God's Work In Progess

A New Take on a Lifetime of Birthdays

2011-12-10T18:24:00.000-06:00

Compassion International has published one of my posts about what I've learned from my Compassion children. Click here to read it.

Don't Run Alone

2011-11-18T06:00:00.001-06:00

I've started running the last few years. Actually, I run for about 6 months and then take the next 6 months off. It isn't intentional. Running is just hard and as spring turns into summer it gets so hot that I lose my motivation for it. Then we get into fall and winter. Why start again if it is just going to get to cold too venture outside?

This year has been different. In June I joined a women's running group and this kept me motivated. To add to that, I decided to sign up for a half marathon -- 13.1 miles. I played with the idea in the winter and spring -- rationalizing that it would give me something to seriously train for.

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When We Want To Be Like Them

2011-10-21T06:00:00.001-05:00

Growing up, our street looped in a half mile block. In the summer, we played with the other kids on our street. But once school started, there was a clear division between the Catholics and the Protestants. Ninety percent of the neighborhood went to Catholic school. The rest attended public school.

I wished I could go with the bigger crowd of kids. There was an allure to the huge groups of kids walking together in their matching uniforms, a cohesive group that the rest of us could never quite pull off. I wanted to be like them.

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I Need a GPS Every Day

2011-09-05T06:00:00.003-05:00

On July 4th, I ran my community's 5 mile Park to Park race. I am not particularly fast and though I wasn't at the end, I found myself in a no man's land between those so much faster than I was and those slower. I had never run this race and I got a bit disoriented at the end. I looped around up a hill instead of going straight and ended up running an extra third of a mile.

My immediate reaction was, "I give up!" It took me a few moments to regroup and head to the finish line. Though frustrated that I had missed the route and that it meant my time would be slower, not finishing would be worse.

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Missing Pieces

2011-07-08T06:00:00.002-05:00

Earlier this summer, I came across a deal for a wooden Adirondack chair. It needed to be treated and put together, but I thought I could manage that, even though I am not particularly handy. I spent a Saturday morning staining and on Sunday I began the assembly process. The one glitch was the missing piece in the back of the chair.

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Satisfied

2011-06-23T06:00:00.001-05:00

I like my air conditioner in the summer and my heavy down comforter in the winter. I like my clothes clean, a shower every morning, and knowing that if I'm hungry there is always food available. I like to be comfortable. I like to be satisfied.
But lately I've been thinking that there is a danger to being comfortable: to being too satisfied. That sense of comfort, that sense of satisfaction whispers to us to be content--that this is all there is.

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Living Out the Lottery

2011-05-30T06:00:00.002-05:00

Though it has been numerous years, I confess, once or twice I've given in to playing the lottery. Typically, it is when it reaches some astronomical number and every one at work chips into buy a few tickets. While I know it is essentially throwing that money away, it is tempting to think of what I might do with that money -- both the good and some of the luxuries I might enjoy.

But, I know I really would be a fool if I bought a ticket and then started living like I had the money in hand already.

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Never Said Goodbye

2011-04-14T06:10:00.002-05:00

Loose ends drive me bonkers. Anyone at work can tell you, I'm constantly running around tying up the loose ends. If my loose ends are securely anchored, I'll worry about yours. But the loose ends I can least tolerate are the relational ones. If I don't get relational closure, I obsess. Being a pessimist, my issue is always what it is about me that made you leave.

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Bravery and Bridges

2011-03-18T06:00:00.001-05:00

Have you ever said, "I could never do _______?" Maybe it is speak in front of a large crowd. Maybe it is run a mile, let alone a marathon. Maybe it is write a book or learn to dance.

Or have you ever looked at someone else's circumstances with cancer or a drug addicted child or a marital affair and said, "I could never handle that."

With either scenario, we look at the impossibilities. We see all the reasons why we could never pack up and do missions work in Africa. We see reasons why we could never handle a special needs child.We are (at least I am) plagued by impossibility.

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Finding My Awe

2011-02-11T05:00:00.001-06:00

I have lost my awe. I have lost the moments that take my breath away when the only true response is an "Oh!"

It would be easy to pass that off with the fact that I don't live somewhere that routinely takes my breath away. I am in a town with street lights. The snow is gray with accumulated dirt. I see the stars only through roof tops. There are no mountains or ocean beaches in the heart of Illinois.

But it seems like there should be something that takes my breath away.

Maybe there is.

A year or so ago, I started knitting again.

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With Bells On

2011-01-14T05:00:00.000-06:00

A while back I invested in some trinkets. One is gold and silver. The other is black and white. They have dangles and make faint jingling sounds. The best part about them is that they are lovingly inscribed -- name and phone number.

However, my cats are less than thrilled with said trinkets -- especially since they went around their necks. Yes, I've had my cats for a while but they've never worn collars. My rationale has been that they are indoor cats so they really didn't need them. Still, there was that one time Mali darted out on the deck.

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Torture By Chopsticks

2011-01-03T17:52:00.007-06:00

I started knitting again this past spring. I had done it some in college and a few baby blankets here adn there, but now I started tackling sweaters and such. Still I stayed clear of socks and hats and gloves amd gloves and such. For those items, you need the infamous double pointed needles. With yarn on 3 needles and using a 4th, I think it looks a bit like some kind of acupuncture torture.

But I knit a cranberry cowl. I really wanted mittens to go with it. I confess to checking the store first to see if I could purchase some. No luck. I decided to try knitting mittens. But how would that become a mitten?

Like so many other things, I get lost in the moment and forget to trust the one who sees the beginning and end, who knows where I am and how to tell me to get where I am going. I need to dive in and trust.

Surprisingly, it has gone quite well. My mittens are almost done. I'm starting the thumbs tonight!

I Don't Like Resolutions, But . . . .

2011-01-01T17:30:00.002-06:00

I'm not much for New Year's Resolutions, however, I am fond of this older song by Carolyn Arends. I've put the words below for you. What if we did live our lives like every day was New Year's day instead of like our problems and failures defined us? I confess to believe in a God of second chances (and third and fourth), but what if I lived that way? It really might start a revolution if I extended grace to myself and those around me.

New Year's Day

I buy a lot of diaries
Fill them full of good intentions
Each and every New Year's Eve
I make myself a list
All the things I'm gonna change
Until January 2nd
So this this time I am making one more list

This will be my resolution
Every day is new year's day
This could start a revolution
Every day is new year's day

I believe it's possible
I believe in new beginnings
I believe in Christmas day
And Easter morning to0
I believe it's doable
Because I believe in second chances
Just the way I believe in you

This will be my resolution
Every day is new year's day
This could start a revolution
Every day is new year's day
One more chance to start all over
One more chance to change and grow
One more chance to grab a hold of faith
And never let it go

This will be my resolution
Every day is new year's day
This could start a revolution
Every day is new year's day

Here's to living this year like I belong to the God of second chances.

The Other Side of Christmas

2010-12-02T06:00:00.000-06:00

Our nativities are beautiful.

Even when we briefly lament that there was "no room for them in the inn" and that Jesus had to be born in a stable, our nativities are clean, peaceful, idyllic. We imagine the animals keeping watch and the wonder as the shepherds come. We think of little woolly lambs.

But it probably wasn't clean. Because stables smell, we can assume it was smelly. Joseph was probably frantic trying to make a bed in the straw and figure out how he was going to deliver the baby when that was usually left to other women. There were probably bugs.

I don't share that to ruin all nativities for you. We can go back to those pristine images in a bit, but bear with me for a moment.

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Keeping Up With the Joneses

2010-11-25T10:36:00.000-06:00

Here is a bit of perspective on this Thanksgiving day! It's reprinted from Comapssion International and was written by Tim Glenn. The link is to the actual post on their site.

Keeping Up With the Joneses

Who are the Joneses we’re trying to keep up with these days?

Like many Americans, we sometimes find ourselves comparing our lives to those of others. And most often, we look at those who make more and have more than we do.

As the old adage says, we look to “the Joneses.”

But who are the Joneses really?

Consider this: If you make $43,000 a year, you’re in the top 12% of earners in the world.

That’s right. The world.

So maybe we should flip this whole Jones thing over.

Eighty-eight percent of the world is comparing itself to you … and me. WE are “the Joneses” to 88 percent of people on this planet. And yet, where do we most often look for comparison? The other 11 percent.

I’m not saying we should compare at all. We shouldn’t. Life is about much more than material things. But, just for a moment, let’s entertain this thought of keeping up with the proverbial family.

If you make more than $2 a day, you are the Joneses to 1.2 billion people.
If you have a warm bed to sleep in at night, you are the Joneses to the billions who are sleeping on cold, hard ground in makeshift huts and tents.
If you drive a car to work every day, your license plate might as well read “RICH” to the billions who have to walk miles just to get access to clean water, medical care, education or even a food source.
If you finished high school, you might as well be “Dr. Jones” to those who have no chance of getting an education.
If you eat three full meals a day, Jones. Jones. Jones.

So should I run out the front door yelling, “I’m rich! I’m rich!” as if I just won the lottery? Probably not. But that’s what the rest of the world may think.

Just a little perspective.

Courtesy of Compassion International: http://blog.compassion.com/keeping-up-with-the-joneses/#ixzz16JRz6bPj

It Matters to the One

2010-11-15T21:03:00.002-06:00

I learned recently of a person where I work who has been in the hospital for several weeks with an aneurysm. He is out of benefit time and has a wife, two small children, and a baby on the way. Today they had a bake sale for him. (I made peanut butter - oatmeal -- chocolate chunk cookies.) But as I was baking, I just had to sigh. Will cookies really make that much difference? How can a bake sale replace lost wages or pay all the bills.

Can it take care of all the needs? Probably not, but . . . .

I looked at my phone. It has a picture on it of a starfish. The reason I put that on was a story I heard long ago about starfish being washed up on a beach during a storm. They littered the beach. A child was throwing the starfish back into the ocean. A man came up and chided the child, "That doesn't make a difference. You will never be able to throw them all back in."

I imagine the child's response as she threw another starfish as far as she could. "No. But it matters to the one."

I put that on my phone to remind myself that I may not make a huge difference in the world, but I can impact those around me.

And baking cookies may not answer all the problems, but it matters even if it simply means that someone cares.

And I am going to throw another starfish now and ask you to pray for Josh and his family. Pray of healing, pray for God to sustain them financially, emotionally, spiritually, and pray for hope.

Trust the Pattern

2010-11-04T06:00:00.000-05:00

“k3 p2 sm k3 p2 pick up 5″ — so goes a knitting pattern.

My mom taught each of us girls to knit when I was about 10. However, the extent of it was one doll blanket. In college, I spent a semester in England and a woman who owned a wool shop came in and gave us free lessons. I managed a couple of sweaters that semester. However, after coming back to the states, I pretty much stuck with baby blankets. I didn’t trust myself to be able to figure out a pattern on my own.

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Please Help

2010-11-02T21:25:00.006-05:00

If you've hung out around me very long, you know I have a passion for kids. I especially want to help children without a voice of their own. To that end, I sponsor 2 Compassion International kids -- Kayirangwa and Margarita.

Christmas is coming and in the last two day I've read 2 posts from Compassion International and Christmas for Compassion kids. Some kids, like Kayirangwa and Margarita have sponsors like me. They will get presents and a letter. Unsponsored kids will still get something from people who give to the Christmas fund but they won't get a letter. This is hard for them to understand.

Please read these two links: Christmas for unsponsored kids and How you can help!

Basically, you have the opportunity to send a letter to an unsponsored child and let them know why God loves them.

I'm going to turn it into a give away of a Christmas book for kids with a grown up theme (A Tale of Three Trees). If you participate a card (follow the directions in the second link), leave a comment below and say "I wrote!". December 1st, I'll select a winner. Be sure to leave an email too so I can contact you. (If you write more than once, I'll enter you more than once! Let me know how many you send.)

Help me out. If you have a blog could you post a link to this post or tweet it or facebook it etc.? You will be my hero.

Wouldn't it be great if the letters were like the loaves and fishes with more left over than what they started with?

Try Again Tomorrow

2010-10-28T18:16:00.003-05:00

Honestly, my day job is pretty dull. We deal with facts and figures and land records and such. But occasionally, something happens to spice it up. Today was one of those days. A gentleman we have dealt with before -- in situations that were equally dizzying -- came in again today. At times he has been combative enough that my boss and I have told everyone else not to engage with him, but to let us do the talking. My boss was at lunch, so it fell to me. Sigh.

He wanted to see my boss and wanted to have a document recorded. I explained the process and that it wouldn't get recorded today. He pointed out that I was talking about public documents. Yes, I was. He went on to assure me that my boss knew what this was about (I later confirmed he didn't) and that he would personally record it by hand (everything in the office is now by computer). He then told me that even though I was management that I probably wasn't privy to the information and that the document would be recorded in a secret book and that the office of the governor was watching this particular document.

I never did get to see the doc. I ended up having to have my boss call him when he got back.

Of course the staff buzzed about it afterwards and through out words like conspiracy theory and crazy! We all laughed a bit.

Yes, the irrationality of the comments and the requests make us shake our heads. However, I wonder if I could be a touch more sensitive. Maybe kind is the right word. Part way through, I think I began to dismiss him. While it is easy to do, it isn't necessarily right. No, I cannot stand for hours discussing secret books that I do not apparently have clearance for, but I can listen attentively for 15 minutes and see if there is any way I can easy his anxiety or address a valid concern.

I get a chance to try again tomorrow. Apparently he is coming in to meet with my boss. So, we will see if I can do a better job, be a bit more compassionate.

Grace Stops Violence and Heals the Wounds of History

2010-10-26T22:20:00.000-05:00

I got this in my email and wanted to share it. Knowing that Christ can heal is what led me to select a child from Rwanda. Kayirangwa wouldn't have been born during the genocide, but her parents would have been. I do not know what side they were on, but I don't think it matters. Jesus blood covers it all.

Grace Stops Violence and Heals the Wounds of History

Internet Cafe Giveaway

2010-10-25T07:00:00.000-05:00

Hi All --

I wanted to pass along information about a giveaway this week. Check it out!

We here at the cafe want to help you during this glorious season to fall into Jesus and experience His love like never before. How, you ask, are we going to do this? Oh, my friends…we have some fabulous blessings in store for you. From clothing, to jewelry, to books, to movies, to music, we have treasures galore that will help you to fall into your sweet Jesus more.

This year our “Fall into Jesus” giveaway is a BLESSING indeed! “Fall” Into Jesus Giveaway runs from today, October 25, 2010 through Thursday, October 28, 2010. Two winners will be selected at random and announced on Friday, October 29, 2010.

Head on over to the Internet Café find out how you can enter for your chance to win one of two fabulous giveaway bundles.

Click on this graphic:

Somebody Special

2010-10-18T06:31:00.000-05:00

Recently, I listened to a co-worker talk about an event he had helped with. He assisted with the meet-and-greet portion of the event and was thrilled when he kept it running on time. He explained that the most people wanted a word or longer with the celebrity but he had them ushered out the moment their picture was snapped.

Except for the important people, that is. These he ushered up to the celebrity and stated who they were, noting their prominence. While they weren't given a great length of time, they were given time where the average person was not.

Honestly, part of me bristled at this. What made these people more important, that they deserved a conversation rather than just a flash of a camera? True, events are things that need to be kept on schedule. But I hate it that we live in a world where money and power and fame denote importance that the average person is not likely to achieve.

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Hope Isn't Flat

2010-10-03T23:19:00.003-05:00

This weekend, I sent my Christmas gifts to my Compassion kids. Okay, part of them. I sent the money that Compassion International will use to buy my two girls and the other Compassion kids Christmas gifts. But there is that yearning to send a bit more.

I've actually started working on cross-stitched bookmarks with their names on them. They are simple and flat. Flat is the key ingredient when mailing a gift to a Compassion child.

I also found myself wandering in a craft store today wondering what other flat things I might send. I already send stickers and coloring pages. I just so wish I could send big boxes of things for them to unwrap.

I didn't find anymore flat ideas. The bookmarks and the things that Compassion picks out will have to suffice. But my search got me to thinking about that McDonald's kid's meal commercial. It says that hope is in the box and all the kids keep looking for it and saying that they don't see it. The gist is that a little money goes to McDonald's charities for every kid meal that is purchased.

Hope isn't in the box. Hope isn't in the envelope. It isn't even in the carefully cross-stitched bookmarks I am making. Hope is in being released from poverty. It is coming to know Jesus. It is knowing that someone on the other side of the world is loving you and praying for you.

The world isn't flat and neither is hope. Hope is three dimensional and it sets the captivates free.

Still, I find myself wishing I could send those packages. One of my dear ones, keeps writing and asking me to come. I wish I could. I think. Honestly, I'm not much of a traveler and making my way to Rwanda sounds daunting. It isn't a country that has ever even been on my someday travel list. But I would love to meet Kayirngwa. I've sponsored her for 3 1/2 years now. What a gift it would be to meet her! But Rwanda is several thousand dollars and miles away. Still, it is something to pray about. Because hope isn't flat.

Mystery Solved

2010-09-26T15:33:00.002-05:00

I'm not always good about putting things away where they go, however, since towels and hot pads have been coming up missing, I've really worked at putting them in the drawer so I will have them when I need them. Apparently, Mali has figured out how to get at them. I got her in the act.

I knew both cats opened the bottom drawer where I keep foil, etc. Now, I know that they can get behind the drawers and crawl up one!

Hadley Rose

2010-09-18T20:37:00.006-05:00

I had wanted a puppy for awhile but I wasn't sure how I would work it into my busy schedule. I should have known with my soft spot for all things furry that just looking at her would mean me taking her home. Sure enough, that is exactly what happened. One look at those big brown eyes and my heart melted.

Her name was Harley, but I couldn't see calling a girl Harley. I didn't want to confuse her and wasn't partial to Haley. I'm not sure where I had heard it before, but I decided to go with Hadley. it seemed close enough as well as different enough from Harley. Without thinking about it, I found myself adding Rose to it. Now, if I am in another room and call "Hadley Rose," she is about 80% sure to come.

So, a year and a half ago, when Hadley was 6 months home she came home with me to my cats dismay. (Though honestly, I think they do fairly well together.) She was sweet from the get go. Maybe that is to compensate for all the things she gets into!

One of her favorite things is cat food. However, it isn't good for her or the cats. They need to eat too and she would woof it all down. I've finally resorted to putting it on top of three storage bins. It was just on two, but she managed to climb them. This was taken today. Yes, she still tries and I'm waiting to see her make it!

Hadley Rose is a very friendly dog with people and other dogs. If we go on a walk and pass people on the porch, she whines to go and visit because everyone needs to rub her belly.

She is a bit of an alpha dog with other dogs -- even ones bigger than her. She doesn't put up with much, but she is also usually up for a game of chase and will run and run and run when we are at the dog park.

She runs so fast that her ears fly and I have expect her to fly too!

A year and a half into this adventure of dog owning, in spite of the items that have been chewed on or torn or gotten into etc, I am thrilled with the companionship and love.

Happy 2nd birthday Hadley Rose!

Have We Risen Or Fallen?

2010-09-11T00:00:00.000-05:00

September 9, 2001

What do you remember?

I remember that I was in my counseling internship that morning. I was in with a client. I heard about the attacks as I said, "Goodbye" to one and took my next one in. I didn't realize the scope of things until I went to lunch later that day and heard about the Pentagon as well as the other flight that went down. Even then, I did not have TV access until I got home after 9:00PM. By then, the gas prices had skyrocketed. Everyone was frazzled -- worried about loved ones who could not be reached because they were in the New York area or simply because the phone systems were overwhelmed by callers. So, at 9:00 I flipped on the TV. Even with everything I had picked up during the day, the images of the twin towers burning was seared into my brain.

I remember the days and weeks after wards, life was a mishmash of events. I remember the dismay when I saw the footage of crowds in other nations cheering that the great United States had received such a blow. I remember the sense of no longer feeling safe from terrorism simply because I lived in the United States. I remember wondering what the aftermath would be -- how long would we have terrorist threat levels?

But I also remember the rallying cry, "Let's roll" when the passengers of the third plane overtook the hijackers, insuring their death, rather than letting the plane reach it's firery destination and take out more lives. I remember the men and women who rushed into help others. I remember the blood drives that helped people states away feel as if they were contributing.

There is a lot of controversy about a mosque near ground zero and even more angst raised by the pastor in Florida who threatened to burn the Quran. While he has said that he won't do this tomorrow, the threat of it caused riots in Afghanistan that left several dead.

I know I don't agree with burning the Quran. I honestly don't know what I think about a Mosque near ground zero. But I do have a question, have we risen or fallen since 9/11? We will never be the people we were before, but are we better or worse? I don't mean economically or even in terms of safety. Do we have more character? Are we more resilient? Do we have more compassion when we hear of terrorist attacks in other countries because we know what it feels like to have fellow Americans cruelly slaughtered?

Have we risen out of the ashes or have we fallen beneath the weight of things that transpired -- not just as a nation but as individuals?

Just Like Her Father

2010-09-10T06:43:00.000-05:00

I came across some old pictures of my nieces and nephew. They were ones when my sister's youngest was five or six. I remember showing them to people and having them proclaim, "She looks so much like you!" That shouldn't be a surprise as we are identical twins. But I remember liking the fact that people could see me in her.

It seems a pretty common thing for new parents, relatives, and friends to look at a baby and say, "She's got your eyes" or "He has his father's chin." As the child gets older, people might say, "She has her mother's stubborn streak" or "His father's sense of humor."

Just recognizing how thrilled I was to have people say she looked like me makes me wonder how thrilled God is when we look like Him.

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Flying Blind

2010-08-16T06:00:00.001-05:00

I have a job and half.

My part time job is at one of the bookstores in town. You may have noticed that e-readers (electronic hand held readers) are multiplying. My managers have discovered that I have knack for promoting ours. I'm not sure how that happened or why as my approach is generally a soft sell. But it is what it is.

My store is really promoting that one of the things that sets us apart is US! We will completely set up the device before you leave the store so you walk out reading. We also encourage people to ask questions. We want it to be a great purchase.

The odd thing is that I am becoming a "techie" in terms of our device. Seriously. I've never considered myself one in the past and I'm still getting used to this strange idea. Most technical "expertise" in my life is pure luck.

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Fixing What Can Be Fixed

2010-07-28T20:03:00.005-05:00

I am not particularly patient at times. So, in some ways it seems odd that after years of not really knitting, I've picked it back up again. My mom taught us to knit when we were about 10. We each made one doll blanket. I spent a semester in England and a woman who owned a yarn shop gave free lessons. Of course, we all bought our yarn from her. I made two sweaters that semester. After that, I really just made baby blankets -- the same pattern over and over.

Recently, I decided to try a different baby blanket pattern. Then, at the bookstore, I ran into a woman who told me about a yarn shop downtown -- right across the street from where I work. I started going on my lunch hour. This summer I've made two vests and one sweater.

I was working on the sweater -- short sleeved with lace. I got part way down and found that I had made an error. I kept going for a bit, thinking I might be able to somehow hide the error. But every time I looked at my project, the error jumped out at me.

A gal at the yarn shop has helped me out on several things. I really wanted her help in ripping out my work and getting the stitches put back on. But it didn't quite work out. Our schedules didn't mesh. I decided to try it myself.

Looking at the finished project, I am so glad I took the risk of pulling out those rows to fix it. Yes, it was nerve racking wondering if I would end up needing to pull the whole thing out and start all over again. I wonder now if I would have really worn my hard work if I hadn't gone back to fix it. Even if it was disguised (though I still can't think of how I would have done that), I would have known it was there. But looking at this now, I think I will get a lot of wear and enjoyment out of it.

It has made me think about other things in life. Are there things I am afraid to rip out among relationships because I might have to start over or not get all the stitches on? I think there are. But, I wonder if the work and effort might be worth it rather than covering up the mistake.

Can you think of something you need to go back and fix?

Sometimes I Want to Choose Pigs

2010-07-16T06:00:00.001-05:00

It's one of those stories in the Bible that you may remember with little prompting. Jesus had traveled across the lake to Gerasenes (Mark 5:1-20). He and the disciples are greeted by a demon-possessed man who lived among the tombs. The towns people had tried to bind him with chains, but he broke free. The demons drove him to cut himself with stones.

When the demons saw Jesus they knew who he was and they made the man kneel and cried out asking why Jesus had come to torture them. The demons were fearful of being sent away. My assumption is that they feared no longer having anyone to torture. They came upon the idea of Jesus sending them into a herd of nearby pigs. Jesus complied. But there nature was destruction and they drove those two thousand pigs off a cliff and into the lake to drown.

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Is God Enough?

2010-06-29T06:00:00.002-05:00

A little elf of a five-year-old came up to the counter tonight as I was cashiering at the bookstore. I love kids. I love talking to them and can often readily converse on some of their favorite things. Midweek things can be slow. There is more of a chance to have a brief conversation.

Well, I didn’t know how deep this conversation was going to go. Her mother was writing a check and didn’t seem inclined to save me, so I decided to go with diversion. “Would you like a sticker?” She started to ask another question and I said, “How about another?”

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It's My Party

2010-06-23T06:07:00.005-05:00

It's an old song and I don't know the title or the artist or the context, but I do remember these lines:

"It's my party and I'll cry if I want to."

I'm not sure what brought those words to mind recently. It's an interesting statement -- especially if you remember that parties are suppose to be happy occasions. Why would you want to cry at a party? Better yet, why would you want to cry at all? That's not to say that there aren't times when a good cry does wonders. My take on those lines is that more than a choice to cry, it is a choice to be unhappy.

Confession. As much as I would like to be an optimist, I am a pessimist at heart. I am more likely to tell you why something won't work than why it can. My glass is half empty. My worries get the best of me and dictate how I feel.

I don't think it is 100% a choice. Biology and circumstances do impact us. But what if 50% were a choice? What if only 30% were a choice? What if only 10% were a choice? I wonder going into today that even if a fraction of my mood were a choice and I exercised the choice to choose to be happy and if not completely happy -- content -- how would that impact my day? How would it impact my relationships or my circumstances? My guess is I might feel even just a little bit less stressed.

I am writing this at 6:20 AM. It's not unusual for me to be headed out in next 30 minutes or so. What is unusual is that I'm finishing up 2 loads of laundry. So, I've been up for a while. I don't have kids, but I do have pets. I was awoken this morning by one of my dear ones retching on the bed. So, the sheets needed to be washed as well as a large blanket. No, it's not my idea of a great way to wake up and I was pretty frustrated. But I am going to choose to be an optimist today:

I have a bed.
I have 3 pets I wouldn't change for the world in spite of making me need to do laundry.
I have a washing machine and dryer in my house.
I have a house.
I have a job.
While I don't have everything I want, I do have what I need.
I live in a country that affords me a host of freedoms.
I have Jesus.

It's my party and I choose today to be happy.

Things That Pull My Gaze Away

2010-06-13T11:12:00.004-05:00

Like children, my pets are often jealous for my attention. If one is getting a belly rub, they all want their bellies rubbed. Hadley, my beagle, is probably the worst for it. She can be curled up somewhere dozing and if she opens an eye and catches one of the cats on my lap, she is there in a instant trying to get on too. Usually, she bulldozes Katy or Mali off my lap.

At night, I usually go to bed and Hadley joins me. Eventually the cats will follow. I've noticed that I can be giving Hadley some great one-on-one time (practically a full body massage) and she will hear one of the cats come in and be instantly drawn into an unwanted game of chase. Her focus moves from enjoying my company to wondering what those silly kitties are up to.

I must confess, I think I am like that with God. It's so easy for things going on in this world to pull my gaze away from God.

I think it is a bit like Peter in chapter 21 of John. Jesus has died and risen. He shows up on the beach to cook breakfast for the disciples and then pulls Peter away for a much needed talk. Peter's attention is drawn away by one of the other disciples.

Peter turned and saw that the disciple whom Jesus loved was following them. (This was the one who had leaned back against Jesus at the supper and had said, "Lord, who is going to betray you?") When Peter saw him, he asked, "Lord, what about him?"

Jesus tells him not to worry about that disciple. It is none of his concern.

But I am just like Peter. I want to know, "What about so and so?" Or I say, "What about this situation? How is that going to work out?"

What I need to be doing is continuing to fix my gaze on Jesus and enjoy my time with Him.

Praying today that all of us would fix our gazes so firmly on Jesus that nothing will pull them away.

Roots and Wings

2010-06-02T17:31:00.006-05:00

I don't like relationships to end. But the truth of the matter is that some relationships are meant to end. They are a learning place for someone to jump off from. I understand that, but I am still a bit sad about some news I received yesterday.

I've been a Compassion International sponsor for a number of years now. My first two children were Kayirangwa from Rwanda and Delia from Ecuador. Two years ago this summer, I learned that Delia's parents had opted to pull her from the program. There was no real reason given. It felt like a loss.

Compassion immediately sent me the picture of another little girl in Ecuador to consider sponsoring. Her name was Ambar. Though my heart yearned to know what was going on with Delia, I became Ambar's sponsor and began corresponding with her.

I logged onto my Compassion account to submit my giving for the month over the weekend. I was surprised by a note asking me to contact Compassion about Ambar. I confess that my heart sank a bit as I surmised that Ambar must have left the program. She was no longer listed on my account.

I emailed asking about it and left my work number so they could more easily get in touch with me. I got the email last night and a voice mail today.

I was right. Ambar's parents had decided to take her out of the program. However, it turns out that aside from missing her, there was really no reason to be downhearted about this turn of events. Ambar's family's circumstances have changed for the better. While I don't have the details, apparently they felt that the needs being met were no longer acute and they could care for her. They wanted a child who needed the spot to be able to benefit.

Ambar has continued to excel in school. She has now finished the fourth grade and her parents plan to allow her to continue her education.

And, the email told me that in the last several months, Ambar had become a Christian!

I've heard it said that being a parent is giving children roots and wings. They need both. I think, perhaps, that being a Compassion sponsor is a bit of the same thing. I'm so glad that I've been able to be part of giving Ambar roots and wings. I will continue to pray that God holds her close and brings her safely home to Him in the fullness of time.

I get to write Ambar one last letter. Please pray that I would know the right words.

How Would You Like To Be Remembered?

2010-05-31T20:42:00.008-05:00

There is nothing that makes you feel old like going to the graduation of someone you knew when they were an infant. This weekend, I headed back to Indiana. I spent five years on staff with InterVarsity Christian Fellowship at Indiana University in Bloomington, Indiana. This weekend, sweet Elizabeth graduated.

I lived with Elizabeth and her family for three years during that time. Elizabeth was just two when I moved in. We spent the next three years reading stories, going to the park, playing tag, and making cookies with her sister, Hannah, and later her brother, Jonathon. Her sister Sarah didn't come along until after I had headed to Illinois. I didn't get to know her. But I did enjoy hanging with her this weekend.

All weekend I found myself wishing I had kept in better contact with this great family. Though I do feel old that Elizabeth is now 18 and heading off to college, I was touched by the fond memories we shared.

Some of the things that we mentioned (aside from those mentioned above) remembering were things like the butterfly shaped birthday cake I made and Elizabeth helped decorate one year. Some of it was how Elizabeth screamed as an infant -- especially in the car. Her dad seemed bent on remembering the temperature. I am cold by nature and I lived in the basement. It's always colder in basements. He lamented not making it warmer for me. But honestly, that wasn't even close to things that readily came to my mind. There were too many good things from living there that stick out to me.

I was surprised by some of the things that people mentioned about me. Becca was also graduating. Her family came to Elizabeth's open house. They reminded me how she was so attached to her mom that she screamed when she was left in the nursery or with a sitter to the point that they just didn't leave her. I had forgotten volunteering to go spend some time with her and her brother over several days while their mom was present so she could get use to me. The idea was to make me a safe person so her parents could get out a bit.

I was touched by the warmth of the memories. It was affirming. I don't know how my time in Illinois measures up. It makes me want to strive to be that person again. Right now, I am so busy with two jobs and such that I wonder if the memories that would dominate now would be rushing off somewhere. But what stood out then was a kind of taking time for people. Somehow, I want to find away to get back to that. That's how I want to be remembered at every stage of life and not just one sliver.

That is my prayer tonight, that I would be known as one who takes time for people.

How would you like to be remembered?

Sarah, Asher the dog, Elizabeth, Hannah, & Jonathon

Life In Spite of Me -- What I'm Reading

2010-05-17T00:03:00.003-05:00

Hope. It is part of the essence of what keeps us going. Without hope, sometimes it seems like there is no reason to go on.

I recently read Life In Spite of Me by Kristen Jane Anderson. It is subtitled "Extraordinary Hope After a Fatal Choice." Yes, it was the subtitle that drew me in. As someone who at time has struggled with hopelessness, the theme of hope is one that I am drawn to.

Kristen was an ordinary teen, but in high school she began dealing with some big issues. One night, she made the impulsive decision to end her life. But God had other plans. While her attempt would forever alter her life, leaving her with a physical disability, Life in Spite of Me details how God was at work and how Kristen is letting God use her.

The story is compelling. I found myself routing for Kristen. However, it is probably geared for for teens and college age more than older adults. It would make a good book for a youth group to read and discuss.

The book can be purchased at waterbrookmultnomah.com

Here's a video link you might find interesting.

This book was provided for review by the WaterBrook Multnomah publishing Group.

Focus

2010-05-14T06:30:00.000-05:00

As a kid, I remember a couple summers of tee ball and one fall of soccer. Other than that, the only running I did was the random game of tag. I was never athletic and I had never had any interest in running. So, I am not sure what possessed me in March 2009 to join a beginning running group called Catch the Wave. This 10 training group aims to get people off the couch and in shape for a 4.37 mile race.

I'm posting today at the Internet Cafe. Click here to finish reading this post.

Find out here how I did on my second Lake Run on May 1!

Care Worthy of Sacrifice

2010-05-02T07:00:00.000-05:00

Do you ever have those moments when an author writes a word or phrase and it just jumps off the page at you and sinks deep into your mind? That happened to me recently. I really think it was a God thing.

I firmly believe that God's hand is on everything. This includes even authors who do not profess Christ. It includes fiction. It includes the man pumping gas next to you who says or does something that makes you pause and reflect on God. It's the woman in line at the bank or a song where lyrics grab you. Truth: God can use anything to point to Himself.

Recently, I was reading a book called Graceling by Kristin Cashore. Honestly, I have no idea where Ms. Cashore stands in relationship to God. I do know that it is a non Christian, teen fiction book.

I also know that a passage took my breath away.

Katsa and Po both live in a land where "graces" sometimes manifest themselves. These graces give the person unusual abilities. They also set the gracelings apart in very difficult ways. Through a series of events, Katsa and Po end up on a rescue mission of sorts. As they are fleeing with Princess Bitterblue to safety, Po makes the decision to stay behind. Katsa is left to care for Princess Bitterblue alone. The weather is freezing and Katsa has some doubt that she can get the girl to safety.

But there is a moment of decision on Katsa's part. Ms. Cashore writes, "Her care of Bitterblue must be worthy of Po's sacrifice."

This rephrase jumped into my head. "My care of others must be worthy of Jesus' sacrifice."

Jesus didn't stay behind. But He did sacrifice himself for us. And then He went on ahead, leaving his mission to the world to a ragtag band of disciples and ultimately to me and you. He leaves the day to day, physical care of others to us.

Katsa's grace helps her brave the elements and mountain lions. Jesus graces helps us brave this world. Katsa focused on getting Princess Bitterblue to safety. It was her primary concern. What if our focus, my focus, was getting others safely home? How would that play out in day to day interactions? Would I take the best for myself or leave the best for someone with more need? Would it keep my words in check so that I only built others up? Would it impact how and where I used the finances God has given me?

I hope that it would. But I know that I am a work in progress. Still, today, I hope my aim is to care for others in a way that is worthy of Jesus' sacrifice.

I Lost 6 Minutes and 23 Seconds

2010-05-01T12:39:00.010-05:00

Imagine a nice spring morning after a night of wind and rain. What do you do with a morning like that.? Over a 1000 people decided to run! I was one of the crazy 1000.

Looks a bit like a stampede!

I started off pretty strong. Seasoned runners (of which I am not) would probably say I started off too fast. This is probably true. I was bit floored when my time at the 1 mile marker was 13 minutes. I don't believe I had ever run a 13 minute mile before in my life!

But I had exerted myself and needed to take a bit of a walk break. The rest of the race I did a combination of walking and running. I am thrilled to report that the running minutes totally out numbered the walking minutes. I would estimate that I ran 85-90% of the 4.37 miles. My walk breaks were usually 1 minute catch my breath breaks.

I knew I couldn't keep up a 13 minute mile pace. Last year at the Lake Run (my first ever race) I averaged a 14:52 mile. Even with my walk breaks, I only dropped my pace to a 13:23 mile pace! That's a pace difference of 1:29! How cool is that?

Me with one of my Catch the Wave group members.

I'm a bit red in the face but none the worse for wear!

Cyndy at the finish!

Cyndy's excitement is really how I felt! I finished in 58 minutes and 37 seconds. I lost 6 minutes and 23 seconds from last year. I got faster and had a lot more endurance! I had two goals:

Run more than I walked
Beat my time from last year

I count today as a major success!

Marge and Jen
Two of the people who encouraged my running this year and last.

Race Day is Saturday!

2010-04-28T15:18:00.002-05:00

Saturday is race day! It's the 29^th annual Lake Bloomington race. I'm running it for the second time. There is now way I could win. I think the person who won last year ran 4.37 miles in about 23 minutes! Still, I'm hoping to run most of it (I walked about half last year) and I would like to be faster than my 14 minute 53 second pace from last year.

If you don't have anything going on, come out and cheer me on! I would love it. The race starts about 9:00. It will take me at least an hour (or just a bit less?). For maps/directions you see www.lakerunclub.org

Amy

Crispy-Topped Fruit

2010-04-28T06:15:00.002-05:00

I found this recipe on the back of a cereal box and tried it. It was really yummy and very easy. It was kind of like a quick cobbler but not as many calories. Oh, the recipe calls for frozen raspberries. I couldn't find just those, so I used a fruit medley. I told a dietitian about it and she said my version would have had more fiber!

Crispy Topped Fruit

2 Tablespoons all-purpose flour
2 Tablespoons packed brown sugar
1 bag (16 oz) frozen unsweetened sliced peaches (do not thaw)
1 bag (12 oz) fozen unsweetened raspberries or fruit medley (strawberries, blueberries & raspberries) (do not thaw)
2 cups apple cinnamon Cherios
1/4 cup walnuts if desired
2 Tablespoons packed brown sugar
2 Tablespoons butter or margarine, melted
Raisins if desired.

Heat oven to 375
In a large bowl mix flour and brown sugar. Stir in frozen fruit until coated.
Spread in an ungreased 8-inch square (2 quart) glass baking dish.
Bake uncovered for 20 minutes
Meanwhile, place cereal in a resealable food storage plastic bag. Seal and crush slightly with a rolling pin.
In a medium bowl, mix cereal, walnuts, 2 tablespoons of brown sugar, and melted butter/margarine until crumbly.
Sprinkle cereal mixture over hot fruit and press lightly.
Bake 15-20 minutes longer until light golden brown and fruit is tender when pierced with a fork.
Top with raisins if desired.

Very yummy! Enjoy!

Princess or Stray Part 2

2010-04-20T06:45:00.000-05:00

If you come from a difficult background, my guess (though there may be exceptions) is that you operate from a stray heart; a heart that is afraid to trust and is full of worry and fear. The anxiety of never having enough (food, love, whatever) produces deep roots that are buried deep down into the crevices of one’s heart.

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Adapted from posts on Feb 20, 2008, Feb 21, 2008, and Feb 23, 2008. The posts this time are a bit shorter. Click the dates if you want to read the original posts.

Princess or Stray Part 1

2010-04-19T06:00:00.000-05:00

My sisters and I got up very early the morning that Lady Diana married Prince Charles because we didn’t want to miss one single bit of the royal wedding. There’s just something about princesses and beautiful weddings that fascinate little girls. In our early years we learn about these beautiful princesses from stories like Cinderella and Snow White. And in our hearts, I think there is often a yearning to be a princess – to be someone very special.

I'm posting today at the Internet Cafe. Click here to finish reading this post.

Adapted from posts on Feb 20, 2008, Feb 21, 2008, and Feb 23, 2008. The posts this time are a bit shorter. Click the dates if you want to read the original posts.

When I Cannot See You

2010-04-18T08:56:00.003-05:00

Yesterday, I went to grab a few groceries at Meijer. I scouted out the shortest line and hopped in, planning what to do next. I had a few things on my agenda and was feeling somewhat rushed. I perused the magazines and then as the clerk was finishing with the man in front of me, I piled my groceries onto the belt.

Then I heard, "Your card has been declined."

The man ran his card again and punched in his PIN. It was declined again. He was starting to get flustered. I was starting to get irritated. He said that he didn't know what his wife had bought. Apparently, they had a limit on their debit card. He pulled out his cell and called his wife. The conversation went back and forth. He got more flustered. I got more irritated. He got off the phone saying, "I hate getting yelled at for something that isn't my fault." He used a credit card and it went through.

I got a little more irritated. If he had the credit card all along, why hadn't he used it right away? Why had he continued to waste my time as well as the woman behind me with a long drawn out drama of calling home.

Last night, I was talking with a few people about how invisible clerks are. I was thinking of some of my interactions on the other side of the counter at Barnes and Noble. I said, "Part of it is that we just really get focused on ourselves." My statement settled into my heart. I had been so focused on me and my time earlier that day that I totally missed the man in front of me. I missed the embarrassment he obviously felt. I missed the tension. Instead of seeing with grace, I only saw that he was holding me up.

I confess that I cannot see you or anyone else when I am only focused on me. That probably happens too much.

So, today I am praying that God would help me really see those around me first. Will you join me?

A Call to be Nehemiah

2010-04-11T20:13:00.004-05:00

I became a Christian in junior high. It was a sincere and heart felt decision. I am grateful to the youth group leaders.

I became more fully grounded (Are we ever fully done growing?) during my college years when I got involved with InterVarsity Christian Fellowship. College is a time when every student is bombarded with new freedoms, new ways of looking at things, new responsibilities.

InterVarsity Christian Fellowship (IVCF), Navigators, Campus Crusade, and a host of other organizations are on campus to help students navigate unfamiliar waters and consistently point to God.

In one week, the Supreme Court of the United States will be hearing arguments and making a ruling that may forever change the face of campus ministry. I got the following information from my friend Sandy's prayer letter. If you want these organizations to still be there for your sons and daughters, will you pray that God would lead the justices of our nations highest court to look favorably on His servants? Will you pray like Nehemiah did?

On April 19, 2010, the nine justices of the U.S. Supreme Court are scheduled to hear arguments in the case of the Christian Legal Society v Martinez. InterVaristy is among a large number of organizations who have filed 34 amicus (friend of the court) briefs in this case. The justices decision will have a major impact on campus ministyr.

The ruling in this case will impact every chapter of CLS, every chapter of InterVarsity, and every other Christian campus ministry. That's why 17 other organizations adn 13 state attorney generals have urged the justices to make a ruling that protects the rights of religious groups to set their own member ship and leadership requirements. The ruling will either allow these groups to operate the same as all other campus organizations, or it will allow state colleges and universities to deny recognition to Christian groups on their campuses. We covet your prayer. Further information can be found at www.intervarsity.org/news/campus-faith-freedom-alert or click here.

Thanks for praying!

Who Will Take Care of Your Claims?

2010-04-05T20:41:00.003-05:00

So, I work for the recorder's office in my county. Along with handling mortgages and deeds and such, we all so handle some paperwork for both the federal and the state IRS. Recently the federal IRS decided to make some changes to how they pay us.

Previously, they submitted the documents with a voucher saying how much they thought it would be. If the fees weren't correct, we would make the appropriate changes (plus or minus) on the voucher and send it back with the recorded documents along with a bill. They then paid us by check. It took 2-3 months, but the system was working.

March 23rd, they stopped paying by check. Instead, they are using electronic fund transfer (EFT). They actually transfer the money the day they snail mail the documents. We get an email when the money shows up in the account.

Glitch: They don't always send the correct amount (plus or minus) and there is no easy way to correct it.

Glitch: No one knows the answer when you call and let them know that they have overpaid and sent too much money since one of the documents submitted had already been recorded. It was sent a second time (along with money) in error.

One of my coworkers has been on the phone multiple times with people. Each time, she is on hold for at least 10 minutes. Each time, she is told that she has the wrong department and they give her a new number to another wrong department where she is told that someone (who doesn't appear to exist) will call her back.

I'm wondering how having the IRS (they are the ones who will reportedly handle claims in the health care overhaul) will work. What will they do if they owe you money? I'm thinking you and I might be listening to a lot of elevator music and recorded assurances that "calls will be answered in the order received" and "that our call is important to them" and "that the next available representative will be with us shortly."

I guess I'm not sure why they didn't have the foresight to think through what happens if there are mistakes before they started the EFT payment.

Since they didn't think through that, will they think through how claims are paid?

On Being a Little Fish

2010-03-29T14:44:00.001-05:00

I have a vivid memory of the Halloween parade when I was in kindergarten. Parade might be a loose term for it. Basically, we all donned our Halloween apparel and in our best follow the leader style took the stairs from the belly of the elementary school to the top. Once there we were walked in and out of the classrooms of the older fifth and sixth grade kids. I don't remember what my costume was. What I remember was the thought that I had better stay right on the tail of whichever child was in front of me or I might get lost and never be found again.

A few years later, I was one of the older girls commenting on how cute the kindergartners were. The school that had once seemed so overwhelmingly big was now quite a nice size. I was familiar with classrooms on every floor and quite comfortable.

The next year I was unceremoniously thrust into junior high – from big fish in a little pond to little fish in a big pond. Like most people, I think I liked being the big fish rather than the little fish. Maybe I still like it that way. It's safer somehow.

Last year at this time, I started doing Catch the Wave – a 10 week beginning running group. Actually, I started a couple weeks late. Add to that my naturally slow pace; I ended up in the bottom group. Given my speed, it was probably where I belonged. Still, it chaffed a bit to be in the slowest group.

I am use to doing well in my endeavors. I was a mostly A+ student and was horrified by a B. (Math was my downfall.) I have a natural ability to learn. If someone can explain the why and how of something, I can usually take even an abstract concept and run with it.

But I had never been a runner by nature. I knew that going into it. Still, I was disappointed. While I knew I wasn't likely to win, I wanted to do well.

While I am still not a stellar runner, I helping to lead the Catch the Wave (CTW) group. I am leading the slowest group. From my group members and even comments from the group above us, there is some frustration at being at the bottom. Coming in last really isn't much fun.

But maybe there is something to learn from being the little fish, the one at the back, the one that comes in last. Oh, don't get me wrong. I like to win. I like to do well at things, but what can you learn from being a little fish:

· Sometimes the joy is in being part of the race rather than the destination.

· Sometimes it is about the people you meet on the way rather than the few you would meet if you went straight to the top.

· There is satisfaction in doing your best no matter the outcome.

· Perhaps the goal is doing better or going farther than you did last time rather than beating the other person.

Growth, while painful and uncomfortable at times, is about being stretched. Big fishes in little ponds have nowhere to go. They have no need to stretch and grow. Little fishes in big ponds have everywhere to stretch and grow.

Amy

Live from Merna?

2010-03-16T13:48:00.002-05:00

According to the Census, I live in Merna. Hmm. I think I may have driven through there once or twice trying to find my way to small town foster parents' homes when I worked in social services, but I've never even gotten gas there. I'm not even sure if you can get gas there.

I had heard that there was problem with some of the census forms going out to residents of Normal, IL – that they had been incorrectly labeled as Merna. I thought maybe they were the forms closer to that side of town. Apparently, even those of us in the heart of Normal can get them too. I am told that I can still send it back and be correctly counted as living in Normal. Still, it is a bit disconcerting.

I'm assuming that it was an error with a computer program that caused the glitch. The street address and the zip were correct. While they say that the bar code on the form will get it correctly counted, I wonder what the litmus test for that was.

I suppose we will find out if Merna's population explodes.

That's all from Merna or Normal or wherever I am.

Amy

Closed Due To CLEMENT Weather

2010-03-16T12:54:00.002-05:00

"Closed due to CLEMENT weather." If only I could hang that sign on the door today.

But, we rarely close for inclement weather. Those out of town sometimes manage to call in because the roads are impassable. But I always seem to make it in. I doubt the powers that be would let us close for nice weather.

Still, my body and soul long for Sunday. Today seems like the perfect one.

Amy

Spring Forward

2010-03-12T09:22:00.001-06:00

Yes, it is that wonderful time of the year when we change our clocks. We spring forward, so we lose an hour of sleep. While I am not a fan of that, I am pleased that it means an extra hour of daylight!

I've lived in places that participate in daylight savings and places that don't. When I lived in Indiana, it was always interesting because part of the state (the northwest and southwest tips) did participate and the rest didn't. However, I don't remember feeling deprived of daylight when I lived in central Indiana. It was nice not to have to worry about the clocks.

I do have a question. If spring forward gives us more daylight, why don't we just stay on that time? At some point in the fall, does it give us less daylight? Maybe my perception is off, but it seems that the only thing that happens when we "fall back" is that we get plunged into darkness. Again, that is my perception and it might be off, but I never seem to find the benefit there.

My alarm clock automatically adjusts for daylight savings, so I shouldn't be late on Sunday. But I do need to see if I can find the car manual so I can figure out how to change the clock in the car. The bad thing about only doing it twice a year is I can never remember how to do it!

Have Faith, Will Follow

2010-03-09T08:47:00.003-06:00

In 1996 I had been on staff with InterVarsity Christian Fellowship (IVCF) for five years at Indiana University. I still loved working with students, but I felt the tug to venture somewhere else. I began looking for the possibility of transferring with IVCF to another school. The possibility of moving to Illinois came about. I had thought that I would move in 1997, but the team leader in Illinois was interested in me moving so that I would be in place the fall of 1996.

I decided to move. However, my summer was booked with camps and various things so that making a trip to Bloomington Normal was next to impossible. I had talked to another staff, Marcia Wang, and we had decided we would room together. She found a place. In August I moved to a new city without ever having visited. My adventurous thought was that if I were moving to Africa as a missionary I might never have done a preliminary visit either.

While it worked out well, I sometimes marvel at my willingness to go sight unseen. Perhaps, I am more cautious the older I get or I rely on the conventional wisdom of look before you leap.

As I've thought about it, it has come to mind that sometimes God says "Go" without laying out the entire plan. I want an itinerary. We will make the following stops. The trip will take so many days, etc. But looking at scripture, it seems that God often does not lay out every step. When he called Abram/Abraham to leave his home it was only with the statement that he was to go to a land that God would show him. It seems too vague me. Or when the early Christians were spreading the good news, it seems that they were often lucky to know the next step. Sometimes, like for Paul, that came in a dream.

It isn't just with traveling that God sometimes gives the instruction and possibly a long term end point but leaves out the middle.

Again, God promised Abraham that he would make him into a great nation. Abraham had to wait many years for the promised son. My logic says that Abraham and Sarah would have multiplied like the Duggars of 19 Kids and Counting. But Abraham's line didn't really start multiply until his 12 great grandkids. And in hindsight, it seems that Abraham's biological kids weren't really what God meant. Yes, God used Abraham's descendants to spread His word, but in many respects, it seems that Abraham's offspring that outnumber the stars are really faith descendants.

A few years ago, I felt God prompting me to leave my job and start a private practice in counseling. It was risky and nerve racking. Honestly, it didn't turn out at all like I expected. Within a year, I had closed what I had just opened. Did it turn out like I expected? No. Do I still think God wanted me to do it? Yes.

I had been working as a social worker in foster care. The job was exhausting. I sometimes worked all day and then supervised parent child visits in the evening. It didn't leave me much time for anything else.

About the time that I found office space and had my last day, I met Bill. Bill worked third shift at the local paper. We ended up spending some time together on just about a daily basis. That wouldn't have been at all possible with my work schedule as a foster care social worker and his third shift job. I thought that the practice was the goal. In hindsight I think that giving me that time with Bill was the goal. (Bill died suddenly in late April of that year.)

I like knowing the steps in a journey. But I am learning that with God it is more about trusting the one who says "Move" or "Stop" or "Turn" or "Rest" or any number of directions.

In traveling we might say, "Have passport, will travel."

With God we must be willing to give up our preconceived notions and perhaps we should say, "Have faith, will follow."

God's work in progress,

Amy

When My World Is Shaking

2010-03-08T07:41:00.002-06:00

When I was in college, southern Indiana experienced a few minor earthquakes. There was a prediction of a bigger one later in the term. My classmates and I were ready to believe the worst. We lobbied our professors to let us off that day. They took it all in stride and said, "No." In one class we were scheduled to do presentations. Dr. Bock told us that anyone who was giving a presentation during an earthquake would get an automatic A. There were no earthquakes that day.

This morning on the way in, I heard that Turkey experienced an earthquake this morning. I think that makes 3 countries experiencing earthquakes in 2 months: Haiti, Chile, and Turkey. Sobering.

It made me think of the song by JJ Heller entitled "In Your Hands."

I have unanswered prayers

I have trouble I wish wasn't there

I have asked a thousand ways

That you would take my pain away

I am trying to understand

How to walk this weary land

Make straight the path a crooked line

Oh Lord before these feet of mine

When my world is shaking

Heaven stands

When my heart is breaking

I never leave your hands

When you walked upon this earth

You healed the broken, lost, and hurt

I know you hate to see me cry

One day you will set all things right

Yeah, one day you will set all things right

When my world is shaking

Heaven stands

When my heart is breaking

I never leave your hands

Your hands

Your hands that shaped the world

Are holding me, they hold me still

Your hands that shaped the world

Are holding me, they hold me still

I do not claim to understand what it is like to live through a major earthquake. The minor ones I have felt hardly count – like pinching your finger in a door. But I do think that these lines are true. When our worlds shake – literally or figuratively – heaven stands. When our hearts are breaking, we remain in God's hands. Perhaps like any parent whose child is heart, God holds us even closer.

Please pray for Haiti, Chile, and Turkey.

God's work in progress,

Amy

No Good At Waiting

2010-03-05T07:00:00.000-06:00

I like to teach my pets tricks. Both cats (Katy and Mali) come when called. I've gone as far as to teach Mali to jump through a hoop. So, when I got Hadley (my floppy eared Beagle), she had to learn some things too. At first, it was sit, stay, come, down, etc. But as we moved into winter, I wanted to keep her engaged. We've attempted shake and rollover.

Recently, I've attempted to work on "take it" with her.

I'm posting today at the Internet Cafe. Click here to finish reading this post.

Anxiety Is My Closest Friend

2010-03-04T14:07:00.003-06:00

Anxiety is my closest friend. Seriously. She keeps me up until all hours talking, perseverating. She rings me up in the midst of work, wondering when I will have more time for her, extrapolating on details that make my head spin. She meets me at the door with a pile of bills. Lest I forget, she reminds me of the 101 things that dot my list of things to do. When my attention wanders, she squeals until my eyes, mind, and heart are riveted back on her. She sets my priorities. She pushes me when I just need a moment of rest, reminding me of what might happen if things are tended to. The more insistent she is, the more attention I give her. The more attention I give her, the more insistent she is.

But I would rather have peace. I came upon this definition of peace recently:

Peace.

It does not mean to be in a place

where there is no noise,

trouble or hard work.

It means to be in the midst

of those thnings and still

be calm in your heart.

(author unknown)

So what brings you peace when the world comes crashing in? What brings you pace in the midst of trouble?

Looking at the one who holds me in His hands. Listening to the one who quiets me with His love (Zephaniah 3:17).

But if I know that, why is it so hard?

Because the world is loud with flashing lights.

Because I have so often listened to anxiety and worry that I hear them best instead of listening to the still, small voice, the whisper on the mountain that is God.

So I need to practice listening to God so that I hear him best. I need to train my ears, my eyes, my heart. I need to tune them to the one who can calm my heart in the midst of life.

Any tips on tuning into peace?

No Dropped Stitches

2010-03-03T13:15:00.002-06:00

Growing up, my mom taught us to knit. Each of us girls made a doll blanket. But that was the extent of our interest. When I went to college, I spent a semester in England. A woman who owned a wool shop came into Harlaxton College (University of Evansville's branch campus in Grantham, England) and gave free knitting lessons. Of course, we all bought our knitting supplies from her. About three fourths of the 200 students learned to knit that semester. Men and women could both be found carrying their knitting all over the castle. Once a week, about 30 students gathered in the TV room to watch what few American TV shows we managed to garnish from across the "pond." (Yes, this was in 1988. No internet based TV for us!)

That semester I made two sweaters. Recently, I picked it up again. Knitting always makes me think of the verse in Psalms that says God knit me together in my mother's womb. Knitting. It takes time. It takes patience. In reality, it is an intricate weaving of the yarn in and around itself. If you just knit across and then back, you get a bumpy pattern. If you knit across and use a pearl stitch back, you get a smooth "stockinet" pattern on the right side. Two stitches. You can combine them a number of different ways to make intricate patterns.

Some of it takes counting. I actually count a lot while knitting just to make sure I haven't dropped a stitch. A dropped stitch will inevitably leave a hole and mar the design.

Knitting. Time intensive design that is built one stitch at a time.

Knowing this, what are the implications for that verse about God knitting me together?

God took time.

He combined a multitude of stitches one by one to make me who I am.

He was careful with the design.

Each stitch, each hair on my head, is counted as valuable.

And God didn't drop any stitches. There are no holes even when I fell less than perfect. I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

Now, if I could just remember that, perhaps I could thank God for my curls or a nose that I think is too pointy or face too long or a crooked finger. Each and every detail was lovingly worked, knit together, in an intricate pattern that God calls beautiful. Who am I to argue? Okay, I do argue about it, but I probably shouldn't!

I am a less than perfect knitter, but I can rest in knowing that there are no dropped stitches with God.

Someone Must Pay. Someone Has.

2010-02-24T09:53:00.005-06:00

The news is always filled with tragedies. One of the most recent one was Joseph Stack flying his plane into the IRS building in Texas. He ended up killing himself and Vernon Hunter (a man just going about his daily job) and terrorizing countless others. I am grieved by that news.

Today I read that Valerie Hunter, Vernon Hunter's wife, has filed a lawsuit against Sheryl Stack to find out if Joseph Stack left any life insurance money. I cannot imagine Valerie Hunter's grief and trying to figure out how to make life work after her husband's loss. Still, this news saddens me. It is one more example of what our society has come to. We live in an increasingly litigious society, a society whose mantra is "Someone must pay."

Part of the lawsuit is that Sheryl Stack (Joseph Stack's wife) should have warned people about her husband. If she knew, she probably should have said something. However, I wonder if she did know. I think it is a big IF. If she even had an inkling, I wonder if she would have dismissed it or perhaps couldn't even fathom that her husband would do something like that. How do you prove that she did know?

I haven't read it, but apparently Joseph Stack posted a screed on line. Shouldn't anyone who saw it alerted the authorities?

Someone must pay. Someone must be to blame.

It isn't a new phenomenon. When Columbine happened, everyone looked at the boys' parents. The prevailing thought was "They should have known. There must have been warning signs."

But here is the reality. They might have seen something, but it might not have been enough to raise alarms. Or maybe they misinterpreted what they saw, chalked it up to teenage angst, something they would grow out of.

Still, we say that someone must be to blame. Someone must pay.

Those are big examples. But what about day to day life? Do you ever look for someone to blame or make someone pay in some way?

Sadly, I know I do at times. I want things to all balance out. If I feel I've been injured, I want to know that someone else has owned responsibility. I want it to even out. But it is never as satisfying as I imagine. Balancing, winning that justice, can leave a bitter taste.

God doesn't want us to seek to balance in that way. Rather, He says, "Turn the other cheek."

And He says to look at the cross. That is where Jesus paid a debt He did not owe to bring peace.

How would the world change if we sought peace instead of chanting the mantra "Someone must pay?"

The reality is that Jesus has already paid. What if we trusted that?

I Would Have Made a Good Pharisee

2010-02-02T22:21:00.002-06:00

For some reason, my favorite Bible characters have been on my mind as of late. They include Josiah and Peter and Esther to name just a few. I've found myself perusing the stories of these characters and those like them. As I've been doing that, I've felt this question tingle at the edges of my mind. I've kind of wanted to keep it at the edges, but as it sometimes happens, God wanted me to look at it. What is the question you ask?

Great characters of the faith fill the pages of the Bible, which one are you most like?

I'm posting today at the Internet Cafe. Click here to finish reading this post.

Reprinted from September 2009.

Moon Ring?

2010-01-28T22:31:00.004-06:00

Call me crazy, but do you see the ring around the moon? I don't know how well it shows here. I took this picture tonight. No, I don't mean the circle of light immediately around the moon. I mean the one farther out in a perfect circle. At first I thought it might be clouds, but when do clouds make a perfect circle.

Do the arrows help? Seriously, it was like a large hole in the sky with the moon in the middle.

Call me crazy or maybe I've discovered a moon ring. If anyone knows what this is, please enlighten me!

A Little Good News

2010-01-26T20:50:00.007-06:00

I'm going to date myself, but back when I was in high school, Anne Murray (a country singer my mom listened to) had a song out about "a little good news." It hypothesized what it would be like to wake up and find that the only thing the papers had to report was good news. It was idyllic.

There are so many things going on around the world with Haiti being at the forefront right now.

Then there is the economy. Are we recovering or not?

And there is politics. Every politician blames his opponent.

I talked to a friend last night. Her mom died in November. While she is managing that, she shared with me that a friend had passed 3 weeks later leaving 19 and 17 year old daughters without extended family. Another one of her friends had a child try to commit suicide over Christmas. Thankfully, she wasn't successful.

I feel weighted down with things. I could add to the list my own bad news items. But, I want to try something different. Let's list a few good news items. I'll start and if you want to participate, leave a little good news (big or small) along with your email address so I can contact you. Sunday, I'll use the random number generator to pick someone to win a $10 gift certificate. It doesn't have to be big -- just something that you feel is good news!

Extra! Extra! Read all about it! A Little Good News!

I spent a good 15 minutes to half hour laughing today.
It's cold outside but I am warm inside.
My cats have yet to figure out how to tip the new water bowl system. (Click here)
Hadley had her vet check up recently. She is happy and healthy and I'm teaching her to rollover.
Everyone was at work today! People have been in and out a lot -- sick, weather, whatever. Today, everyone was there!

New Face, New Phase

2010-01-22T20:51:00.003-06:00

Growing up, my grandmother Brooke meant the world to me. When I was about 10, I would go to bed willing myself to wake up early. Then I would sneak down the stairs and sit and read in the green chair outside her room. Eventually, she would look up and see me. The two of us would go into the kitchen and she would begin making breakfast -- which always included my favorite coffee cake. The entire time, I would rattle on and on about things from school, a poem I read, a story I'd written. She would listen and ask questions. I hated it when the others would begin to stir and I would have to share her with them.

Aside from my grandparents, I've never spent much time with older adults. Rather, I've gravitated toward children. My sister and I started a lucrative babysitting business as 6th graders going into 7th. I think we were in such high demand because we actually played with the kids. How did the parents know? Once we got attached to the children, we would show up "off the clock" to seek if we could take them for a walk or play tag or whatever. When we started driving, I think we spent half our money treating kids to ice cream and McDonalds.

Over the years, I've volunteered in numerous ways: nursery, Sunday School, vacation Bible school, as a mentor for a child in a residential treatment center, as a court advocate for children in foster care, . . . . You get the picture. But I've been "between" volunteering for the last year or so. This past fall, someone suggested a nursing home. I was hesitant. They persisted, and last Monday I went to an assisted living center in town. This is somewhat different than a nursing home as the residents are more mobile and such.

Long story short, I've been paired up with one of the residents. (Though, I'm not sure what to call her. Due to HIPPA, I really can't post her name or any identifying information. Maybe I'll just call her Friend for now.) We had a really nice visit -- complete with a competitive came of Scrabble. She beat me, but for most of it we were pretty evenly matched.

So, it is a new face, and a new phase of volunteering for me. I think it will be fun.

How Rumors Get Started

2010-01-21T20:38:00.004-06:00

So, I was playing around on Facebook and such and clicked back to my blog to click on some of the blogs I like to read. I didn't post today, but I noticed that my counter showed a little activity. I clicked to find out where it came from.

Imagine my surprise when I clicked to find out what search engines had led to my site. Apparently, a couple people typed in "Amy Brooke died" or "Did Amy Brooke die?"

It's a little disconcerting to see that statement and that question roaming around blogdom. I tried to follow it a bit, but quickly decided I didn't really want to go where those links appeared to be taking me.

Some legitimate links between me and the idea of death popped up. I wrote an article for InterVarsity's Student Leadership Journal many, many years ago. That popped up. A quote from the a chapter I wrote in the book Faith on the Edge:Daring to Follow Jesus popped up to. And then there was a link to the eulogy I wrote earlier this month.

There is more than one Amy Brooke. I don't know how many of us share the Louise part. Given the vastness of the world, there is probably another.

Still, it took me by surprise and tickled that feeling of mortality. Maybe a degree of that is healthy. It keeps us and our lives in perspective.

But, for the moment, I am alive and well.

Still, it is an odd feeling.

A Little White Box

2010-01-20T21:42:00.002-06:00

Today, I stumbled on a little white box as I was coming in. It totally took me by surprise because I was not expecting a package. It turned out to be a sweet package from my friend Joy. Interestingly, Joy and I have never met in person. We were both at She Speaks two years ago but never connected. We've chatted on-line some and marveled at the similarities in our lives from both being twins to struggling at times with making friends. We've lamented not being able to go out for tea or hot chocolate. Dear Joy sent me all kinds of treasures -- candles, tea, a Snickers bar that says "Believe," a little notebook, . . . . The best gift of all is being thought of.

Who have you thought of today? Can you send them a handwritten note or give them a call? You'll never know what joy you might pass on!

Smarter than a Cat?

2010-01-19T19:52:00.006-06:00

I love my cats. I really do. However, they provide all kinds of unique challenges. Mali consistently runs off with all things soft. Katy has a weird (especially for a cat) obsession with water. Light weight bowls of water are batted so they go flying across the floor. Heavier bowls are tipped. Bowls in bases can be popped out! (I am not kidding!) The result is a consistently wet floor and socks.

Today I was in Peoria and went in to Pet Smart. I told one of the people working there my problem. She suggested super glue or one of the heavy water containers. Since I like to be able to clean the bowls, I thought I would pass on the super glue -- for now. I came home with a water fountain thing. (I'm not sure of the technical name.) Now, I have to wait and see how long it takes to have 3 gallons of water on my floor!

Here are the cats checking it out:

Katy (black and white) is usually the water spiller but also a bit more cautious about new things!

Mali wanted to see if she could tip 3 gallons. Thankfully, not yet!

Goodbyes

2010-01-07T18:05:00.004-06:00

There are parts of life that I remember clearly and other, probably the majority, that blend into the background of my life. One that I remember clearly was on January 5, 1992. It was the middle of several hard days. The minister was at the front of the room and he was talking. I don't remember much of what he said, until suddenly he asked, "Would anyone like to say something?"

I panicked and stayed firmly glued to my seat. I shared my disappointment with myself over that situation with someone recently. Her response was reassuring. "Not many 23-year-olds could eulogize a parent." I don't know if that is true, but it was comforting.

Maybe my silence wouldn't have been so discomforting even 18-years later if someone, anyone, had spoken.

My mom was diagnosed with lung cancer my senior year in college. She was sick all that year. Actually, she had been sick months before her diagnosis. But she was stubborn about doctors. I graduated and started on staff with InterVarsity Christian Fellowship. My senior year and those first seven months on staff, I did school or work during the week and traveled back to Cincinnati to visit my mom on the weekends.

It was an up and down 18 months or so. She would get really bad and then pull through. A month or two later, the cycle would repeat.

At 23, I had only ever been to one funeral. That had been seven years before. I didn't know what to expect. And I didn't know the word eulogy. Apparently, the minister didn't know that no one had been asked to say a few words. So, no one did.

It makes me sad to think of it now. Everyone should have someone say something.

So, I am doing it 18-years and two days later. In retrospect, it gives me perspective on my mom that I don't believe I would have had then.

My Mom:

I don't know a lot about my mom's growing up. But I do know it was hard. My mom was born in Hazard, KY of Dukes of Hazard fame. She was the youngest child of 17 (10 full and 7 half siblings) all born to James Sparks. My grandfather was not a man of means. He was coal miner while living in Kentucky. At some point, he packed up my grandmother and the children still living at home and moved to Cincinnati where he found work as a night watchman at the Cincinnati Zoo and a taxi cab driver.

So, my mom didn't have a lot of the advantages that I had growing up. But I think that made her approach parenting as an effort to give her girls things that she never had. With such a large family, resources were scarce. Her parents had both been orphaned young -- at around 11, I believe. There was no precedent for education. However, from what I gather, my mom made it through high school.

I say "From what I gather" because she didn't talk about growing up much. With that many siblings, I grew up thinking many of my cousins were aunts and uncles because they were my mom's age or older and had kids that were older than we were. I could tell that life was hard even in watching my grandmother, Sarah Sparks. While my grandmother Brooke was the bake cookies and play checkers grandmother, grandma Sparks was small, shriveled, and looked decades older than she was. My mom talked only once or twice about her father. Once was about how stern he was and if he yelled up the stairs for them to get up and they even heard one footfall on the step, they were out of bed. A second time was just relating that he had died when she was only 18 from Black Lung.

All of that is to say that things were hard for her.

I wonder at times if that lack of education or just not having a lot of attention growing up made my mom so insecure. How do you get individual attention with so many brothers and sisters? I think that insecurity is what made it hard to get to know her and hard for her to know how to express affection.

Recently, I was talking to a mom of two about the snow. She told me how she had abandoned shoveling for sliding through the snow with her girls instead. I remember playing in the snow as a child, but I don't remember my mom ever playing in the snow with us. She is strangely absent from all the play images in my memories. But people who grow up in poverty don't often learn to play.

I wish my mom could have played with us.

She didn't express a lot of affection and it was hard not to hear, "I love you" often, but if you knew how to read her, you could see her care. While we were playing, we would smell brownies baking. We would rush upstairs and she would be sitting at the kitchen counter and tell us the Brownie Fairy had come. We would giggle. Before the brownies had time to cool, she let us have some for a tea party. (If only she had come to the tea party too!).

Baking was a sign of care. She had a little tiny book of cut out cakes. Every year for our birthday, we got to select one (my twin and I each got one though we shared a birthday). She would stay up to all hours to make those cakes. The same was true of Halloween costumes. I don't remember store bought costumes. I remember pioneer and pilgrim and princess and Indian girl costumes sewn just for us.

My mom wanted so much more for us. Even though she didn't have a higher education, she instilled in us how important it was. Honestly, I didn't know that college was optional until I was in high school. And then, it had been ingrained in me that I was going.

I think my mom would be proud. All three of her girls not only went to undergrad but went on to get master level degrees.

My feelings for my mom are complex. There are disappointments and hurts, but then I also miss her at times too. I missed having someone help me figure out how to get a start in life. My mom wasn't that open to questions, but I miss the idea of having a mom to go to to ask things even if it is something like what "folding" in a recipe means.

My mom pretty much refused to talk about her illness. In fact, I remember her kicking a social worker out of her hospital room when she stopped by to say she was available to talk to my mom or anyone in the family. I know it would have been scary, but I so wish she could have talked to us about her illness. In not talking about it, though we theoretically had the chance, we never got to tell her what she meant to us and she never got to tell us what we meant to her. We never got to say a heartfelt goodbye.

This eulogy is 18-years and 2 days past when that minister naively asked, "Would anyone like to say something?" Yes, I would. I miss you mom. I'm sorry that I didn't love you better in the end, that I let my fear and your fear get in the way of really loving you well. I do love you. I hope you might be just a bit proud of me.

Do You Understand the Price?

2010-01-06T17:21:00.006-06:00

With more bone searing cold and snow predicted, I decided to repair a hole in my thickest gloves this morning before going to work. As I did, I had to chuckle about my pets. You see, they are in cahoots with one another. Katy routinely knocks things off the counter and kitchen table (where she is not allowed) and dresser. She has taken to getting on top of the refrigerator and knocking down magnets and pictures as well. Mali loves all things soft. She steals socks and dish towels and pajama bottoms and stows them in a nest under the bed. Hadley firmly believes that anything the cats have knocked to the floor is for her. So, last night she retrieved my missing glove from under the bed. I would have thanked her, but in seconds she had a hole in the palm.

I got Hadley the beginning of March 2009. To be honest, at times I've wondered if I had added up the cost if I would have gotten a puppy. Between the vet, the leashes, the kennel, and the dog food, she has been an expense. Add to that the cords she has chewed, the blanket she put a hole in, all the plastic items that she crunches before I can retrieve them, my gloves, and (the one that made me the most angry) the piece of wall paper border chewed directly off the wall!

I'm not big on Christmas music, but this year I found a couple of songs I really enjoyed. One was Joseph's Lullaby by Mercy Me. It goes:

Go to sleep my son
This manger for your bed
You have a long road before you
Rest your little head

Can you feel the weight of your glory?
Do you understand the price?
Does the Father guard your heart for now
So you can sleep tonight?

Go to sleep my son
Go and chase your dreams
This world can wait for one more moment
Go and sleep in peace

I believe the glory of heaven
Is lying in my arms tonight
Lord, I ask that he for just this moment
Simply be my child

Go to sleep my son
Baby close your eyes
Soon enough you'll save the day
But for now dear child of mine
Oh, my Jesus, sleep tight.

It's a pale, pale, almost translucent comparison, but I think that even if I had known the cost, I would have gotten Hadley. She greets me enthusiastically. Her tail is always wagging. She follows me devotedly. She has brought me laughter with her antics. Just like Katy and Mali, she is a snuggle bug. (I've begun to wonder if I would know how to sleep without one or two or three furry friends on top of me.) She has been a bright spot in many dreary days.

But there is a cost. There is a cost in finances. There is a cost in time. There is a cost for my heart.

Can you feel the weight of your glory? Do you understand the price? Two questions from that song for an infant Jesus. I cannot fathom what Jesus knew or didn't know as an infant. I do not know when the awareness of who He was dawned on Him or if it was always present. Was it in the temple as a boy of 12? Was it many years before when Joseph took him out to see the night sky? Was it when studying with other boys his age and realizing that He understood the Father in such vastly different ways?

One of my plans for the New Year is reading Grace Notes by Philip Yancey. There is a selected reading from his works for each day of the year. I'm only six days in, but I find myself wanting to read ahead.

One selection brushed on answering those questions. Can you feel the weight of your glory? Do you understand the price? Yancey wrote in the selection entitled "Rosetta Stone,"

Because of Jesus we need never question God's desire for intimacy. Does God really want close contact with us? Jesus gave up Heaven for it. In person he reestablished the original link between God and human beings, between seen and unseen worlds.

Yes, Jesus understood the price -- giving up the glory of heaven even for just a time, creator choosing to become created, knowing that every step, from being carried in Mary's arms to toddling around the house to walking into the Jordan, every step took Him closer to the cross. And He came anyway.

He came because you and I are worth the price. He came because He could not -- no would not -- fathom not knowing us and being known by us.

Do you understand the price for knowing God?

My story about the cost of Hadley is not even the hint of a shadow of the price that Jesus paid for us because He so desired intimacy with us. I know that. But I can only hope that when I whisper thank you or go to Him in prayer or respond to a prompting or lose myself in worship that I give Him some portion of the joy that I feel when Hadley and Katy and Mali draw close.

I Need A Proper Hug

2009-11-27T15:36:00.002-06:00

I go to the movies on rare occasions. Part of it is simply logistics and not wanting to do the solo thing. But every once in awhile I decide a movie looks good enough to go it alone.

Today, I went to see Blindside. It's a major show but is a bit like Facing the Giants. It was excellent. (Cannot believe I'm saying that about a football movie.) But, honestly, it is more than a movie about football. Football is the secondary story line. The first is about a family that makes one decision after another to walk out their faith in very real and practical ways. At one point, a woman says to Leigh Ann (the mom), "You're changing that boy's life." She corrects her. "He's changing mine."

There were lots of lines that struck me. It is probably worth a second viewing. But as I left the theater, I was struck by a line that happened mid way through the movie and was repeated later. The family is celebrating Michael's success. Leigh Ann says, "I need a proper hug."

Through out the movie, whenever Leigh Ann starts to get emotional, she says, "Alright then" and leaves to hide the tears. As she has to part from Michael at the end, she does it again. Michael is perplexed but then follows her to the car. She tries to be brusque, at first refusing to roll down the car window. When she finally does, Michael says, "I need a proper hug."

Good movie that makes you so glad Michael has someone to hug him.

I Think I'll Have Pie

2009-11-24T23:17:00.003-06:00

Today on my way into work, I heard a discussion about Thanksgiving portions. The information given was correct. The stomach holds about two cups of food without stretching. That is about two handfuls. Hmm. Doesn't sound like a Thanksgiving feast? I could see where this would be a bit anxiety provoking for people who find comfort rituals. Thanksgiving has partly become about an elaborate spread. Partly is the key word.

The other part is the thankful part. That should probably be the biggest part.

Towards the end of last summer, I started taking a class through work called Healthy Weight Healthy You (HWHY). I lost a good hunk of weight. (Click here for info on that.) Erin Kennedy and Kim McClintic (the leaders) suggested starting with a goal of 10% weight loss. While I didn't quite achieve that, I was still pleased.

The last couple of weeks they have started a second session. I am thrilled to announce that today I hit 10%!

I could get a bit obsessive about it and think that come Thursday I really shouldn't eat. But that would just make me feel deprived. So, I am keeping what they have taught us in mind.

Don't go starving
Select a variety. Veggies are good but it doesn't all have to be veggies.
Watch the portion sizes. Just because you only get it once or twice a year doesn't mean you have to go overboard. Take a bit. You can go back for more if that didn't satisfy. But give yourself time to decide that.
A pound is about 3,500 calories. You would have to eat a ton and do absolutely nothing to do that much damage in a day. The real battle is more the day to day stuff or the treats between the holidays from Halloween candy to chocolate Easter bunnies. You cannot blow it in one day.

Kim talked about hidden fats and sugars today and ways to figure that out. I'm planning on making an apple pie (real apples that I have to peel and everything). Yes, it has sugar. I could try a substitute but since this is a very few (2-3) times a year treat, I think I'll stick to mom's recipe and enjoy.

All things factored in, 1 piece of pie won't undo my 10%!

So You Are In The Know

2009-11-23T20:28:00.006-06:00

Today, I had two conversations about the device to the right. Neither person knew what I was talking about. I thought I'd share with you so that on Nov. 30th you would be in the know.

It is Nook. The management team at the Barnes and Noble where I work is adamant that it is simply "Nook." (To be fair, this is coming from corporate.) It is not a Nook or the Nook, just Nook.

Nook is an e-reader. It's a bit like the Kindle from Amazon. (But the people I talked to today didn't know about that either.) Basically, you wirelessly download books and read them on Nook. It's got a touch screen, nifty covers, over a million titles available, and you can even loan your ebook to other people who have Nook! Sorry, all of that beats Kindle.

It's been interesting listening to the buzz it has created. It doesn't debut in stores until Nov. 30th! Demand has outstripped all expectations without people even having a demo to play with in the stores. (The BN store I work at is leading the district in pre-orders.) On Saturday, I had a chance to pre-order it for a customer. I was a bit nervous. I wanted to make sure I did it all correctly!

I'm sure it is the wave of the future. I'm looking forward to seeing one, though it may take a bit for me to actually get one. Nook isn't in the budget at the moment. (No employee discount -- bummer!) Still, I am curious.

You can check it out at BN.com (click the picture -- it's a live link) or go into a store and any bookseller can tell you all about it. Either way, just tell them Amy sent you. Or not. They won't have a clue who I am. (But in case any BN management or corporate types are reading -- notice that I'm talking about it at my day job and not just in store and I'm even talking about it on the web!)

Now, you know. Nook is coming and you even know how to talk about it -- simply Nook.

I bet it makes it in the newest version of the dictionary next year.

I See You, I Hear You, I Love You -- Hope Chronicles 93

2009-11-16T06:01:00.007-06:00

Sometimes -- okay, often times -- I struggle with crowds. I do okay if I have a specific task, but just hanging in big groups is so hard for me as it often makes me feel very alone. This even spills over into church at times. I watch people interact and connect and I wonder why I cannot seem to make those connections.

I've noticed lately that this has spilled over in my relationship with God. I've found myself feeling like I am just one in the crowd with God. Intellectually, I know that isn't true. However, sometimes it is so hard to past the feelings.

Alone. Lonely. I hate those words, but I've felt them so acutely the last several months. I've found myself pondering the first few chapters of Genesis. Everything is "good." When God creates Adam, it is "very good." However it then shifts because no suitable helper for Adam is found. God says, "It is not good for man to be alone." It is the only not good. So God creates Eve.

My plea with God has been that it is not good for me to be alone either. I don't mean just in terms of a mate but even in terms of friends and family. Being single, I get up alone, go to bed alone, eat 99% of my meals alone, and rarely have anyone ask, "How was your day?"

I feel unseen, unheard, unloved.

But God. (See this post for more on But God.) God doesn't always respond in our timing or the way we want. The Israelites were in slavery for hundreds of years. But God saw them. He heard the cry of His people. There are 400 years of relative silence between the Old and New Testament time periods. But God never forgot His people. He may have been waiting for just the right moment, but He saw them and heard them and loved them.

Recently I heard about a gathering to learn about orphans around the world put on by Life Song for Orphans. I also heard that one of my favorite people was going to be speaking. Lysa is from North Carolina. I emailed and said that I knew that she and Holly (another of my favorite people) probably had plans and such, but considering that they would only be 45 minutes away, if I could get off of work, I would drive up to hear Lysa speak. I got an email back saying they would love to see me and talked about dinner.

Going up, I tried to keep my expectations in check. Lysa would be busy with people wanting to talk to her after she shared her adoption story. Holly would be busy with Lysa's book table. I packed a book in my bag so I could sit and read.

But I didn't crack my book once! Holly greeted me enthusiastically and invited me to help at the table. Lysa was talking to someone, but as soon as she was done, she came over to greet me and hug me too. I sat with them during the program. I got to spend a bit of time with them at dinner.

The coordinator and two of the volunteers of the event also went to dinner. Lysa introduced me as her friend and briefly told how we had connected. She said, "I just love her to pieces."

I don't see Lysa and Holly much. We don't even connect through email even once every few months. I read Lysa's blog and such, so I keep up with her some. It just meant a lot to be named their friend and have the opportunity to connect.

I feel like God said, "I know you don't feel it at times, but I see you, I hear you, I love you. Now, here are two people to tangibly show you even if it is just a few hours." Never underestimate how much hope a kind word, a hug, or a few hours of fellowship can bring to a soul.

Lysa Terkeurst, me, & Holly Good

Who Do You Do Life With?

2009-11-12T21:06:00.003-06:00

I discovered Grey's Anatomy this summer. Yes, I know it has been on for a few years. I just never tuned in. The summer was perfect time for starting. I've actually found the original episodes and I'm slogging my way through those as well as the current ones.

I was touched by one of the early ones. A mom was giving birth to quints. They were very tiny and fragile. I think they lost at least one. Another was struggling. Meredith had the idea to put one of the weaker babies in the same incubator as one of the stronger ones. She said it was called "co-bedding" and hospitals sometimes did it with twins. No one knows why it helps, but that it does. Perhaps it has something to do with no being alone.

That episode was on awhile ago, but it has stuck with me. What things might get healed if we emotionally "co-bedded?" There must be a better way to say that. What if we got that close to one another so that we could heal from someone's strength.

It has actually had me thinking about the American idea of living as one family or one individual. We want children to grow up and move out of the house. We encourage independence. But what if we are missing something too?

When I lived in IN I lived with a family for three years. It was bit of an unorthodox situation. I paid minimal rent and while I wasn't a nanny, I helped out with the kids whenever I could. I ate with them when I could. If Dana cooked, I cleaned up. If she was cooking, I would take the kids outside to play. I ran errands. I kid sat. I made a weekly time to have "art" (used loosely because I am no artist) with 5 year-old Hannah. When Elizabeth turned 4, she wanted a butterfly birthday theme. I made a butterfly shaped cake with yellow icing and decorated with pastel M & M's by the birthday girl. On Sunday nights after the kids were in bed, Jerry and Dana and I met to talk and pray. We did life together.

Honestly, daily proximity helped. But what if we did life together more intentionally? I wonder what places in our hearts might find peace for a time and maybe healing.

Who do you do life with?

Holiday Spirit

2009-11-09T20:23:00.004-06:00

If you are gaga about Christmas, you might not want to read this. You've been warned. But then, if you are gaga about Christmas, you might have some words of wisdom for me.

I'm not big on Christmas. No, I don't think that makes me Scrooge. Actually, I'm fine with everyone else being all Christmas. Generally, I try not to tear it down. I listen to people who are all excited, but I generally try to refrain from commenting. (Yes, this is an exception!)

I just think that the holidays are hard for a lot of people:

Maybe there is a loss associated with the holiday
Maybe they are lonely
Maybe it causes a lot of financial stress
Maybe they work retail where the holiday spirit is really more like a feeding frenzy and you ask someone if they want to donate to the holiday book drive and you get snarled at. (Not that anything like that has ever happened to me!)
Maybe people are far away from family
Maybe 100% Christmas music (30 different renditions of Jingle Bells in one day) just grates.
Maybe all the activity makes someone dizzy
Maybe things get lost in the shuffle
It could be any number of things

I wish I loved the holiday season. I really do. I'd love to be swept away by it. But then, I don't really get swept away by much.

I struggle with the holiday season, but I do love the meaning of it. I love the word Emmanuel, God with us. I learned once that literally it means that God pitched His tent among us. I love that idea. He made His home with us.

And I love that Jesus came in the dark of night. I love that His birth ended 400 years of relative silence from when the Old Testament ends and Jesus is born. I love that Jesus was born in a manger. Some of it is nostalgia from my horse riding days. I know that stables are smelly places, but there is a warmth there too. In terms of the big picture, a stable was a place where even shepherds could go unimpeded. Jesus came to the common man, not just the rich or the kings.

Mostly, I love what I imagine would have been a pause among all creation, when Jesus struggled into the world, and let out that first cry, and then was snuggled close. I love that Jesus knew comfort that way. I love that in the prodigal son, the father ran to hug his son. And though the cross was cruel, I love that Jesus chose to throw open his arms for all eternity because he wants to gather us close and never let go.

I struggle with the holidays for lots of reasons. But I love the meaning behind it. So, I'm praying that the peace of being held close to Jesus would prevail over the chaos and even the anxiety I am already beginning to feel.

But God -- Hope Chronicles 92

2009-11-02T06:00:00.000-06:00

Yesterday, I posted "No But's." While there are no but's to God's truth, there is a time when but becomes a word of hope. it is when it is coupled with God. "But God . . . ."

The story that sticks out to me the most is the one of Jonah. It's nice and short, so you could easily give it a quick read. (Hint, hint.) Short version: God called Jonah to go and preach to the the city of Nineveh. Jonah turns and runs the other way. But God sends a storm to wreck havoc on the ship that Jonah is on. The sailors throw Jonah overboard to appease God. I'm sure Jonah thought he was going to die. But the Lord provided a great fish to swallow Jonah. Jonah was in the fish for 3 days. (Yuck!). When the fish spits him onto the shore, Jonah finally goes to preach to Nineveh. However, when the people repent, Jonah is even more angry. He stalks off into the desert. God makes a vine grow up to give him shade. However, the next day, it is eaten by a worm. Jonah is so angry he wants to die. But the Lord replied, "You have been concerned about this vine, though you did not tend it or make it grow. It sprang up overnight and died overnight. But Nineveh has more than a hundred and twenty thousand people who cannot tell their right hand from their left, and many cattle as well. Should I not be concerned about that great city?"

"But God" juxtaposes the difference between man and God. In Jonah it shows Jonah's shallow concerns and God's compassion on 120,000 people.

In other places it shows God's provision:

Genesis 45:7 "But God sent me ahead of you to preserve for you a remnant on earth . . . ."
Genesis 48:21 "I am about to die, but Godwill be with you."
Psalm 118:13 I was pushed back and about to fall, but the Lord helped me."
Acts 2:24 in regards to Jesus "But God raised him from the dead, freeing him from the agony of death, because it was impossible for death to keep its hold on him."
Acts 7:5 "He gave him no inheritance here, not even a foot of ground. But God promised him that he and his descendants after him would possess the land, even though at the time Abraham had no child."

It shows God's compassion:

2 Samuel 14:14 "Like water spilled on the ground, which cannot be recovered, so we must die. But God does not take away life; instead, he devises ways so that a banished person may not remain estranged from him."
2 Kings 13:23 "But the Lord was gracious to them and had compassion and showed concern for them . . . ."
Romans 5:8 "But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us."
2 Cornithians 7: 6 "But God, who comforts the downcast, comforted us by the coming of Titus . . . .

It shows God's protection:

Psalm 64:7 "But God will shoot them with arrows; suddenly they will be struck down."
Psalm 14:6 "You evildoers frustrate the plans of the poor, but the Lord is their refuge."
Exodus 9:4 "But the Lord will make a distinction between the livestock of Israel and that of Egypt, so that no animal belonging to the Israelites will die."
Numbers 14:9 "Only do not rebel against the Lord and do not be afraid f the people of the land, because we will swallow them up. Their protection is gone, but the Lord is with us."

It shows that God hears us:

Pslam 66:19 "but God has surely listened and heard my voice in prayer."

It shows that God is not always what we expect:

1Kings 19:11-12 Elijah is told to go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the Lord. There is wind, fire, and earthquake. "but the Lord was not in the wind . . . . but the Lord was not in the earthquake . . . . but the Lord was not in the fire." Elijah recognizes the Lord in the gentle whisper.

"But God" -- words of hope.

No But's -- Hope Chronicles 91

2009-11-01T08:51:00.006-06:00

Do you ever have times where you are unconsciously thinking something, where you are not really aware of the conclusion you've come to until it pops out of your mouth? I had that happen about a month ago. I was meeting with my counselor, Julie. It was a tearful session. Part way through, these words slipped out, "Why does God hate me?"

Julie didn't even pause. "What does the Bible say?"

"That God loves me, that Jesus died for me." Big sigh. "But . . . ."

Julie cut me off. "No but's"

Honestly, hadn't been aware that I had come to that conclusion. Maybe it wasn't even a full conclusion yet, but a whisper from Satan. "If God loved you, you wouldn't struggle so much. If God loved you, He would protect you. If God loved you, ____________."

However, even if it wasn't a full conclusion, I was more than willing to say "But" to the truth that God loves me.

"No but's" has stuck with me. There are no rebuttals to truth. Truth simply is. When we waste our time wrestling against truth, we are distracted, exhausted, unhappy, angry, . . . . There is no rest.

What do you have to say "No but's" to today?

Impossible Is Not A Word

2009-10-31T17:24:00.005-05:00

I am an optimist when it comes to other people. While I wish it wasn't so, I tend toward negative thinking when it comes to myself. This is what I tell myself:

"Things are never going to get better."
"I am always going to struggle."
"I can't do _________"
"Why can't I do __________ right?"

Everything is impossible for me. I recently heard What Faith Can Do by Kutless. One of the lines says, "It doesn't matter what you've heard, impossible is not a word. It's just a reason for someone not to try."

Jesus proves the validity of this statement. From man's point of view it was

impossible for a virgin to conceive a child
impossible for the dead to rise
impossible for a sinful man to find a find a way back to God.

Yes, all of that is impossible without God and a number of other documented things in the Bible.

Matthew 19:26 states "With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible."

So when I look at myself and say that something is impossible, I am in some aspects correct. But it also means that my vision has gotten near sighted because it is so far from true when I turn my gaze upon God.

What seems impossible to you today? Where are you looking?

The Customer Is Always Right

2009-10-09T20:49:00.004-05:00

I deal with the public in both of my jobs. Generally, I enjoy it. I like hearing their concern or want and figuring out a way to fix the problem or make them happy. Most of the time it is a good thing. But I am learning that customers can be a bit demanding. Okay, VERY demanding. They have bought into the idea that the "customer is always right." Why shouldn't they? That's what we've all been told over the years.

Even if we face a zillion self doubts a day, when we are in consumer mode, we are more than happy to believe that we are always right. It sounds great to automatically be in the "winner's" chair.

But it isn't really that the customer (myself included) is always right. It's more that the store doesn't want to lose our business because in most places there is always some place else we can shop. And, yes, customers sometimes point that out.

While the idea may wrangle customer loyalty, "the customer is always right" idea probably hurts us more than it helps us. It spills over into relationships. It spills over into the church. In the good ole' USA, if the pastor offends us one week or the worship leader's hair is too long or they expect us to volunteer in the nursery or whatever, we can go down two blocks and over one and find another church where we can stay until . . . .

And I am coming to the conclusion that maybe the "customer is always right" idea even comes into play with God. Maybe God says, "No" or "Wait" or whatever. I cajole and remind Him that I am waiting patiently. Yes, sometimes I even remind Him that I am waiting when He says "No" because surely He will change His mind. (Taking neither in context, I focus on the story in Matthew 7 about the man knocking on his neighbors door until the neighbor gives him bread rather than the verse in Numbers 23:19 that says, "Is God a man, that he should lie? Nor a son of man that he should change his mind?")

Sometimes, especially at my day job, there really is nothing I can do. Customers do not like this. Often their volume starts creeping up. Sadly, sometimes my volume sometimes creeps up with God. Maybe shouting might get His attention. But then there is the fact that I have never lost His attention. So, maybe a pique of anger and stamping feet might work.

Sometimes, I have to accept that the customer or God's beloved child is not always right. While God can do anything, it may not always be best for me. Fits of anger take me two steps away from God, while saying "I still want it, but I want You more" puts me right on the lap of a Father who loves me.

But it is hard to do. Father, help me trust you to know what is best for me.

The Elephant That Followed Me Home

2009-10-08T21:19:00.004-05:00

Some people have cats and dogs follow them home. While I have cats and a dog, I picked each of them out and invited them home. They were not strays that followed me home.

Recently, I've come to the conclusion that a stray has followed me home. That might not be completely right. She's followed me not just home but from home to home. She's even followed me across state lines, to camp when I was in college, into graduate school, and on and on.

My stray is an elephant. After all these years, I should probably have a name for her. But I don't. Perhaps I should keep it that way. Like the proverbial elephant in the room, no matter how big she has gotten, I've tried to ignore her, pretend that she wasn't there. Largely, I haven't wanted to admit that she was there.

At least on one hand I have. On the other hand, I think I may have snuck her extra peanuts when the keeper wasn't looking. I've gone back and forth. The problem with that is that it has resulted in intermittent reinforcement. It's when an animal or even a person gets use to being rewarded for a certain behavior. Then, the behavior is asked for but no reward is forthcoming. It happens that way several times. Then, BOOM! The coveted reward is given. Psychologically, intermittent reinforcement is actually stronger than continuous reinforcement. The behavior can be elicited on the hope that a reward is forthcoming.

Many years ago, I heard a story about elephants. Evidently, when circus elephants are very young, a chain is put on their leg. They learn that they cannot break it. As they grow, the chain actually remains the same. As an adult, they could easily break it. But there is the catch. Because they have been conditioned from such a young age, they never realize that they are capable of breaking that chain. They unwittingly stay captive.

That elephant followed me home as early as grade school. I was a shy and socially awkward child. I was aware enough that I didn't have a clue as to how to relate to my peers that at the bus stop, on the bus, and every spare moment in class my nose was buried in a book. That continued into junior high and high school. But it grew.

In grade school, everyone went to lunch as a group. While I might have sat at the end of a table alone, you had to sit and eat. Tables were dismissed from the lunch room to that terrifying playground where I made occasional forays into hop scotch and four square or tag but more often than not, I found a spot to sit and read. In junior high and high school, the social pressure grew. Despite my mother's effort to provide a lunch (and she even asked what kind of sandwich we each wanted), I tossed that brown paper bag lunch rather than face the hostile lunch room territory. I retreated into an ever present book.

The elephant was that I was hopelessly inept at all things social, that no one would ever like me, that I was a loser.

Today, I can go into a restaurant and sit and eat alone. Though, I am typically armed with a book. I don't prefer it, but if I cannot find someone to go with me, I will even brave movies alone. (Too dark for a book there.) Put me in a purely social situation, even something as seemingly benign as church, and I may panic. Sometimes I hide it better than others. Sometimes I don't.

So, this elephant comes into play in two ways. She's followed me home, dogged me through life. (Sorry to mix metaphors or animals words on you, but it fits.) I've kept her fed with things like:

What a stupid thing to say.
You will never get this.
I cannot believe you messed up again.
Run, it simply isn't safe!

But maybe even more than that, I've believed that those chains are still there. Sometimes I try to look at truth, the things that God says about me. I am dearly loved child. But I think sometimes I put the emphasis on child rather than dearly loved. And child can offer up a connotation of helpless.

I'm not sure how, but the elephant needs to go. She needs to find a new home. Better yet, send her back from where she came. While she is comforting in her predictability, we would all be better off with her back there.

Not sure how you send an elephant packing, but maybe admitting the elephant is there, is the first step.

Forgiveness

2009-10-06T11:14:00.002-05:00

I totally understand the concept of forgiveness. I really do. However, I still find it a struggle. Do you?

Recently there was (what in my opinion) was a major mix up. I do understand that it really was a misunderstanding. But, it still hurt my feelings in a major way. I've forgiven, but I find that it still hurts. I've prayed about it and it still hurts. It still makes me want to cry.

Maybe it is like a physical wound. It may have been accidental, but it may still physically hurt. I'm not angry. Just hurt. I'm not quite sure what to do with that hurt. But maybe like a physically injury it will go away with time.

Any thoughts?

Contentment -- Priceless

2009-10-05T07:00:00.002-05:00

I know you've seen them -- those commercials for Visa.

New shoes -- $20
New dress -- $75
New hairstyle with highlights -- $100
Memories to last a lifetime -- Priceless.

Visa has our number. If $200 can promise something that is priceless, and will last a lifetime, of course we are going to buy.

I'm posting today at the Internet Cafe. Click here to finish reading this post.

I Would Have Made a Good Pharisee -- Hope Chronicles 90

2009-09-28T21:49:00.001-05:00

For some reason, my favorite Bible characters have been on my mind of late. They include Josiah and Peter and Esther to name just a few. I've found my self perusing those and other stories. But as I've been doing that, I've felt the this question tingle at the edges of my mind. I've kind of wanted to keep it at the edges, but as sometimes happens, God wanted me to look at it. What is the question?

Great characters of faith, but which person in the Bible are you most like?

Sigh. I'm not as brave like Esther. I don't know that my heart is as sensitive to God's word as Josiah's. Peter jumped into the water and swam to shore even after he failed Jesus. I would have cowered in the boat.

Yes, but who are you most like?

It took awhile and came with humbling conviction. The Pharisees. Sigh. I don't want to be like them.

In Jesus day there were several prominent groups. One was the Sadducees. (I differentiated them from the other groups by their name and belief. They didn't believe in heaven so that made them "Sad you see." I came up with that in high school, so cut me some slack.) Then there were the Pharisees. (They wanted everything "Fair you see.") They were the rule keepers.

Honestly, I think that initially the Pharisees started out okay. They didn't want to break any of God's commandments. They were very careful about it. They decided to define all the possible ways of breaking a commandment. They then added to the law. In essence, they put up a zillion fences, things to do and not do, so that you wouldn't come close to breaking the law.

Problem: In the frenzy of building those fences, they lost sight of God and his people.

I like rules more than I want to admit. I'd rather be carefree and easy going. I like rules. They make me feel safe. They help me know what to expect and not expect. They give me boundaries at times when life feels out of control.

But just like the Pharisees, I lose sight of God. Yes, I may have my quiet time. I may be able to check any number of spiritual things off the list. But if my quiet time was just about the list, did I really meet with God?

Just like the Pharisees, I lose sight of God's people. Sometimes in relationships I am more concerned about being right or more concerned about what is fair than I am about the person. Take, for instance, my job at BN. I do enjoy it. I work hard. However, my dandruff gets up if I think I'm doing more work than so and so. I want it all to be fair. Sometimes I get so focused on a task, I lose sight of the people around me.

But there is hope. Saul was a Pharisee. He even held the others' cloaks as they stoned Stephen, a leader in the early church. He sincerely believed it was the right thing. He was very good at following rules. He expected everyone else to follow them too. Until one day, he was walking a long and Jesus appeared to him. He was blinded for several days. Then Jesus sent someone to heal Saul's eyes. From then on, Saul became Paul and became a leader in the early church. Talk about a 180!

Was Paul still a rule guy? I think that he probably was. However, he was also someone who had completely experienced grace. This allowed him to give grace to others even when they didn't follow the rules.

Yes, I would have made a good Pharisee. But as God shows us through Paul, God is more than capable to knock down some fences to bring hope to a heart.

15lbs and Counting!

2009-09-27T20:41:00.007-05:00

I posted this exciting news on my Facebook page on Friday: I've lost 15lbs in 7 weeks. I had several people ask me how -- what am I eating or not eating or doing or not doing. There haven't been any miracle foods. It's really been a combination of things.

About 8 weeks ago, I started taking a lunch time class that meets once a week. It is called "Healthy Weight, Healthy You." My job is sponsoring it. It is put on by OSF St. Joe's Center for a Healthy Lifestyle. Erin Kennedy, exercise specialist, and Kim McClintic, dietitian swap weeks. They are both very positive and very up beat and totally encouraging. One thing I like is that there are no forbidden foods and nothing you have to completely give up. Granted, there are healthier choices but they also don't advocating feeling deprived. Also, even though the title says "Healthy Weight" I feel like it more about health than weight. Though, everyone in the class wants to lose some.

Each week they advocate making small choice that lead up to big changes. Here is some of what I've learned:

Set a reasonable short term goal. They suggested 10%
Look at how clothes fit and how you feel and not just about the number.
Watch portions. Americans are so use to SUPER SIZE that our portions are out of control.
Realistically, our stomach holds about 2 cups without stretching. When eating a meal, try for 2 cups of food.
Don't worry, because in a couple hours you get a snack! A snack is about 1 cup of food.
Granted, you should choose wisely. a cup of MM's is very different than a cup of grapes.
However, you cannot completely blow it in one meal or one day! A pound is 3500 calories. Even if you had a piece of cake (which I have had over the last 7 weeks), that does not equal 3500 calories. Isn't that good news!
Try to get in 3 different types of food at meals and a couple different foods at snacks. Why? Because your body breaks down different types of food at different rates. It does carbohydrates first, protein second, and fat last.
Exercise: 30 minutes most days for cardio. I've been walking Hadley about 45 minutes.
Tidbit: the first 3 minutes of cardio you are burning protein. Minutes 3-20 you are burning carbohydrates. Everything after 20 you are burning fat.
For best results figure your target heart rate. That is 220-age. Take 60% for the low end and 80% for the high end. You will burn the most calories in that range.
Change up your exercise routine every 3 weeks or so to avoid a plateau.
Do some strength training. A pound is a pound. However a pound of muscle burns a lot more calories than a pound of fat even when you are just sitting.
Lift things around the house -- can of green beans, a gallon of milk, or your 4 year old. Do lots of reps with a little weight. Try 4 sets of 15. Rest a minute in between.
Wait 48 hours in between working the same muscle group. One day you could upper body and arms. The next you could do legs and such.
Here's the exception. You can do abs everyday. Aren't you so excited to read that?
Try new foods. Kim has given us a new recipe each week. I've liked all of them .
Read food labels. We've learned how to evaluate the health claims. If you want, another night I will post that. . . . .
Keep a food log/activity log. It just makes you aware of what you are eating. You don't have to share it. We often overestimate the amount we exercise and underestimate the amount we eat or drink!
Of course there is more like info on eating out, but too much to put here tonight....

Most importantly: only weigh once a week and as Erin and Kim say, "DON'T LET WHAT HAPPENS BELOW THE NECK WRECK HAVOC ABOVE THE NECK!"

So, I had to take Hadley to the vet yesterday for a booster shot. Go figure, with all of our walking, she's lost 2lbs! The only catch is that she didn't need to lose any!

Thanks Erin and Kim! Wed is our last class and I am bummed! They are such a hoot!

Twisting the Golden Rule

2009-09-20T19:26:00.004-05:00

Recently, I've been convicted over the golden rule. Interestingly, even people who aren't Christians at least know the gist of it. It can be found in Luke 6:31 -- "Do to others as you would have them do to you." (NIV) It's actually part of a list of uncommon ways we are suppose to treat others -- friends or enemies.

Love your enemies
Do good to those who hate you
Bless when you are cursed
Pray for those who hurt you
Turn the other cheek
If someone takes your cloak, give them your tunic too
And do to others as you have them do to you

It's a strikingly uncommon way of relating to people in a world that focuses on revenge and blame and all of those kinds of things.

While I don't do it perfectly, in general, I would say I'm pretty good at following the golden rule. (Not perfect, of course.) I loan things freely. I try to say kind things. I'm more than willing to go out of my way for people. Yet, as I said above, I've been convicted about it.

When I was in college, I had never been in a discipleship relationship. Going into my junior year, I found myself in leadership of a Christian group on campus and there were people who needed some shepherding. Honestly, my approach was to provide what I wished someone had done for me. Amazingly, it worked. I found I learned as much as they did.

There have been other things as well where my mode of operation is based on "what I wish had happened for me." It can be taking an interest in the kids I know, going to sporting events even if I do not understand the rules. It can be following through with promises. It can be any number of things.

It has worked well, but here is the twist. Lately, I've noticed bitterness creep in. Though I still may do those things, I find that I can think, "I did this or that for so and so, why won't anyone do it for me?" The twist is that I somehow deserve something in return. Sadly, that means what I have given or done, has not been a gift. It comes with an expectation.

Yes, it would be nice on various things, but that is not the heart behind the golden rule or any of those other things listed above. The heart is considering others before me because that is what Christ did. The heart is giving up our rights because that is what Jesus did.

So, I need to ask God to change my heart to match my actions. Then, the gifts of time or interest or whatever will be freely given with no strings attached.

What about you? Do you ever attach strings to things?

Company!

2009-09-20T07:25:00.005-05:00

I've had such a good weekend. Some friends who use to live here came for a visit. It was Elena's birthday. She just turned 9, but she thought visiting me for her birthday sounded great. So, she and her sister Grace and their parents came for a visit. We went out for lunch and then came home and played games and went to the park. And, of course, a birthday calls for cake and ice cream. And we played a lot with Hadley. Hadley loved all the extra attention!

Elena

Grace

Time for cake!

A Moment's Glory and Isn't There More?

2009-09-15T22:22:00.004-05:00

I saw a shooting star tonight. It so seriously impressed me that I'm writing about it right now. It shot through the dark in a blaze of glory that made me go "Oh!" and then thank God that no one was driving right behind me 'cause I almost completely stopped. I looked for more but I only saw the one.

For perspective, I this is the first shooting star this gal has seen. So, it did take my breath away. It made me stop in my tracks. It made me pause and look at God's handiwork. And then it made me ask, "Isn't there more?"

As stunning as it was, it did leave me thinking that there had to be more to it. Yes, it is all kinds of gases and light from a zillion light years away finally reaching my eye. But, for all the glory in that moment, it made me want something more substantial.

I am not immune to wanting moments of glory. I want to be noticed and appreciated and all that. I want to stand out in a positive way. But do I want just the moment's glory or do I want something more substantial?

What weighs more -- one moment of glory and splendor or a lifetime of ordinary moments that point to Him? Yes, that star pointed to Him, but it left me with the nagging question, "Isn't there more?"

If I could point to Him in just one moment -- a blazing glorious moment -- or I could point to Him for 80 years in a multitude of moments which would I choose? Both can reflect God, but the later has roots that answer the question in a more meaningful a way that "Yes, there is more. Let me tell you about Him."

Remind me of the value of a lifetime of moments, Lord, when my focus shifts and I desire a moment's glory. You are steady. Help me point steadily to you.

Birthday Promise

2009-09-12T14:59:00.004-05:00

This summer I started getting to know a little neighbor boy, Alex. I enjoyed going on walks with him, his baby sister, and his mom. More than once, the subject of birthdays came up. He wanted to know if my puppy, Hadly had a birthday. I assured him that she did and said we would do something to celebrate.

Hadley's birthday is officially on Thursday. However, Alex won't be around then, so we opted to celebrate today. I took him on a trip to Petco to buy Hadley a toy. (She got two. An orange ball and a squeaky bone as well as a bag of treats that Alex picked.) Then I treated Alex to ice cream.

When we got back he enjoyed giving Hadley her treats and her toys. He even sang her "Happy Birthday."

It may all sound a bit silly to some of you. Hadley isn't really aware of her birthday. But I had promised Alex we would do something. Hadley was the reason, but more than anything, I wanted to keep my promise to Alex.

How do you do keeping promises -- especially to children? I think it is important. It teaches them to trust what you say. It makes you a safe, trustworthy person -- to adults or children. I try to be someone who does what they say -- even if "I promise" isn't spoken.

I think Alex and Hadley both had a good time. Alex and Hadley both enjoy each other and I enjoy both of them.

How To Make A Parent's Day

2009-09-08T19:32:00.003-05:00

Hadley and I just got back from a nice long walk. As we were coming up the alley, a little curly headed girl of about 3 came running out of her garage. "A puppy!" she squealed.

Hadley can be a bit jumpy still, but I held her in a sit and invited the little girl to pet her. Then I asked her if she could follow directions.

She nodded.

I asked her if she wanted to give Hadley a treat. More squeals of delight. First, I told her she had to know how to do it. I showed her how to hold her hand flat with the treat on it so Hadley could just take it off. (Dogs can sometimes accidentally nip if you just use your fingers instead of your palm.)

She held out her hand and Hadley took the treat. Again, squeals of delight. "She likes me!"

I agreed that she did. Then I said, "You did such a great job following directions! That was super!"

She beamed. But I'm not sure whose smile was brighter -- hers or her father's.

Recognizing something a child does well to a parent seems to encourage them as much as the child. It sends the message to the parent, that in the tough world of parenting, they might be doing something right.

So, at Barnes and Noble when kids are behaving well, I tell them what a nice job they are doing and even give them a sticker.

When I'm in the grocery store, I might say something about what a good helper the little boy is doing.

When I see a child help another, I let the mom know.

I don't have kids, but I recognize that parenting has got to be stuff. A little praise might encourage a weary mom or dad that they are getting something right.

What Taste Do You Leave Behind?

2009-09-05T00:04:00.000-05:00

I have never been a fan of cherry -- even cherry lifesavers. Honestly, I think it comes down to the fact that so many childhood medicines were suppose to be flavored like wild cherry lifesavers. I never met one that truly lived up to this claim. Instead, after a hint of cherry it seemed that they all left some nasty, burning taste behind. Maybe it is just that from that point on, I just haven't trusted cherry.

I'm posting today at the Internet Cafe. Click here to finish reading this post.

The One Who Waits

2009-09-03T20:30:00.002-05:00

It was one of the hardest aspects of the job. It had to be done, so I did it but I hated it. Every Wed. morning I would get to the office early, go in and grab a car seat, and head out to pick up a little 2 1/2 year old. He was always excited to see me. I would pick him up and transport him back to the office for a visit with his mom.

You see, I spent several years working in foster care. It's a high stress job with little pay. But most people do it because they believe that some of the most vulnerable in our society need protecting.

Supervising parent-child visits came with the territory. Hence, the early morning trek to pick up this little guy. On good days, we would arrive back at the office and I would watch him and his mom interact for two hours (awkward but necessary) and provide helpful direction (typically ill received) when needed.

But the bad days came more often than the good days. We would arrive back at the office and settle in the waiting room to wait for mom. More often than not, she didn't show. After 30 -40 minutes, I would help him back into his coat and return him -- sobbing -- back to the sitter. It always broke my heart. How could she not come? She only got 2 hours a week with her son.

The foster parents actually had to reroute to avoid driving by the office. As sure as he would see the building his hope of seeing his mom would rise and then plummet when they didn't stop. He would begin to wail.

I confronted the mom (and the many others like her) on missing the visits. She was flippant. He was little. What did he know? And then came the excuses: missed the bus, got up late, forgot, just couldn't make it and couldn't bother to call. With permission, I finally instituted a policy for her and other parents that routinely missed visits. If the visit was at 8:45 AM, she had to be there before I left to pick him up. It meant she spent half an hour waiting, but it spared that little boy the sheer disappointment he felt when she didn't appear.

I've been thinking a lot about those foster care days. When ever I have a recurring thought, I think it is God's way of reminding me of something. In this case, I am reminded of how eagerly God awaits our time with Him. He doesn't miss. There aren't any no shows on His end.

And when I miss, I think He has all the disappointment (maybe even more) of that little guy.

And I am convicted that though I know the importance of regular time with my heavenly Father, I take it too lightly. There is an errand to run or someone to call. I wake up late and have to rush to get out the door. I always promise -- tonight I'll make time. But then the evening comes . . . . It's so easy to over look it in the business of life.

Here is to a renewed commitment of daily time with Him. He's always waiting for me and you.

Recycled from March 2008 -- But I needed the reminder!

Are You Listening?

2009-09-01T19:51:00.004-05:00

Today at the office, a very distraught woman came in. This is somewhat unusual in my office. Land records aren't typically all that distressing. Someone else was helping her, but I could tell that it was escalating. I went over to see if I could diffuse whatever was brewing. She explained that she needed to get her home in her name only. Her husband had passed away quite awhile ago. (Yes, this can be distressing. I'm not referring to that piece.) She had a letter telling her that her husband's estate needed to be probated or she needed a Quit Claim Deed from each of his children. She was insistent that it all had to happen right away and kept repeating that she only had several days.

"Mam, I'm not sure where you are getting that you only have several days or you will lose your house."

"Right here." She pointed out a sentence.

I read it. "I think there has been some confusion. The letter says getting the deed in you name can happen several ways, not several days."

I tried to walk through the other points in the letter with her. But she was having none of it. She continued to insist that she only had several days or she would lose her house. In a rage, she cussed my colleague and I and left.

The whole thing saddened me because by not listening carefully she is causing herself a heap of heart ache and fear. Who wouldn't be fearful if they felt they might lose their home in days?

It got me to thinking. Are there times when I don't listen carefully? Are there times when I am so wound up that I confuse ways and days?

I know that I have and probably still do. However, it reminded me of something I've tried in conflict situations. When I know going into a situation that I might get side tracked or not see something clearly I write the points I want to make out on note cards. Then, every few cards I insert another note card with various bits of wisdom on it:

Listen before speaking
Think before you speak
Ask questions
You do not have to be RIGHT

It's actually helped me a lot. But maybe I need to make a mental note of some of those same things for everyday situations when I let the emotions of the moment runaway with me. The biggest one should always be. ARE YOU LISTENING?

It Was A Monday

2009-08-24T20:13:00.003-05:00

Today was Monday. I suppose most of you already knew that. Let me say it a different way. It was MONDAY! In other words, it was a Monday that doesn't bode well for the rest of the week.

There's this situation at work. It actually stated a couple months ago. While it wasn't anyone in my office's fault, it has meant clean up for us. Sigh. We've worked on it, but it has meant coordinating several different groups of people. Going into today, we thought we had all our ducks in a row. Apparently, one moved without us knowing it. After getting there at 7:00 so a coworker and I could deal with things prior to the rest of the troops arriving, we discovered the AWOL duck. Sigh. Actually, we discovered it in the midst of the process with things half done. As of 4:30, it was, while in better shape than at 7:00, still hanging. Mercy. It was enough of a Monday to count for the week and then some. Please beam me to Friday at about 4:30!

Aside from that, life has been going full speed. I don't feel like there is enough time to do everything that needs doing. I've felt more than a bit frazzled. Perhaps that is why my poor blog seems abandoned. Perhaps, I'll get to share my thoughts more this week. We can hope! I need to process and you all help me do that!

Meeting the Neighbors

2009-08-15T11:17:00.008-05:00

Last year my church, Crosswinds Community, bought a church building in the middle of a neighborhood on the south/west side of town. A church has been there for the last 90+ years. But it was no longer feasible for them to continue to meet and keep up the building. My church was thrilled to go into this neighborhood.

Last summer was a time of renovations and making the building reflect Crosswinds. But there was an eye on trying to reach out to the community. Indeed, several homeless men have come on a regular basis and been welcome. Last week one of them needed antibiotics. Those were taken care of for him.

All year there has been an eye out for ways to meet the neighbors. This week we had our VBS -- Kamp KidStuf. It is an offshoot of the children's ministry each Sunday during the school year. It involves drama, singing, dancing, and every crazy thing you can imagine. We hoped the neighbors would come and had gone door to door inviting.

As a culmination, we had a neighborhood block party last night. We were pleased that people who hadn't come to VBS showed up. Who can resist the bouncy inflatibles or the huge slide or free food? Some of the neighbors watched from safety across the street. One of the church members walked across and doled out ice cream sandwhiches because sometimes you have to go to the world rather than expecting the neighborhood/world to come to you.

Everyone seemed to have a grand time. Some neighbors I've been getting to know came. They are Christians and attend church, but I thought it would be fun -- especially for their 3 year old. Apparently, he sang/shouted a song we had sung "We are the children of God!" all the way home.

Sometimes You Want to Go Where Everybody Knows Your Name -- Hope Chronicles 89

2009-08-13T20:57:00.006-05:00

This week I've helped out some with my church's VBS -- entitled Kamp KidStuf. It's an offshoot of something we do every week during the school year. My role has been to take pictures. A couple nights ago, during a lull, I wandered outside. A father was saying that his 4-year-old (not from our church) wasn't sure he wanted to come. His explanation: "No one will say 'Jack'!"

Happily, he was wrong. The observant teacher read his nametag right away and called him by name. His fear of joining in was that no one would know him.

Honestly, that is one of my biggest fears too. It is the thing that makes me most timid.

The conversation reminded me of a show that aired when I was in highschool -- Cheers. It was set in a Boston bar called Cheers. The theme song went like this (be glad you cannot hear me sing):

Sometimes you want to go where everybody knows your name
And they're always glad you came
You want to go where people know
People are all the same
Sometimes you want to go where everybody knows your name

Isn't that the truth? There is something so refreshing, so meaningful about being called by your name. It reminds me of last year when I went to She Speaks 2008. No sooner than I had stepped out of the car then Lysa Terkeurst yelled at me from behind, "Amy!"

Later that night I was working on my talk in the hotel lobby. Lisa Whittle scared me from behind. We had never met, but she recognized me from my blog and greeted me warmly.

The next day I was at dinner with people I had never met. Most of us blogged and we were sharing our site names. I said, "My blog is God's Work In Progress. . . ." Sharon, across the table, let out a shriek. "You're Amy L Brooke. You're AMY L BROOKE!" For a moment, I thought she was mocking me for some reason I couldn't fathom. It turns out that she had read my little corner of blogdom and was that excited to meet me.

Do those things happen every day? No. They don't even happen on a semi annual basis. But God blessed me that weekend by giving me that sense of "everybody knowing my name." More importantly, it was great reminder of the fact that God knows my name.

God knows my name. The God of the universe who fashioned billions of people knows me intimately. He calls me his child. He never fumbles around as we sometimes do, "Andrea, Amanda, who ever you are!" I am never out of his mind, never out of his sight, never out of the reach of His hand. That is a wondrous hope when I start to feel like one of many or even like no one in particular. God knows my name.

Remembering those events from She Speaks 2008, makes me want to be even more adapt at remembering the names of those around me and if I don't know them, sincerely greeting them like Sharon greeted me -- excited for the opportunity. Imagine the hope that might pass on.