Sometimes -- okay, often times -- I struggle with crowds. I do okay if I have a specific task, but just hanging in big groups is so hard for me as it often makes me feel very alone. This even spills over into church at times. I watch people interact and connect and I wonder why I cannot seem to make those connections.
I've noticed lately that this has spilled over in my relationship with God. I've found myself feeling like I am just one in the crowd with God. Intellectually, I know that isn't true. However, sometimes it is so hard to past the feelings.
Alone. Lonely. I hate those words, but I've felt them so acutely the last several months. I've found myself pondering the first few chapters of Genesis. Everything is "good." When God creates Adam, it is "very good." However it then shifts because no suitable helper for Adam is found. God says, "It is not good for man to be alone." It is the only not good. So God creates Eve.
My plea with God has been that it is not good for me to be alone either. I don't mean just in terms of a mate but even in terms of friends and family. Being single, I get up alone, go to bed alone, eat 99% of my meals alone, and rarely have anyone ask, "How was your day?"
I feel unseen, unheard, unloved.
But God. (See this post for more on But God.) God doesn't always respond in our timing or the way we want. The Israelites were in slavery for hundreds of years. But God saw them. He heard the cry of His people. There are 400 years of relative silence between the Old and New Testament time periods. But God never forgot His people. He may have been waiting for just the right moment, but He saw them and heard them and loved them.
Recently I heard about a gathering to learn about orphans around the world put on by Life Song for Orphans. I also heard that one of my favorite people was going to be speaking. Lysa is from North Carolina. I emailed and said that I knew that she and Holly (another of my favorite people) probably had plans and such, but considering that they would only be 45 minutes away, if I could get off of work, I would drive up to hear Lysa speak. I got an email back saying they would love to see me and talked about dinner.
Going up, I tried to keep my expectations in check. Lysa would be busy with people wanting to talk to her after she shared her adoption story. Holly would be busy with Lysa's book table. I packed a book in my bag so I could sit and read.
But I didn't crack my book once! Holly greeted me enthusiastically and invited me to help at the table. Lysa was talking to someone, but as soon as she was done, she came over to greet me and hug me too. I sat with them during the program. I got to spend a bit of time with them at dinner.
The coordinator and two of the volunteers of the event also went to dinner. Lysa introduced me as her friend and briefly told how we had connected. She said, "I just love her to pieces."
I don't see Lysa and Holly much. We don't even connect through email even once every few months. I read Lysa's blog and such, so I keep up with her some. It just meant a lot to be named their friend and have the opportunity to connect.
I feel like God said, "I know you don't feel it at times, but I see you, I hear you, I love you. Now, here are two people to tangibly show you even if it is just a few hours." Never underestimate how much hope a kind word, a hug, or a few hours of fellowship can bring to a soul.
