Gentling

It has been a long time between posts. After posting something like 280 or 290 times in 2008, January saw a total of 4 posts. Four posts from the gal who posted on average 5 times a week. So, what has been going on?

I could easily blame most of it on the business of retail at the holidays. But, really, it has been more than that. God and I have been in a deep process and walk together. It's left me contemplative but not in a way that I could easily put into words.

Recently, I was talking to a manager at B&N. She asked, "Do you ever raise your voice? You are so quiet." I had to think for a moment. I sensed the deeper question about raising my voice was really about getting angry. Do I get angry? Yes. My response was, "I may not yell, but I do get intense."

Several years ago I took riding lessons. If I could afford them now, I would do it all again. Most of the horses that I was around were ones who were already trained. On occasion I saw someone working with a really young horse. They were trying to "break" him in so that he could be ridden. But the goal was to break the will but not the spirit of the horse.

Interestingly, the other term used for breaking a horse is gentling. I like this term much better. I sense that God has been using the last couple of months to gentle me.

Underneath all that quiet is a stubborn streak from here to the moon. I can be very pliable, but when someone hits the right thing at the wrong time or in the wrong way, I dig a trench and barricade myself in. I get intense but not necessarily loud.

Recently, an opportunity to volunteer as the administrative assistant with my friend and pastor presented itself. I was thrilled. He was thrilled. It lasted 2 weeks. We are run by a leadership team. The team posed some pretty hard questions about if it was a good fit for me and a pattern of damaged relationships with various people.

I was hurt and humiliated. I really wanted to lash out -- "What about __________" and how come there is a double standard. I wanted to know everything that had been said about me and I wanted answers about a number of things. I was doggedly determined to find out.

I talked to someone on the council on Sunday wanting copies of emails about me he mentioned. He said that he would talk to everyone and see. I suggested that I had a RIGHT to know.

I'm not sure how He did it, but God pressed it on my heart that I did not need to know and perhaps submission was the best route. I emailed my pastor withdrawing the request for information. He emailed me back thanking me for coming to that place.

In the mean time I have been floundering a bit. A number of things have fallen through in terms of serving. I feel like I have nothing to give or offer. And I have been tempted to want to leave and start over elsewhere. But I am convinced that God does not want me to do that. I don't really want to do that, but it is really hard.

So, I am sitting and listening and praying. And I am asking God to show me the messes God wants me to clean up.

I've met with three people so far and emailed a couple others.

Interestingly, the first person sent me an email on my birthday about some resentments she had toward me. It wasn't really an email I wanted on my birthday. Only by God's grace was I able to see it as an invitation to do the next 40 years differently. We met and talked things out.

The most recent one was a woman that I just didn't like. I am ashamed to say that I got her as a secret sister a couple years ago. I called and asked if there was anyway to switch it. There wasn't. In one of my most immature moments, I hastily decided to pull out of the program. I walked up to her recently and simply said, "I don't know how things got so bad between us (no specific instances) but would she accept my apology. I wanted, if possible to start new with her. She graciously agreed.

I keep telling God I want a clean slate. The easiest way would be to leave. But God keeps telling me that the slate I have is fine and slowly we will clean it.

And all the time He is gentling me like those who work with wild horses. He's letting me keep my spirit but curving my will towards His.

What a gracious God we have.