Where I'm At

Some of you have noted my absence. (Thanks for noticing.) I have not dropped off the edge of the earth even though it may seem like it. A couple things have been going on:

• We are still playing with a medication change for my depression. This alternately translates into lots of anxiety or no energy at all.
• Second, I have been busy, busy, busy. This weekend all I did was work and sleep. My B&N scheduled went from averaging 9 hours to one week averaging 21! Yeah for the pay check. Boo for my energy level.
  
• As a result of the above, I barely feel as if I have a coherent thought in my head. Seriously, last night was my 4th close in a row. I worked Wed. night, off Thursday, Friday night, Saturday night, and a whopping 3-10:30 on Sunday and then closed Monday. I very literally tried to convince a customer last night that it was Thursday. I chalk it up to not having a weekend!

So, I need to get back into blogging. Hopefully, that can happen over the next few days. Until then, please pray about the meds and about my energy level.

On Finding Flowers

It's just begun to get warm in central Illinois -- just jacket kind of weather. The grass is still mostly that dead brownish-yellow of winter. So, a few days ago I was surprised to notice what looked like a couple purple flowers in the middle of my yard. I didn't have time to go investigate, but I've noticed them the last few days as I've whizzed this way and that.



It's also been a rocky week emotionally. Mostly, it is because I took a risk earlier in the week in a family relationship. I had actually gone back and forth for over a month about if asking this particular thing of this person was "wise" or not. On one hand, I knew it would sting emotionally if it didn't turn out the way I hoped. On the other hand, I thought that if I didn't try, didn't ask, I would always wonder. In reality, I would be shutting the door as surely as the "No" I feared.



With a prayer, I sent my request via email. I tried to think through all the things that might be a hindrance and addressed them upfront. That was Monday. I waited all day and then on Tuesday and Wednesday. Finally, I got the response Thursday late afternoon. It was what I had feared -- a "No."



Part of me says, "At least I tried." The other part of me says, "But it hurts!" I've batted it all back and forth all weekend. And as I drove home from church, I found it creeping in again.



As I came out of the garage, my attention turned back to those flowers. I went over to have a peek. They were indeed purple flowers, but to my dismay, they were plastic. Fakes. Finding flowers when you least expect it seems fun. Finding fake flowers, well it's just a bit of a bummer!



This afternoon I had a shift at the bookstore. A woman walked up. She was wearing glasses. The skin above her glasses and eyes was all red. I was about to comment, "It looks like you got a bit of sun on your face." Luckily, God stilled my tongue. And she began, "I know you probably don't take returns, . . ." I tried to say that we did, but she pressed on. "But there are extenuating circumstances." I pulled a book on multiple pregnancies from the crumpled sack. "I miscarried yesterday," she said. The redness was not from sun but tears.



My manager was standing right there at the time. We both assured her we would take it back. But she wanted to look at something else perhaps about miscarriage but she hesitated too. My manager took her to the right section and helped her find a book, . . . .



It just puts it all in perspective. Does the response I got still hurt? Yes. But I cannot imagine losing a child or perhaps more than one at once.



And as for the flowers I took as an affront upon finding they were fake . . . . Well, no one put those there to fool me. In fact, the idea of there being purple flowers there was kind of fun and an encouraging sign of spring -- of things yet to come. They added a dash of color to a dreary landscape. Even if they were not real, I can be thankful for that and the reminder that spring and summer and real purple flowers are coming.

A Goal and a Prayer

Just a very quick post. I'm off shortly to the book store. They called the other night and asked if I would come in for a couple hours tonight. They are having a special event for the Autism Society. They said I would either be at cash-wrap or in kids. I called back after we got off the phone and talked to one of the managers. I told her either would be fine but that kids might be a good fit given my counseling background. I'm not sure they realized I had that. Not that I would do counseling tonight or anything. But, I told her I may be less likely than most to be put off by unusual behavior.

Autism spectrum disorders are being diagnosed more and more. There are a range of them -- severe and some just kind of quirky. But I know the value in each child feeling valued even if they cannot seem to make eye contact with you or on the other hand grab you out of the blue or if their conversation seems to go round and round or they get mesmerized/stuck on the way the light falls in the room.

I volunteered for 5 years with a behaviorally disordered child. I'm trying to think if his diagnosis fell onto the autism spectrum. I'd have to look. But he would drum and twirl and get "caught" by various things. I was forever redirecting and coaching and encouraging. It wasn't pure autism, but he definitely had some traits.

My goodness, he's probably 17 by now. When I think of him, I always think of the first time I met him. He was stick thin in a dirty white t-shirt and red gym shorts. His blond hair hung just a bit in his eyes. I would ask him a question and he would look at the woman working with him for the answer. But as our comfort grew, that woman stepped out. Soon we were going on outings in the community. I was teaching him how to talk to other adults like at the Steak and Shake in town. We would sit at the counter. He would ask me about the things he saw. I didn't know the answers, but I taught him how to ask the employees. We were such regulars, they started giving us a personal frequent buyer deal on Hot Fudge Brownie Ala mode. I later learned that every Friday (the day I usually came) his teacher at school would hear an hourly announcement that it was "Amy day."

So, I don't know that I will be in kids tonight. It seems like that would be where I would have the most interaction. But I've had some interesting conversations with children at cash-wrap as well.

My goal and prayer is that tonight I make at least one child feel valued and set one parent's heart more at ease in some way. I have no idea what that might look like but that is what I find myself praying at the moment. I thought I would invite you all to join me.

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Update

I was a little disappointed to find that they actually put me at cash wrap, but decided that I had told them and God to put me where needed. It was relatively slow. There was another woman at cash wrap as well. I had shared with her previously about volunteering for 5 years with one child. She has been volunteering for a year with a child. She shared with me that she is thinking about stepping out of that even though it is only an hour a week. I got to talk some more about my time with my kid and all the changes I saw. She said, "Yeah, every time I think about quitting I think about how you stuck with it for 5 years!" I had no clue that it had made an impression on her. I had only shared it with her because she was doing something similar. But it was encouraging and I think she might have new resolve to continue.

8:55 rolled around and the Autism Society event was wrapped up and I was just about to log out. A family walked up and the other woman was ringing. The little boy was 7 or 8 and he started talking to me. First it was, "Why is it dark?" And then he looped into Star Wars and Darth Vader and he got stuck in the loop of whatever it was he was trying to express. I could tell his dad was eyeing me for my reaction. But I was delighted to talk to him -- which probably encouraged him to keep going. His dad started to apologize after the seventh cycle. I told him there was no need and it was my pleasure. And it truly was.

I think my time with the other woman and this little guy were both answers to my prayer. One didn't look the way I thought it might, but then just at the end, God gave me a little taste of what I had hoped for.

Odds and Ends

It's late -- 12:12 AM to be exact. I'm tired but my mind is going. I actually just got off of work at the bookstore about 40 minutes ago. I've been on my feet for 5 1/2 hours. So, this post may be a bit off from my usual posts. It's an attempt to declutter my brain so I can sleep.

Working at the bookstore has been interesting. Actually, working at the county has been interesting too. Anytime you have an ounce of customer service to perform -- its interesting. You learn a lot about people.

Anecdotes and Observations:

• Communication is harder than you think. I'm coming to believe that listening is a lost art. Tonight, a girl bought a book. She wanted to spend the remainder of her gift card after we had already completed the transaction. She grabbed a chocolate bar with raspberry filling and had me use the card for it. I told her she owed $1.24 as the card didn't cover the entire thing. She began almost frantically looking for another item to total $1.24. Clearly, she didn't understand, had missed that she owed rather than still had money on the card.
• In every business you get the regulars and the um, shall we say, irregulars. Tonight, we had a gentleman show up in his shirt, shoes, socks, and underwear -- briefs to be exact. He spent a long time reading on how to become a success. It made a coworker wonder if any of the books covered the importance of wearing pants . . . . This same coworker pointed out that the sign only said -- no shirt, no shoes, no service. It left out pants!
• For my other job, I set up user accounts for the website. It's not as hard as it might sound. Anyway, I cannot begin to count how many people I have talked to who call and say they are having trouble with the site yet they have not actually tried putting in their user id and password that I emailed to them. It's almost if they assume that it won't work so they don't try it out.
• At 11:15 PM it is impossible to alphabetize. This is particularly true when coworkers start naming off random letters to help you lose your place.
• I work in a secular book store. Still, I would have thought that someone would have thought that a book on the Dali Lama might be out of place on the Easter table. Just a thought....
• The saying goes that "The customer is always right." I think this is a gross overstatement. Customers will argue over the smallest thing even if it is printed in black and white. You can explain all you want, but often they won't listen until it comes from a manager. Sigh. This includes arguing over a 20% discount on a $1.50 paper.
• For the county, we reject documents that don't meet certain standards. We print off a gold sheet that tells the company exactly why the document was rejected. I don't know if they don't read the sheet or just think that if they send t back through without having changed a thing, that it will magically make it. Some things get rejected several times for things that would be easy to fix.

You just never know what people are thinking (or not thinking)....