The Review -- Hope Chronicles 68

I knew they were coming. I just didn't know when. I guess every October everyone at Barnes and Noble gets reviewed. Two of the managers told a group of us at customer service last night that they would be happening. Uggh. My first thought was that if it was going to make me cry, we had best leave mine for the end.

I suppose that yesterday's post on perfection prepared me a bit. I reminded myself that I didn't have to get a perfect score (an "exceeds standards" in my mind). One of the other managers had told me someone has to do something truly exceptional to get one of those.

My 4.0 personality didn't like that idea, but reading everyone's posts from yesterday helped me keep it in perspective. I didn't get any "exceeds standards" but I did get lots of great written out feedback like the fact that way back last Dec. 29th a customer called in to compliment the service I had given her, and another customer had said, "Amy treated me great" or that I come in when needed and respond quickly to pages for help in certain areas. So, over all it was pretty positive. There are things I need to work on to make better, but everything "met the standards."

After getting reviewed that way, knowing that they actually track the "kudos" we get from customers and other employees, it tells me that they are really watching -- not in an weird way but lots of things I did without thinking got noticed and I had forgotten about them

So, I got reviewed last night. My question today is, if I sat down with God today, what would His review say? Would it say that I helped a homeless man or gave to Compassion International? Would it say that I am sometimes petty and that I'm easily hurt? I don't want to know my life time score of consistency in my time with Him. (I try, but . . . .). Would it talk about the times I shared about my faith and the times I didn't follow the prompting?

Scripture tells us that we will have to give an account for every word we say. In the NIV in Matthew 12:36 it says "But I tell you that men will have to give account on the day of judgment for every careless word they have spoken." Wow. I should really bite my tongue more.

I have hope however that in such a review at the bottom it would say "Loves Jesus. Not quite there yet but striving to be like Him. Dearly loved by the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit." And everything else would fall away.

I still need to work, talk, act, as if that holy review is coming, but there doesn't need to be any trepidation because I know that my heart is tenderly held in the Father's hands. He knows I will mess up and "not meet standards" at some points, but the bigger thing is my relationship with HIM. What a hope that is!

What would your review say? When you got to that last question about your relationship with Jesus, what would it say?

And the Winner is . . . .

And the random number generator picked:

Here are your random numbers:

19

Timestamp: 2008-10-01 03:33:18 UTC

His Daughter was the 19th comment since starting the contest. Congrats. She was commenting about my first post for the on-line study of Lisa's book. I'm not sure if she knew she was also entering. But hopefully it makes her happy!

Blessings. Thanks to everyone for commenting and such.

Glad I Don't Have To Be Perfect-- Hope Chronicles 67

This post is inspired by Lisa Whittle's book Behind Those Eyes: What's really going on inside the souls of women. I'm reading it as part of an on-line study over at Lelia's. Click the book cover to hop over there and get connected. We are only on chapter 2, so if you want to join the soul searching, hop right in.

Perfect. That is what we always had to be growing up. We had to look like we had it all together even when we were falling apart. At one point my dad had moved out. We actually took phone messages as if he still lived there. No one heard us argue in public. We were definitely expected to behave and excel in school. I got "in trouble" exactly twice in school. I was shy and quiet. Both times the teacher moved me to break up a ring of chatter bugs. I found myself responding when I should have been listening to the teacher. But, I only had to be told once! Neither time was a true reprimand, but I did the "eyes forward, mouth closed" routine the rest of the year.

There was also a sense of competition between me and my twin. I'd get a 94% on a test and she'd get a 98%. She did better at almost everything After 3 years of piano, I gave up because she was farther along in the books than I was. When we took violin, she sat in a higher chair than I did. When the class ranks came out our senior year, she was 9/441 and I was 13/441. Those 5 points made me feel like a failure. For me to remember something like that, means it was pretty significant in my world.

So, going to college and being out on my own, you'd think I'd be able to give up some of that perfect world. Nope. Not at all. The voice in my head is probably louder than my mom's ever was. Like so many adults, I picked up where my parents left off.

But I know I'm not perfect. I just keep up a pretty good facade. I look put together but you haven't seen my house or how much I scurry to try to hide the mail pile and other things that needed to be put away long ago.

Several years ago, I stopped going to church for awhile. Honestly, I was angry at God. If He wasn't going to step in and lend me hand then why should I go? What was the point? My life was on a down hill slide and when I had to choose, I jumped, with Satan cheering, on the red hot one labeled "Express." Whoosh! I chose to slide away from God.

About 9 months later I was a wreck. I called my doctor's office. It happened to be a Christian practice. I asked for church recommendations and said I really needed to talk to someone. They gave me 3 possibilities but only one came with a name. So, that is the one I called.

That is how I ended up at Crosswinds. But even there I kept most people at bay. In my small group I was mute. I high tailed it out as soon as service was over.

Fear ruled my life at that point. Honestly, for 6 months I didn't take communion -- convinced that God would strike with a lightening bolt from heaven if I did. I had confided in one woman there. She patiently sat with me. One day I whispered, "Do you think God will zap me if I take communion."

"No," she said. "Not at all. Will you let me serve it to you?"

I did. I still remember the flood of relief that swept over me. I had gone back to church after 9 months, but I think this prodigal daughter went back to the Father in that moment.

Do I still try to look perfect? Yeah, sometimes. Okay, since this is about getting real -- most times. But I think I am taking more and more risks to let people in and see the real me. I'm finding that I'm relieved to not have to be perfect for them. But I'm even more relieved that I don't have to be perfect for God. That's the whole point of the cross, isn't it? If we were as perfect as we may pretend at times, there would have been no need for Jesus to die for our sins.

I'm so glad I don't have to be perfect. There is hope in knowing that this wayward daughter was embraced the moment she admitted her continued need and slipped back into place at His table.

Contest

The contest to win a book -- Just Courage -- ends tomorrow. Click the contest graphic at the top right to read about it and leave a comment and enter! I'll do the random number generator thing and let you know on Wed. Just make sure to check back or that I have some way of contacting you.

Worry

A week or so ago I heard a quote on the Christian station here. I caught the meaning but not all of the words. I relayed them to a bloggy friend, Joy. She hunted them down for me. I thought I would share them with you.

Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow; it empties today of its strength. -- Corrie ten Boom

Worry does not get us anywhere. I am a worrier at heart. So, it is sobering to think of my worry actually draining away the strength I have today. Worry never gets me anywhere but worked up. It's not that I shouldn't think about things and problem solve. That is proactive. Rather, worry is stagnant pool of water. Nothing flows in or out of it. And it just plain stinks. And Corrie is right. Worry does not change tomorrow. But not worrying can change today!

When you start to worry, what do you do to turn it around?

Just Because -- Hope Chronicles 66

A couple of years ago I had a couple of men doing my yard work on a regular basis. Somewhere along the line, they decided not to come anymore. That left me without a lawn mower and no way to get the grass cut. A friend had a friend in the neighborhood and we borrowed his mower and her son, Kolya, cut the grass for me. (My mom's domain was the house. My dad's domain was anything outside and we were never taught to mow.)

That winter I picked up a lawn mower cheap. (Who wants a mower in January in Central Illinois?) That May Mark came over and taught me how to mow.

There is a another single woman to my left and a single mom to my right. My first go around on mowing this year I did all three of our small, postage stamp yards. I don't know if either of them ever knew who had done it.

If you read yesterday's post, you'll recall that I am mechanically challenged. Mark had to come over to help me figure out the problem -- it was on empty! I think Mark said, "Bone dry." It took a little planning for him to come over. It's a very busy time at the church because of moving into the building and finishing up renovations.

In the mean time, some one unexpectedly mowed my lawn. Now, a couple of years ago, no one thought to help me in this way. And I'm not sure which of my neighbors did it, but it was definitely a blessing.

Unexpected kindnesses make the world a more hopeful place. It says "I see you" in a world where many feel invisible. Your assignment today is to do an unexpected kindness for someone. I call these things "Just Because." Here are some ideas:

• Take someone cookies
• Visit someone in the hospital or nursing home
• Write a note just for no reason at all
• Help with some physical thing like lawn mowing
• Talk to manager at a store you frequent to give a genuine compliment to someone

Any other "Just Because" ideas?

Mechanically Disinclined

I am about as mechanically disinclined as they come. Seriously. I know nothing about mechanical stuff, though I can hook a computer up. A couple weeks ago, my lawn mower gave out. I asked Mark if he would take a look at it. He did and left me a message, "You were out of gas and you could use some oil." Sigh. I thought I had topped off the gas, but I guess not.

So, tomorrow I need to catch some time to mow my yard!