Sometimes I Want to Choose Pigs

It's one of those stories in the Bible that you may remember with little prompting. Jesus had traveled across the lake to Gerasenes (Mark 5:1-20). He and the disciples are greeted by a demon-possessed man who lived among the tombs. The towns people had tried to bind him with chains, but he broke free. The demons drove him to cut himself with stones.

When the demons saw Jesus they knew who he was and they made the man kneel and cried out asking why Jesus had come to torture them. The demons were fearful of being sent away. My assumption is that they feared no longer having anyone to torture. They came upon the idea of Jesus sending them into a herd of nearby pigs. Jesus complied. But there nature was destruction and they drove those two thousand pigs off a cliff and into the lake to drown.

I'm posting today at the Internet Cafe. Click here to finish reading this post.

Things That Pull My Gaze Away

Like children, my pets are often jealous for my attention. If one is getting a belly rub, they all want their bellies rubbed. Hadley, my beagle, is probably the worst for it. She can be curled up somewhere dozing and if she opens an eye and catches one of the cats on my lap, she is there in a instant trying to get on too. Usually, she bulldozes Katy or Mali off my lap.

At night, I usually go to bed and Hadley joins me. Eventually the cats will follow. I've noticed that I can be giving Hadley some great one-on-one time (practically a full body massage) and she will hear one of the cats come in and be instantly drawn into an unwanted game of chase. Her focus moves from enjoying my company to wondering what those silly kitties are up to.

I must confess, I think I am like that with God. It's so easy for things going on in this world to pull my gaze away from God.

I think it is a bit like Peter in chapter 21 of John. Jesus has died and risen. He shows up on the beach to cook breakfast for the disciples and then pulls Peter away for a much needed talk. Peter's attention is drawn away by one of the other disciples.

Peter turned and saw that the disciple whom Jesus loved was following them. (This was the one who had leaned back against Jesus at the supper and had said, "Lord, who is going to betray you?") When Peter saw him, he asked, "Lord, what about him?"

Jesus tells him not to worry about that disciple. It is none of his concern.

But I am just like Peter. I want to know, "What about so and so?" Or I say, "What about this situation? How is that going to work out?"

What I need to be doing is continuing to fix my gaze on Jesus and enjoy my time with Him.

Praying today that all of us would fix our gazes so firmly on Jesus that nothing will pull them away.

Care Worthy of Sacrifice

Do you ever have those moments when an author writes a word or phrase and it just jumps off the page at you and sinks deep into your mind? That happened to me recently. I really think it was a God thing.

I firmly believe that God's hand is on everything. This includes even authors who do not profess Christ. It includes fiction. It includes the man pumping gas next to you who says or does something that makes you pause and reflect on God. It's the woman in line at the bank or a song where lyrics grab you. Truth: God can use anything to point to Himself.

Recently, I was reading a book called Graceling by Kristin Cashore. Honestly, I have no idea where Ms. Cashore stands in relationship to God. I do know that it is a non Christian, teen fiction book.

I also know that a passage took my breath away.

Katsa and Po both live in a land where "graces" sometimes manifest themselves. These graces give the person unusual abilities. They also set the gracelings apart in very difficult ways. Through a series of events, Katsa and Po end up on a rescue mission of sorts. As they are fleeing with Princess Bitterblue to safety, Po makes the decision to stay behind. Katsa is left to care for Princess Bitterblue alone. The weather is freezing and Katsa has some doubt that she can get the girl to safety.

But there is a moment of decision on Katsa's part. Ms. Cashore writes, "Her care of Bitterblue must be worthy of Po's sacrifice."

This rephrase jumped into my head. "My care of others must be worthy of Jesus' sacrifice."

Jesus didn't stay behind. But He did sacrifice himself for us. And then He went on ahead, leaving his mission to the world to a ragtag band of disciples and ultimately to me and you. He leaves the day to day, physical care of others to us.

Katsa's grace helps her brave the elements and mountain lions. Jesus graces helps us brave this world. Katsa focused on getting Princess Bitterblue to safety. It was her primary concern. What if our focus, my focus, was getting others safely home? How would that play out in day to day interactions? Would I take the best for myself or leave the best for someone with more need? Would it keep my words in check so that I only built others up? Would it impact how and where I used the finances God has given me?

I hope that it would. But I know that I am a work in progress. Still, today, I hope my aim is to care for others in a way that is worthy of Jesus' sacrifice.

Someone Must Pay. Someone Has.

The news is always filled with tragedies. One of the most recent one was Joseph Stack flying his plane into the IRS building in Texas. He ended up killing himself and Vernon Hunter (a man just going about his daily job) and terrorizing countless others. I am grieved by that news.

Today I read that Valerie Hunter, Vernon Hunter's wife, has filed a lawsuit against Sheryl Stack to find out if Joseph Stack left any life insurance money. I cannot imagine Valerie Hunter's grief and trying to figure out how to make life work after her husband's loss. Still, this news saddens me. It is one more example of what our society has come to. We live in an increasingly litigious society, a society whose mantra is "Someone must pay."

Part of the lawsuit is that Sheryl Stack (Joseph Stack's wife) should have warned people about her husband. If she knew, she probably should have said something. However, I wonder if she did know. I think it is a big IF. If she even had an inkling, I wonder if she would have dismissed it or perhaps couldn't even fathom that her husband would do something like that. How do you prove that she did know?

I haven't read it, but apparently Joseph Stack posted a screed on line. Shouldn't anyone who saw it alerted the authorities?

Someone must pay. Someone must be to blame.

It isn't a new phenomenon. When Columbine happened, everyone looked at the boys' parents. The prevailing thought was "They should have known. There must have been warning signs."

But here is the reality. They might have seen something, but it might not have been enough to raise alarms. Or maybe they misinterpreted what they saw, chalked it up to teenage angst, something they would grow out of.

Still, we say that someone must be to blame. Someone must pay.

Those are big examples. But what about day to day life? Do you ever look for someone to blame or make someone pay in some way?

Sadly, I know I do at times. I want things to all balance out. If I feel I've been injured, I want to know that someone else has owned responsibility. I want it to even out. But it is never as satisfying as I imagine. Balancing, winning that justice, can leave a bitter taste.

God doesn't want us to seek to balance in that way. Rather, He says, "Turn the other cheek."

And He says to look at the cross. That is where Jesus paid a debt He did not owe to bring peace.

How would the world change if we sought peace instead of chanting the mantra "Someone must pay?"

The reality is that Jesus has already paid. What if we trusted that?

Do You Understand the Price?

With more bone searing cold and snow predicted, I decided to repair a hole in my thickest gloves this morning before going to work. As I did, I had to chuckle about my pets. You see, they are in cahoots with one another. Katy routinely knocks things off the counter and kitchen table (where she is not allowed) and dresser. She has taken to getting on top of the refrigerator and knocking down magnets and pictures as well. Mali loves all things soft. She steals socks and dish towels and pajama bottoms and stows them in a nest under the bed. Hadley firmly believes that anything the cats have knocked to the floor is for her. So, last night she retrieved my missing glove from under the bed. I would have thanked her, but in seconds she had a hole in the palm.

I got Hadley the beginning of March 2009. To be honest, at times I've wondered if I had added up the cost if I would have gotten a puppy. Between the vet, the leashes, the kennel, and the dog food, she has been an expense. Add to that the cords she has chewed, the blanket she put a hole in, all the plastic items that she crunches before I can retrieve them, my gloves, and (the one that made me the most angry) the piece of wall paper border chewed directly off the wall!

I'm not big on Christmas music, but this year I found a couple of songs I really enjoyed. One was Joseph's Lullaby by Mercy Me. It goes:

Go to sleep my son
This manger for your bed
You have a long road before you
Rest your little head

Can you feel the weight of your glory?
Do you understand the price?
Does the Father guard your heart for now
So you can sleep tonight?

Go to sleep my son
Go and chase your dreams
This world can wait for one more moment
Go and sleep in peace

I believe the glory of heaven
Is lying in my arms tonight
Lord, I ask that he for just this moment
Simply be my child

Go to sleep my son
Baby close your eyes
Soon enough you'll save the day
But for now dear child of mine
Oh, my Jesus, sleep tight.

It's a pale, pale, almost translucent comparison, but I think that even if I had known the cost, I would have gotten Hadley. She greets me enthusiastically. Her tail is always wagging. She follows me devotedly. She has brought me laughter with her antics. Just like Katy and Mali, she is a snuggle bug. (I've begun to wonder if I would know how to sleep without one or two or three furry friends on top of me.) She has been a bright spot in many dreary days.

But there is a cost. There is a cost in finances. There is a cost in time. There is a cost for my heart.

Can you feel the weight of your glory? Do you understand the price? Two questions from that song for an infant Jesus. I cannot fathom what Jesus knew or didn't know as an infant. I do not know when the awareness of who He was dawned on Him or if it was always present. Was it in the temple as a boy of 12? Was it many years before when Joseph took him out to see the night sky? Was it when studying with other boys his age and realizing that He understood the Father in such vastly different ways?

One of my plans for the New Year is reading Grace Notes by Philip Yancey. There is a selected reading from his works for each day of the year. I'm only six days in, but I find myself wanting to read ahead.

One selection brushed on answering those questions. Can you feel the weight of your glory? Do you understand the price? Yancey wrote in the selection entitled "Rosetta Stone,"

Because of Jesus we need never question God's desire for intimacy. Does God really want close contact with us? Jesus gave up Heaven for it. In person he reestablished the original link between God and human beings, between seen and unseen worlds.

Yes, Jesus understood the price -- giving up the glory of heaven even for just a time, creator choosing to become created, knowing that every step, from being carried in Mary's arms to toddling around the house to walking into the Jordan, every step took Him closer to the cross. And He came anyway.

He came because you and I are worth the price. He came because He could not -- no would not -- fathom not knowing us and being known by us.

Do you understand the price for knowing God?

My story about the cost of Hadley is not even the hint of a shadow of the price that Jesus paid for us because He so desired intimacy with us. I know that. But I can only hope that when I whisper thank you or go to Him in prayer or respond to a prompting or lose myself in worship that I give Him some portion of the joy that I feel when Hadley and Katy and Mali draw close.

Holiday Spirit

If you are gaga about Christmas, you might not want to read this. You've been warned. But then, if you are gaga about Christmas, you might have some words of wisdom for me.

I'm not big on Christmas. No, I don't think that makes me Scrooge. Actually, I'm fine with everyone else being all Christmas. Generally, I try not to tear it down. I listen to people who are all excited, but I generally try to refrain from commenting. (Yes, this is an exception!)

I just think that the holidays are hard for a lot of people:

• Maybe there is a loss associated with the holiday
• Maybe they are lonely
• Maybe it causes a lot of financial stress
• Maybe they work retail where the holiday spirit is really more like a feeding frenzy and you ask someone if they want to donate to the holiday book drive and you get snarled at. (Not that anything like that has ever happened to me!)
• Maybe people are far away from family
• Maybe 100% Christmas music (30 different renditions of Jingle Bells in one day) just grates.
• Maybe all the activity makes someone dizzy
• Maybe things get lost in the shuffle
• It could be any number of things
  

I wish I loved the holiday season. I really do. I'd love to be swept away by it. But then, I don't really get swept away by much.

I struggle with the holiday season, but I do love the meaning of it. I love the word Emmanuel, God with us. I learned once that literally it means that God pitched His tent among us. I love that idea. He made His home with us.

And I love that Jesus came in the dark of night. I love that His birth ended 400 years of relative silence from when the Old Testament ends and Jesus is born. I love that Jesus was born in a manger. Some of it is nostalgia from my horse riding days. I know that stables are smelly places, but there is a warmth there too. In terms of the big picture, a stable was a place where even shepherds could go unimpeded. Jesus came to the common man, not just the rich or the kings.

Mostly, I love what I imagine would have been a pause among all creation, when Jesus struggled into the world, and let out that first cry, and then was snuggled close. I love that Jesus knew comfort that way. I love that in the prodigal son, the father ran to hug his son. And though the cross was cruel, I love that Jesus chose to throw open his arms for all eternity because he wants to gather us close and never let go.

I struggle with the holidays for lots of reasons. But I love the meaning behind it. So, I'm praying that the peace of being held close to Jesus would prevail over the chaos and even the anxiety I am already beginning to feel.

I Would Have Made a Good Pharisee -- Hope Chronicles 90

For some reason, my favorite Bible characters have been on my mind of late. They include Josiah and Peter and Esther to name just a few. I've found my self perusing those and other stories. But as I've been doing that, I've felt the this question tingle at the edges of my mind. I've kind of wanted to keep it at the edges, but as sometimes happens, God wanted me to look at it. What is the question?

Great characters of faith, but which person in the Bible are you most like?

Sigh. I'm not as brave like Esther. I don't know that my heart is as sensitive to God's word as Josiah's. Peter jumped into the water and swam to shore even after he failed Jesus. I would have cowered in the boat.

Yes, but who are you most like?

It took awhile and came with humbling conviction. The Pharisees. Sigh. I don't want to be like them.

In Jesus day there were several prominent groups. One was the Sadducees. (I differentiated them from the other groups by their name and belief. They didn't believe in heaven so that made them "Sad you see." I came up with that in high school, so cut me some slack.) Then there were the Pharisees. (They wanted everything "Fair you see.") They were the rule keepers.

Honestly, I think that initially the Pharisees started out okay. They didn't want to break any of God's commandments. They were very careful about it. They decided to define all the possible ways of breaking a commandment. They then added to the law. In essence, they put up a zillion fences, things to do and not do, so that you wouldn't come close to breaking the law.

Problem: In the frenzy of building those fences, they lost sight of God and his people.

I like rules more than I want to admit. I'd rather be carefree and easy going. I like rules. They make me feel safe. They help me know what to expect and not expect. They give me boundaries at times when life feels out of control.

But just like the Pharisees, I lose sight of God. Yes, I may have my quiet time. I may be able to check any number of spiritual things off the list. But if my quiet time was just about the list, did I really meet with God?

Just like the Pharisees, I lose sight of God's people. Sometimes in relationships I am more concerned about being right or more concerned about what is fair than I am about the person. Take, for instance, my job at BN. I do enjoy it. I work hard. However, my dandruff gets up if I think I'm doing more work than so and so. I want it all to be fair. Sometimes I get so focused on a task, I lose sight of the people around me.

But there is hope. Saul was a Pharisee. He even held the others' cloaks as they stoned Stephen, a leader in the early church. He sincerely believed it was the right thing. He was very good at following rules. He expected everyone else to follow them too. Until one day, he was walking a long and Jesus appeared to him. He was blinded for several days. Then Jesus sent someone to heal Saul's eyes. From then on, Saul became Paul and became a leader in the early church. Talk about a 180!

Was Paul still a rule guy? I think that he probably was. However, he was also someone who had completely experienced grace. This allowed him to give grace to others even when they didn't follow the rules.

Yes, I would have made a good Pharisee. But as God shows us through Paul, God is more than capable to knock down some fences to bring hope to a heart.

Twisting the Golden Rule

Recently, I've been convicted over the golden rule. Interestingly, even people who aren't Christians at least know the gist of it. It can be found in Luke 6:31 -- "Do to others as you would have them do to you." (NIV) It's actually part of a list of uncommon ways we are suppose to treat others -- friends or enemies.

• Love your enemies
• Do good to those who hate you
• Bless when you are cursed
• Pray for those who hurt you
• Turn the other cheek
• If someone takes your cloak, give them your tunic too
• And do to others as you have them do to you

It's a strikingly uncommon way of relating to people in a world that focuses on revenge and blame and all of those kinds of things.

While I don't do it perfectly, in general, I would say I'm pretty good at following the golden rule. (Not perfect, of course.) I loan things freely. I try to say kind things. I'm more than willing to go out of my way for people. Yet, as I said above, I've been convicted about it.

When I was in college, I had never been in a discipleship relationship. Going into my junior year, I found myself in leadership of a Christian group on campus and there were people who needed some shepherding. Honestly, my approach was to provide what I wished someone had done for me. Amazingly, it worked. I found I learned as much as they did.

There have been other things as well where my mode of operation is based on "what I wish had happened for me." It can be taking an interest in the kids I know, going to sporting events even if I do not understand the rules. It can be following through with promises. It can be any number of things.

It has worked well, but here is the twist. Lately, I've noticed bitterness creep in. Though I still may do those things, I find that I can think, "I did this or that for so and so, why won't anyone do it for me?" The twist is that I somehow deserve something in return. Sadly, that means what I have given or done, has not been a gift. It comes with an expectation.

Yes, it would be nice on various things, but that is not the heart behind the golden rule or any of those other things listed above. The heart is considering others before me because that is what Christ did. The heart is giving up our rights because that is what Jesus did.

So, I need to ask God to change my heart to match my actions. Then, the gifts of time or interest or whatever will be freely given with no strings attached.

What about you? Do you ever attach strings to things?

No Such Thing as Too Hard -- Hope Chronicles 88

I was always a good student, but my senior year in high school, pre-calculus stumped me. It seriously stumped me. I was use to getting A's and bemoaning an occasional B. I put my nose to the grindstone the first quarter -- staying late and going in early for extra help. The result was a C. I vowed not to let it get the best of me and kept at it second quarter. Again, I got a C.

As the third quarter rolled around, I trembled. All year long, Mr. Bates had told us about the 200 point take home test he gave third quarter each year. I worked all weekend on that test, puzzling over and over the questions, searching the book, praying. When we got it back, I was crushed to find out that all of my effort resulted in 2 points out of 200!

With an eye on college (I had already been admitted to the University of Evansville), I called the admissions office and asked if I needed the class. It turns out that I only needed it if I was going to go into engineering. I dropped it -- wondering why I had been taking it in the first place.

I had Mr. Bates for a computer class as well. I hadn't talked to him about my decision, so when I showed up for the computer class, he expressed his disappointment. "Why," he asked, "after all that hard work would you quit now?" My answer, "It was just too hard." And it was hard and I couldn't stomach seeing an F on my report card after that disastrous take home test.

I don't necessarily quit easily, but there are times when I have decided that things are just too hard.

Lately, I've found myself thinking a lot about the idea of something being too hard. It's come to mind, particularly, as I've tried to sort through some personal things. I find myself wanting to avoid, bemoaning the fact that something is too hard. Is it doable? Probably. But it seems too painful. It feels crushing -- 100 times more so than contemplating an F on that report card. I quit then, so it seems logical to quit now. Maybe that is the danger of quitting. It becomes easier and easier to quit.

But should I have quit then? I don't know. F or no F, I had already been admitted to college and gotten a scholarship. While I didn't need the class for college, I may have need the growth experience from surviving an F on that all-important-to-me report card. But looking back, who cares now what was on that report card or more high school class rank?

As I've thought about it, the thought has come to mind, "What if Jesus had said it was just too hard?"

Look at Jesus as He approaches Jerusalem for the last time. Scripture makes it clear that He knows what was coming. What if he thought:

• My friends will fall asleep when I need them the most. I should stop.
• My friend is going to betray me with a kiss. I should turn around.
• They will bind my hands and beat me. The pain will be too great too bear. I should run.
• They will jam a crown of thorns upon my head, mock me, spit on me, humiliate me. I should hide.
• The crowds who praise me as I enter Jerusalem will call for my death in mere days. Would only a fool go forward?
• They will nail me to a cross like a criminal. I will die an agonizing death. How can I go one more step knowing that each step takes me one step closer to this pain and humiliation, the sense of being forsaken, the agony? God, it is just too hard.

And Jesus did wrestle with what was coming. In the garden, He prayed that God would take the cup from him. But then He prayed that God's will be done. His sweat came as drops of blood as He considered what was coming. But then He still prayed that God's will be done.

So easy to say, "God's will be done" when life is easy -- when friends and family are faithful, when everyone is healthy, when the job is going well, when everything is just going right. how much harder to say it in the midst of pain and suffering, illness, abandonment, sadness . . . .

Jesus could have said, "It's too hard" and He would have been right. It was too hard. But he didn't quit. He fixed his eyes on God and pressed forward to the joy set before Him.

Sigh. If Jesus did not quit, do I have the luxury of saying, "It's too hard. I'm not going there!"

But there is hope in knowing that when it mattered the most in all of eternity, Jesus refused to throw up His hands and utter "It's just too hard!" and quit. He walks with us in the midst of hard.

Fair Isn't Always Equal

Fair. Put one piece of cake on the table in between 2 kids and you'll get an immediate lesson in fair. (For those of you with kids, I've heard the way of making sure things are fair in this situation is to let one child cut the piece of cake and the other get first dibs on which half they want!) Kids are keenly aware of fair. But then, most adults I know are pretty aware too!

I came across this book last night. It had the title that went something like "Fair Isn't Always Equal." Maybe it stood out to me because "fair" was on my mind. Like most people, I like things to be fair. If they aren't fair, I prefer to be in the one up position. Honestly, (like most people, I think) I probably don't even think about fair unless I feel like I'm getting the short end of the stick.

When I was on staff with InterVarsity Christian Fellowship, our Regional staff meetings one year were on Racial Reconciliation. They had a variety of activities they put us through and then debriefed. One was a race with candy as the reward. We started out in one line. Then the facilitator said something like, "If you were raised in a two parent home, take one step forward. If you had a library card growing up, take a step forward. If you had a computer at all in your home, take a step forward." After several of those, we also heard, "If you spent time in a foster home, take a step back. If you have ever been refused service somewhere, take a step back." You get the picture.

While we all believed in equality, the game showed us an enormous amount of situations where things weren't fair. In the end, a couple staff were way out ahead and none of the rest of us had a chance. One staff member was actually behind the line where we had all begun. Most had the sensitivity to be embarrassed at being so far ahead. It was humbling.

I don't know anything about that book, so I cannot recommend it. But I do think it is true. Fair isn't always equal.

As I've thought about it, I've also come to realize that God is more concerned about my character than about fair. I don't know where that thought came from. Maybe God whispered it in my ear or tugged it out of some recess of my mind from long ago. Where ever it came from, I think it is an amazing thought and it sets my priorities on end. I am so much more likely to think about fair before my character.

How do I know God is more concerned about character than fair? Look at the cross. The cross is stands in stark contrast to fair. There was nothing fair about Jesus death on the cross. If Jesus was concerned about fair, I would have been nailed to the cross for my sins instead of Jesus.

There is no mercy in fair. There is no grace in fair. Rather fair is about what is deserved or earned. Mercy is about not getting what we deserve. Grace is mercy's kindred spirit but takes it one step further and offers what we do not deserve and can never earn.

Fair is rigid. Mercy and grace are fluid and in God's love, they wrap themselves around His children.

Fair has it's merits. Merit is it's cornerstone. But stone is cold. I'll choose mercy and grace.

The challenge now learning let go of fair in relation to those around me and offer mercy and grace instead.

While I'm praying that, it's scary. Choosing those things are hard. God used that book title to remind me. Even last night, I found the words, "That's not fair" coming quickly to mind. Mercy and grace. Mercy and grace. Pray that I remember those words before fair even creeps in.

Thank God that He cares more about my character, about me, than He does about honoring my sense of fair.

If You Are Going To Be That Way

We've had some remodeling done in our office. It's meant extra work for the facilities people. When the first round was done, we thought about doing something for them. It fell right with the holidays, so that noble idea got squeezed out.

Today they started doing a bit more. It's a short bit and they will finish tomorrow. A coworker and I decided late in the afternoon to revisit that idea. We looked at the department phone list and discovered that there are between 30-40 of them. We opted to go simple and surprise them tomorrow with brownies for the whole department since they serve us all year round.

As we were talking, she said that she could do brownies but not cookies. I was astounded to find out that she had only ever tried to make them once. She said that she had burned them and then, "If they are going to be that way . . . ."

I laughed. "So, the cookies burned themselves?"

She laughed too. But it got me thinking. How often do we write something off as someone else's issue and then abandon them altogether if they are going to be that way. A couple things seem perilous to me here.

• There is a lack of owning up to our own stuff.
• We abandon people (if it is their stuff or not) with a shrug and placing it all on them, "If they are going to be that way." Realistically, some of it may be their stuff, but in a throw away society, we are often to quick to even throw away people.

No, she wasn't serious. It was an off the cuff remark. But it did get me thinking. Where do I say, "If they are going to be that way . . ." and fail to take responsibility for my part or, at the very least, my part in my response to the interaction?

Somehow, I don't think Jesus ever got miffed and said, "If they are going to be that way." What if we stopped saying or thinking it? Would it transform our relationships?

The 411 About Supporting a Child

I had the privilege today of helping out at a Compassion booth at a Christian Women's Conference (Hearts at Home) that is sponsored here in Normal, IL, MN, and MI. I know a lot about Hearts at Home as the founder is a friend of mine. Still, not being a mom, I've veered away from helping out at the conference (don't want my I-wanna-be-a-mom jealousy meter to raise too high) and instead helped out with a couple of Jill's kids. But, they are out growing me.

Last week, Compassion contacted me and asked about helping out at their booth. I love what Compassion does and even though it risked tweaking that meter, I decided to do it. I am so glad that I did. We were busy the entire time. And I got to work with Lisa Martin from Compassion and learned a lot about how to answer the questions.

Here are some of the common questions we got and the answers:
How does this work?

• For $32 a month you sponsor a child. It is a 1 to 1 relationship. No one else will be sponsoring your child. This allows you to build a relationship with the child. (I got to insert bits about the children I am sponsoring.)

Do the children really write you?

• Absolutely. They have to write at least 3 times a year. However, they can write more than that if they want. I had taken along a couple letters that my kids had written to share.

What do you write about and can you send gifts?

• Write about whatever is on your heart. When you do, you will find that your children's letters reflect their concern for you and that they are praying for you. Coming from such family oriented cultures, my children struggle to understand how I can be single and live by myself. They've offered up advice like joining the church choir. When a friend moved, one wrote that she wanted to come to me so I wouldn't be lonely.
• If you have kids, write about them. I write about kids I know.
• You can't send packages because of the cost involved and the fact that things might not make it through Customs in other countries.
• You CAN send small, fun, flat things: pictures (They treasure these), coloring pages, pieces of bright colored paper, stickers. Think "Flat Stanley."
• A couple times year you CAN send extra money for gifts for birthdays or the family or Christmas. The Christmas money gets pooled so that all the kids get things. On the birthday or family gifts, Compassion workers in that country find out what the child/family needs and they go from there.

How much of the money goes to the child?

• 80 cents of every dollar is used to directly benefit the children. The other 20 cents is overhead. Compassion is a very fiscally well run organization. The money is used for education, food, spiritual development, etc.

What about if there are other children at home?

• Typically, only one child (depending on the family needs) is involved in the program. But Compassion understands that in these countries, sharing is a strong family value. Children take home what they learn. They teach their siblings letters by writing in the dirt. They can tell their parents that the reason they get sick so often is that the water isn't boiled. The children become advocates.
• The children at the center have their nutritional needs addressed. This means there is more to go around at home.
• By only having one child in the program, Compassion can influence more families. If there were 5 families with 5 children each with each child enrolled in the program, that would be 25 children impacting 5 families. Compassion thinks bigger than this. By taking 25 children each from different families, they impact 25 families and a bigger segment of the community at large.

Is Compassion a Christian organization?

• DEFINITELY. The program is run in conjunction with a local church. Families are encouraged to go to church but it isn't a requirement. Even if they don't go to church, the children are taught scripture during the day. Again, this is carried back to the families.

How do you pick a child?

• If you are at an event, you can pick up a packet with the child's info and everything you need to get started. But how do you decide? For some people it is a country they are interested in or one they think they might visit. For others, it is wanting a child close to their own child's age.
• You can go online (see the link in the sidebar) and search for a child that way.
  
• Compassion can also pick a child for you.
  
• There are priority children. These children have been waiting 6 months or more for a sponsor. Think how much it would mean to sponsor one of these children.

What do the communities think about Compassion?

• Lisa shared with me how much the communites appreciate Compassion. Compassion typically tries to buy food and supplies locally. As a result, they are investing in the local economy.

Do the letters from sponsors matter?

• YES!!! It is a tangible way that a child feels loved by the sponsor. If you support a child, please write!
  
• It is also possible to go on Compassion sponsored trips and meet your child. I'm praying about that.

Why do I sponsor my two children? Because Jesus calls us to be people of compassion. Compassion is not just being moved by suffering but being moved enough to want to do something about that suffering. After working the booth today, I have a greater realization of the impact that my sponsorship has not just on my child but on the families and the community. It's a ripple effect.

Are You Worried About the Economy?

I go in cycles trying to keep up on the news. Typically, I do a pretty poor job of it -- gravitating only to stories that intrigue me. However, it is hard to miss that the economy is suffering. If the stretch of my paycheck didn't clue me in, the headlines would.

Last night at BN, I was cashiering. I caught the gist of one of the papers. Though the person who spent $350 on books belies the struggle, the problem is of global proportions. One article talked about how Americans' new interest in saving is impacting nations like China that depend so heavily on exporting of goods to this country.

Tonight, I caught a blip on CBS news about newspapers. Apparently, some major holders of papers are filing for bankruptcy. They had already been struggling because of the wealth of free information now available at our fingertips. The sale of ads have decreased and we just don't buy the paper anymore.

I haven't a clue where the phrase comes from, but I believe it is in regards to money. I wonder how long (or if we are already there) until buyers, lenders, or whomever looks at us and says about the American dollar "It's not worth the paper it's printed on."

Between shoppers last night (long waits on a Sunday night), I got to thinking about God's economy. I can imagine Satan looking at our sin ravaged and decaying world and shaking his head, turning to God, and making a very good case that we aren't "worth the paper we're printed on." And in some respects, he might be right. How many times did I sin today? How many cross words or hurtful thoughts?

But God wouldn't buy into it. In spite of the grim economy of my soul at times, I shouldn't buy into it either. God listened to the plea of the hymn writer Robert Robinson when in Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing he wrote:

O to grace how great a debtor
Daily I'm constrained to be
Let thy goodness, like a fetter,
Bind my wandering heart to thee
Prone to wander, Lord I feel it
Prone to leave the God I love
Here's my heart, O take and seal it
Seal it for thy courts above

Jesus takes my ravaged heart from Satan's hand as Satan points out every flaw. Jesus turns it over in his nail scarred hands and points triumphantly at the seal that marks it for His courts above. He states, "Not worth the paper it's written on but so dear to me that I find it worth my very blood."

Tonight I shall strive not to give over to my worries and frets, because Jesus is in charge of the economy of my soul. It's backed by His grace and love.

What I Want for the New Year

It's hard to believe that 2008 has come and gone. I went to a friend's house for a bit and then came home around 10:30. I slept my way into the New Year. But all day yesterday and today I have been pondering what I want for the New Year.

Hope. I still want to focus on hope. I've learned a lot about it this past year, but I think that there is more to learn. But rather than just hope I also want to learn about peace.

I want peace in the Middle East.

I want peace in the United States. What could be accomplished if the Democrats and Republicans actually worked together?

I want fewer homocides.

I want peace in the world. No more genocides.

I want peace for every child.

I want peace in my relationships.

I want to be a peace maker rather than a peace taker.

More than that, I want to have the peace that passeth all understanding.

Towards the end of John, Jesus has had the last supper with the disciples. He has told them what is to come, but none of them fully understand it.

In many ways, I think peace was Jesus parting gift to the disciples. John 14:23-27 says this:

Jesus replied, "If anyone loves me, he will obey my teaching. My Father will love him, and we will come to him and make our home with him. He who does not love me will not obey my teaching. These words you hear are not my own; they belong to the Father who sent me."

"All this I have spoken while with you. But the Counselor, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you. Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives you. Do not not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."

Peace is more than the absence of conflict and strife. It is something that comes from the Father. It is something that God has given even in the midst of the hard ugly stuff in the world. I look at my list of things I want peace for. I do want peace for each of those things. But I want to be marked as a person of peace even in the midst of the hard things of life. I want the peace that passeth all understanding.

That is a big prayer. My life so far has been marked by anxiety and depression. When something isn't right, when I am in the midst of a conflict or hard situation, I obsess about it. But that is not what God wants me to do. Should I give it my time and thoughts to help remedy the situation? Yes, but more than that I should be able to hand it to Him and rest in knowing that He is in control.

I think of the disciples in the midst of a storm with Jesus asleep in the boat. They were panic stricken and almost with indignation woke Jesus and cried, "Don't you care if we drown?" My life so far has echoed that cry. "God, don't you care that I'm drowning down here?" But Jesus does care. When they wake him Jesus says, "Quiet! Be still!" In that moment the wind and waves completely die down. But then he almost rebukes the disciples. "Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?" (Mark 4:35-41)

I want to be one who can be at peace in the midst of the storm. That is not to say I want the storms. But I know that they are part of life. I want the hope and peace that comes from knowing Jesus to be evident to everyone in my life and be a testimony to Him.

I came across this anonymous quote:

Peace. It does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble, or hard work. It means to be in the midst of these things and have a calm heart.

May God grant us all calm hearts that hope in Him this New Year.

Batter Up! -- Hope Chronicles 83

Have you ever noticed a phrase that you've heard all your life but never known the origins? One such phrase for me is in the form of a question, "Who's gonna bat for me?" My take on it is that someone cannot bat for some reason so a fellow teammate bats in his place. (This may or may not be accurate.)

Recently, I was surprised by some confrontation on a issue in my life. The issue is confrontation and how I respond. I'll admit that I do get stubborn but it was hard to hear that I get mean with my words. I've been challenged to look at this area and make amends.

I've wanted to respond with a "Yes, but. . . ." In other words, "I'll own my stuff when they own their stuff." Which a friend pointed out is the problem. She thinks I need to just own my stuff and not worry about their stuff. My rallying point is, "But that isn't fair. There's a double standard here . . . ."

As I've thought and prayed about it, I've realized that my attitude is really born out of fear. The relentless question in my mind has been, "But who will bat for me?" When I was a child, my dad was fairly abusive. My mom knew about what was going on but didn't step into protect me. I learned this lesson: if I don't protect myself then no one will. And I think it is the mode I operate out of today. When someone confronts me the barriers go up and I peek through the slot in the heavily reinforced door.

Admitting my part without a respective commitment from them, seems like making myself vulnerable and defenseless.

This summer I read Gary Haugen's book Just Courage. It's a wonderful little book but really challenging. The final challenge is "Do you want to be safe or brave?" Haugen writes

". . . . I'd like to be brave, but I'd also like to be safe. My heavenly Father, however, loves me deeply enough to tell me the truth. He says I can't be both brave and safe. He wants me to be clear that I have to decide -- and he wants me to choose to be brave, which means choosing not to be safe."

The challenge is that God wants us to be brave knowing that our real safety (maybe not in the concrete ways we want) resides in Jesus and what He did for us on the cross.

So, please pray with me as I begin to look at my relentless concern about who is batting for me? Jesus was and is batting for me. There is hope in that.

But I need the courage, the bravery, of letting my defenses down. At the heart of the issue is trusting that God has my best in mind and is batting for me. I'm not sure how to do that, so your prayers would be appreciated.

Crooked Sticks -- Hope Chronicles 82

There are lots of amazing things about the gospel:

• God chose an ordinary, uneducated girl rather than a wealthy, educated woman to give birth to His Son
  
• God chose a blue collar man rather than a Rabbi to raise His Son
• God chose to come as a helpless infant rather than a grown man just appearing
• God chose to allow Jesus to know hunger and thirst and temptation
• God chose the cross and the grave
• God chose to know separation from His Son when Jesus cried out "My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?"
• God chose uneducated men and women to start his church

It's all pretty amazing if you think about it. Jesus could have come as a king with a commanding army. His army could have been angels that would make every knee bow. He could have come as good looking but scripture indicates there was nothing to draw us to Him. He could have come with trumpets. He could have ridden Seabiscuit instead of a donkey.

Even today, there are lots of things God does that are amazing. It's amazing that God chooses to work through you and me. C.S. Lewis wrote:

The good news of the Gospel is that God draws straight lines with crooked sticks.

I don't know about you, but I'm a crooked stick. While I can be loving and kind and loyal, my moods are up and down. I can be stubborn. I can have bite in my words. I am a crooked stick. Yet God still uses me. I'm somehow still a part of his plan in spite of all my imperfections. He uses me to encourage the fellow employee at work, to help a child find his mother, to step in with a helping hand. He uses me to point to Him in my own imperfect way.

From one crooked stick to another, isn't it hope that God chooses to use us at all?

Change -- Hope Chronicles 80

I had the pleasure of spending Thanksgiving with Mark and Jill, their kids, and their extended families. I am thankful that they included me.

As we were driving back, I told Jill that it was coming up on a year since I started the Hope Chronicles. That was my goal -- to write for a year about different aspects of hope. Now my question is, do I keep on with them or do I change them to some other attribute like faith?

A couple weeks ago (Hope Chronicle 78) I shared a quote about how "hope tightens the heartstrings." I asked the question if any of you had seen a change in me. (Thanks for those who took the time to respond.) I also said that I would share, after hearing from you, what I thought.

I honestly think sharing and thinking about hope in a meaningful way has changed me. In A Bridge Called Hope, Kim Meeder writes:

In every honest, balanced, and meaningful way . . . hope stretches us to a new capacity . . . a previously unkown capacity to change.

I think that has been true for me. Writing about hope has stretched me. It has made me see hope in a different way. It has kept my thoughts focused on the positive instead of the negative.

Have there been bumps in the road? Yes. And I think that anytime we set our heart or mind to something like this, the enemy attacks. Satan hates hope. He hates the thought of it. He hates the hope we have.

Interestingly, this summer when I was feeling most hopeful, I feel like he attacked full force and brought me to my knees. For two weeks I had trouble writing/blogging about anything at all. He brought me to my knees. In some ways, that was a foolish thing to do, because on my knees in prayer was exactly where I needed to be. And I am thankful that God sent a supply of people to pray for me as well.

Hope has stretched me and changed me, but I have difficulty putting words to the change. It is a change of heart, a change of mind, a change of attitude.

It's interesting to write that after the beginning of last week. I was reminded of how much more change there is needed. Even my response to those words were not words of hope. I quickly threw up a wall of self-protection. The problem is that there is little hope alone behind a wall. But I am still feeling hurt and very vulnerable.

But after this year, I should know there is hope. There is hope to change because Jesus is all about changed lives. As impatient as we are with ourselves and others to change quickly, Jesus says, "I am here for the long haul." There is a world of hope in that.

Have I changed? Yes. Is there more to come? Yes.

But I wonder, should I continue on this adventure of hope or should my focus shift?

So, I'm setting up a poll. Please give me your feedback!

40 to 40 (Gratitude 20)

I am grateful for some of the unique opportunities that God has given me. One was spending 8 weeks in Russia on one of InterVarsity's Global Projects. There were a handful of staff and 23 college students who went to teach English to Russian students and learn a little Russian as well.

Our bigger purpose was to be a witness of who Jesus was in our lives. We lived, ate, and studied with our Russian counterparts. In the off times, we planed fun events as well as Bible studies that the Russians students were free to come to or not.

Honestly, it was a very challenging time for me. I struggled to connect to my Russian roommate. She was all glitz and well, I'm pretty low maintenance in terms of make-up and all of that. She was pretty enough to be a model. We had nothing in common. Add to that culture shock and it was a rough couple of months. But it was also an eye opening month to things in the world and with in me.

St. Basil's Cathedral in Red Square, Moscow.

The most precious and heart rending time for me was the afternoon we spent at an orphanage. Some children are there because they have been given up for adoption. Others are there simply because their parents can't take care of them. This little guy stole my heart. He was one of three who trailed after me. I wanted to smuggle all three home with me.

The sad part is that we saw probably some of the healthier children there. But all of them looked younger than their stated age. They were hungry for touch and any kind of attention. The rule was that we were not allowed in the building. The orphanage had a facade to maintain by presenting us, for the most part, with their healthiest children.

But I look at this picture and just see sad eyes. The toy looks happier than he does. God broke my heart for orphans that day.

The Truth Heals

It's Tuesday. While I enjoy Tuesdays, I didn't really want this one to come. It's the last chapter of Lisa Whittle's book hosted by Lelia. It's been fun to share with everyone what God is doing and even have the author chime in.

Everyone says that the truth will set you free. But what truth will set you free: the truth. It's not just any old truth out there that in our day and age may not be truth at all. It's the truth about who we are in relationship to Jesus.

Lisa share's several truths that sum up the truth (her words in blue):
Truth #1: Recognition -- God created you exactly the way you are, with your unique personality and temperament, since He is incapable of making a mistake.

I know this is true, but honestly, I have a hard time believing it at times. I often times feel like a mistake -- something that was just thrown together from left over bits. The truth is that God knit me together in my mother's womb. I use to knit and would frequently drop stitches. Somehow I have a hard time believing God has ever dropped a stitch. So, why is it so hard for me to believe that He created me just the way I am suppose to be?

Truth #2: God created you with a free will to choose your behavior and mess up your own life.

Ouch. But I know it is true. I make choices that impact my life every day. Some of them are good and some of them are bad. And sometimes other people's choices impact me. But, ultimately, even when they impact me I am given another choice in how I respond. My life is very much about the choices I have made and continue to make.

Truth #3: Resolution

God wants us to figure out who we are in Him and not try to be someone else. Really, that is what this whole book has been about -- our tendency to try to be someone we're not. God made us for a purpose. Maybe all the pretending gets in the way of what God is doing in our lives and the lives of others.

We are imperfect, flawed. But Jesus has chosen to bestow His grace on us. We need to grapple with that truth, the truth of His love and care, to really become who we were meant to be.

I love the idea of choices. In essence that is what I have done with both my Hope Chronicles and my 40 to 40. The first was a choice to choose hope consistently for a year. The second is a choice to choose gratitude and a different outlook on turning 40. So, this year I have tried to make good choices that hopefully point to Him.

What choice can you make that might draw you closer to Him?

40 to 40 (Gratitude 13)

A verse that has always stood out to me is John 17:3. It is in the midst of a prayer that Jesus prayed. It says (NIV):

Now this is eternal life: that they may know you, the only true God, and Jesus Christ whom you have sent.

I remember studying this passage during an InterVarsity conference. It jumped out that Jesus had defined eternal life and it wasn't simply "living forever." Rather, eternal life is knowing God and Jesus.

It hit me that eternal life does not begin some day when we die. It begins the moment we begin to know God. I am grateful for this truth that seems so simple yet is often skimmed over. Eternal life: Knowing God. Yes, when we get to heaven we will more fully know God, but it has already begun for those who believe.