Stress Fractures

Recently, I've had some unexplained foot and leg pain. Actually, it's been going on a couple of months. Sometimes, (though it seems more often or than not) I am waking up in the morning with swollen ankles and achy feet. Yes, I said waking up that way. It would make sense to me if it were later in the day. Even then, I don't know that it should be more often than not. The moment my feet touch the ground getting out of bed, they hurt. It's an achy kind of hurt, not a shooting pain or anything like that.

Initial, I thought it had something to do with the running. I backed off on that. However, not running for over a week didn't help and just doing the minimum the second week didn't either. Sleeping with my feel elevated for a month hasn't worked.

I finally called the doctor just to ask if it should be something I should be concerned about. It's not debilitating. I don't limp or hobble. It's just a constant ache. I felt a bit foolish but explained to the nurse that I was just checking about it. You see, my mom died from cancer. She started feeling poorly in January but just kind of ignored it. By the time she was diagnosed in October (the first time she got looked at), things were pretty bad. As a result, I am more likely than not to get things checked out.

Yes, they want to check into it especially since I had tried everything they would suggest already. So, I'm getting sort of a sonogram of my legs next week.

Of course I'm curious as to what it could be. The didn't say. I don't have a clue. My mind has played with possibilities. One being stress fractures. But I doubt that would be it in both feet at once! Having broken a tailbone and fractured some fingers, I think it might hurt worse than it does if this was the case.

As I considered the possibility of stress fractures, I zeroed in on what it means to have stress fractures in my life. Stress is a powerful thing. It can really discombobulate me. As a result, I am less pleasant to be around.

Stress can fracture my relationships. This morning, I am thinking particularly of work. Yesterday was a VERY stressful day. While my initial interactions with people were okay, as the day went on, those fractures shot out. One question too many. One too many things forgotten. One off the wall comment too many. One too many everything. By 2:00 I was chin deep in a project and didn't have patience for anything else. Yes, I was busy, but did I need to be short with people? Yes I was stressed, but did my words and demeanor need to fracture things with folks around me?

Today may be stressful too. The project is not yet done and is pretty important. But I don't want to fracture things anymore than I did yesterday. I will remember to breath. I will take 5 minutes to walk outside when things keep escalating. I will remember that God loves each person and expects me, out of love for Him, to treat everyone with kindness even when I'm stressed. Maybe even more so when I'm stressed. Being kind when everything is going well is easy. Being kind when things are overwhelming is a choice to depend on God and see people through His eyes.

What do you do to prevent or heal stress fractures in you day to day life?

Not Always Personal

Sometimes (okay, lots of times) I struggle with taking things personally. I don't mean to. Part of it is that I assume motive when there isn't one. For example, there is work. At one of my jobs, my favorite thing is to interact with customers. Lately, I've been delegated to scanning and ordering shelves. I don't mind it some, but I've noticed that I've begun to take it personally. I assume that they don't want me working with customers.

Reality check, if I was that bad with customers, I wouldn't still be working there.

Still, I was disappointed Friday night to see that I was down for the same thing I had done the last several times I worked. I think it read on my face. My manager and I ended up talking a bit. She said, "Do you know how important that is? Because you do that, everyone can find what they need. It is so important." I admitted that customer service felt worlds more important.

Yesterday, I had a chance to talk to her again. I wanted to make sure she knew I didn't mind it, but I just wanted some opportunity to work with customers. She seemed to understand that and said that she would see what they could do. But she also wanted me to know that it was really good business to have me doing the shelves -- not because I couldn't work with customers -- but because I am both highly accurate and very fast at it. I guess I get more done than most at it.

But the point is, that I took it personally. There was nothing personal about it. She actually saw it more as a compliment.

Do you ever take something personally that really isn't?

A Sea Monkey Kind of Sensitive

I don't know where I saw the ad or exactly how old I was, but I was induced into spending my allowance on "Sea Monkeys." I remember they were suppose to frolic and play and such. If you had enough money, you could even by some equipment to go with them. I think I had just enough for the Sea Monkeys. They seemed like just the kind of pet my parents couldn't say "No" to.

So, I sent the money and Sea Monkeys came. They were ceremoniously dumped into a drinking glass. They weren't nearly as fascinating as the ad claimed, but I was diligent in feeding them even if I wasn't enthralled with them.

One day I went down the basement (where the Sea Monkeys lived) to feed them. Lets just say that somehow the Sea Monkeys perished -- probably the result of the glass being accidently knocked over. I was horrified and hid under my bed crying at the thought that I had killed all those tiny, tiny monkeys.

For clarification, Sea Monkeys are actually brine shrimp. I suppose that technically they are alive. However, they are no where near what my little girl mind had imagined. For my reaction, you would have though I hurt a bunny or a puppy or something like that.

All of that is to say that I can be a bit sensitive. Okay, not just a bit. I am sensitive. Maybe too sensitive. Because that Sea Monkey kind of sensitive has carried over into my adult life.

I see a counselor. It is a good thing, but yesterday was a hard session. We were talking about friendships and relationships and all that kind of stuff. It came out that sometimes my reactions are over what they might be. Well, that can put people on edge. While Julie was just trying to helpful, it didn't go well. As I thought about it last night as I couldn't sleep because of it all, the Sea Monkey thing dawned on me. I suppose, in that instance, I was Sea Monkey sensitive too.

My question is "How do you keep from being too sensitive/Sea Monkey sensitive?" My guess is that it is all the perspective, but how do you change your perspective?

If You Are Going To Be That Way

We've had some remodeling done in our office. It's meant extra work for the facilities people. When the first round was done, we thought about doing something for them. It fell right with the holidays, so that noble idea got squeezed out.

Today they started doing a bit more. It's a short bit and they will finish tomorrow. A coworker and I decided late in the afternoon to revisit that idea. We looked at the department phone list and discovered that there are between 30-40 of them. We opted to go simple and surprise them tomorrow with brownies for the whole department since they serve us all year round.

As we were talking, she said that she could do brownies but not cookies. I was astounded to find out that she had only ever tried to make them once. She said that she had burned them and then, "If they are going to be that way . . . ."

I laughed. "So, the cookies burned themselves?"

She laughed too. But it got me thinking. How often do we write something off as someone else's issue and then abandon them altogether if they are going to be that way. A couple things seem perilous to me here.

• There is a lack of owning up to our own stuff.
• We abandon people (if it is their stuff or not) with a shrug and placing it all on them, "If they are going to be that way." Realistically, some of it may be their stuff, but in a throw away society, we are often to quick to even throw away people.

No, she wasn't serious. It was an off the cuff remark. But it did get me thinking. Where do I say, "If they are going to be that way . . ." and fail to take responsibility for my part or, at the very least, my part in my response to the interaction?

Somehow, I don't think Jesus ever got miffed and said, "If they are going to be that way." What if we stopped saying or thinking it? Would it transform our relationships?

What I Want for the New Year

It's hard to believe that 2008 has come and gone. I went to a friend's house for a bit and then came home around 10:30. I slept my way into the New Year. But all day yesterday and today I have been pondering what I want for the New Year.

Hope. I still want to focus on hope. I've learned a lot about it this past year, but I think that there is more to learn. But rather than just hope I also want to learn about peace.

I want peace in the Middle East.

I want peace in the United States. What could be accomplished if the Democrats and Republicans actually worked together?

I want fewer homocides.

I want peace in the world. No more genocides.

I want peace for every child.

I want peace in my relationships.

I want to be a peace maker rather than a peace taker.

More than that, I want to have the peace that passeth all understanding.

Towards the end of John, Jesus has had the last supper with the disciples. He has told them what is to come, but none of them fully understand it.

In many ways, I think peace was Jesus parting gift to the disciples. John 14:23-27 says this:

Jesus replied, "If anyone loves me, he will obey my teaching. My Father will love him, and we will come to him and make our home with him. He who does not love me will not obey my teaching. These words you hear are not my own; they belong to the Father who sent me."

"All this I have spoken while with you. But the Counselor, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you. Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives you. Do not not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."

Peace is more than the absence of conflict and strife. It is something that comes from the Father. It is something that God has given even in the midst of the hard ugly stuff in the world. I look at my list of things I want peace for. I do want peace for each of those things. But I want to be marked as a person of peace even in the midst of the hard things of life. I want the peace that passeth all understanding.

That is a big prayer. My life so far has been marked by anxiety and depression. When something isn't right, when I am in the midst of a conflict or hard situation, I obsess about it. But that is not what God wants me to do. Should I give it my time and thoughts to help remedy the situation? Yes, but more than that I should be able to hand it to Him and rest in knowing that He is in control.

I think of the disciples in the midst of a storm with Jesus asleep in the boat. They were panic stricken and almost with indignation woke Jesus and cried, "Don't you care if we drown?" My life so far has echoed that cry. "God, don't you care that I'm drowning down here?" But Jesus does care. When they wake him Jesus says, "Quiet! Be still!" In that moment the wind and waves completely die down. But then he almost rebukes the disciples. "Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?" (Mark 4:35-41)

I want to be one who can be at peace in the midst of the storm. That is not to say I want the storms. But I know that they are part of life. I want the hope and peace that comes from knowing Jesus to be evident to everyone in my life and be a testimony to Him.

I came across this anonymous quote:

Peace. It does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble, or hard work. It means to be in the midst of these things and have a calm heart.

May God grant us all calm hearts that hope in Him this New Year.

Figuring Out Friendship

It was over a year ago now, I ran into a friend I hadn't seen in a long time. When we first became friends, we saw each other quite frequently and would go walking on the Constitution Trail. In the winter we would walk around the mall. But she got serious with someone and they eventually got married. She was also trying to pay off some bills, so they both started working at night cleaning offices. When the bills were paid off, they decided they liked the income, so they kept working and then on the weekends jaunted off on trips.

Over the course of paying off bills and such, I called less and less because it seemed harder and harder to maneuver a way to get together. It just kind of happened over time that we didn't see each other. When I ran into her over a year ago, she said flatly, "My mother died and you didn't call."

I tried to apologize and explained that I didn't get the paper, that I hadn't known. Her face was stern. The question on my mind later was, "If you wanted to talk, why didn't you call me?"

I understand that she was hurt, but I wasn't sure how I was to know unless she or husband or someone called. I don't get the paper. I probably wouldn't look at the obituaries if I did. I definitely don't go online to look them up. I hadn't meant to be neglectful just as I'm sure she hadn't meant to neglect all the goings on in my life. But the blame was there.

Yesterday I got an email that set my teeth on edge. Again it was a blame kind of thing. I met a woman early this year from church. I had called and we had done something a handful of times. She quit coming to church but I still called a few times. The last time we were set to get together, I had called at the last minute. She didn't have anything going on. I hadn't had a very good day. I went to the restaurant and was waiting for her when she called to cancel. It seemed she had gotten a better offer.

I was hurt but it was nothing that couldn't be mended. But, I figured that since she had canceled I would wait and let her call to reschedule. It was a relatively new friendship and I didn't want to fall into the routine of being the only one to initiate. That was probably the end of April and I never heard from her until yesterday. And then I got the "You must be really angry since you haven't called." But she hadn't called either. Maybe I shouldn't have, but I emailed her back and pointed this out. I don't know where it leaves us.

In most relationships, there seems to be a person who is asked and a person who does the asking. I think it is rarely 50-50. But it does get tiresome to always be the asker.

The question I am pondering is "How do we take friendhsips as they are?" Some people are the initiators. But I don't know that the people on the other side of the friendship value it any less. Still, that is the trap I can fall into.

So, here are some questions for you that might shed some light on things for me:

• Are you an initiator? If so, do you get your feelings hurt when others don't initiate with you?
• If you aren't an initiator, how do you feel like you communicate value in a friendship?
• What is one rule of thumb you have in making and keeping friends?

Sometimes I wish that we could go back to being children. I'm fascinated by how easily children can pick up friends. The girl they met in the McDonald's play space is quickly included in the list of friends. If you are not watching closely, they are making plans to meet again at the same time next week (even if they can't drive and don't have money) because they have formed a best friend club. And then there are boys with their pickup basketball games. To children it seems that all the world is a friend.

Maybe because we don't play on jungle gyms anymore, it is harder for adults to form those relationships. Yes, I know these aren't life long relationships, but still it seems an easier way to begin and has many more chances than our grownup renditions.

Not What They Appear -- Hope Chronicles 38

Several years ago I lived in Bloomington, Indiana. I was on staff with InterVarsity Christian Fellowship and struggling a bit to make ends meet on my own. A family offered to have me live in their basement. I paid some rent and supplemented this with helping with the kids. We opted to try it for six months but it worked so well that it lasted three years!

When I first moved in, they were in the process of putting in a bathroom in the basement. Until it was done, I used the guest bathroom upstairs. One night I got up to use the bathroom. Not wanting to wake anyone, I walked in the dark and didn't flip the light on until I reached my destination. "Silly, cat!" I whispered and then -- in terror -- I slammed the door! It had clicked in my sleepy mind that the tail I saw protruding from behind the toilet was ringed rather than pure grey.

I knocked on Jerry and Dana's door and announced that there was a raccoon in the bathroom. Neither believed me and told me that it was the cat. I insisted that Jerry check. Sure enough, there was a raccoon now caught in the bathroom!

The shape was right from behind. The coloring was right. It just took me a moment to notice that the tail was a bit off and things were not what they appeared.

After reading some antics that happened at Amy's "In My Life" site involving reptiles in the toilet, it got me thinking about that night. As I've thought about it, I've pondered how often things are not as they appear: physically, emotionally, relationally, and spiritually.

Physically

We all know there is no such thing as magic and that magicians use slight of hand to make us think we're seeing something we're not. (But it is still amazing and I so wish I could learn the quarter out of the ear trick.) Just like magicians, we make things in our lives look differently than they are:

• Hiding things in the closet when company comes
• Plucking the offending gray hair
• Putting on our faces
• Acting as though things are one way when they aren't

In the animal kingdom, I can think of two things start out very differently than what they will become: the fuzzy caterpillar and the ugly duckling. Maybe I should make that three because scripture teaches that even we aren't what we will one day be. No, I don't mean the aging process we fight so hard.

Emotionally

I think most of us put on fronts. We pretend we are doing better than we actually are. We smile when we feel like crying. If someone asks how we are it is a "Great!" or "Fine!" We tell ourselves and others that this or that hurt, slight, or disappointment, doesn't matter anyway.

Relationally

Even here we can pretend that things are different than they actually are. We pretend we aren't angry or hurt when we are. We pretend we are the best daughter or friend or wife or mother or church member . . . there ever was. We find our importance in relation to those around us rather than in relation to our heavenly Father.

Spiritually

Yes, we can pretend that we are doing better in this area than we actually are. We can quote scripture and teach Sunday school. We can make a meal for someone who is ill or just not let anyone see how closely the pastor's lesson struck home with us.

In lots of ways, we have the right shape, the right color, but deep down we know that something is off. There are rings on that tail that should be solid!

I'm rereading and thinking, "That doesn't sound very hopeful!" But there is hope in the fact that things are not what they appear. Not that we should all go pretending -- not that. Rather there is hope in knowing the end of the story even if we don't know the twists and turns that it will take to get there.

Physically, emotionally, relationally, the world seems to be in a piteous state: global warming, war, disease, school shootings, drugs, . . . . But the hope is in that it will all one day be renewed. As scripture says, even creation waits in eager expectation (Romans 8:19-21 (NIV)):

The creation waits in eager expectation for the sons of God to be revealed. For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God.

All the pretense and pretending will one day fade away. It will become clear that things are not what they appear when the glory of God shines all around. It's hidden now, but one day it won't be so. There is hope in knowing that I am not yet what I will be but I am becoming. There is hope in knowing the one who is changing me and all His creation.

While there is hope in that, the challenge of all this is letting ourselves be real with one another while we wait. In doing so, I think we might find hope in God's community. So the next time you are tempted to say "Great!" (of course unless you really are), think about if the tail is solid or has rings!

Sometimes the Little Things are the Big Things

Sometimes the little things are the big things. Oh, they may look little to us, but they are big to someone else. We may do them almost flippantly (though I'm not sure that is the word I'm looking for) without knowing the profound impact they have on those around us.

About 3 weeks ago, I finished up the Financial Peace class at my church. I provided dessert that night -- chocolate chip cookies and Peanut Butter Chocolate Pie. Both were a hit. On Sunday, Mike said to me, "You should make that pie for community group." At our next group meeting, I showed up with the pie. Mike said, "You'll never know what that means that you brought that."

We didn't have time for a lengthy discussion. And part of me didn't know what to make of it because it was just pie. But the more I thought about it, the more it dawned on me that it wasn't the pie that was the important piece. The important slice was that I listened and responded appropriately.

I told someone about the rough weekend I had. It was just an emotional blur. I can't say I really know her, but yesterday she called just to see how I was doing. I would have loved to talk to her, but she ended up getting voice mail. Still, that voice mail was enough to lift my spirits a bit. I'm sure it was something little to her but it was a big thing for me.

Everyday we have the opportunity to do little things that may (unbeknown to us) be big things to someone else.

First To Say "Hello"

I went to the mall today. Apparently, there is something wrong with my X chromosomes because I avoid the mall at all costs. I'm devoid of the "female shopping" gene. In fact, I don't remember the last time I went to the mall. No -- it wasn't at Christmas. It had to be way before that! (To pay for Christmas this year, I got a part time, seasonal job at Barnes and Noble. So, practically everyone, with very few exceptions, got something I could pick up there. The pay could be better, but the discount was really nice!)

But, a friend is having a birthday soon and I hadn't run across anything yet to get her. (No luck at the mall either! Which means I may have to go back and look some more or think of something creative.) Shopping for me is a sprinting event. First, you need to know exactly where you are going. Second, you devise the plan as how to get there and get out. Third, you only look at the things that jump out and bite you! Unfortunately, that technique doesn't always work.

I was walking briskly through Kohls, scanning things. A high pitched little voice exclaimed, "Hi!" I slowed and realized that the tyke in the stroller was talking to another woman who was passing. She yelled, "Hi!" again to the woman. As I neared, she shouted, "Hi!" to me as well. "Hi! Hi! Hi!" Being an all around kid-friendly person, I slowed and smiled and said, "Hi, there!" This delighted her. She turned to watch as I passed -- yelling her greeting. I waved and smiled.

Really, she was irresistible. Who could not respond to such a friendly greeting?

But it got me to thinking. I wondered if she will always be the kind of person who is the first to say, "Hello!" or if something will shift as she grows up. Honestly, I hope it doesn't.

I don't know that I was ever the kind of child who would go through a store cheerily shouting, "Hi!" I was pretty shy and reserved and didn't do much to call attention to myself. But I wish I had been that kind of child and I definitely wish I was that kind of adult.

Here is a question for you. Are you the kind of person who is always the first to say, "Hello" or are you the kind who waits to see what the waters hold? That is to say, the kind who waits for another to initiate.

I am the later. As I've thought about it today, I think it is largely fear based. There's less rejection if I don't "put myself out there" by saying, "Hi!" I think it also shows more of a concern with my comfort than yours. Who wouldn't want a friendly greeting?

With awareness comes responsibility. So, I guess I need to work on my friendly "Hello" for tomorrow. Who knows what will come of it when I am willing to risk and willing to put someone else's comfort ahead of my own? I think it is what God is calling me to.

So, let's start now -- "Hello there!"

First Contact

"I should move to the middle of nowhere and just become a hermit." I've had this thought at times. It's not very practical given that I have absolutely zero survival skills in the wilderness. I'ld starve to death in no time flat.

Typically, this thought is born out of a sense of isolation. If I were in the middle of nowhere, I wouldn't be disappointed by people and things. I would know that I had no cell phone reception, so no one would be calling or writing or whatever. I wouldn't be disappointed. But I also don't think I would be happy.

C.S. Lewis wrote, "We are born helpless. As soon as we are fully conscious, we discover loneliness. We need other physically, emotionally, intellectually; we need them if we are to know anything, even ourselves." I found this quote in a magazine 20 odd years ago. I was so struck by it, I cut it out and taped it into the front cover of my favorite Bible.

But connecting in our busy world takes a lot of time. There are phones and e-mails to answer. (Rather than freeing us, I think cell phones and text messaging may have just made our leashes longer and given us more rope to hang ourselves!) There are schedules to arrange. I understand all of that, but there is still that longing.

There is a book out called The Five Love Languages. It's meant for married people, but I think it applies to singles as well. The love languages are touch, service, words of affirmation, gifts, and quality time.

My primary love langauge is quality time. I crave uninterrupted quality time. We can even be doing something together but I need to feel connected. For example, my all time favorite day was with my friend Jill about a year ago. I needed her advice on office space. She went with me to see the spaces I had narrowed down and then we went to lunch. After that, we headed to her house to do some Thanksgiving preparation. It wasn't so much that it was a heavy talk time. It was being together uninterrupted. I just felt so connected.

But as I've been thinking about it lately, I realize that just as much as I crave that time with others, God craves that time with me. I do it, but sometimes "His time" is fit in amongst all the other myriad details of my life. Sometimes, it is in fits and pieces, starts and stops.

He wants to connect even more than I do. Perhaps, if I realign my priorities and make that time more central, some of that craving will be eased.

I read a book a number of years ago regarding gender roles. While I won't open that can of worms in this post, one thought has always stuck with me. I probably won't say it right. While God created Eve to help fulfill that need for community within Adam, Eve's first contact was not with Adam. Her first, most primal, contact was with God when He formed her from Adam's side.

Her first most primal contact was with God. And isn't that true for us as well in that God "knit us together in our mother's womb?" Perhaps, God is calling me to renew that "first most primal contact" with Him.

_______________________________________________________
Somewhat of a sidenote, I received a really lovely comment from someone today on my "Deadman's Crawl" post. I wanted to write you back, but found that I couldn't. So, if you commented on that post, check it out. I've responded to you there. And thank you -- it meant a lot.

Say It All Out Loud

Last year it snowed right before Valentine's Day and it snowed the day of. It snowed so much the night before, I thought we would have to change our Valentine's plans. While it was still dreadfully cold, the snow relented and Bill and I and Mark and Jill made it to the dinner theater/show. (Jill lost her gloves somewhere there. We never did find them, but it made picking out a birthday present easy for her for later in the month. )

I remember being in a bit of a tizzy about what to get Bill for Valentine's Day. Having never dated much, I didn't have a clue. What would say to much? What wouldn't say enough? We had only been dating since November and had navigated Christmas and then his birthday January 14th. For Christmas I got him a Bible that helps you read it through in a year and the book I helped write. He had been asking to read it, but I was shy about giving it to him. I made him promise to read the whole thing and not just my chapters. (And he did, but he read my chapters first!) For his birthday he got slippers. Okay, that's kind of a practical gift. I typically like presents to have meaning behind them. But we were at the mall and he looked at them and really liked them and had been complaining for a month about the hole in his. Oh, and we also spent a whole day together in Chicago.

A month later, Valentine's rolls around. As I said before, I didn't have much experience in this holiday. Nothing jumped out at me. There was nothing he needed or hinted that he wanted. So, I had to get creative. I decided on two things. The first was making a peanut butter pie. I had never had one and definitely had never made one. But he had always talked about how good his mother's was. His mother had passed away a number of years before and there was no way to get that recipe. I don't think Bill even had it. I scoured the internet and came up with a simple pie recipe and decorated it with a Hershey Kisses shaped in a heart. The second gift was a heart felt letter.

I think they were good gifts. They made sense to me on an emotional level and I hoped they had meaning. But looking back, I also think the letter was my way of not taking a risk. I never heard my parents say, "I love you." I never saw any affection between them. Navigating this was really uncharted territory. So, I did what I felt safe with. I wrote.

Bill passed away unexpectedly the end of April last year. While I did manage to say, "I love you" at times, I never said it as much as I thought it. I never said it with as much depth as I wrote it or felt it. It was my fear of rejection or looking silly or sappy or whatever that kept me from it. But I knew that Bill longed to hear it. So, I wish instead of writing it that I had read it to him. I wish that I had said it out loud with all the depth there was behind it.

Whatever it is, say it out loud or in whatever way the person you love (children, friends, spouse) will hear it best. Don't let fear or embarrassment or whatever holds you back rob you and them. Say it out loud! Life is too short not to.