But God -- Hope Chronicles 92

Yesterday, I posted "No But's." While there are no but's to God's truth, there is a time when but becomes a word of hope. it is when it is coupled with God. "But God . . . ."

The story that sticks out to me the most is the one of Jonah. It's nice and short, so you could easily give it a quick read. (Hint, hint.) Short version: God called Jonah to go and preach to the the city of Nineveh. Jonah turns and runs the other way. But God sends a storm to wreck havoc on the ship that Jonah is on. The sailors throw Jonah overboard to appease God. I'm sure Jonah thought he was going to die. But the Lord provided a great fish to swallow Jonah. Jonah was in the fish for 3 days. (Yuck!). When the fish spits him onto the shore, Jonah finally goes to preach to Nineveh. However, when the people repent, Jonah is even more angry. He stalks off into the desert. God makes a vine grow up to give him shade. However, the next day, it is eaten by a worm. Jonah is so angry he wants to die. But the Lord replied, "You have been concerned about this vine, though you did not tend it or make it grow. It sprang up overnight and died overnight. But Nineveh has more than a hundred and twenty thousand people who cannot tell their right hand from their left, and many cattle as well. Should I not be concerned about that great city?"

"But God" juxtaposes the difference between man and God. In Jonah it shows Jonah's shallow concerns and God's compassion on 120,000 people.

In other places it shows God's provision:

• Genesis 45:7 "But God sent me ahead of you to preserve for you a remnant on earth . . . ."
• Genesis 48:21 "I am about to die, but Godwill be with you."
• Psalm 118:13 I was pushed back and about to fall, but the Lord helped me."
  
• Acts 2:24 in regards to Jesus "But God raised him from the dead, freeing him from the agony of death, because it was impossible for death to keep its hold on him."
• Acts 7:5 "He gave him no inheritance here, not even a foot of ground. But God promised him that he and his descendants after him would possess the land, even though at the time Abraham had no child."
  

It shows God's compassion:

• 2 Samuel 14:14 "Like water spilled on the ground, which cannot be recovered, so we must die. But God does not take away life; instead, he devises ways so that a banished person may not remain estranged from him."
• 2 Kings 13:23 "But the Lord was gracious to them and had compassion and showed concern for them . . . ."
  
• Romans 5:8 "But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us."
• 2 Cornithians 7: 6 "But God, who comforts the downcast, comforted us by the coming of Titus . . . .
  

It shows God's protection:

• Psalm 64:7 "But God will shoot them with arrows; suddenly they will be struck down."
• Psalm 14:6 "You evildoers frustrate the plans of the poor, but the Lord is their refuge."
  
• Exodus 9:4 "But the Lord will make a distinction between the livestock of Israel and that of Egypt, so that no animal belonging to the Israelites will die."
• Numbers 14:9 "Only do not rebel against the Lord and do not be afraid f the people of the land, because we will swallow them up. Their protection is gone, but the Lord is with us."
  

It shows that God hears us:

• Pslam 66:19 "but God has surely listened and heard my voice in prayer."

It shows that God is not always what we expect:

• 1Kings 19:11-12 Elijah is told to go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the Lord. There is wind, fire, and earthquake. "but the Lord was not in the wind . . . . but the Lord was not in the earthquake . . . . but the Lord was not in the fire." Elijah recognizes the Lord in the gentle whisper.
  

"But God" -- words of hope.

No But's -- Hope Chronicles 91

Do you ever have times where you are unconsciously thinking something, where you are not really aware of the conclusion you've come to until it pops out of your mouth? I had that happen about a month ago. I was meeting with my counselor, Julie. It was a tearful session. Part way through, these words slipped out, "Why does God hate me?"

Julie didn't even pause. "What does the Bible say?"

"That God loves me, that Jesus died for me." Big sigh. "But . . . ."

Julie cut me off. "No but's"

Honestly, hadn't been aware that I had come to that conclusion. Maybe it wasn't even a full conclusion yet, but a whisper from Satan. "If God loved you, you wouldn't struggle so much. If God loved you, He would protect you. If God loved you, ____________."

However, even if it wasn't a full conclusion, I was more than willing to say "But" to the truth that God loves me.

"No but's" has stuck with me. There are no rebuttals to truth. Truth simply is. When we waste our time wrestling against truth, we are distracted, exhausted, unhappy, angry, . . . . There is no rest.

What do you have to say "No but's" to today?

Sometimes You Want to Go Where Everybody Knows Your Name -- Hope Chronicles 89

This week I've helped out some with my church's VBS -- entitled Kamp KidStuf. It's an offshoot of something we do every week during the school year. My role has been to take pictures. A couple nights ago, during a lull, I wandered outside. A father was saying that his 4-year-old (not from our church) wasn't sure he wanted to come. His explanation: "No one will say 'Jack'!"

Happily, he was wrong. The observant teacher read his nametag right away and called him by name. His fear of joining in was that no one would know him.

Honestly, that is one of my biggest fears too. It is the thing that makes me most timid.

The conversation reminded me of a show that aired when I was in highschool -- Cheers. It was set in a Boston bar called Cheers. The theme song went like this (be glad you cannot hear me sing):

Sometimes you want to go where everybody knows your name
And they're always glad you came
You want to go where people know
People are all the same
Sometimes you want to go where everybody knows your name

Isn't that the truth? There is something so refreshing, so meaningful about being called by your name. It reminds me of last year when I went to She Speaks 2008. No sooner than I had stepped out of the car then Lysa Terkeurst yelled at me from behind, "Amy!"

Later that night I was working on my talk in the hotel lobby. Lisa Whittle scared me from behind. We had never met, but she recognized me from my blog and greeted me warmly.

The next day I was at dinner with people I had never met. Most of us blogged and we were sharing our site names. I said, "My blog is God's Work In Progress. . . ." Sharon, across the table, let out a shriek. "You're Amy L Brooke. You're AMY L BROOKE!" For a moment, I thought she was mocking me for some reason I couldn't fathom. It turns out that she had read my little corner of blogdom and was that excited to meet me.

Do those things happen every day? No. They don't even happen on a semi annual basis. But God blessed me that weekend by giving me that sense of "everybody knowing my name." More importantly, it was great reminder of the fact that God knows my name.

God knows my name. The God of the universe who fashioned billions of people knows me intimately. He calls me his child. He never fumbles around as we sometimes do, "Andrea, Amanda, who ever you are!" I am never out of his mind, never out of his sight, never out of the reach of His hand. That is a wondrous hope when I start to feel like one of many or even like no one in particular. God knows my name.

Remembering those events from She Speaks 2008, makes me want to be even more adapt at remembering the names of those around me and if I don't know them, sincerely greeting them like Sharon greeted me -- excited for the opportunity. Imagine the hope that might pass on.

The Timing of Hope -- Hope Chronicles 87

Recently, I found two adorable small leather Bibles with horses on the cover. They are geared towards kids and I knew just the two little girls they would be perfect for. Catch -- their birthdays were a couple months out. I got them, thinking I would wait to send them. I couldn't. I sent them with a note and told them this was to help stretch their birthdays out.

Patience has never been my strong suit.

I know that we are told that we need to wait on God. However, I sometimes bemoan how slow the waiting seems. I want things to happen now. In the midst of difficult situations, this lack of patience can cause me to despair. "What if ____ never happens?"

So I am utterly amazed at Abraham. God promises him a family that will out number the stars. Yet, he had to wait years and years to have the one son God promised him and the one Sarah helped along. In fact, God's promise of Abraham's descendants out numbering the stars didn't happen in Abraham's lifetime.

To hope means to be ready at every moment for that which is not yet born, and yet not become desperate if there is no birth in our lifetime.

Erich Fromm

How do you not become desperate? I think -- and this is so hard to do -- that it is constantly reminding yourself of who God is. God cannot lie. What He says he will do, will come to pass. But we also have to remember that God's time and our time are often two different things.

In the waiting, I need to learn to rest in what I know about God.

Focus -- Hope Chronicles 86

When I was a child, I was told I had an astigmatism in one eye. However, my eyes compensated just fine. My vision was 20/20.

My dad had glasses for as long as I can remember. My younger sister had glasses as a child. My mom got reading glasses sometime when I was in late elementary school. So, in some ways I wasn't surprised when things started seeming a bit out of focus this winter. At first I thought it was just when I was tired and I needed to catch up on sleep. Then I noticed that I would sometimes get a headache. In May, having not seen an optometrist for at least 10 years, I called and made an appointment.

To my dismay, My suspicion was right. I need glasses. There isn't just one but several things going on with my eyes. Sigh again. I picked them up late Friday afternoon. They actually told me not to wear them driving for about a week and to use caution as my eyes would be adjusting and my depth perception might be off!

It has gotten me thinking about focus. Not only have my eyes seemed out of whack recently, but for the last 5 or 6 months, my entire life has seemed off kilter.

In December I finished up my year of writing about hope. I was pleased with how it had helped me focus. But not having that commitment to write about it weekly, I lost some of the focus. So, I think I am going to pick it up again. I need the hope. Here is to a renewed focus on HOPE.

Letting Your Guard Down -- Hope Chronicles 86

My cats trust me. They greet me at the door. Mali begs to have her chin scratched. Katy does a cat scratch and then rolls on her side or back for a belly rub. Both are signs of trust -- particularly the belly rub. For all practical purposes, it puts Katy in a vulnerable position. It's hard to move fast from that position, it's hard to escape. She willingly lets her guard down.

This weekend I had company. My friends brought their dog, Ike. Katy bolted as soon as he appeared and hid under the dresser. Mali stayed out but put Ike in his place with a clawed swipe at his nose and a hiss. (I think this perplexed poor Ike. He lives with a cat and just wanted to say, "Hello.")

At night both of them sleep with me. Katy goes as far as to paw at the covers around my neck until I let her under the covers and proceed to rub her belly. I worked Saturday night. My company was in bed when I came in with Ike closed in the bedroom with them. Katy finally decided to venture out when I did my soft, ritual call, "Katy, Katy love. Katy, Katy love." We commenced with the routine. But then from down the hall, both cats heard Ike rattle the tags on his collar.

Mali opted to sleep on top of the tallest dresser. Katy spent the night beneath the dresser. No amount of coaxing would convince her to come out.

I love that in general they both trust me so much. But as I've thought about their reaction that night, it showed me that they only trust me to a certain extent. After that, they decided to fend for themselves.

I would like to say that I trust God completely. But I think I am often like Katy and Mali. I'm willing to show my soft, vulnerable belly to a certain extent. Throw in an unknown element and I make for the safety beneath the dresser.

Do you have things you only trust God with so far? Relationships are a big one for me. I have a hard time handing them to God and not wanting to grab them back. My anxiety over finances at times shows a similar inclination to trust God completely with them.

But scripture tells us that we can trust God with all things -- even the deepest desires of our hearts. Proverbs 3:5 says:

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart needs to take precedence over my understanding of things. Why can I trust Him? The evidence is in promises kept -- to me and throughout history.

• He promised to make Abram/Abraham a great nation.
• He promised to rescue His people.
• He promised to send a redeemer.
• He promised that He would never leave us nor forsake us.
• He promised to send a comforter, the Holy Spirit.

Hindsight is 20/20. When I look back on my life I see God's faithfulness. He brought a child of brokenness out of the darkness when He called me in the midst of the violence of my family. He has helped me find others to be family with. When I look back, I can see that He never left me.

We can have hope for all the promises kept throughout history that point to all the promises He will keep until He brings us all to be with Him in his glory.

Next time I want to sprint under the dresser, I need to pause and choose to be vulnerable before Him and let His touch comfort my anxiety because I know Him as a keeper of promises.

God and GE Light Bulbs -- Hope Chronicles 85

Many years ago there was an experiment that was done by GE. Or if it wasn't done by GE they used GE light bulbs. (I studied this in college and that was many moons ago, so please forgive the fact that I don't remember every detail.) The goal was to find out if the employees worked better with more light. The employees knew about the study going on. As the light increased, the work product increased. To make sure that the light was the causative factor, the researchers decided to then try lowering the lights. To their amazement, lowering the lights also caused an increase in production. What were they to make of that?

They finally came to the conclusion. It wasn't the light that caused the increase in productivity. Rather, it was the fact that the employees were being given attention. Even the decrease in light was subconsciously perceived as attention.

Why do I share this? I think there are a couple of reasons. First, I recently moved into more of a management position at my full time job. It's been an interesting transition going from one of the gang to management. I've yet to personally need to come down really hard on people. My correction style is typically "I just wanted to point this out to you. Watch out for this in the future please." It has been well received, I think. I've also encouraged people to come ask questions whenever they have them. This is particularly crucial because we have 3 relatively new employees in a office that completely totals 7. Yet, every time I ask someone to come into my office, the first question is "What did I do?" Honestly, this perplexes me. I've actually, more times than not, asked people in to get their input on something or give a compliment. I think it is just the perception of being in management.

A couple days ago I publicly asked one of the employees to come in so I could "borrow his brain" for a few minutes. He has actually been there the second longest, second only to my boss. I was working on an employee training program. Since he knows more than I do at this point in some areas, I wanted his input. What touched me was that at the end of the conversation, he thanked me three times for asking his opinion. He said sometimes he feels side-lined. To me, it felt like one of those "GE light bulb" moments for him.

I wonder what giving attention to those around us, outside of employees, does for the relationship and their self-esteem. If you have kids, do they get your attention? What about other family members? What about friends?

Lastly, I thought about what does my giving my attention to God do? I'm sure it pleases him. But, actually, it probably doesn't do much in the same sense as the GE light bulbs. I'm pretty sure God's self esteem is intact. With what I know about God, while my attention pleases Him, it doesn't make Him respond more to me or give me my every prayer and desire.

So, I realized that with God, I was asking the wrong question. It should be, what does giving God my attention do to me?

• It makes me more aware of Him in each moment of my life
• It helps me focus on His will.
• It teaches me things about myself and things about Him
• It changes my heart, my mind, and my soul.

God desires my attention, but the change happens in my soul as I realize that I fully have His attention, love, and care, every moment of each day. There is great hope in knowing that.

I Cannot Tell -- Hope Chronicles 84

Recently, I found myself in a discussion about the second coming of Christ. Someone pressed me a bit on it, but I stayed true to my answer. It is not something I have studied extensively so I am hesitant to take a firm stance on if the rapture will happen pre or post the millineum. I do not know if the things written in Revelation are literal or figurative.

I do know that many people missed Jesus' first coming because they were so entrenched in their belief of what a king and his coming kingdom would look like. When you think King, you do not think of a baby, swaddled in a manger. You do not picture a boy in hand me down clothes or with sawdust in his hair. You do not picture a man riding on a donkey instead of a great stead. You do not picture the cross. Even more than that you do not picture a rolled away tombstone.

In many ways, I cannot fault so many for missing Jesus when he did not come like any king they knew. But that is the rub. He wasn't and isn't like any king they knew.

I went to a hymn singing Methodist church during my junior high and high school days. But it wasn't until I was in InterVarsity as a college student that I came across the hymn by William Young Fullerton called I Cannot Tell. Even then, the only place I have ever heard it sung was sporadically at camp. To be honest, the range does not lend itself to something I can sing well. However, the lyrics captured my mind and embedded themselves in my heart.

If you've never heard this hymn (and even if you have), will you take the time to read the words? It alternates between "I cannot tell" and "This I know". In my estimation, it is a song of hope of who He was and is and who He will finally come as.

I cannot tell why He whom angels worship
Should set His love upon the sons of men
Or why, as Shepherd, He should seek the wanderers
To bring them back, they know not how or when.
But this I know, that He was born of Mary
When Bethlehem's manger was His only home,
And that He lived at Nazareth and laboured,
And so the Saviour, Saviour, of the world is come.

I cannot tell how silently He suffered,
As with His peace He graced this place of tears,
Or how His heart upon the cross was broken,
The crown of pain to three and thirty years.
But this I know, He heals the broken-hearted,
And stays our sin, and calms our lurking fear,
And lifts the burden from the heavy laden,
For yet the Saviour, Saviour of the world, is here

I cannot tell how He will win the nations,
How He will claim His earthly heritage
How satisfy the needs and aspirations
Of east and west, of sinner and of sage.
But this I know, all flesh shall see His glory,
and He shall reap the harvest He has sown,
And some glad day His sun shall shine in splendour
When He the Saviour, Saviour of the world is known

I cannot tell how all the lands shall worship
When, at His bidding, every storm is stilled,
Or who can say how great the jubiliation
When all the hearts of men with love are filled.
But this I know, the skies will thrill with rapture,
And myriad, myriad human voices sing,
And earth to heaven, and heaven to earth will answer:
At last the Saviour, Saviour of the world is King.

So, when things turn to the second coming, I hesitate -- not because I doubt the second coming -- but because I do not want to miss a moment of it because of my preconceived ideas of what that will look like. I pray that my heart and soul would be tender enough to recognize my Lord when He comes in a whirlwind or a whisper. Better yet, I pray that I will recognize Him in the everyday dealings in my life. It is both a scary prayer and a hopeful prayer because I think it is one He is only too willing to answer.

I've found the last few months to be a daunting time with the economy and relationships and every manner of thing. I love the perspective of this song: His past, His present, His future. Tonight, I am particularly thankful and hopeful for who He is at work in my present circumstances:

But this I know, He heals the broken-hearted,
And stays our sin, and calms our lurking fear,
And lifts the burden from the heavy laden,
For yet the Saviour, Saviour of the world, is here

Merry Christmas. The Saviour of the world is here.

Crooked Sticks -- Hope Chronicles 82

There are lots of amazing things about the gospel:

• God chose an ordinary, uneducated girl rather than a wealthy, educated woman to give birth to His Son
  
• God chose a blue collar man rather than a Rabbi to raise His Son
• God chose to come as a helpless infant rather than a grown man just appearing
• God chose to allow Jesus to know hunger and thirst and temptation
• God chose the cross and the grave
• God chose to know separation from His Son when Jesus cried out "My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?"
• God chose uneducated men and women to start his church

It's all pretty amazing if you think about it. Jesus could have come as a king with a commanding army. His army could have been angels that would make every knee bow. He could have come as good looking but scripture indicates there was nothing to draw us to Him. He could have come with trumpets. He could have ridden Seabiscuit instead of a donkey.

Even today, there are lots of things God does that are amazing. It's amazing that God chooses to work through you and me. C.S. Lewis wrote:

The good news of the Gospel is that God draws straight lines with crooked sticks.

I don't know about you, but I'm a crooked stick. While I can be loving and kind and loyal, my moods are up and down. I can be stubborn. I can have bite in my words. I am a crooked stick. Yet God still uses me. I'm somehow still a part of his plan in spite of all my imperfections. He uses me to encourage the fellow employee at work, to help a child find his mother, to step in with a helping hand. He uses me to point to Him in my own imperfect way.

From one crooked stick to another, isn't it hope that God chooses to use us at all?

Code Adam -- Hope Chronicles 81

"Attention all booksellers. We have a Code Adam. Will please proceed to the door." If the words hadn't caught my attention, the urgency in her voice would have grabbed it.

Announcements over the speaker are pretty common. Typically, they are things like "Bookseller to the cafe at your convenience" or "Assistance to customer service."

Code Adam was not the usual message. Named for Adam Walsh who disappeared many years ago, "Code Adam" meant that we had a missing child hopefully still in the store." We were to go to customer service to get the distraction. Will would keep people from exiting.

I'm posting today at the Internet Cafe. Click here to finish reading this post.






PS: Scroll down for a cool Christmas giveaway link!

Change -- Hope Chronicles 80

I had the pleasure of spending Thanksgiving with Mark and Jill, their kids, and their extended families. I am thankful that they included me.

As we were driving back, I told Jill that it was coming up on a year since I started the Hope Chronicles. That was my goal -- to write for a year about different aspects of hope. Now my question is, do I keep on with them or do I change them to some other attribute like faith?

A couple weeks ago (Hope Chronicle 78) I shared a quote about how "hope tightens the heartstrings." I asked the question if any of you had seen a change in me. (Thanks for those who took the time to respond.) I also said that I would share, after hearing from you, what I thought.

I honestly think sharing and thinking about hope in a meaningful way has changed me. In A Bridge Called Hope, Kim Meeder writes:

In every honest, balanced, and meaningful way . . . hope stretches us to a new capacity . . . a previously unkown capacity to change.

I think that has been true for me. Writing about hope has stretched me. It has made me see hope in a different way. It has kept my thoughts focused on the positive instead of the negative.

Have there been bumps in the road? Yes. And I think that anytime we set our heart or mind to something like this, the enemy attacks. Satan hates hope. He hates the thought of it. He hates the hope we have.

Interestingly, this summer when I was feeling most hopeful, I feel like he attacked full force and brought me to my knees. For two weeks I had trouble writing/blogging about anything at all. He brought me to my knees. In some ways, that was a foolish thing to do, because on my knees in prayer was exactly where I needed to be. And I am thankful that God sent a supply of people to pray for me as well.

Hope has stretched me and changed me, but I have difficulty putting words to the change. It is a change of heart, a change of mind, a change of attitude.

It's interesting to write that after the beginning of last week. I was reminded of how much more change there is needed. Even my response to those words were not words of hope. I quickly threw up a wall of self-protection. The problem is that there is little hope alone behind a wall. But I am still feeling hurt and very vulnerable.

But after this year, I should know there is hope. There is hope to change because Jesus is all about changed lives. As impatient as we are with ourselves and others to change quickly, Jesus says, "I am here for the long haul." There is a world of hope in that.

Have I changed? Yes. Is there more to come? Yes.

But I wonder, should I continue on this adventure of hope or should my focus shift?

So, I'm setting up a poll. Please give me your feedback!

God Sees You -- Hope Chronicles 79

For five years I met with a boy in the Residential Treatment Center here in town. We met once a week for 2-3 hours. He was fixated on gadgets. He wanted to put back together broken things even though he had no clue what he was doing. If it was electronic, he was convinced he could make it happen. Amazingly, he did manage a few things, but often he needed help of some kind. (Note: my help was worthless when it came to electronics.)

I introduced him to baking. At 8 he had never helped make cookies from scratch. The first time went well. The second time he insisted that he knew what he was doing while cracking the eggs. He didn't want me to remind him how. I let him try twice. Two smashed eggs later he reluctantly let me put my hands on his and gently tap the bowl and separate the shell. (Thankfully, I had the foresight to have him attempt to crack them in a bowl apart from the batter.)

Aren't we all a lot like him -- imagining we are wiser or stronger than we really are? Usually, it leads to a mess of some kind.

I was reading today and read Pslam 33. Here are verses 16-22 (NIV). The emphasis is mine.

No king is saved by the size of his army;
no warrior escapes by his great strength.
A horse is a vain hope for deliverance;
despite all it's great strength it cannot save.
But the eyes of the Lord are on those
who fear him, on those whose HOPE
is in his unfailing love,
to deliver from death and keep them alive in famine.
We wait in hope for the Lord;
he is our help and our sheild.
In him our hearts rejoice
for we trust in his holy name.
May your unfailing love rest upon us, O' Lord
even as we put our hope in you.

So many times we try in vain. We are a delusional people in some sense. We have never out grown the two-year-old saying "ME DO IT!" to something that they cannot possibly do. While most of us don't put our hope in horses, we do put our hope in our abilities, our gifts, our position, our education, . . . . All of these things are vain hopes.

But we can have hope because "the eyes of the Lord are on those who fear him." We can have hope because God sees us. He looks down from the heights of heaven and sees you. He looks down and sees me. Knowing this lets us rest in/hope in his unfailing love.

But it is a choice to rest because you know God sees you, because you know he is your shield and your help. It is sometimes an act of will to hope in the midst of the raw circumstances of life: injury, death, a flailing economy, loneliness, depression.

That act of will, that choice is something called trust. It's when you hand the "egg" to the Lord and let Him help you crack it. When you put your hope in His unfailing love, you can rest in the fact that His eyes never waver from you, you are never out of His mind or sight for even a millisecond.

Can you make the choice to trust that God sees YOU all the time, everywhere? Can you trust that He has your best interest at heart -- no matter what comes? That is what it means to hope. We cannot hope when we do not trust.

The Truth Heals

It's Tuesday. While I enjoy Tuesdays, I didn't really want this one to come. It's the last chapter of Lisa Whittle's book hosted by Lelia. It's been fun to share with everyone what God is doing and even have the author chime in.

Everyone says that the truth will set you free. But what truth will set you free: the truth. It's not just any old truth out there that in our day and age may not be truth at all. It's the truth about who we are in relationship to Jesus.

Lisa share's several truths that sum up the truth (her words in blue):
Truth #1: Recognition -- God created you exactly the way you are, with your unique personality and temperament, since He is incapable of making a mistake.

I know this is true, but honestly, I have a hard time believing it at times. I often times feel like a mistake -- something that was just thrown together from left over bits. The truth is that God knit me together in my mother's womb. I use to knit and would frequently drop stitches. Somehow I have a hard time believing God has ever dropped a stitch. So, why is it so hard for me to believe that He created me just the way I am suppose to be?

Truth #2: God created you with a free will to choose your behavior and mess up your own life.

Ouch. But I know it is true. I make choices that impact my life every day. Some of them are good and some of them are bad. And sometimes other people's choices impact me. But, ultimately, even when they impact me I am given another choice in how I respond. My life is very much about the choices I have made and continue to make.

Truth #3: Resolution

God wants us to figure out who we are in Him and not try to be someone else. Really, that is what this whole book has been about -- our tendency to try to be someone we're not. God made us for a purpose. Maybe all the pretending gets in the way of what God is doing in our lives and the lives of others.

We are imperfect, flawed. But Jesus has chosen to bestow His grace on us. We need to grapple with that truth, the truth of His love and care, to really become who we were meant to be.

I love the idea of choices. In essence that is what I have done with both my Hope Chronicles and my 40 to 40. The first was a choice to choose hope consistently for a year. The second is a choice to choose gratitude and a different outlook on turning 40. So, this year I have tried to make good choices that hopefully point to Him.

What choice can you make that might draw you closer to Him?

Tuning Heartstrings -- Hope Chronicles 78

As you all know, I'm reflecting on the entire turning 40 thing. But it is also coming up on a year since I began my journey of hope, so I am reflective about that too! Rather than just an activity, I have longed for it to be something that sinks deep roots in my heart and changes me.

In less than a year, I've written 78 Hope Chronicles. That is a lot of thinking about hope. But has it gone from my head to my heart?

I came across this quote recently. It is quoted as being out of the Telescope-Messenger. I'm not sure what that is, but I thought the quote was interesting:

We need hope for living, far more than for dying. . . . Dying is a moment's transition; living a transaction of years. It is the length of the rope that puts the sag in it. Hope tightens the words and tunes up the heartstrings.

So, I am asking you this question -- both you who know me and those who only know me here in blogland -- has hope tightened my words and tuned up my heartstrings? I'll let you know what I think in another post, but I would really love to know what you think. It can be a yes or no or in some ways . . . .

Never Hopeless -- Hope Chronicles 77

Have you ever felt hopeless about a situation or someone else or even yourself? I know that in the face of depression I can feel hopeless. The fall, the coming of the holiday season always tugs me towards depression. I think it is that there are so many hard memories gathered up there. They are what the psychological community would call triggers.

I'm mindful of them at the moment. I am trying to choose hope. I suppose that is what the 40 to 40/Practice Gratitude posts are about.

But while I am mindful, I know there is a sense of desperation, of wanting God to zap whatever issue I am facing -- financial, relationships, health, and depression. I want it all gone. But the question rises up if I believe that God wants to heal those things in my life. I am discovering the heart of mistrust.

I came across this quote from Charles L Allen:

"When you say a situation or a person is hopeless, you are slamming the door in the face of God."

Ouch. I love metaphors, word pictures. The idea of slamming the door in the face of God is visually and almost audibly horrifying to me. It is most horrifying because I know that I do it.

Julie, my counselor, has called me on it at times. No, she hasn't used those words or that quote. However, at times she cautions me on some of the things I say like, "Why keep trying?" or "Things will never get better." Sometimes she cautions that God may take me at my word.

I don't want to slam the door in the face of God any longer. Rather I want to be the woman recorded in Mark 5:21-33 who reached for Jesus' hem, faithfully believing that if she reached out to touch him her twelve years of suffering would end. Jesus felt the power leave him. He stopped and asked in the great press of a crowd who had touched him? She comes trembling, probably sure of a rebuke. But Jesus tells her, "Daughter, you faith has healed you. God in peace and be freed from your suffering."

After 12 years of suffering, I would think that she would have to have felt hopeless. No doctor had been able to relieve her suffering. She must have prayed. She must have asked why.

What is so appealing about her is that even in the midst of the suffering she does not give up. She pushes through the crowd and has the courage to hope enough to reach out and touch Jesus.

I know several people I care about are suffering in one way or another right now. My prayer today is that each of us would not slam and not allow the door to be slammed by others in the face of God. May we keep reaching because God is ever present, ever reaching down to take us by the hand and either heal us or walk through that place of suffering with us. He never leaves us. There is always hope.

Accepted, Flaws and All -- Hope Chronicles 76

Yes, it is Tuesday and that means it's book day at Lelia's. First, though, I must apologize for wigging out on it last week. Honestly, I read it but didn't have time to do much more than come home, feed the cats, go to my second job, sleep, and do it all over again the next day. That's my excuse, but I've got time tonight.

Flaws. I've got them. I'm heavier than I would like to be. I struggle with depression. I can be snappish and mean at times. I get caught up in everything going on with me. You get the picture. There are a few things that might make me seem a bit unloveable and definitely unacceptable.

Lisa writes, "The depth of God's love for us is hard to comprehend. So are the height, the width, and the breadth of His love. our human minds will not allow us to process the greatness of the love of our Father because we are programmed by the world's view of love, which has great limitations." Limitations. Isn't that the truth? The world says, "I'll love you if . . . ." God says, "I'll love you in spite of . . . . I'll love you when you shine and I'll love you when you're down. I'll love you all the way around the world, to the moon and back again. I cannot love you less."

The truly amazing thing about God's love is that He does love in spite of. He knows all of my flaws and failures. J. I. Packer writes in Knowing God:

. . . There is tremendous relief in knowing that His love to me is utterly realistic, based at every point on a prior knowledge of the worst about me, so that no discovery now can disillusion him about me, in the way I am so often disillusioned about myself, and quench His determination to bless me.

God's love is utterly realistic. Because of that, I can find great comfort. God loves me in spite of knowing the worst about me.

But He also is always inviting me to grow.

The hard part, I think, is that in knowing this fact, God also expects me to try to love others in the same way. This is a growth point for me. Can I love you if you snub me? Can I love you when you hurt my feelings? Can I love you when you let me down?

Asking those questions are convicting. It makes me think of a couple of people at church I've kind of written off because I felt like the friendship was more important to me than to them. And they let me down one to many times. But maybe God is calling me to go back and love them, accept them, flaws and all.

And it that, I may pass on hope.

When Lfe Doesn't Measure Up (2) -- Hope Chronicles 74

Yesterday, I wrote the first bit about life not measuring up. If you haven't read it, scroll down to read that post.

That post ended by talking about how Sarah laughed at God but He still followed through with His promise and Sarah got what she most desperately desired. God is faithful to every promise, but sometimes we get a "Yes" and sometimes a "Wait" and sometimes a "No." The question becomes, will we still trust God with the dreams we hold most dear?

Scripture is clear that unmet hopes have a strong impact on us. Proverbs 13:12 states, "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life." Heart sick. It carries with it the connotation of something that impacts us to our deepest core. Perhaps that is what makes it so accurate. Our deepest longings are those that touch our core.

I shared Carolyn McCulley's quote yesterday. "When our prayers seem to go unheeded, we can learn to live in unexpectant apathy. We go through the motions, but we're not convinced that God will bless us. Bottom line, ugly truth: We don't really trust God."

It is an ugly truth isn't it? If you are a Christian, you may trust God with your salvation but fail to trust Him with your deepest desires. We pull back from admitting to others where our heart's desire lies. Eventually, we may decide to not even pray about it. Why keep praying if the answer is "No." We may secretly feel that God just doesn't care.

But nothing could be farther from the truth. The cross is answer enough to that.

Yes, it is. But it may not feel like it on an emotional level. Sarah got her heart's desire. But we must be careful here on two points. Sarah got exactly what she wished for even though it was not on her time table. This doesn't mean we just have be patient and we will get what we want. Admitting that can feel like giving up on God. That "unexpectant apathy" can lurk in the corner of our minds."

Admitting that our dreams may not look the way we envisioned is the beginning of allowing God to expand our dreams. I still hope (while quickly approaching 40) for a husband and kids born from my body, carried under my heart. I long for healed relationships but have no clue how to heal them. I dream of a thriving practice. The list could go on and on. But instead of holding the dreams myself, I try to let God hold them. Instead of demanding they be met in my way and in my time, I pray that God will give me the strength to allow Him creative license in my life. After all, I'm only borrowing this body from Him.

But do our dreams matter. Yes, they matter to us. More importantly, they matter to God. Repeatedly scripture tells us that God is clost to the brokenhearted and that one of the reason's Jesus came was to bind them up.

While God will comfort us, we also have a choice to make. Pslam 42 gives a great picture of hope in the midst of hard. The pslamist's tears are described as his food and his soul as downcast. But repeatedly he admonishes himself:

"Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God."

Instead of pretending that those dreams and things don't matter, the psalmist chooses three things:

• He pours out his soul to God -- including his suspicion (vs. 9) that God has forgotten him. He tells God all of his suffering.
• He chooses to remember God in the midst of pain.
• He chooses to praise the God who is his savior.

How do you hope in the midst of unmet longing? Talk to God. Remember all that God has done in your life. Praise God for who He is.

There is one more key to hope in verses 1-2 of this psalm. It says:

As the deer pants for streams of water,
so my soul pants for you O'God
My soul thirsts for God,
for the lviing God.
When can I go and meet with God?

God is pictured as life giving water. Proverbs 13:12 described longing fulfilled as a tree of life. The psalmist recognizes God as the fulfillment of all longing.

When we choose to hope in God, God gently holds our dreams adn then meets the deepest longings of our hearts with His presence. Sometimes it isn't until we drink deeply of hope that we realize how thristy we were or how satisfying God is.

Resting -- Hope Chronicles 72

I recently took this picture of Katy. I love it. The amazing thing is that she didn't even stir when I took it. Yes, I was trying to be quiet so I could capture the moment, but I thought the whir of the camera and the flash would wake her. If it did, she didn't let me know about it.

In some ways this is a picture of trust to me. Katy was sprawled out on one of our favorite and softest blankets. Mali was nearby, but Katy still spread out. She often doesn't do this when Mali is near because Mali is a pouncer.

One thing to know about cats is that they often take awhile to warm up to you. Staring directly at a cat may seem aggressive. Sometimes, that is why cats choose to go to those who ignore them. The go on their own terms.

They also do not often show their bellies. No, it is not a self-conscious thing. Rather it is self-protection. It's harder to escape from a prone position and their bellies are vulnerable spots. So, either this blanket was too inviting to pass up or Katy was trusting enough of me and Mali to relax into the softness.

This is a picture of rest -- relaxing even in the midst of something hard. I think of Psalm 23. God makes the write lie down in green pastures but then go through the valley of the shadow of death. In the end, God provides a banquet in the presence of the writer's enemies. I always wondered about this. But someone explained it once that once someone entered that person's house, they were under their protection. Thus, they could relax and enjoy the feast. Or in Katy's case, stretch out on the softest blanket around because she knew she was safe.

Do I rest in God like that? Do I stretch out and show Him my tender places? I long to say "Yes" but I know there are times when I am too busy protecting myself rather than letting Him protect me that I do not fully relax into Him.

Where there is trust there is rest. Where there is trust there is hope because we know that a feast awaits even in the presence of enemies. There is hope because God has called us his.

Vengeance vs. Forgiveness -- Hope Chronicles 71

Awhile back I read Change of Heart by Jodi Picoult. She does not write to a Christian audience, but I have really liked some of her stuff. Change of Heart was not one of my favorites. Yet it still had those "ah -ha" moments that made me think.

The premise is that a pregnant woman's husband and child are murdered. The murder is on death row and wants his heart to go to the woman's second child. As you will have guessed needs a heart transplant. In the book, the mother, June, asks the following questions:

Would you give up your vengeance against someone you hate if it meant saving someone you love?

Would you want your dreams to come true if it meant granting your enemy's dying wish?

Humanity has a great need for vengeance. We want to see the wrongs righted. We want people who hurt us to pay ounce for ounce back every bit of hurt and suffering they have caused.

Humanity has a great need for vengeance, but Christianity has no need for it. Yes, being human, we still want to see people pay for what they have done to us. But Jesus calls us to something higher, something better. He calls us to give our hurts and even our hopes to Him and let Him do the sorting out. Yes, our enemy may in the end get his dying wish, but we would only rob ourselves and the ones we love if we lived by vengeance instead of forgiveness.

But forgiveness is hard. My father was very abusive while I was growing up. He has never asked forgiveness for what he did. I must admit that I still harbor some bitterness about everything he robbed me of and even the angst it has caused with other family members. But I do not actively seek revenge. I leave that all with Jesus. To that extent I have forgiven.

Yet, the question is one my pastor has asked in his own life. He had an abusive step father who late in life responded to an altar call. His first response was, "No, you cannot forgive him, God!" But like me, he has had to learn to leave the balance of it all up to God.

There is the rub, isn't it? With the cross their is no balance. It's all lopsided because Jesus paid the price for all of it. Because of that lopsided balance, I have hope. Without it, I would never be able to come to God. Coming to Jesus, isn't that worth giving up our sense of vengeance?

Running Your Heart Out -- Hope Chronicles 70

Last week I had the opportunity to watch a friend's boys -- Kolya and Austin. Kolya had a cross country meet. Since it was an invitational, everyone had to wait to the end to get awards.

This is a picture of Kolya running. He came in 19th out of 60 runners in his group. I think that is pretty amazing.

While Kolya ran a great race, another runner has gotten me thinking. It seemed that everyone had finished and the crowd was starting to mingle at where the awards were going to be given. I asked someone why they hadn't started. Even though it was a good 15 minutes later, it turned out that there was a boy who was still running. A boy who had run all season nowhere near the pack. A boy for whom only two or three people had stayed at the ending place to cheer on. A boy who ran his heart out.

Hebrews 12:1-3 says the following about the race we are running spiritually.

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

Carolyn Arends is a contemporary Christian singer. She sings about running the race and that great crowd of witnesses: "Sometimes I press on, sometimes I look back, sometimes I just lay in the road on my back. I've got to get up and I don't know how, I hear in the distance the roar of the crowd."

We all feel like giving up sometimes. What is amazing about this youth is that he didn't quit. He didn't quit as the pack pulled farther and farther ahead. He didn't quit when only a handful met him at the finish. He kept going and going --pushing himself. I don't know his faith, but oh, to be able to fix my eyes on Jesus, the end of the race, that I would run on and on and on even when no other runners are in sight.

That boy ran his heart out. May we have hope enough in the cross to run our hearts out until the end of the race.