The Truth Heals

It's Tuesday. While I enjoy Tuesdays, I didn't really want this one to come. It's the last chapter of Lisa Whittle's book hosted by Lelia. It's been fun to share with everyone what God is doing and even have the author chime in.

Everyone says that the truth will set you free. But what truth will set you free: the truth. It's not just any old truth out there that in our day and age may not be truth at all. It's the truth about who we are in relationship to Jesus.

Lisa share's several truths that sum up the truth (her words in blue):
Truth #1: Recognition -- God created you exactly the way you are, with your unique personality and temperament, since He is incapable of making a mistake.

I know this is true, but honestly, I have a hard time believing it at times. I often times feel like a mistake -- something that was just thrown together from left over bits. The truth is that God knit me together in my mother's womb. I use to knit and would frequently drop stitches. Somehow I have a hard time believing God has ever dropped a stitch. So, why is it so hard for me to believe that He created me just the way I am suppose to be?

Truth #2: God created you with a free will to choose your behavior and mess up your own life.

Ouch. But I know it is true. I make choices that impact my life every day. Some of them are good and some of them are bad. And sometimes other people's choices impact me. But, ultimately, even when they impact me I am given another choice in how I respond. My life is very much about the choices I have made and continue to make.

Truth #3: Resolution

God wants us to figure out who we are in Him and not try to be someone else. Really, that is what this whole book has been about -- our tendency to try to be someone we're not. God made us for a purpose. Maybe all the pretending gets in the way of what God is doing in our lives and the lives of others.

We are imperfect, flawed. But Jesus has chosen to bestow His grace on us. We need to grapple with that truth, the truth of His love and care, to really become who we were meant to be.

I love the idea of choices. In essence that is what I have done with both my Hope Chronicles and my 40 to 40. The first was a choice to choose hope consistently for a year. The second is a choice to choose gratitude and a different outlook on turning 40. So, this year I have tried to make good choices that hopefully point to Him.

What choice can you make that might draw you closer to Him?

No Fishing

It's Tuesday, so that means that it is Behind Those Eyes by Lisa Whittle day at Lelia's. Today's chapter was number 9, "We Are Completely Flawed Yet Forgiven Completely."

As someone who is very aware of their shortcomings, I get the completely flawed part. Oh, I put on a good face at times (though sometimes things leak out), but if you lived inside my head I would be deeply ashamed. For in my brain are all the insensitive, jealous, spiteful, mean things. (Now, remember I confessed that sometimes they leak out and go spilling on whomever is nearby.)

Being a very reflective person, I do understand my sin. (Though who of us understands it completely? There are so many "little" things that have slipped away with time and gone unconfessed. Only, God has the true tally count.) So, I understand flawed and I'm a bit taken aback to admit that there are probably a vast amount of things that I have forgotten and go uncofessed and wounds unhealed.

It makes it even more humbling to know that I go before HOLY God, carrying my sin along with me.

This chapter reminds me of a skit I wrote a few years ago. It was never used, but I wrote it for some unknown reasons. Here is the story line but not all the words, just enough to give you the gist:

There is a woman (we'll call her Lucy) who has arrived in heaven. She is in a room filled with the things of her life. Some of them she is tucking under the bed, out of sight. Other things (like the award she got as volunteer of the year) she is displaying more prominently.

There is a knock at the door. Two FBI type angels walk in. The first asks what she is doing. Lucy replies, "Just tiding up a bit."

Angel 2 says, "You know you don't have to do that."

"Oh, well one wouldn't want to meet God with a mess around," replies Lucy.

Angel 1 to Angel 2: "She doesn't understand. Shouldn't we explain."

Angel shakes his head and says, "We could try, but typically, they don't get it until they've tried." He clears his throat. "Umm, Lucy it's time to go."

"What? I thought I had more time. Quick grab the suitcase."

Angel 2 shakes his head. "Mam, you are only allowed to bring what is most important."

Lucy is clearly agitated. "I know. If you'll give me a hand, I'll get things ready. Put that pile of things in that suitcase please. They are all very important -- me at graduation, the time I helped the homeless man and my picture ended up in the paper, . . . ."

Angel 1 shrugs and has Angel 2 help with the preparation. After the two suitcases are full, Lucy is still looking distressed and still hiding things in the closet and under the bed. Angel 1 reminds her that she can only take one thing. "Yes,"says Lucy. "I suppose I'll have to leave one of the suitcases behind." She is close to tears.

Angel 1 says, "Let me show you something." He gently leads her to the window. "Look out there."

"Why it's a beautiful lake!" Lucy cries.

Angel 1 says, "Actually, it is a sea. It's called the Sea of Lucy."

"It's named after me?"

"Yes. And it is a very special sea. It is made up of all the tears God has shed for you over the years -- times when you were scared or hurt and the times when sinned. He cried when you cried and when you walked away and when you came back. Everyone has a sea here."

Lucy is tearing up. She looks closer. "What does that sign out there say?"



Angel 2 reads it to her. "For some reason, you humans always try to pull up what God has cast into the sea. You hold onto them much longer than He does. He knows all you have done and all you haven't done -- the bad and the good."

Angel 1: "We really should be going."

Lucy, again in distress, tries to lift a suitcase, but it is too heavy. Angel 1 gently says, "One thing is all you can bring."

Angel 2 reminds her to remember the sign on the Sea of Lucy.

Suddenly it dawns on Lucy. "The only thing I can bring is my heart, my life, just as I am."

And the two angels escort her into the presence of God flaws and all because she is already deeply loved.

This concept does not originate with me. Well, the idea of God's tears making a sea with each of our names is purely fictional and my idea. But the other part, the no fishing part comes from a picture that hung on the wall in a stairwell at InterVarsity's Cedar Campus. I don't know how long it had hung there. But it was there during my student days with InterVarsity Christian Fellowship and then my 11 year tenure on staff. My guess is, though I haven't been back in years to check, is that it still rests on the wall in the stairwell at InterVarsity's Cedar Campus. Even though it was a simple charcoal sketch, it never failed to catch my eye and my heart.

It was sketched in black on white paper -- a picture of the sea. You could see above the water and below the water. The artist had drawn the bottom of the sea littered with an inner tube and bit of trash and debris. But the heart clincher for me was a simple sign, slightly askew, in the bottom right hand corner. It simply read, "No Fishing."

I do not know who the artist was, but it has been a visual reminder while at camp and in my mind away from camp for years.

God loves me flaws and all.

Accepted, Flaws and All -- Hope Chronicles 76

Yes, it is Tuesday and that means it's book day at Lelia's. First, though, I must apologize for wigging out on it last week. Honestly, I read it but didn't have time to do much more than come home, feed the cats, go to my second job, sleep, and do it all over again the next day. That's my excuse, but I've got time tonight.

Flaws. I've got them. I'm heavier than I would like to be. I struggle with depression. I can be snappish and mean at times. I get caught up in everything going on with me. You get the picture. There are a few things that might make me seem a bit unloveable and definitely unacceptable.

Lisa writes, "The depth of God's love for us is hard to comprehend. So are the height, the width, and the breadth of His love. our human minds will not allow us to process the greatness of the love of our Father because we are programmed by the world's view of love, which has great limitations." Limitations. Isn't that the truth? The world says, "I'll love you if . . . ." God says, "I'll love you in spite of . . . . I'll love you when you shine and I'll love you when you're down. I'll love you all the way around the world, to the moon and back again. I cannot love you less."

The truly amazing thing about God's love is that He does love in spite of. He knows all of my flaws and failures. J. I. Packer writes in Knowing God:

. . . There is tremendous relief in knowing that His love to me is utterly realistic, based at every point on a prior knowledge of the worst about me, so that no discovery now can disillusion him about me, in the way I am so often disillusioned about myself, and quench His determination to bless me.

God's love is utterly realistic. Because of that, I can find great comfort. God loves me in spite of knowing the worst about me.

But He also is always inviting me to grow.

The hard part, I think, is that in knowing this fact, God also expects me to try to love others in the same way. This is a growth point for me. Can I love you if you snub me? Can I love you when you hurt my feelings? Can I love you when you let me down?

Asking those questions are convicting. It makes me think of a couple of people at church I've kind of written off because I felt like the friendship was more important to me than to them. And they let me down one to many times. But maybe God is calling me to go back and love them, accept them, flaws and all.

And it that, I may pass on hope.

Why Not What

It's week 5 of Lisa Whtittle's book hosted by Lelia. This week was on "Miss Spirituality." So, here is my 5 point sermon outline. Just kidding! But it is something Miss Spirituality would have on hand for moments like these when she is feeling tired. She would whip it out of her binder and wow you all.

Though, I've at times played the part of Miss Spirituality, I think the biggest thing that hit me this week was Lisa's statement on page 79:

"The point is not that Miss Spirituality does these things , rather why she does these things."

What kind of things does she do: Sunday school -- teaching, going, leading, serving the poor, organizing, helping out local organizations, memorize scripture, . . . . The concern is that she does them out of concern over what others will think or notice.

It made me think of the Pharisees being concerned that everyone saw their godliness. In the temple a woman gives out of what little she has (Luke 21). She doesn't do it because of how much she has and the need to show it. Rather, she does it because she believes it is what God calls her to do.

People may do the same things, but the difference can often be found in the why or heart posture behind what they are doing.

Sometimes, for me it is running back in the house at the last minute to grab my Bible so people won't notice I forgot it. God wants me to have it in service, but what people think is the wrong reason. I guess, in some ways, I am Miss Spirituality.

What good things do you do for the wrong reason?

Two Kinds of Ice Cream

This is part of a series of posts on the book Behind Those Eyes. It was written by Lisa Whittle and is being hosted over a Lelia's site. This week was on "Ms. Happiness."

I do not know the musician or all the words. But there is part of a song that has stuck in my head since about 5th or 6th grade. Here's what I know: "Happiness is two kinds of ice cream, finding your skate key, telling the time. Happiness is learning to whistle and tying your shoe for the very first time . . . ." Wow, just think, Steak-n-Shake must have heard that song too when they started their side-by-side milkshakes. I'll take my happiness as chocolate and strawberry please.

Wouldn't it be nice if happiness were that simple? Maybe as a child it is enough. Children get joy out of the simplest of things. But as an adult, telling the time usually means we are running late because we couldn't find the car keys and there aren't two items in the house to make an edible meal.

So, just like Lisa writes, we pretend. We put on our happy faces and pretend that we are okay. "How are you?"

"Fine, great. You?'

"Good. Your husband?"

We go on pretending to be happy, but every time we pretend, we sink a bit deeper into the muck. Pretending to be happy is like trying to tread quick sand. There's no on to pull you out because they're all convinced that you two kinds of ice cream have satisfied.

I love the distinction Lisa makes between happiness and joy. There is such a huge difference. She quotes CS Lewis: "We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition, when infinite joy is offered to us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in the slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by an offer of a holiday at the sea."

That is so me. My friend Sandy once described my relationship with God like that. God wanting to cleanse me but me only willing to stick my foot in lest I make the ocean dirty -- never imagining it was a well spring of living water. Hopefully, I've changed since then, but that image has stuck with me.

I am the child happy with the mud pies or two kinds of ice cream. Because of that, I miss out on joy in a deep and lasting way. I go on pretending to be happy even when I'm not.

God calls us to put off the pretending and find joy -- not happiness -- in Him. Lisa writes:

Because while happiness cannot readily be achieved and is often impersonated, the reality is joy that comes from our heavenly Father is easily achieved and readily offered.

The rub is admitting I'm not happy and that I need God to give me that joy. God, please pour out your joy on all of us.

Great Charade

I am participating in an online study of Lisa Whittle's book, Behind Those Eyes. I read it earlier in the spring but I am excited to get to study it with a group of ladies online at Lelia's. If you click the book cover, it will take you to Lelia's site. You can see her reflections and links to the other ladies participating. My posts each Tuesday will be about the study. So, here is the first one:

It's been a hard couple of months, really hard. I take medication for depression. Earlier in the summer, I discovered that two of the meds would not be covered as they originally were. Instead of tier 1 they would be tier 3. Short end of a long story: I could no longer afford the medication. But my doctor and I agree that there is a biological basis for my depression and the medication was a need and not a want.

So, the beginning of July we started tapering off the meds to go on something different. Honestly, I think the euphoria I felt from my time at She Speaks carried me through the first couple of weeks. But then I bottomed out in a big way. The funny thing is, not many people would have guessed it.

One of the things that I've learned about mental health professionals is that they often gauge how well you are doing by how well you are functioning. They love the question, "Are you still going to work?"

Hello. It's me, Amy, we're talking about. Yes, I'm going to work. Yes, I'm paying the bills. Yes, I'm doing laundry. Yes, I am functioning. (Though the house is in awful shape. With all the outside functioning, I haven't had much energy to give to that.)

I'm on the upswing of new meds at the moment. But I certainly related to Lisa's chapter, "The Great Charade." I'm so good at it, no one outside hardly guesses the emotional turmoil. In reality, most women are pretty good at this charade of life. The problem is, as Lisa points out, it doesn't meet the longings of our souls.

What is the longing of our soul? Lisa writes:

We want someone to know us from the inside out, warts and all, and not think twice about our many flaws. We want unconditional love. We desire to find purpose. We seek attention, and we crave acceptance.

I am so there on that one. Oh, that someone knew me inside and out!

But wait, there is someone who does. Pslam 139:13-16 (NIV) says, "For you created my inmost being: you knit me together in my mother's womb . . . . My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, you eyes saw my unformed body . . . ." God knows me inside and out.

Granted, sometimes I wish that when I cry He could reach out and comfort me, hold my hand, brush back my hair, and whisper "I love you. It will be okay. I LOVE you."

Ironically, God puts people in our lives to be His hands and feet and mouth. When I insist on carrying out the great charade, I choose loneliness over fellowship. Sadly, I make that choice almost without a thought.

So, now I will pray that God would stop me when I pull on my superhero cape and pretend that everything is okay. I will pray that He will help me choose authenticity over pretending.

Will you pray that too?

Behind Those Eyes -- An Open Letter

Dear Lisa,

I've thoroughly enjoyed getting to know your little girl this last month or so. You were so right when you wrote how beautiful she is! (For those reading this open letter, the little girl is Lisa Whittle's newest book Behind the Eyes.)

Thank you for unmasking, as you put it, the "great charade of womanhood." Your honesty helped me look at the places where I pretend rather than risk being real.

Can I share with you a few of the things that touched me?

First, I love how you write from your heart. While you share that you recognize "Ms. Confidence" in yourself, you also take risks and are vulnerable. I know that you may not meet many of your readers until heaven, I think it still takes courage to put your soft spots out there in such a public way.

Second, I identify with some facet of each of the personification you put forth.

• I am a perfectionist at heart. I demand it of myself and always have. When I was in undergrad, I was disappointed with a 3.86 GPA. In grad school, I managed the 4.0, but found that even that didn't satisfy. You see, I fell short. There was a special test at the end and the top 5 would graduate with "honors." (As if the privilege of getting such a great education wasn't honor enough, I was dismayed to be only in the top 7.) I write that only to say that I am a harsh task master with myself. While I wouldn't say it so boldly, at times it spills into my relationships and the standards I set there.


• Ms. Confidence is a face I also wear. While I may often be the "soft one" in relationships, I do not have many close friends. For most of the world, I quietly pretend that I have it all in hand. I keep people locked out.


• I cannot say that I exude Ms. Happiness, but I do recognize parts of her. I cannot let someone know that something is wrong. If I do, I do so apologetically. "Yes, this awful, horrible thing just happened but it really isn't so bad and I'm really okay and I'm sorry to bother you with it and I'll just let you go now."


• Ms. Spirituality -- yes, I know her too. I loved the years I spent in ministry. But at times, I confess, I may drop that bit of information as a means to impress. "Yes, 11 years serving God in full time ministry . . . ." It's not every time, but some times Ms. Spirituality is behind it. Perhaps it is even in sharing obscure Bible trivia. Yes, we are to know scripture but the reason behind it is not to impress!

Third, thank you for giving voice to the feelings we conceal. I resonated so with that chapter that I read it twice! Loneliness and jealousy are my biggest vices. Loneliness drives me to look at everyone else and say, "Why didn't they invite me?" My jealously is largely relational. I struggle to simply be happy when someone is able to steal away some time with another friend. I recognize it as a barrier to relationships. It adds enough weight to what should be a buoyant relationship to sink the ship. But I am working on it and growing. Thanks so much for sharing about your friendship! It sounds special indeed.

Lastly, thanks for sharing the "real deal." I love the way you reveal God's heart in those last chapters. I love what your wrote: "God already know that He accepts us just as we are . . . with all of our failures and faults and insecurities, but He was us to know that -- really know that." I pray that what God is doing through you will cement that more firmly for every woman who reads your book.

Thank you for sharing the truth. It does, indeed, set us free.