Twisting the Golden Rule

Recently, I've been convicted over the golden rule. Interestingly, even people who aren't Christians at least know the gist of it. It can be found in Luke 6:31 -- "Do to others as you would have them do to you." (NIV) It's actually part of a list of uncommon ways we are suppose to treat others -- friends or enemies.

• Love your enemies
• Do good to those who hate you
• Bless when you are cursed
• Pray for those who hurt you
• Turn the other cheek
• If someone takes your cloak, give them your tunic too
• And do to others as you have them do to you

It's a strikingly uncommon way of relating to people in a world that focuses on revenge and blame and all of those kinds of things.

While I don't do it perfectly, in general, I would say I'm pretty good at following the golden rule. (Not perfect, of course.) I loan things freely. I try to say kind things. I'm more than willing to go out of my way for people. Yet, as I said above, I've been convicted about it.

When I was in college, I had never been in a discipleship relationship. Going into my junior year, I found myself in leadership of a Christian group on campus and there were people who needed some shepherding. Honestly, my approach was to provide what I wished someone had done for me. Amazingly, it worked. I found I learned as much as they did.

There have been other things as well where my mode of operation is based on "what I wish had happened for me." It can be taking an interest in the kids I know, going to sporting events even if I do not understand the rules. It can be following through with promises. It can be any number of things.

It has worked well, but here is the twist. Lately, I've noticed bitterness creep in. Though I still may do those things, I find that I can think, "I did this or that for so and so, why won't anyone do it for me?" The twist is that I somehow deserve something in return. Sadly, that means what I have given or done, has not been a gift. It comes with an expectation.

Yes, it would be nice on various things, but that is not the heart behind the golden rule or any of those other things listed above. The heart is considering others before me because that is what Christ did. The heart is giving up our rights because that is what Jesus did.

So, I need to ask God to change my heart to match my actions. Then, the gifts of time or interest or whatever will be freely given with no strings attached.

What about you? Do you ever attach strings to things?

Are You Worried About the Economy?

I go in cycles trying to keep up on the news. Typically, I do a pretty poor job of it -- gravitating only to stories that intrigue me. However, it is hard to miss that the economy is suffering. If the stretch of my paycheck didn't clue me in, the headlines would.

Last night at BN, I was cashiering. I caught the gist of one of the papers. Though the person who spent $350 on books belies the struggle, the problem is of global proportions. One article talked about how Americans' new interest in saving is impacting nations like China that depend so heavily on exporting of goods to this country.

Tonight, I caught a blip on CBS news about newspapers. Apparently, some major holders of papers are filing for bankruptcy. They had already been struggling because of the wealth of free information now available at our fingertips. The sale of ads have decreased and we just don't buy the paper anymore.

I haven't a clue where the phrase comes from, but I believe it is in regards to money. I wonder how long (or if we are already there) until buyers, lenders, or whomever looks at us and says about the American dollar "It's not worth the paper it's printed on."

Between shoppers last night (long waits on a Sunday night), I got to thinking about God's economy. I can imagine Satan looking at our sin ravaged and decaying world and shaking his head, turning to God, and making a very good case that we aren't "worth the paper we're printed on." And in some respects, he might be right. How many times did I sin today? How many cross words or hurtful thoughts?

But God wouldn't buy into it. In spite of the grim economy of my soul at times, I shouldn't buy into it either. God listened to the plea of the hymn writer Robert Robinson when in Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing he wrote:

O to grace how great a debtor
Daily I'm constrained to be
Let thy goodness, like a fetter,
Bind my wandering heart to thee
Prone to wander, Lord I feel it
Prone to leave the God I love
Here's my heart, O take and seal it
Seal it for thy courts above

Jesus takes my ravaged heart from Satan's hand as Satan points out every flaw. Jesus turns it over in his nail scarred hands and points triumphantly at the seal that marks it for His courts above. He states, "Not worth the paper it's written on but so dear to me that I find it worth my very blood."

Tonight I shall strive not to give over to my worries and frets, because Jesus is in charge of the economy of my soul. It's backed by His grace and love.

Tuning Heartstrings -- Hope Chronicles 78

As you all know, I'm reflecting on the entire turning 40 thing. But it is also coming up on a year since I began my journey of hope, so I am reflective about that too! Rather than just an activity, I have longed for it to be something that sinks deep roots in my heart and changes me.

In less than a year, I've written 78 Hope Chronicles. That is a lot of thinking about hope. But has it gone from my head to my heart?

I came across this quote recently. It is quoted as being out of the Telescope-Messenger. I'm not sure what that is, but I thought the quote was interesting:

We need hope for living, far more than for dying. . . . Dying is a moment's transition; living a transaction of years. It is the length of the rope that puts the sag in it. Hope tightens the words and tunes up the heartstrings.

So, I am asking you this question -- both you who know me and those who only know me here in blogland -- has hope tightened my words and tuned up my heartstrings? I'll let you know what I think in another post, but I would really love to know what you think. It can be a yes or no or in some ways . . . .

If I Had Only Known

Sometimes, others have already said it so much better than we ever could that it seems necessary to borrow their words. Carolyn Arends is a Christian singer/song writer. This song sums up the end of things with Bill for me. Here is a snippet of it:

If I had known only known

That you'd be leaving here so soon

I would not have been so flippant

When I offered you the moon.

I would pull my chair up closer

To the railing of your bed

Chosen much more carefully

The words I said

I would ask you for your stories

I would tell you mine

I would give you much more credit

I would take more of your time

There's so much I left unspoken

If you were here right now

Oh, I would love you out loud

Carolyn Arends

Love You Out Loud

Album: This Much I Understand

If I had only known:

• I would have held your hand more often
• I would have called you more just to say "Hello" even if we would be seeing each other in just a few hours.
• I would have laughed when you tried to tame my crazy kitty Katy into coming to you no matter how late it made us for dinner
• I would have pressed to meet your family sooner
• I would have let you help me with more things instead of trying to be independent
• I would have snuggled more
• I would have told you more about my thoughts and feelings. Oh, it wasn't that you didn't it ask but just that I am not a natural talker.
• I would have made you more cookies and peanut butter pie.

If I had only known that you'd be leaving here so soon, I would not have been so shy. I would have loved you out loud.

If you were here right now:

• I'd let you help with flowers for the yard
• I'd actually cook for you
• I'd tell you how hard it was to have you go so suddenly
• I'd laugh with you about Mali's antics. She would have you wrapped around that tiny paw.
• I'd let you comfort me on some of the strange turns my life has taken
• I'd tell you about the book I hope to write
• I'd drive you crazy holding your hand
• I'd laugh more
• I'd smile more
• I'd be the one to try and sneak the kiss
• I'd count every second as a treasure

And, yes, I would love you out loud . . . .

---

Bill died April 23, 2007 from an aortic aneurysm. We had met at church. Our first date almost turned into a group outing. I was standing with Emily when he approached me and asked about a concert in Peoria that night. Assuming he meant a group outing, I turned to Emily and asked her if that sounded like fun. He graciously said that more people would be fine. But Emily caught on more quickly than I did and she declined.

When he picked me up he noticed that I didn't put the garage door down. I explained that it was broken and I had no clue what to do with it. The next day he came by to fix it for me. I was making cookies, so he stayed for some . . . .

He fixed that sill garage door 3 times! Third time was the charm. It hasn't broken since.

But I suppose instead, it's my heart that got broken to have him leave so suddenly. It's been a year and I still remember. It's been a year that was really hard in places, but my heart is healing. I'm making it through.

Bill brought me laughter and a feeling of connection that before I had only ever dreamed could happen. Without Bill I might have given up that the connection even really existed. While it hurt to say a sudden "Goodbye," there is hope in knowing that mystical connection is fact not fiction and even I can dare to reach out for it.

Tender Hearts

I have high expectations for myself. In school it was A+ type work. In terms of relationships, it is being trustworthy -- let your yes be yes and your no be no kind of stuff. I am also a completely confidential person. This is probably a mix of things. In my family growing up, everything was a secret so I learned not to share. That probably wasn't so healthy. But then there is also the piece that I worked in ministry for 11 years and dealt with student's private lives so there were things that had to be kept confidential. And then I got my MA in counseling, so everything is private there! But it also slips into my relationships. I just don't tend to repeat things -- not even to say, "Don't tell anyone else but . . . ." We all know how that works.

I am also intensely loyal and tend to go out of my way to help people. Until last weekend, I thought this was mostly about helping people I knew well and cared for. A friend pointed out that I tend to respond that way to everyone. For example, there is a single mom in my community group. I do not know her at all. We've never said much more than "Hello." Part of it is the timing when she joined, I had to miss several weeks, so there hasn't been much opportunity. She recently told the group she was looking for a sitter because her regular sitter is going to be out of town for a week. I immediately said that I might be able to help because of the odd hours of my work schedule but that I needed to look at my schedule.

I looked at my schedule and found that I had some things already scheduled. I could definitely help one day and possibly rearrange life on a second day.... I began to problem solve how I could totally meet the need -- even considering using some vacation time. My friend pointed out that I respond that way to a lot of things but it isn't necessarily my job to meet every need that comes my way -- do what I can but don't turn into a Chinese acrobat with all kinds of contortions. I cannot be all things to all people.

All of that sounds somewhat positive, doesn't it? Loyal, caring, confidential, helpful. It is but there is a catch. Those are expectations of myself but I am realizing that I put those expectations on others as well. When the need isn't met or confidentiality is broken or whatever . . . I am extremely hurt.

I believe that God has given me a tender heart. It makes me see things that other wouldn't see and respond in ways that other might not respond. But a tender heart can also be easily hurt. I am finding the need to sift through what appropriate expectations are and where I perceive a slight when there might not be one.

The Velveteen Rabbit is a great book. In it the Skin Horse explains real and why it doesn't often happen to toys that break easily or have to be carefully kept. Real is when you get shabby in the joints and your fur has been loved off. My thought lately is that I may have to be "too carefully kept" to develop the friendships I long for. So, I'm praying that God would help me with my expectations, that I can give to my heart's content but not have the same expectations of others. I think the tender heart is a good thing. I just don't need it so easily broken.

Princess or Stray? (Part 3) -- Hope Chronicles 19 cont.

This idea of the princess and stray has been wiggling about in my brain for a couple of months. It came to fruition with yet another food incident with Mali. (Click here for part 1 and here for part 2 if you don’t know what I am referring to. It'll all make more sense if you do!) I feel like God gave me the image of the princess and the stray and I’ve enjoyed writing about it.

Here is my confession and my disclaimer; I have not yet arrived in this area. So, I can give you a glimpse of where I have been and the path I am on, but I don’t know yet all the twists and turns it will take. Having said that, here it goes – from one stray to another!

---

Over the years, I have come to believe that there is a container in each of our hearts. The conatiners get filled up when we are loved on and are that with which we pour love into others. Through our lives, that container gets beat on and dented. Maybe it was the taunting of the kids at school or never having mom say she loved you. Maybe it was something big like the death of a parent in your tender, early years. Maybe it was all the little things that accumulated into something big. Maybe it was abuse. I don’t know what it might be for you.

Sometimes, the things of life come so hard that the container gets punctured. Sometimes they are tiny holes and other times they are jagged, gapping holes. When the container gets punctured, all the love and good things leak out. I know that there have been times that in spite of an outpouring of love and care, I have remained thirsty for more and more because every drop that gets poured in runs out.

God has always intended for me to be a princess – the beloved child of the King of the universe. Life has made me a stray.

How does a stray heart become a princess heart?

First and foremost, I need to believe that God is in the business of fixing broken hearts, broken containers. He can hammer out the dents and fix the holes. It’s not always the easiest or quickest of processes, but God is all about making me whole. But I need to believe Him first so that He can work on all those hard areas.

In Mark 6, Jesus visits his hometown. Maybe it was that they knew him when he was a child, but the people of Nazareth had a hard time believing Jesus. Their lack of belief was actually limiting. In verses 5-6 it says, “And he could do no mighty work there, except that he laid his hands on a few sick people and healed them. And he marveled because of their unbelief.” (ESV)

Do I think God could do whatever He wanted? Yes. But I’ve heard it put this way. God is a gentleman. He will not force himself into a life. Though it alternately makes His heart dance for joy or crushes Him, we are free to accept or reject Him.

But it isn’t easy to just say, “I believe.” The father who brought his son to Jesus for healing and said, “If you can do anything, take pity on us and help us,” had the right of it. " 'If you can'?" said Jesus. "Everything is possible for him who believes." How does the father respond? “I believe. Help me overcome my unbelief.” (NIV) I am learning to pray this prayer.

But even then, it doesn’t mean that all the holes are neatly zapped. (Oh, that it were so!) Yes, God sometimes does an “instant miracle.” But I am learning that it is often God’s way to work over time. The healing that comes after 10 or 20 years is no less a miracle, no less a work of God, than the one that happened in an instant. Perhaps, there is some part of my character that needs to be honed, something I need to learn in the time spent in dependence on God that I would not learn if He had chose to zap that area. (But I will admit to a certain level of frustration when the tears are flowing.)

I recently learned that the word used to describe Jesus’ transfiguration (Mark 9) and our transformation are the same word. The only difference is that when it describes Jesus it is in the passive tense, a sense of already being. For us it is an active tense describing the process of becoming.

I need to understand who God is. I need to know Him intimately. I’m striving to keep scripture always in front of me.

I need to trust God. It is only in knowing Him that I can fully trust Him with all the dark places in my life that keep me in the land of “Never Enough,” that keep me suspecting that He is holding out on me.

I need to live in a community of consistency. Granted, I will never find full consistency in the human realm, but a community striving to be consistent goes a long way. Going back to my Mali. It is continuing to consistently feed her. Not that I would stop feeding her, but sometimes I shake my head and wonder when her heart will change. (I imagine God does that with me!) It’s through consistency I learn to trust.

I survived a childhood fraught with abuse. That has left the large, jagged holes in my heart. I have been in counseling forever! I’ve been with Julie, my present counselor, 6 ½ years. Sometimes I bemoan the fact that it is taking so long. (Note to self. Reread the paragraph about miracles that take 10-20 years.) I started seeing her after a disastrous counseling relationship. When I bemoan it taking so long, Julie gently reminds me that it took year to a year and a half for me to begin to trust her. But her persistent consistency won out. Julie is great, but God is even immeasurably more persistent and consistent.

Some friends from church also get the consistent-over-the-long-haul awards. I suspect, at times, they’ve wondered if my high need would ever diminish. (Sometimes it resurfaces even now). But they have stuck it out with me in little and big ways. I need to remember that and be lovingly consistent with others as well. It has the power to change lives.

I choose to believe God that I am his wholly and dearly loved child. I am “now and not yet.” In spite of my stray heart, I am more princess than stray for God has laid claim to my heart. So rather than a stray, I am a princess in progress.

One day my heart will fully be a princess heart that fully trusts my God and King. I will reside not just in Plenty but the land of Abundantly More Than Enough. Just as in the Old Testament God was the Levites' inheritance; God is my strength and portion. Who could ask for anything more?

Princess in Progress

Princess or Stray (Part 2) -- Hope Chronicles 19 cont.

During World War II, many children in England had to evacuate due to the fighting. (If you are a Narnia fan, you’ll recall that this is why Peter, Susan, Edmund, and Lucy end up at the Professor’s house.) Some ended up in kind situations. Others pretty much had to fend for themselves. Because of the fear of losing their lives, the fear of what would come to tomorrow, the fear of not having enough, some of the children had trouble falling asleep at night. It must have been God inspired, but someone had the idea of giving children bread to sleep with each night. With the bread in their hands, they knew they had something to eat and would have something to eat for the next day too. With the comfort of the bread, the children were able to sleep.

I believe that there is such a think as a national psyche. I don’t mean that to sound New Age-ish at all. But there are things that happen in each generation that shape how that generation thinks and feels. Sometimes, some of those things are passed on to the next generation.

Some things that have impacted our national psyche at various points are the Vietnam War, 9/11, Kennedy’s Assassination, the Great Depression, Colombine, . . . . These things shape how whole generations think and feel.

Do you recall how Jacob and his sons ended up in Egypt? The quick version: Jacob favored Joseph. Joseph’s brothers got jealous, sold him into slavery, and told Jacob that his son was dead. Meanwhile, Joseph found favor with God and God brought him from a slave to the second highest in the land of Egypt. Then there was a famine and Joseph’s brothers end up in Egypt wanting food . . . . There’s an amazing reconciliation and everyone joins Joseph in Egypt. But eventually the Egyptians get wary of the Israelites prosperity and force them into slavery for 400 years.

It stands to reason that Israel’s psyche was impacted by the famine and servitude. They lived in a land and mindset of “never enough.” But God is with them and He calls them out of Egypt, sends plagues on the Egyptians that don’t touch the Israelites, and performs miracles like parting the sea. They saw God work in mighty ways!

In Exodus 16, the Israelites grumble because they are hungry. God gives them quail to eat in the evening and manna (bread) to eat every morning. He gives specific instructions that no one is to save any of the manna overnight but promises there will be more the next day. Having the heart of a stray, some of the Israelites disregard these instructions. The next day it stinks and is full of maggots (Gag!).

A couple thousand years later, I can look at the Israelites and shake my head and ask, “What were you thinking? God gave you specific instructions!” But then, I suppose, people can look at my life and ask the same haunting question, “What were you thinking? Didn’t you believe God’s promises?”

Yeah, but . . . . You get the picture. Just like the Israelites, sometimes I operate out of a stray, never enough heart.

Mark recounts that when Jesus sent the disciples out in twos he told them not to take any bread, bag, money, or extra clothes. They were to go with the sandals on their feet and a staff. I think I would have struggled to follow those instructions. When they return the emphasis is on the fact that they preached repentance, drove out demons, and healed people. There is no mention of going hungry. Rather, it seems that God provided for them.

The next circumstance Mark recounts is that people followed Jesus and his disciples on their little get-away. Jesus has compassion on them and realizes that they will be hungry. The disciples are aghast when Jesus tells them to feed the crowd (upwards of 5,000) even though they have already experienced God’s provision.

They scrounge around and come up with five loaves of bread and two fish. There – in the wilderness or desert – Jesus feeds 5,000+. Not only does he feed the 5,000, there are 12 basketfuls of leftovers! With Jesus there is more than enough.

Jesus disciples live in a the land of plenty – of more than enough – without realizing it!

Let’s go back to the princess and the stray from yesterday’s post. Which one do you identify with Mali (my stray) or Katy (my princess)? Do you live in “Never Enough” or “Plenty?”

If you come from a difficult background, my guess (though there may be exceptions) is that you operate from a stray heart. The anxiety of never having enough (food, love, whatever) sinks deep roots.

But even if you did have enough or had a pleasant childhood, you may still dwell in “Never Enough.” Remember the elder brother in the parable of the Prodigal Son? He was never in want, but jealousy over the reunion his father gave his younger brother was quick. Part of a never enough mentality or stray heart is a wariness about others getting what they don’t deserve (or you think they don’t deserve). Is your first thought, what about me?

I confess that over the years I have been a stray at heart. I’ve been vigilant about things being equal or fair. Even though I try, at times it is hard to be happy for another’s good fortune. I too often quickly think, “What about me?”

So, how do we turn a stray heart into a princess heart? Any ideas?

Check back for the conclusion in a day or so!

Princess or Stray? (Part 1) -- Hope Chronicles 19

I remember getting up very early one morning in 1981. After all, England is several hours ahead. My sisters and I didn’t want to miss a bit of the royal wedding of Prince Charles to Princess Diana.

Princesses fascinate little girls. We learn about them very early on from stories like Cinderella and Snow White. And in our hearts, I think there is often a yearning to be a princess – to be someone very special.

Even though I’ve always considered myself more of a dog person, I adore both of my cats. They each came from the local humane society. Katy is three and I’ve had her for a little over two years. I got Mali in November. The best guess is that she is about nine months old.

As I’ve interacted with them, I’ve learned that they have very divergent positions on life. Katy is the princess. Mali is the stray. This distinction is most obvious when it comes to food. Katy is definitely interested in food. She routinely wakes me up each morning (even on weekends) when it is time to be fed. (How does a cat wake someone? Katy’s first tactic is to paw at the blankets by my neck. When that doesn’t work, she resorts to nipping at my fingers!)

While Katy is merely interested in food, Mali is utterly obsessed with it. She literally eats from both bowls. Luckily for Katy, she can only guard one at a time.

I got Mali the day before Thanksgiving. I went to make a pie to take with me. I had no clue that she would be interested in apples, but she was! A wide range of food related episodes have “taught” me that Mali needs to be put in another room when I am preparing food or eating a meal. (She is not above snatching something off a plate!)

Tomorrow we are having a food day at work. I am bringing yummy Southwestern Chicken and Potato soup. (I am pleased with myself. I’m not very domestic, but Jan 1, I bought a slow cooker and have been making lots of things. I often use to run out to lunch, but now I bring something really good. The slow cooker has paid for itself and I’ve lost 14lbs!) I started peeling the sweet potatoes, but I didn’t put Mali away. Even though I have supposedly learned from previous episodes, I underestimated what her interest in a potato would be. I knew I would have to put her out of the way when I was cutting the chicken, but I didn't want to leave her crying for too long. Mali jumped up and grabbed a long piece of potato peeling. I let her have it, as I didn’t think it would be something that would hurt her. Initially, she chewed on it on the tile floor. When she decided to take it onto the carpet, I decided I needed to retrieve it because I didn’t want to risk a stain. My little darling growled, spit, hissed, and swiped at me over a potato peel!

I managed to retrieve it (without the shedding of blood) and put Mali in the bathroom, but I am befuddled. For three months she has consistently gotten two meals a day plus various treats like tiny pieces of cheese. Yet, she hasn’t relaxed her food vigil one smidgen. How long will it take her to learn that I will always take care of her?

Katy also has a history as a stray before she was rescued by the humane society. But I think that the food distinction points to a larger distinction of the heart. Mali is still a stray at heart. Katy has moved from stray to princess. In Mali’s mind she still lives in a the “Land of Never Enough.” Katy lives in the “Land of Plenty.”

Tune in for more tomorrow . . . . But while you wait, reflect on which land you live in.

Dead Man's Crawl -- Hope Chronicles 17

I am not a football fan. I’ve watched exactly one Super Bowl in my life. I don’t understand the rules. I can’t imagine who would come up with a game where the object seems to be to clobber the guy with the ball. (If the guy is already down, it seems that everyone dog piles on him for good measure.) If I played, I think I’d treat that ball like a hot potato and pass if off as quickly as I got it. (Of course, that is assuming that I had enough skill to catch the thing!)

I made it to one game when I was in high school. I can’t recall what possessed me to go. But, I’ll admit, I got caught up in the school euphoria when we beat the reigning champs and in a show of solidarity, I bought a “We beat Moeller” T-shirt. (I think I passed on the “We beat Moeller again!” shirts the following year.)

I have watched a couple of football movies. In these, it seems it is enough to know from the reaction of the fans, coaches, and players, who won or lost. I can usually follow that. One movie that I watched for the first time a year ago and the second time last month is Facing the Giants.

Here’s the gist in a sentence: True story of losing high school team that takes on the state champions – aptly named “The Giants.” Of course, the real story is about how they get to the state championship.

One scene strikes me. The coach is talking to the players and one of the “leaders” is being rather cocky. The coach calls him out and challenges him to be a leader. He asks him how far he thinks he can do the “Dead Man” crawl. (Hands and feet carrying another player on his back.) The player announces he can go to the 30-yard line. The coach, of course, wants to see him do it but then decides to have him do it blind folded.

So, off they go. The coach cheering him on – “Give me all you’ve got!” The player eventually starts saying, “How far? Am I there yet? I can’t go any further.” The coach just keeps at him. “Don’t you stop on me. Give me all you’ve got!” When the coach finally lets him stop, he takes off the blind fold to discover that he is in the end zone and has done the Dead Man’s crawl down the entire field.

It’s a great picture of going – pushing – beyond our limits. Too often, we make a goal and say that we will give it all we’ve got. Maybe we make it to that goal, but what God knows it that we haven’t given it our all yet – there’s still more in us. He wants every last drop put into our relationship with him. He will not settle for half our efforts, half our hearts. He is a jealous God who wants our whole hearts.

Hope is letting go of what we think we can do in favor of doing what God knows we can do. If that isn’t enough, it is bringing others along with us. When they can’t walk anymore, we pick them up. When we can’t walk anymore, we do the dead man’s crawl all the way to the end zone. Hope is in the fact that Jesus – the ultimate coach – is with us every step, every excruciating inch, of the way.