Princess or Stray Part 2

If you come from a difficult background, my guess (though there may be exceptions) is that you operate from a stray heart; a heart that is afraid to trust and is full of worry and fear. The anxiety of never having enough (food, love, whatever) produces deep roots that are buried deep down into the crevices of one’s heart.

I'm posting today at the Internet Cafe. Click here to finish reading this post.






Adapted from posts on Feb 20, 2008, Feb 21, 2008, and Feb 23, 2008. The posts this time are a bit shorter. Click the dates if you want to read the original posts.

Princess or Stray Part 1

My sisters and I got up very early the morning that Lady Diana married Prince Charles because we didn’t want to miss one single bit of the royal wedding. There’s just something about princesses and beautiful weddings that fascinate little girls. In our early years we learn about these beautiful princesses from stories like Cinderella and Snow White. And in our hearts, I think there is often a yearning to be a princess – to be someone very special.

I'm posting today at the Internet Cafe. Click here to finish reading this post.







Adapted from posts on Feb 20, 2008, Feb 21, 2008, and Feb 23, 2008. The posts this time are a bit shorter. Click the dates if you want to read the original posts.

Mystery of the Missing PJ's

We are in the transition from winter to spring in central Illinois. However, last week, it was still - in my opinion - pretty cold. I also have this thing about comfort. I love my fleece pj's. (Getting to wear fleece is one of the few good things about winter.)



Last Tuesday night I went to put my snugly pj's on. It had been a hard day. I had a migraine and all that kind of stuff going on. I wanted -- I needed --my comfortable pj's. Much to my dismay, I could not find the pj bottoms. Typically, they reside with the top waiting for me on the bed. I had done a load of laundry, so I checked to see if they had gotten thrown in there. Nada. I looked all around and couldn't find them. I thought that maybe it was that I was tired and that I would find them on Wednesday



Wednesday -- no pj's. I still had the top but that wasn't working for me and my summer nightgown wasn't cutting it. I added an additional couple blankets and bemoaned that losing a pair of pj bottoms when you are the only one in the house is surely a sign of losing your mind as well.



Tonight, I dropped something on the floor. As I was picking it up, I noticed that a book had slid partially under the bed, so I knelt to retrieve it. Low and behold, I found a treasure trove of odds and ends -- most importantly pj bottoms -- that have turned up missing one by one over the last couple of weeks. Most of the items were cloth -- socks (that I had assumed the dryer had eaten), a sweat shirt that I had no clue where it had gotten to, 4 hand towels, and a scarf. They were all balled up in a neat little nest of sorts in the very center under the bed.



Mali is my scavenger. She is a stray at heart. I thought that it was mostly confined to food, but it appears otherwise. No, I'm not just picking on Mali. It's just I've had her growl at me over a dishcloth before. I had assumed that it was because it had just been used and smelled like food. Never assume anything. These items were all relatively clean (if you discount the cat fur). She apparently needed them for comfort.



Just like Katy, Mali typically shares my bed with me. (Actually, they get the lion's share.) But apparently Mali wanted a bit of space to herself . . . . So, if I start to complain about missing items, please remind me that I live with a scavenger and I should check under the bed and any other hidey hole a cat might use.



Case solved. Thankfully, I don't have to worry that I'm losing my mind!

Princess or Stray? (Part 3) -- Hope Chronicles 19 cont.

This idea of the princess and stray has been wiggling about in my brain for a couple of months. It came to fruition with yet another food incident with Mali. (Click here for part 1 and here for part 2 if you don’t know what I am referring to. It'll all make more sense if you do!) I feel like God gave me the image of the princess and the stray and I’ve enjoyed writing about it.

Here is my confession and my disclaimer; I have not yet arrived in this area. So, I can give you a glimpse of where I have been and the path I am on, but I don’t know yet all the twists and turns it will take. Having said that, here it goes – from one stray to another!

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Over the years, I have come to believe that there is a container in each of our hearts. The conatiners get filled up when we are loved on and are that with which we pour love into others. Through our lives, that container gets beat on and dented. Maybe it was the taunting of the kids at school or never having mom say she loved you. Maybe it was something big like the death of a parent in your tender, early years. Maybe it was all the little things that accumulated into something big. Maybe it was abuse. I don’t know what it might be for you.

Sometimes, the things of life come so hard that the container gets punctured. Sometimes they are tiny holes and other times they are jagged, gapping holes. When the container gets punctured, all the love and good things leak out. I know that there have been times that in spite of an outpouring of love and care, I have remained thirsty for more and more because every drop that gets poured in runs out.

God has always intended for me to be a princess – the beloved child of the King of the universe. Life has made me a stray.

How does a stray heart become a princess heart?

First and foremost, I need to believe that God is in the business of fixing broken hearts, broken containers. He can hammer out the dents and fix the holes. It’s not always the easiest or quickest of processes, but God is all about making me whole. But I need to believe Him first so that He can work on all those hard areas.

In Mark 6, Jesus visits his hometown. Maybe it was that they knew him when he was a child, but the people of Nazareth had a hard time believing Jesus. Their lack of belief was actually limiting. In verses 5-6 it says, “And he could do no mighty work there, except that he laid his hands on a few sick people and healed them. And he marveled because of their unbelief.” (ESV)

Do I think God could do whatever He wanted? Yes. But I’ve heard it put this way. God is a gentleman. He will not force himself into a life. Though it alternately makes His heart dance for joy or crushes Him, we are free to accept or reject Him.

But it isn’t easy to just say, “I believe.” The father who brought his son to Jesus for healing and said, “If you can do anything, take pity on us and help us,” had the right of it. " 'If you can'?" said Jesus. "Everything is possible for him who believes." How does the father respond? “I believe. Help me overcome my unbelief.” (NIV) I am learning to pray this prayer.

But even then, it doesn’t mean that all the holes are neatly zapped. (Oh, that it were so!) Yes, God sometimes does an “instant miracle.” But I am learning that it is often God’s way to work over time. The healing that comes after 10 or 20 years is no less a miracle, no less a work of God, than the one that happened in an instant. Perhaps, there is some part of my character that needs to be honed, something I need to learn in the time spent in dependence on God that I would not learn if He had chose to zap that area. (But I will admit to a certain level of frustration when the tears are flowing.)

I recently learned that the word used to describe Jesus’ transfiguration (Mark 9) and our transformation are the same word. The only difference is that when it describes Jesus it is in the passive tense, a sense of already being. For us it is an active tense describing the process of becoming.

I need to understand who God is. I need to know Him intimately. I’m striving to keep scripture always in front of me.

I need to trust God. It is only in knowing Him that I can fully trust Him with all the dark places in my life that keep me in the land of “Never Enough,” that keep me suspecting that He is holding out on me.

I need to live in a community of consistency. Granted, I will never find full consistency in the human realm, but a community striving to be consistent goes a long way. Going back to my Mali. It is continuing to consistently feed her. Not that I would stop feeding her, but sometimes I shake my head and wonder when her heart will change. (I imagine God does that with me!) It’s through consistency I learn to trust.

I survived a childhood fraught with abuse. That has left the large, jagged holes in my heart. I have been in counseling forever! I’ve been with Julie, my present counselor, 6 ½ years. Sometimes I bemoan the fact that it is taking so long. (Note to self. Reread the paragraph about miracles that take 10-20 years.) I started seeing her after a disastrous counseling relationship. When I bemoan it taking so long, Julie gently reminds me that it took year to a year and a half for me to begin to trust her. But her persistent consistency won out. Julie is great, but God is even immeasurably more persistent and consistent.

Some friends from church also get the consistent-over-the-long-haul awards. I suspect, at times, they’ve wondered if my high need would ever diminish. (Sometimes it resurfaces even now). But they have stuck it out with me in little and big ways. I need to remember that and be lovingly consistent with others as well. It has the power to change lives.

I choose to believe God that I am his wholly and dearly loved child. I am “now and not yet.” In spite of my stray heart, I am more princess than stray for God has laid claim to my heart. So rather than a stray, I am a princess in progress.

One day my heart will fully be a princess heart that fully trusts my God and King. I will reside not just in Plenty but the land of Abundantly More Than Enough. Just as in the Old Testament God was the Levites' inheritance; God is my strength and portion. Who could ask for anything more?

Princess in Progress

Princess or Stray (Part 2) -- Hope Chronicles 19 cont.

During World War II, many children in England had to evacuate due to the fighting. (If you are a Narnia fan, you’ll recall that this is why Peter, Susan, Edmund, and Lucy end up at the Professor’s house.) Some ended up in kind situations. Others pretty much had to fend for themselves. Because of the fear of losing their lives, the fear of what would come to tomorrow, the fear of not having enough, some of the children had trouble falling asleep at night. It must have been God inspired, but someone had the idea of giving children bread to sleep with each night. With the bread in their hands, they knew they had something to eat and would have something to eat for the next day too. With the comfort of the bread, the children were able to sleep.

I believe that there is such a think as a national psyche. I don’t mean that to sound New Age-ish at all. But there are things that happen in each generation that shape how that generation thinks and feels. Sometimes, some of those things are passed on to the next generation.

Some things that have impacted our national psyche at various points are the Vietnam War, 9/11, Kennedy’s Assassination, the Great Depression, Colombine, . . . . These things shape how whole generations think and feel.

Do you recall how Jacob and his sons ended up in Egypt? The quick version: Jacob favored Joseph. Joseph’s brothers got jealous, sold him into slavery, and told Jacob that his son was dead. Meanwhile, Joseph found favor with God and God brought him from a slave to the second highest in the land of Egypt. Then there was a famine and Joseph’s brothers end up in Egypt wanting food . . . . There’s an amazing reconciliation and everyone joins Joseph in Egypt. But eventually the Egyptians get wary of the Israelites prosperity and force them into slavery for 400 years.

It stands to reason that Israel’s psyche was impacted by the famine and servitude. They lived in a land and mindset of “never enough.” But God is with them and He calls them out of Egypt, sends plagues on the Egyptians that don’t touch the Israelites, and performs miracles like parting the sea. They saw God work in mighty ways!

In Exodus 16, the Israelites grumble because they are hungry. God gives them quail to eat in the evening and manna (bread) to eat every morning. He gives specific instructions that no one is to save any of the manna overnight but promises there will be more the next day. Having the heart of a stray, some of the Israelites disregard these instructions. The next day it stinks and is full of maggots (Gag!).

A couple thousand years later, I can look at the Israelites and shake my head and ask, “What were you thinking? God gave you specific instructions!” But then, I suppose, people can look at my life and ask the same haunting question, “What were you thinking? Didn’t you believe God’s promises?”

Yeah, but . . . . You get the picture. Just like the Israelites, sometimes I operate out of a stray, never enough heart.

Mark recounts that when Jesus sent the disciples out in twos he told them not to take any bread, bag, money, or extra clothes. They were to go with the sandals on their feet and a staff. I think I would have struggled to follow those instructions. When they return the emphasis is on the fact that they preached repentance, drove out demons, and healed people. There is no mention of going hungry. Rather, it seems that God provided for them.

The next circumstance Mark recounts is that people followed Jesus and his disciples on their little get-away. Jesus has compassion on them and realizes that they will be hungry. The disciples are aghast when Jesus tells them to feed the crowd (upwards of 5,000) even though they have already experienced God’s provision.

They scrounge around and come up with five loaves of bread and two fish. There – in the wilderness or desert – Jesus feeds 5,000+. Not only does he feed the 5,000, there are 12 basketfuls of leftovers! With Jesus there is more than enough.

Jesus disciples live in a the land of plenty – of more than enough – without realizing it!

Let’s go back to the princess and the stray from yesterday’s post. Which one do you identify with Mali (my stray) or Katy (my princess)? Do you live in “Never Enough” or “Plenty?”

If you come from a difficult background, my guess (though there may be exceptions) is that you operate from a stray heart. The anxiety of never having enough (food, love, whatever) sinks deep roots.

But even if you did have enough or had a pleasant childhood, you may still dwell in “Never Enough.” Remember the elder brother in the parable of the Prodigal Son? He was never in want, but jealousy over the reunion his father gave his younger brother was quick. Part of a never enough mentality or stray heart is a wariness about others getting what they don’t deserve (or you think they don’t deserve). Is your first thought, what about me?

I confess that over the years I have been a stray at heart. I’ve been vigilant about things being equal or fair. Even though I try, at times it is hard to be happy for another’s good fortune. I too often quickly think, “What about me?”

So, how do we turn a stray heart into a princess heart? Any ideas?

Check back for the conclusion in a day or so!