Never Said Goodbye

Loose ends drive me bonkers. Anyone at work can tell you, I'm constantly running around tying up the loose ends. If my loose ends are securely anchored, I'll worry about yours. But the loose ends I can least tolerate are the relational ones. If I don't get relational closure, I obsess. Being a pessimist, my issue is always what it is about me that made you leave.

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I Don't Like Resolutions, But . . . .

I'm not much for New Year's Resolutions, however, I am fond of this older song by Carolyn Arends. I've put the words below for you. What if we did live our lives like every day was New Year's day instead of like our problems and failures defined us? I confess to believe in a God of second chances (and third and fourth), but what if I lived that way? It really might start a revolution if I extended grace to myself and those around me.

New Year's Day

I buy a lot of diaries
Fill them full of good intentions
Each and every New Year's Eve
I make myself a list
All the things I'm gonna change
Until January 2nd
So this this time I am making one more list

This will be my resolution
Every day is new year's day
This could start a revolution
Every day is new year's day

I believe it's possible
I believe in new beginnings
I believe in Christmas day
And Easter morning to0
I believe it's doable
Because I believe in second chances
Just the way I believe in you

This will be my resolution
Every day is new year's day
This could start a revolution
Every day is new year's day
One more chance to start all over
One more chance to change and grow
One more chance to grab a hold of faith
And never let it go

This will be my resolution
Every day is new year's day
This could start a revolution
Every day is new year's day


Here's to living this year like I belong to the God of second chances.

Shaping -- Hope Chronicles 41

As you all probably know by now, I adore my talented cats. (For talent proof click here.) Teaching Mali (though today I did get Katy to do "UP" three times), has largely been tied to the idea of shaping and rewards or positive reinforcement.

Teaching Katy to beg for her treats was probably the most straight forward thing I've taught either one of them. I keep a can of hard treats on a shelf above the TV. I went and patted the door to get her attention. When she simply came over to where I was, I praised her and gave her a treat. But this wasn't the exact behavior I wanted. I wanted her to paw at the door and ultimately "meow" for her treat. I patted the door some more and she hopped on her hind legs to see what I was doing with my hand just out of reach. Treat.

We did this for several more days and she got the idea that if she pawed at the door, I would come over and give her a treat. (So maybe she ended up training me!) Finally, I decided to move onto the "meow." She did what I now considered her ask for a treat and I went to the TV but I didn't move to get the treats. She pawed some more. When no treat was forthcoming she let out a plaintive "meow." She got lots of praise and a couple treats!

It's called shaping because you start by rewarding an approximation of something. We do it with babies all the time. We want to see them crawl but we praise and encourage them if they make it on their knees or rock back and forth. We reward an approximation of something, the effort.

Honestly, I have been much more focused on training Mali than Katy. I taught Katy over a year ago to ask for a treat and then dropped the whole thing training aspect with anything else. Perhaps at that point it didn't dawn on me that I could train her to do other things. When I saw a book at the store and perused it, it mentioned starting when they are young. At 3 Katy is hardly old, but Mali is younger so I focused there.

I enjoy those little moments teaching Mali. Today, I thought, "Why not give Katy a chance?" It took a little coaxing and I had to use just the right food, but she got "up" for me.

So, how does this apply to hope and God? When I first taught either of them a trick, I had to be patient. I couldn't just say "ask" or "come" or "up" and have them know what I wanted. There was a learning process.

I'm fairly patient with them and children, but I lose patience so easily with myself. Why didn't I do it perfectly the first time? In my mind, an approximation of something doesn't count for me.

But when I really stop and think about it, all of life is an approximation. It is all learning. Carolyn Arends is my favorite Christian artist. She has a song called Getting Ready for Glory. It talks about how this life is all about getting ready for the next. It is, I believe, shaping and conforming us to Jesus likeness so that we are ready to meet God.

Here's a bit of the song:

She's had 80 some years,

Most of them good,

But she's not gonna be here much longer

Now the body gets weak

Like she knew it would

But the spirit just keeps getting stronger

She's got her Bible and hymn book beside her

She storing those songs and old stories up inside her

She's getting ready,

She's getting ready,

She's getting ready for glory.

She knows all of the verses

to How Great Thou Art

And her soul it doth magnify often

And she's gonna keep learning

the scriptures by heart

til the day she is laid in her coffin

She wants to be sure when the angels come take her

That's she's got some greetings for meeting her maker

There's more, but you get the idea. This life -- the joys and sorrows, the hardships and comforts, the triumphs and failures -- is all about shaping us and getting us ready for glory.

The idea of everything shaping me for God puts hope into every bit of what happens in my life.

If I Had Only Known

Sometimes, others have already said it so much better than we ever could that it seems necessary to borrow their words. Carolyn Arends is a Christian singer/song writer. This song sums up the end of things with Bill for me. Here is a snippet of it:

If I had known only known

That you'd be leaving here so soon

I would not have been so flippant

When I offered you the moon.

I would pull my chair up closer

To the railing of your bed

Chosen much more carefully

The words I said

I would ask you for your stories

I would tell you mine

I would give you much more credit

I would take more of your time

There's so much I left unspoken

If you were here right now

Oh, I would love you out loud

Carolyn Arends

Love You Out Loud

Album: This Much I Understand

If I had only known:

• I would have held your hand more often
• I would have called you more just to say "Hello" even if we would be seeing each other in just a few hours.
• I would have laughed when you tried to tame my crazy kitty Katy into coming to you no matter how late it made us for dinner
• I would have pressed to meet your family sooner
• I would have let you help me with more things instead of trying to be independent
• I would have snuggled more
• I would have told you more about my thoughts and feelings. Oh, it wasn't that you didn't it ask but just that I am not a natural talker.
• I would have made you more cookies and peanut butter pie.

If I had only known that you'd be leaving here so soon, I would not have been so shy. I would have loved you out loud.

If you were here right now:

• I'd let you help with flowers for the yard
• I'd actually cook for you
• I'd tell you how hard it was to have you go so suddenly
• I'd laugh with you about Mali's antics. She would have you wrapped around that tiny paw.
• I'd let you comfort me on some of the strange turns my life has taken
• I'd tell you about the book I hope to write
• I'd drive you crazy holding your hand
• I'd laugh more
• I'd smile more
• I'd be the one to try and sneak the kiss
• I'd count every second as a treasure

And, yes, I would love you out loud . . . .

---

Bill died April 23, 2007 from an aortic aneurysm. We had met at church. Our first date almost turned into a group outing. I was standing with Emily when he approached me and asked about a concert in Peoria that night. Assuming he meant a group outing, I turned to Emily and asked her if that sounded like fun. He graciously said that more people would be fine. But Emily caught on more quickly than I did and she declined.

When he picked me up he noticed that I didn't put the garage door down. I explained that it was broken and I had no clue what to do with it. The next day he came by to fix it for me. I was making cookies, so he stayed for some . . . .

He fixed that sill garage door 3 times! Third time was the charm. It hasn't broken since.

But I suppose instead, it's my heart that got broken to have him leave so suddenly. It's been a year and I still remember. It's been a year that was really hard in places, but my heart is healing. I'm making it through.

Bill brought me laughter and a feeling of connection that before I had only ever dreamed could happen. Without Bill I might have given up that the connection even really existed. While it hurt to say a sudden "Goodbye," there is hope in knowing that mystical connection is fact not fiction and even I can dare to reach out for it.