The Compliment

Grace, Andrea, Elena, and Addie

This weekend I had a fun visit from some friends. Allison, Elena, and Grace moved from Illinois to Michigan where Allison remarried. It was really hard for me to see them go. Since they are in the UP, it takes a bit to get up there or down here depending on how you look at it.

A few weeks ago, Allison asked about all of them coming for a visit. I had to work at BN, Saturday night, but they made into town Saturday afternoon after visiting other friends in Chicago. We played with the cats, talked, played a game and then met up with other friends at Culvers for dinner.

The gang of kids at Culvers

I headed off to work at 7:00 and everyone else went to out to an indoor kind of arcade/pro putt in town. They bunked at my house and joined me at church on Sunday where they got to see a lot of familiar faces.

Allison shared with me about Elena's excitement over coming. She apparently told her gymnastic teacher that she was going to visit her "best friend Amy." What a high compliment to be considered any child's best friend!

It was a delightful time. It had been so many months since seeing all of them that I wondered if there would be any awkwardness. I was thrilled with "falling back into friendship" that happened.

Figuring Out Friendship

It was over a year ago now, I ran into a friend I hadn't seen in a long time. When we first became friends, we saw each other quite frequently and would go walking on the Constitution Trail. In the winter we would walk around the mall. But she got serious with someone and they eventually got married. She was also trying to pay off some bills, so they both started working at night cleaning offices. When the bills were paid off, they decided they liked the income, so they kept working and then on the weekends jaunted off on trips.

Over the course of paying off bills and such, I called less and less because it seemed harder and harder to maneuver a way to get together. It just kind of happened over time that we didn't see each other. When I ran into her over a year ago, she said flatly, "My mother died and you didn't call."

I tried to apologize and explained that I didn't get the paper, that I hadn't known. Her face was stern. The question on my mind later was, "If you wanted to talk, why didn't you call me?"

I understand that she was hurt, but I wasn't sure how I was to know unless she or husband or someone called. I don't get the paper. I probably wouldn't look at the obituaries if I did. I definitely don't go online to look them up. I hadn't meant to be neglectful just as I'm sure she hadn't meant to neglect all the goings on in my life. But the blame was there.

Yesterday I got an email that set my teeth on edge. Again it was a blame kind of thing. I met a woman early this year from church. I had called and we had done something a handful of times. She quit coming to church but I still called a few times. The last time we were set to get together, I had called at the last minute. She didn't have anything going on. I hadn't had a very good day. I went to the restaurant and was waiting for her when she called to cancel. It seemed she had gotten a better offer.

I was hurt but it was nothing that couldn't be mended. But, I figured that since she had canceled I would wait and let her call to reschedule. It was a relatively new friendship and I didn't want to fall into the routine of being the only one to initiate. That was probably the end of April and I never heard from her until yesterday. And then I got the "You must be really angry since you haven't called." But she hadn't called either. Maybe I shouldn't have, but I emailed her back and pointed this out. I don't know where it leaves us.

In most relationships, there seems to be a person who is asked and a person who does the asking. I think it is rarely 50-50. But it does get tiresome to always be the asker.

The question I am pondering is "How do we take friendhsips as they are?" Some people are the initiators. But I don't know that the people on the other side of the friendship value it any less. Still, that is the trap I can fall into.

So, here are some questions for you that might shed some light on things for me:

• Are you an initiator? If so, do you get your feelings hurt when others don't initiate with you?
• If you aren't an initiator, how do you feel like you communicate value in a friendship?
• What is one rule of thumb you have in making and keeping friends?

Sometimes I wish that we could go back to being children. I'm fascinated by how easily children can pick up friends. The girl they met in the McDonald's play space is quickly included in the list of friends. If you are not watching closely, they are making plans to meet again at the same time next week (even if they can't drive and don't have money) because they have formed a best friend club. And then there are boys with their pickup basketball games. To children it seems that all the world is a friend.

Maybe because we don't play on jungle gyms anymore, it is harder for adults to form those relationships. Yes, I know these aren't life long relationships, but still it seems an easier way to begin and has many more chances than our grownup renditions.

Owen and Mzee

(Photo from Wikipedia)

Cute, capturing photo, huh? It's a great true story. I found two books about Owen and Mzee at the bookstore. Basically, baby hippo gets swept down stream and is rescued and taken to Haller Park in Kenya. He's put in the same habitat as Mzee the grumpy 130 year old tortoise. (At 130 he might have something to be grumpy about and then they toss a baby in with him!) Owen is just one or two and scared and lonely. He takes to following old Mzee around, hiding behind him when scared, and resting beside him when tired. They become an inseparable pair. (They have their own website)

I bought one of the books for a friend and her girls. A mutual friend called me December 2006. Allison and the girls had just moved to town that fall. My friend wanted to know if I would mind her giving Allison my name so she and her father could do a little Christmas shopping for the girls.

I went and spent the morning in the midst of high fashion, glitter glue, and sand art which is not for the feint of heart. Sunday morning when the girls saw me at church, they barreled into me. I loved getting such an enthusiastic greeting.

I spent a lot of time with Allison and the girls last spring and summer. Life has been topsy-turvsy for them since late last summer. Two weeks ago, I found out that they are moving some time in the next week.

I gave them a book as a reminder of my friendship and care for them. At the end of the book it remarks, that there will always be a friend around when you need one. All three have been good friends for me. I know God is preparing new friends for them now as they move on their way. But mostly, I know that God has them nestled in the palm of His hand.

I hate goodbyes, but I think I might get to spend some time with the girls on Saturday. I hope so. It would be good to have one last go around at the playground and some popsicles before they go.

God provides friends in all shapes and sizes. Just ask Owen and Mzee . . . .

Tender Hearts

I have high expectations for myself. In school it was A+ type work. In terms of relationships, it is being trustworthy -- let your yes be yes and your no be no kind of stuff. I am also a completely confidential person. This is probably a mix of things. In my family growing up, everything was a secret so I learned not to share. That probably wasn't so healthy. But then there is also the piece that I worked in ministry for 11 years and dealt with student's private lives so there were things that had to be kept confidential. And then I got my MA in counseling, so everything is private there! But it also slips into my relationships. I just don't tend to repeat things -- not even to say, "Don't tell anyone else but . . . ." We all know how that works.

I am also intensely loyal and tend to go out of my way to help people. Until last weekend, I thought this was mostly about helping people I knew well and cared for. A friend pointed out that I tend to respond that way to everyone. For example, there is a single mom in my community group. I do not know her at all. We've never said much more than "Hello." Part of it is the timing when she joined, I had to miss several weeks, so there hasn't been much opportunity. She recently told the group she was looking for a sitter because her regular sitter is going to be out of town for a week. I immediately said that I might be able to help because of the odd hours of my work schedule but that I needed to look at my schedule.

I looked at my schedule and found that I had some things already scheduled. I could definitely help one day and possibly rearrange life on a second day.... I began to problem solve how I could totally meet the need -- even considering using some vacation time. My friend pointed out that I respond that way to a lot of things but it isn't necessarily my job to meet every need that comes my way -- do what I can but don't turn into a Chinese acrobat with all kinds of contortions. I cannot be all things to all people.

All of that sounds somewhat positive, doesn't it? Loyal, caring, confidential, helpful. It is but there is a catch. Those are expectations of myself but I am realizing that I put those expectations on others as well. When the need isn't met or confidentiality is broken or whatever . . . I am extremely hurt.

I believe that God has given me a tender heart. It makes me see things that other wouldn't see and respond in ways that other might not respond. But a tender heart can also be easily hurt. I am finding the need to sift through what appropriate expectations are and where I perceive a slight when there might not be one.

The Velveteen Rabbit is a great book. In it the Skin Horse explains real and why it doesn't often happen to toys that break easily or have to be carefully kept. Real is when you get shabby in the joints and your fur has been loved off. My thought lately is that I may have to be "too carefully kept" to develop the friendships I long for. So, I'm praying that God would help me with my expectations, that I can give to my heart's content but not have the same expectations of others. I think the tender heart is a good thing. I just don't need it so easily broken.

First To Say "Hello"

I went to the mall today. Apparently, there is something wrong with my X chromosomes because I avoid the mall at all costs. I'm devoid of the "female shopping" gene. In fact, I don't remember the last time I went to the mall. No -- it wasn't at Christmas. It had to be way before that! (To pay for Christmas this year, I got a part time, seasonal job at Barnes and Noble. So, practically everyone, with very few exceptions, got something I could pick up there. The pay could be better, but the discount was really nice!)

But, a friend is having a birthday soon and I hadn't run across anything yet to get her. (No luck at the mall either! Which means I may have to go back and look some more or think of something creative.) Shopping for me is a sprinting event. First, you need to know exactly where you are going. Second, you devise the plan as how to get there and get out. Third, you only look at the things that jump out and bite you! Unfortunately, that technique doesn't always work.

I was walking briskly through Kohls, scanning things. A high pitched little voice exclaimed, "Hi!" I slowed and realized that the tyke in the stroller was talking to another woman who was passing. She yelled, "Hi!" again to the woman. As I neared, she shouted, "Hi!" to me as well. "Hi! Hi! Hi!" Being an all around kid-friendly person, I slowed and smiled and said, "Hi, there!" This delighted her. She turned to watch as I passed -- yelling her greeting. I waved and smiled.

Really, she was irresistible. Who could not respond to such a friendly greeting?

But it got me to thinking. I wondered if she will always be the kind of person who is the first to say, "Hello!" or if something will shift as she grows up. Honestly, I hope it doesn't.

I don't know that I was ever the kind of child who would go through a store cheerily shouting, "Hi!" I was pretty shy and reserved and didn't do much to call attention to myself. But I wish I had been that kind of child and I definitely wish I was that kind of adult.

Here is a question for you. Are you the kind of person who is always the first to say, "Hello" or are you the kind who waits to see what the waters hold? That is to say, the kind who waits for another to initiate.

I am the later. As I've thought about it today, I think it is largely fear based. There's less rejection if I don't "put myself out there" by saying, "Hi!" I think it also shows more of a concern with my comfort than yours. Who wouldn't want a friendly greeting?

With awareness comes responsibility. So, I guess I need to work on my friendly "Hello" for tomorrow. Who knows what will come of it when I am willing to risk and willing to put someone else's comfort ahead of my own? I think it is what God is calling me to.

So, let's start now -- "Hello there!"

First Contact

"I should move to the middle of nowhere and just become a hermit." I've had this thought at times. It's not very practical given that I have absolutely zero survival skills in the wilderness. I'ld starve to death in no time flat.

Typically, this thought is born out of a sense of isolation. If I were in the middle of nowhere, I wouldn't be disappointed by people and things. I would know that I had no cell phone reception, so no one would be calling or writing or whatever. I wouldn't be disappointed. But I also don't think I would be happy.

C.S. Lewis wrote, "We are born helpless. As soon as we are fully conscious, we discover loneliness. We need other physically, emotionally, intellectually; we need them if we are to know anything, even ourselves." I found this quote in a magazine 20 odd years ago. I was so struck by it, I cut it out and taped it into the front cover of my favorite Bible.

But connecting in our busy world takes a lot of time. There are phones and e-mails to answer. (Rather than freeing us, I think cell phones and text messaging may have just made our leashes longer and given us more rope to hang ourselves!) There are schedules to arrange. I understand all of that, but there is still that longing.

There is a book out called The Five Love Languages. It's meant for married people, but I think it applies to singles as well. The love languages are touch, service, words of affirmation, gifts, and quality time.

My primary love langauge is quality time. I crave uninterrupted quality time. We can even be doing something together but I need to feel connected. For example, my all time favorite day was with my friend Jill about a year ago. I needed her advice on office space. She went with me to see the spaces I had narrowed down and then we went to lunch. After that, we headed to her house to do some Thanksgiving preparation. It wasn't so much that it was a heavy talk time. It was being together uninterrupted. I just felt so connected.

But as I've been thinking about it lately, I realize that just as much as I crave that time with others, God craves that time with me. I do it, but sometimes "His time" is fit in amongst all the other myriad details of my life. Sometimes, it is in fits and pieces, starts and stops.

He wants to connect even more than I do. Perhaps, if I realign my priorities and make that time more central, some of that craving will be eased.

I read a book a number of years ago regarding gender roles. While I won't open that can of worms in this post, one thought has always stuck with me. I probably won't say it right. While God created Eve to help fulfill that need for community within Adam, Eve's first contact was not with Adam. Her first, most primal, contact was with God when He formed her from Adam's side.

Her first most primal contact was with God. And isn't that true for us as well in that God "knit us together in our mother's womb?" Perhaps, God is calling me to renew that "first most primal contact" with Him.

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Somewhat of a sidenote, I received a really lovely comment from someone today on my "Deadman's Crawl" post. I wanted to write you back, but found that I couldn't. So, if you commented on that post, check it out. I've responded to you there. And thank you -- it meant a lot.