Anxiety Is My Closest Friend

Anxiety is my closest friend. Seriously. She keeps me up until all hours talking, perseverating. She rings me up in the midst of work, wondering when I will have more time for her, extrapolating on details that make my head spin. She meets me at the door with a pile of bills. Lest I forget, she reminds me of the 101 things that dot my list of things to do. When my attention wanders, she squeals until my eyes, mind, and heart are riveted back on her. She sets my priorities. She pushes me when I just need a moment of rest, reminding me of what might happen if things are tended to. The more insistent she is, the more attention I give her. The more attention I give her, the more insistent she is.

But I would rather have peace. I came upon this definition of peace recently:

Peace.

It does not mean to be in a place

where there is no noise,

trouble or hard work.

It means to be in the midst

of those thnings and still

be calm in your heart.

(author unknown)

So what brings you peace when the world comes crashing in? What brings you pace in the midst of trouble?

Looking at the one who holds me in His hands. Listening to the one who quiets me with His love (Zephaniah 3:17).

But if I know that, why is it so hard?

Because the world is loud with flashing lights.

Because I have so often listened to anxiety and worry that I hear them best instead of listening to the still, small voice, the whisper on the mountain that is God.

So I need to practice listening to God so that I hear him best. I need to train my ears, my eyes, my heart. I need to tune them to the one who can calm my heart in the midst of life.

Any tips on tuning into peace?

Someone Must Pay. Someone Has.

The news is always filled with tragedies. One of the most recent one was Joseph Stack flying his plane into the IRS building in Texas. He ended up killing himself and Vernon Hunter (a man just going about his daily job) and terrorizing countless others. I am grieved by that news.

Today I read that Valerie Hunter, Vernon Hunter's wife, has filed a lawsuit against Sheryl Stack to find out if Joseph Stack left any life insurance money. I cannot imagine Valerie Hunter's grief and trying to figure out how to make life work after her husband's loss. Still, this news saddens me. It is one more example of what our society has come to. We live in an increasingly litigious society, a society whose mantra is "Someone must pay."

Part of the lawsuit is that Sheryl Stack (Joseph Stack's wife) should have warned people about her husband. If she knew, she probably should have said something. However, I wonder if she did know. I think it is a big IF. If she even had an inkling, I wonder if she would have dismissed it or perhaps couldn't even fathom that her husband would do something like that. How do you prove that she did know?

I haven't read it, but apparently Joseph Stack posted a screed on line. Shouldn't anyone who saw it alerted the authorities?

Someone must pay. Someone must be to blame.

It isn't a new phenomenon. When Columbine happened, everyone looked at the boys' parents. The prevailing thought was "They should have known. There must have been warning signs."

But here is the reality. They might have seen something, but it might not have been enough to raise alarms. Or maybe they misinterpreted what they saw, chalked it up to teenage angst, something they would grow out of.

Still, we say that someone must be to blame. Someone must pay.

Those are big examples. But what about day to day life? Do you ever look for someone to blame or make someone pay in some way?

Sadly, I know I do at times. I want things to all balance out. If I feel I've been injured, I want to know that someone else has owned responsibility. I want it to even out. But it is never as satisfying as I imagine. Balancing, winning that justice, can leave a bitter taste.

God doesn't want us to seek to balance in that way. Rather, He says, "Turn the other cheek."

And He says to look at the cross. That is where Jesus paid a debt He did not owe to bring peace.

How would the world change if we sought peace instead of chanting the mantra "Someone must pay?"

The reality is that Jesus has already paid. What if we trusted that?

Let Peace Begin With Me

Memory is a strange thing. I can forget what I had for lunch two days ago but other strange bits of information from my childhood lodge in my brain just waiting for an event or for something someone says to dislodge them. For example, there is the Purple Cow poem I had to memorize when I was in the second grade. (I won't bore you with that rendition here.) More to the point, events over the last few months have dislodged the chorus to a song I learned for a recital in the sixth grade: Let There Be Peace on Earth.

I'm posting today at the Internet Cafe. Click here to finish reading this post.

What I Want for the New Year

It's hard to believe that 2008 has come and gone. I went to a friend's house for a bit and then came home around 10:30. I slept my way into the New Year. But all day yesterday and today I have been pondering what I want for the New Year.

Hope. I still want to focus on hope. I've learned a lot about it this past year, but I think that there is more to learn. But rather than just hope I also want to learn about peace.

I want peace in the Middle East.

I want peace in the United States. What could be accomplished if the Democrats and Republicans actually worked together?

I want fewer homocides.

I want peace in the world. No more genocides.

I want peace for every child.

I want peace in my relationships.

I want to be a peace maker rather than a peace taker.

More than that, I want to have the peace that passeth all understanding.

Towards the end of John, Jesus has had the last supper with the disciples. He has told them what is to come, but none of them fully understand it.

In many ways, I think peace was Jesus parting gift to the disciples. John 14:23-27 says this:

Jesus replied, "If anyone loves me, he will obey my teaching. My Father will love him, and we will come to him and make our home with him. He who does not love me will not obey my teaching. These words you hear are not my own; they belong to the Father who sent me."

"All this I have spoken while with you. But the Counselor, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you. Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives you. Do not not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."

Peace is more than the absence of conflict and strife. It is something that comes from the Father. It is something that God has given even in the midst of the hard ugly stuff in the world. I look at my list of things I want peace for. I do want peace for each of those things. But I want to be marked as a person of peace even in the midst of the hard things of life. I want the peace that passeth all understanding.

That is a big prayer. My life so far has been marked by anxiety and depression. When something isn't right, when I am in the midst of a conflict or hard situation, I obsess about it. But that is not what God wants me to do. Should I give it my time and thoughts to help remedy the situation? Yes, but more than that I should be able to hand it to Him and rest in knowing that He is in control.

I think of the disciples in the midst of a storm with Jesus asleep in the boat. They were panic stricken and almost with indignation woke Jesus and cried, "Don't you care if we drown?" My life so far has echoed that cry. "God, don't you care that I'm drowning down here?" But Jesus does care. When they wake him Jesus says, "Quiet! Be still!" In that moment the wind and waves completely die down. But then he almost rebukes the disciples. "Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?" (Mark 4:35-41)

I want to be one who can be at peace in the midst of the storm. That is not to say I want the storms. But I know that they are part of life. I want the hope and peace that comes from knowing Jesus to be evident to everyone in my life and be a testimony to Him.

I came across this anonymous quote:

Peace. It does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble, or hard work. It means to be in the midst of these things and have a calm heart.

May God grant us all calm hearts that hope in Him this New Year.

Take a Child by the Hand

There is an old French proverb that goes, "Who takes a child by the hand takes a mother by the heart." I don't know it from a mother's vantage point, but I understand it as one who has invested in children.

Today in the county office I work in, I got to play it out. We don't see very many children in our office, but a mom came in with two little ones in tow. One looked to be about 4 and the other about 2 1/2. She wanted to drop off a Quit Claim Deed to be recorded. While it is not always the case, we see these a lot when there is a divorce in the works. One spouse "quit claims" solely to the other. (There are other reasons as well, but this can be the situation.)

I started examining the document and noted that a couple things were missing. I double checked with a coworker who actually knew the mom from a distance in high school. He came up to help as I was explaining another form that needed to be filled out . . . . And the kids ran in and out the door and down the hall and spun on the stool. Mom picked the little boy up to keep him corralled and tried to listen as I explained. But listening was difficult since he was now sitting on the counter and kicking his feet and trying to figure out an escape route.

Since my coworker had walked up, I decided to opt out of the explaining. I held out my arms to the little boy and said, "Want to come see me?" To mom's surprise, he did. So, I invited him and his sister back to my desk where I let them pick out cat pictures (used page-a-day calendar sheets -- great for scratch paper or impromptu gifts for awed children) and transformed a piece of paper into an origami swan. (Something I learned from my second grade teacher many moons ago!)

They were thrilled and mom thanked me twice. I feel like even in that small interaction, I took her children by the hand and took her by the heart. I gave her a moment's peace and possibly a sprinkling of hope. I'd like to think I did that.

I don't believe in past lives, but if I did, I think I must have been a preschool teacher at one time. In another life, I was probably a lion tamer since I am so in to teaching Mali tricks at the moment. Maybe the two go hand in hand -- taming preschool children?

NIU -- Update

A couple of days ago, I mentioned the possibility of going to NIU for when classes resume as a volunteer counselor. I have more information, but it is still up in the air. I've submitted my name as willing to go and I'm just waiting to hear back. I will keep you updated if I go or not -- whatever is in God's plan.

Either way, please keep praying for the entire campus and all the volunteers that will go. All sense of safety has to have shattered. Imagine being in class one day . . . . a place you felt safe . . . . I imagine there is fear and anxiety on the parts of many students and parents as they anticipate school resuming next Monday.

Pray for God's peace.

God's Response to Tragedy -- Hope Chronicles 18

There are tragedies all around. If you look at the paper or watch the news, it's right there. When I was in high school there was a song out called, "A Little Good News" by Anne Murray. It pursued the idea that one day there could be a newspaper come out that only had good news in it. Wow. What would that be like?


It's a nice thought, but it's not reality. On Thursday, there was a school shooting at Northern Illinois University. The gunman, a student at the University of Illinois, drove to Dekalb and opened fire on a geology class. He killed 4 before killing himself. MSN's home page daily announces to me various tragedies. In August it was the end to the search for the miners and a hot air balloon tragedy that killed two. Then there is also the war in Iraq. Forty-nine died in wildfires in Greece. And then there are the tragedies that I have experienced or the ones people I know have gone through. Kate had an operation because there was an infection in a bone. She has a degenerative foot and leg condition that will only get worse over time. She also has diabetes. She is healing from the surgery, but now they are telling her they think that the bone infection is still there. Another friend lost her husband of 50 years to cancer. Bill died at 41 from an aortic aneurysm. What is God's answer to all of this? Is he silent?


I don't believe He is! In fact, even though life still brings us tragedies, God has already responded. In Faith on the Edge: Daring to Follow Jesus written by several InterVarsity Christian Fellowship staff, Robbie Castleman writes the following (p. 188):


God may not have intervened, may not have stepped in to undo what broke our hearts . . . . We may not understand why God intervened for Peter and not for James. Why some and not all? Why then and not now? All that disciples know is a point in history that gives us hope in tragedy, a point of divine intervention that spans all time: God raised Jesus from the dead.


God has intervened. Life is hard and we struggle, but God has already intervened. Some day we will be with him in heaven and there will be no more pain and suffering. Until then, we rest on the fact that HE HAS ANSWERED all the questions we have in the midst of tragedy and he understands suffering intimately.



___________________________________________________

As I write, I am considering making a trip to Northern Illinois University. I received an e-mail last night that stated that they are looking for 300 MA level volunteer counselors to be in classes over the next two weeks. I think I could pull off going for 2-3 full days. However, the e-mail was woefully devoid of the information I need to make those kind of plans.



Please pray that God would give me wisdom on this. I am acquainted with grief and sorrow and the sense of loss of safety. However, I don't know that I've ever experienced anything quite like this. (The closest was several years ago when I worked in Clinton, IL and 3 kids were drowned in a lake. The counselors at my agency went to the hospital that night and then had daily conversations with our clients about the event.) I have the training they are asking for. I also have 11 years experience working with college students through InterVarsity Christian Fellowship.



But I need more information. I also need God, the greatest of counselors, to go before me if I go.



Because we need peace in the midst of these situations, here is a picture of one of my favorite places in the world -- InterVarsity's Cedar Campus in Michigan.

What Are You Passing On? - Hope Chronicles 8

Why didn't anyone tell me it was a theme week? You guys are suppose to let me in on those things!

Do you remember those days in elementary school or at day camp that were theme days? There was "Backwards Day" or "Hat Day" or "Pajama Day" or whatever. The great dilemma was if you should participate or not. If you came wearing everything backwards and no one else did . . . . Or if you were the only person not to wear a hat . . . .

This week has felt like a theme week. Actually, it's just been the last few days, but it doesn't bode well for the New Year. It has been "How rude can you be?" week. People have been down right mean with no real reason.

Wed. night I worked at the bookstore. There is an educator discount that has to be used for classroom items. A faculty member came up and wanted to use his discount for the paper he was buying. He showed me the card. I read the back and pointed out that it wasn't applicable for the newspaper. He told me that I was "most certainly wrong" and raised his voice and leaned forward. When I tried to show him what it said on the card, he just got more incensed. It was a 20% discount on a $1.50 paper. We are talking pennies not major dollars. His demeanor so alarmed another cashier that she fetched the management.

Thursday I was walking to my car after work. I was crossing with the walk signal. A guy was driving buy and yelled, "Don't jay walk you @!*% #*@!!!" I had the signal. I wasn't even crossing his lane of traffic. I hadn't stepped out in front of him or anything of that nature. I don't have a clue as to what provoked him. Oh, yeah -- it was like 24 degrees out. What possesses someone to roll down their window in that kind of weather and yell obscenities?

Today was my super long day at my data entry job. I go in at 6:30 and leave at 4:30 with a half hour lunch. At 4:20 I answered the phone. The woman said, "You're probably getting ready to close up for the day." I said that we were closing at 4:30, but could I help her? She asked for some information. I told her I couldn't give that to her over the phone but offered to transfer her to an office that could help her. She declined and switched topic to asking about who owned her land in 1911. I explained that the computer system only went back about 30 years and that would involve a search of the books. I also explained that I really needed the parcel number. She pressed. I told her I would like to help her but that there wasn't quick access to that information. I also explained that I am relatively new and hadn't been trained on a book search so I would have to get someone else's assistance. Her response, "Well, that much is obvious!" Major break in the conversation. I think I was stunned into silence. She finally said, "I was just kidding!" I replied, "I'm not at all sure how to respond to your comment." She again insisted she was "kidding." I eventually managed to transfer her to a supervisor.

So, it feels like it has been "How rude can you be?" week. I haven't intentionally participated but have definitely been impacted and it has not been fun!

If nothing else, it has gotten me thinking. I don't know if these people 1) have never been taught manners, 2) were having horrendous days, or 3) have no clue about about social discourse and being polite. Whatever the reason, I think they were passing on despair. I know I could feel the impact.

What do you pass on to others? It can be intentional or not. Sometimes, it can be a kind word or a smile. Maybe it is telling the management at your favorite grocery store when someone was particularly helpful. Maybe it is going out of your way for someone.

New Year's in central Illinois was greeted with snow. I love how it looks, but I abhor the shoveling chore that comes with it. It actually turns me a bit melancholy. I admit that my thought as I set out to shovel on Tuesday was, "Why did this happen to me?" Of course, I am the queen of taking things personally and weather is so personal. Not! And it turned to a long whine of, "Why does everything come down to me?" This is true since I am single. If the vacuum gets run, I have to run it. If the litter box gets changed, it's because I changed it. If the bills get paid, I paid them. But there is a difference in excepting reality and wallowing in self-pity. Yes, I ventured into the realm of self-pity.

God brought to mind the message from this past Sunday. My pastor and friend, Mark Savage, mentioned doing acts of service. One of the examples, he used was shoveling snow. Being in self-centered mode I thought, "I wish someone had surprised me by shoveling my drive!" God tapped me on the shoulder and whispered in my ear, "This is not about you."

















So, I shoveled my neighbors drive and sidewalk and path on the deck and put down salt. Before you shout, "Good job!" please note that I was deeply tempted to quit half way through. It was sheer willpower and the deep knowledge that it would look even worse to have just done half of it than to have done none of it that kept me at it.

And, I was determined to be obedient.

Like me, my neighbor is single. So, everything falls to her as well. My intent, besides obedience, was to pass on a bit of hope. I don't know that she was even home and I haven't seen her and there is no way she would know for sure that it was me. But I do hope that it brightened her day and made her feel cared for.

What do you pass on intentionally or unintentionally? Do you come ushering in a wave of despair that swallows others up in it's wake or do you buoy people towards heaven on the springboard of hope? Check yourself periodically. Make big and little intentional choices to pass on hope!

Side note: While I do have to do most things myself, God blessed me tonight with a couple of helpers. Kolya (13) and Austin's (11) parents were having dinner with friends, so the boys spent the evening here. While I cleaned up from dinner, they took down the Christmas tree (another task I hate). It was down in record time and everything stowed in the basement. We were then free to enjoy an evening of games and playing with the cats. After a difficult few days, they were bearers of hope and peace to me.