40 to 40 (Gratitude 40)

This my last 40 to 40 post. (Though I may have to modify the button and throw in the idea of practicing gratitude every now and then.) I apologize upfront if it is on the long side, but there is so much to say.

Forty years ago today (11:09 EST to be exact), I made my way into this world with my sister close on my heels 5 minutes later. We were born several weeks early. I weighed in at 3lbs 4oz and she weighed in at 4lbs 3 oz. We were scrawny, tiny things. Though it's not the cutest picture of me, this is the earliest picture that I have of me:


But we grew. I think we were fairly cute by the time we were toddlers:




And here is a picture from elementary school which includes my younger sister, Cathy. Can you believe that long blond hair when we had very short, curly, black hair? She took after my father. We took after our mother.


And then the gangliness of the teen age years:



And then came the college years. Here I am with some of the crew from my School of Leadership Training family group:




And here I am just a few days ago with my friend Jill at the surprise party my community group through for me.



Doing 40 to 40 over the past month and a half has been good for me. The first few were easy. Then I hit a patch and it became harder. I didn't want to "cheat" and just start naming people or items, though there were people I mentioned as well as groups of people. I wanted each one to have some memory or really thought out gratitude to it.

My life is nothing like what I imagined as a child growing up. It's nothing like I thought it would be when I was in college. And it is definitely not what I've craved over the last few years. But doing 40 to 40- practicing gratitude- has helped my focus on the positives over the years with things ranging from an elementary school teacher to the church I am in now to an attribute of God. 40 to 40 has kept me focused on the vast amount of things that I have to be thankful for. Does it take away some of my heart's desires? No, but it does put into perspective all that God has done and is doing over the course of the last forty years.

Today's gratitude is that I am thankful that I know a living, personal God who holds me in the palm of his hand. There are several pieces to this:

He knit me together in my mother's womb. I struggle with knowing this deep down in my heart, but I am claiming that God knit me together without dropping a single stitch:

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderly made; (Psalm 139:13-14 NIV)

Not only am I created by God, He has called me by name and I am His. Names are so important. Just think of how good it feels when someone you've met knows your name. As a twin, I was always just one of the twins and always got asked, "Which one are you?" But God has never -- even as only one among billions and billions of people -- had to scratch His head and say, "Which one are you?"

But now, this is what the Lord says -- he who created you O Jacob, he who formed you O Israel: "Fear not, for I have redeemed you: I have called you by name and you are mine. (Isaiah 43:1)

I am a person riddled with fears. Very slowly God is helping to rid me of those fears. Scripture is clear even in the verse above that we should not fear because we have been redeemed by God. Psalm 23:4 puts it this way:

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.

I can hope because God is transforming me. I may sometimes wish it could be quicker, but I am not who I was yesterday or who I will be today. Colossians 1:27 says

To them God has chosen to make known among the Gentiles the glorious riches of this mystery, which is Christ in you, the hope of glory.

More than anything, I can be grateful because God loves me. J. I Packer wrote the book Knowing God. One of my favorite passages in the book says this:

. . . There is tremendous relief in knowing that His love to me is utterly realistic, based at every point on a prior knowledge of the worst about me, so that no discovery now can disillusion him about me, in the way I am so often disillusioned about myself, and quench His determination to bless me.

God's love is utterly realistic. He knows all the bad things I've done, the thoughts I've had, the times when I knew He wanted me to respond one way and I did something totally other. God knows all that and He still loves me.

Even in knowing all of that Zephaniah 3:17 gives a picture of how great His love for me is:

The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing.

It's hard to imagine that God loves me enough that he rejoices over me with singing. His love, despite all of the the things He knows about me, His utterly realistic love wraps around me day and night. It is for this love from a singing God that makes me stand in awe. I do not fully understand it. I do not think it has fully penetrated the depths of my heart and soul, but it is this tenderness and love for which I am most grateful.

And He cares enough to respond to the little details of my heart. I had thought that for this birthday I really wanted a cake. But I couldn't imagine a whole cake just for me and I didn't want to buy one and was unsure about making what I imagined. I imagined a round two layer cake with icing in between. On Friday my small group surprised me for my birthday. Here is the cake:



It was three layers rather than two. And God threw in some raspberry filling to top it all off. I hadn't told anyone about that desire. So, in my mind it shows God's great care even over something as small as birthday cake.





If you didn't see enough of my growing up pictures click here.

40 to 40 (Gratitude 38)

At my church we have things called Community Groups. They are our version of small groups. We meet every other week. I had kind of decided that I wasn't going and had communicated this to Debbie earlier in the week.

As I predicted, it was an extremely busy week. I worked Wed. and Thursday at B&N and I knew I was scheduled to work all day Saturday (8:45-4:00). I thought I would need the veg time with the cats.

I came home and changed and went and worked out. When I got home, I checked my email and had one from my friend Jill saying "Did you get my texts or my messages?" As I was reading it, she knocked on my door. She said something about surprising Joe and Debbie and them not knowing whatever and I shouldn't miss it.

Of course, I was highly suspect at this time, but I went. My community group and Mark and Jill had a party for me complete with a triple level chocolate cake.

The really touching part is the gift Jill put together for me. She had emailed or mailed various people in my life ranging from my student days to my InterVarsity days to the present and had compiled a book of encouraging notes.

I am grateful for all the lives it represents, the people I've intersected with throughout the years. They say that some people are only in our lives for a season. This represents many seasons in my life and are good memories. I am thankful for those memories and for each person involved. Perhaps it is eye opening for someone who feels alone so often to visibly see all those connections. I am grateful for that.

40 to 40 (Gratitude 37)

In these economic troubled times where I sometimes feel a true pinch, I am grateful for having enough to share. I am particularly blessed by my Compassion International children and getting to know them.

Knowing that what I give each month helps meet even there basic needs is humbling in light of everything else I have. So, yes, money is tight, but I am coming to believe that I do not know the true meaning of tight.

I am thankful for the ability to give.

40 to 40 (Gratittude 36)

I am grateful for my friend Debbie. I've only known Debbie about a year and a half. I appreciate it that at times she can help me keep life in perspective.

Debbie is very petite. Her husband Joe is extremely tall. Debbie has said that it took her a long time to realize how tall he was. For most people I think his height is obvious, but I think part of it is that Debbie has enough self-confidence that in her mind she probably is as tall as Joe.

She is always on an even keel and helps me by asking, "So, why does what they think matter?" If you know me at all, what other people think matters intensely to me. Sometimes I need this counter balance to the idea that what people think matters intensely.

I love it when I go over there and she says, "Ella es mi amiga" to her children. (She is my friend. In other words I'm there to see her and not play with them.) I feel like she values my company.

40 to 40 (Gratitude 35)

I am grateful for many of the women at P31. Renee Swope is one of them. She is kind and sweet and fun. I've enjoyed getting to know her over the past year through the blogs and then at She Speaks.

She was one of the people who so warmly greeted me this last conference. One thing I will never forget is a small kindness she showed me. I don't know if she was aware or not of how easily I feel left out. She invited me to have lunch with her. When I arrived she told me that some worship leaders were going to be joining us as well as her assistant.

Renee was primed to sit between me and the worship leaders. Suddenly she shifted to the opposite side of me. Her assistant said something to her while they were standing behind me. I don't believe it was meant for me to over hear, but I did and I was blessed. Renee explained her seating choice based on the high probability that if she sat next to the worship leaders I would be left out of the conversation. I was touched by her thoughtfulness and her desire to have me feel
included.




Renee also gave a very powerful talk that night about being in the shadow of the cross. I was moved to tears by it. As part of it we all got scriptures with a pale word behind them that you might miss if you weren't told they were there. Providentially, my word was "blessed." I tend to see the negative of things, so I don't often associate myself with that word. But as I've soaked it in these last few months I realize that I am very blessed.

40 to 40 (Gratitude 34)

I am grateful for my nieces and nephews. I do not see them much, but when I think of them they make me smile.

Last night in the bookstore I was reminded of my twin's youngest. A little girl came literally hopping into the store making frog noises. When my sister's daughter was three or four she went through a phase where she would only respond to and as the animal of the day. She would be "Baby Horse" one day and "Baby Elephant" another and so on. They eventually had to make a rule that she could be "Baby _________" at home but she had to respond to her name in public.

Kids are so funny.

40 to 40 (Gratitude 33)

I am grateful for trust. This past week I helped with childcare (teen) for my friends' children. One of their older children and his wife stayed with them for the majority of the week. I helped out with transportation after school and then this weekend.

I am grateful that my friends trust me with their children. They were a bit worried that in the midst of so many people helping out that someone would forget somewhere. Remarkably, no one got forgotten as far as I know. Their older daughter actually listened to some phone messages and alerted me that one of the boys had a dental appointment. Between the two of us we managed to get him there and picked up. When I went to drop the boy off, his mom had called the office apologizing that she needed to cancel. She didn't know we had worked it out.

I am grateful for this trust.

40 to 40 (Gratitude 32)

I am grateful for the amazing conference that Proverbs 31 puts on called She Speaks. It is for writers, speakers, women in ministry, teens, and I think they are even beefing up on this blog phenomenon. I went in 2006 and had a good time, but it was a difficult time in my life. I went again in 2008. I had an absolutely phenomenal time. From the moment I set foot in the hotel parking lot I felt like I stepped into family.

To read about my experience at She Speaks 2008 click here for the first, here for the second, and here for the third. There was just too much to put into one post. If you are a woman, a writer, a teen, a speaker, a blogger . . . . check it out.

I was greatly encouraged by the people I met there -- those at P31 and blog friends.

Holly Good, me, Lysa Terkeurst

40 to 40 (Gratitude 30)

I am thankful for kind and compassionate teachers through the years. I was fairly awkward socially with my peers. Maybe awkward is the wrong word. I was invisible. I hid behind a book before class, between class, on the bus. I was so shy that rather than face the lunch room in junior high and high school, I regularly tossed the lunch my mom made me and retreated to the halls to read.

My mom went back to work when I was 10. In junior high, we would sometimes ride our bikes to school. It was 3-4 miles. This gave us mobility before and after school if we needed or wanted to stay after for some reason, we didn't have to wait for my mom to come and get us after 5:00. Pretty soon, my sister and I were riding every chance we got. It wasn't that we loved the ride. It was more that we could then hang out around school and talk to some of the teachers. I remember several teachers who were very kind in just letting us hang out or help out with this or that after school chore. We were a bit starved for attention and their small acts of kindness to a couple of shy girls were a real blessing.

I don't know if they ever knew what that attention meant to us.

40 to 40 (Gratitude 29)

I am grateful for the value that my church places on women. Not to open a theological Pandora's box, but my church allows women to teach and preach. One of the pastors is a woman. I know that this may be controversial for some, but it does make me feel valued as a human being. (And, yes, I do think my church takes scripture seriously. I honestly believe it is one of those issues that honest Christians can disagree on.)

When I was on staff with InterVarsity, the women in ministry issue blew up in my face. We were selecting officers for the next year. We were talking about various options and one of the students turned to me and said, "We won't have a woman president." At first I thought he was joking. He wasn't. He took the issue to my pastor. I went to a church at that time that did not allow women to teach men. I knew I disagreed with the leadership on this issue, but it fit me in other ways so I bit my tongue there. My pastor, instead of making a local call to me, called InterVarsity's national headquarters. He knew me well but couldn't call me first? I was grateful that the vice president that he spoke with backed me and my roll up.

I had been on staff about 3 year and taught numerous times and got good feedback. When this issue blew up, students started staying for worship and getting up and walking out if a woman was teaching. It was heart wrenching to see this exodus as well as disruptive.

I don't teach at my church, but I am grateful for the value that says that I could.

40 to 40 (Gratitude 28)

Today I am grateful for health and health care. Too often I can take these things for granted -- particularly the health care piece. I am thankful that I have health insurance. While it doesn't pick up everything, it picks up a good portion of things.

It makes me sad to think of people who don't have health insurance. That is a scary place to be. But the price of individual health insurance is exorbitant. For almost a year I paid COBRA to keep my health insurance. For just me, it was over $300 a month. I cannot imagine what it would be with a family.

So, I am thankful for my general health even though I feel like I'm catching a cold right now!

40 to 40 (Gratitude 27)

I am grateful for my fourth grade teacher, Mrs. Richardson, giving me a love of history. She was so passionate about it and she helped instill a passion for it in me as well. I remember acting out various segments of Ohio history in her class with forts behind desks and Indians attacking.

More than that, I am grateful for that love of history because it gave me a way of connecting with my grandfather Brooke. Until I was about 10, I don't think that I really connected with him. Then one day at lunch, I was talking about learning about Zane's Trace in Mrs. Richardson's class. He said that Zane's Trace (the first road through the wilderness) was right outside the front door. Indeed, he took us down the road a piece to a marker that marked where a lodge had been built on that first road through the wilderness.

He began showing us arrow heads he found working the fields and telling us all about his little piece of Ohio. From there it grew to sharing about family history. He had a great love for genealogy that had been passed on by his father. They could trace the family tree all the way back to the 1500's in England and the first Brooke (Robert Brooke) immigrant who came with his family to settle in Maryland.

So, why the love of history was nice, the connecting point with my grandfather was even sweeter.

40 to 40 (Gratitude 26)

Several years ago, I hit a slump in my life. To get out of that slump, I decided to learn something totally new, something totally other. I decided to take horseback riding lessons. I had only ever ridden a horse maybe twice in my life. Both times it was while being led around. That hardly counts as riding!

I am grateful that God gave me that idea and that he provided the time and money to be able to do it. (Lessons are not cheap!) I found that I loved everything about riding -- grooming, tacking up, the actual lesson. I even found comfort in the smell of the hay.

I rode the same horse much of the time. Eddie was a faithful partner. I learned more from him than just riding. I learned how to look ahead and past the jumps. I learned that it is always good to have a few carrots on hand as a reward for a job well done. I learned that my mood played out in my body language and impacted Eddie (and probably others around me). I learned not to take myself too seriously when I competed in a local competition and the eight-year-olds could ride circles around me. I learned about life and that you can lose yourself in the depths of a horse's penetrating eye. I learned a lot.

My lesson was once a week, but you could find me visiting Eddie and some of his stall mates 4-5 times a week.