If you asked me what I want more than anything, I would say a family. I know, I should probably say a deeper walk with Jesus. And I do want that, but family has been on my mind lately.
Perhaps it has been on my mind even more lately. I recently had the annual female check up. They had me do a fasting blood draw. It was not good. I was also not in a good frame of mind that day. I see the nurse practitioner. She wanted to go over the results with me. I told her I didn't want to to know. She went over them anyway. Sigh.
But today I went back and they were much improved -- so much so that they won't check it again until I go back in a year.
But I am turning 40 in a few short months -- two months from Wed. So, they scheduled me for a a mammogram. I had one once before when I thought I felt something. It was a cyst. So, this was my second. I knew what to expect. Still, who likes to be squished?
So, when I was getting my blood drawn today, the entire 40 thing was very much on my mind. I told her I had a question but not about the labs. My question was, "At 40 how long do I have to have a child?" Yes, I teared up. She said there are no signs of menopause yet and maybe not even until I'm 50. But after the 35 the quality of the eggs decreases and pregnancy gets riskier.
I suppose it was a silly question. I'm not even dating anyone. I'm not sure I know anyone to date. But that ache is there. Today I just wanted to ask God, "Why give me all the parts and the desire to have children if they are not going to be used?"
No answer yet. But it is a big question.
But then sometimes I think God doesn't "zap" and fix things because there is something I am suppose to learn along the way.
And I am struck by how I opened this post. Why don't I have that same ache that I have for a family that I have for a deeper relationship with Jesus. Yes, the upcoming birthday has stirred things up, but shouldn't my desire always be first and foremost a desire for Him?
So, I'm praying that God would set the order right in my mind and heart. And I'm praying for a "Yes" to both.
