Monday, October 13, 2008

My Heart's Desire

If you asked me what I want more than anything, I would say a family. I know, I should probably say a deeper walk with Jesus. And I do want that, but family has been on my mind lately.

Perhaps it has been on my mind even more lately. I recently had the annual female check up. They had me do a fasting blood draw. It was not good. I was also not in a good frame of mind that day. I see the nurse practitioner. She wanted to go over the results with me. I told her I didn't want to to know. She went over them anyway. Sigh.

But today I went back and they were much improved -- so much so that they won't check it again until I go back in a year.

But I am turning 40 in a few short months -- two months from Wed. So, they scheduled me for a a mammogram. I had one once before when I thought I felt something. It was a cyst. So, this was my second. I knew what to expect. Still, who likes to be squished?

So, when I was getting my blood drawn today, the entire 40 thing was very much on my mind. I told her I had a question but not about the labs. My question was, "At 40 how long do I have to have a child?" Yes, I teared up. She said there are no signs of menopause yet and maybe not even until I'm 50. But after the 35 the quality of the eggs decreases and pregnancy gets riskier.

I suppose it was a silly question. I'm not even dating anyone. I'm not sure I know anyone to date. But that ache is there. Today I just wanted to ask God, "Why give me all the parts and the desire to have children if they are not going to be used?"

No answer yet. But it is a big question.

But then sometimes I think God doesn't "zap" and fix things because there is something I am suppose to learn along the way.

And I am struck by how I opened this post. Why don't I have that same ache that I have for a family that I have for a deeper relationship with Jesus. Yes, the upcoming birthday has stirred things up, but shouldn't my desire always be first and foremost a desire for Him?

So, I'm praying that God would set the order right in my mind and heart. And I'm praying for a "Yes" to both.



LeAnn said...

Sweet Amy,

I so hear your heart in all of your posts but today's post seems especially loud and clear... and personal. I wish I had an easy answer for you. I imagine that when your hearts desire is to have a family - especially children - and your desire isn't within your reach (biologically), it must be very hard to look at the situation with any optimism or to trust that God has a plan for you... He just hasn't revealed it to you yet.

I love that the title of your post is "My Heart's Desire." Amy, I know that you are struggling right now and you seem to be chastising yourself by saying that Jesus should be your heart's desire instead of your earthly dreams being your main heart's desire. But... I know you well enough to know that Jesus truly is your first heart's desire. Just because you have earthly desires (like the rest of us), doesn't mean you should ever doubt that He is first in your life. I can tell by our brief meeting and by your writing that this is true. Hold onto that and let God hold onto you. Trust Him to make His plans clear in His timing. You have no idea what He has in store for you.

I know it doesn't really help when someone tells you to focus on the good stuff. Sometimes you just need to have a pity party (this involves lots of chocolate). But, when you are finished stuffing your face with chocolate and having yourself a good cry, count your blessings and try to imagine what might be waiting around the next corner. Perhaps your idea of family is very different from the one that God has in mind for you? I pray you will find hope in the possibilities!

Love and Prayers my friend,

Joyful said...

Amy, thank you for your honesty here. I'm so glad you're not the 'pat answer' kind of gal.

I pray for you daily and I'll ask the Lord to speak to you tenderly where your heart's desire is concerned.

I have a close friend who is in her early 40's who has never married and she longs for a family as well. The Lord directed her a couple of years ago to adopt a child from China and her long wait is almost over.

I sometimes envy her the freedom she has. She has such a wonderful heart and is so giving. She has enjoyed travelling. She's the first to volunteer to look after friends children so parents can get out for a break. Whenever there's a need she's able to help out without checking her home schedule. Although she would love to be married, she has found much joy in her singleness.

Praying God will help you see His plan.
Love & prayers,

cautious1 said...

I can totally relate to you! I love children but don't have any of my own and at the rate I'm going, it doesn't look like it will be happening anytime soon. I am a year behind you and feel that at this point, the only children I will "have" are my nephews, my niece and all of my friend's children! Perhaps that's why God threw me a curve in terms of my career. I have a business degree but find myself in education. As a high school counselor, I now have 423 "kids" of my own. I too wonder about the things that you do, especially when friends make comments like, "Oh, you'd be a great mom...." or strangers ask, "Why aren't you married?". While sometimes I am frustrated and wonder aloud, "What's wrong with me?", I find solace in the fact that God does have a plan for my life. While my plans or dreams don't coincide with His, he is using me in a mighty way right where I am at. Only God knows what's in store for you and I!
God Bless -

Lelia Chealey said...

My sister is struggling with the same desires Amy. She is painting her house right now preparing for Sarah. A little 1 year old that nobody wants to adopt due to heart conditions. They met last week and Sarah captured Michelle's own heart condition. Next weekend she comes for a visit, then who but God knows after that.
I'll be praying for you sweet friend.
Love you much,

Headless Mom said...

I obviously haven't been around here before but I sure hear the ache in your heart from this post.

I included the below link because it speaks to hearing from God in regards to the timing of having children, or not, I hope you get something our of it.

Blessings today-I will be back!