Holiday Spirit

If you are gaga about Christmas, you might not want to read this. You've been warned. But then, if you are gaga about Christmas, you might have some words of wisdom for me.

I'm not big on Christmas. No, I don't think that makes me Scrooge. Actually, I'm fine with everyone else being all Christmas. Generally, I try not to tear it down. I listen to people who are all excited, but I generally try to refrain from commenting. (Yes, this is an exception!)

I just think that the holidays are hard for a lot of people:

• Maybe there is a loss associated with the holiday
• Maybe they are lonely
• Maybe it causes a lot of financial stress
• Maybe they work retail where the holiday spirit is really more like a feeding frenzy and you ask someone if they want to donate to the holiday book drive and you get snarled at. (Not that anything like that has ever happened to me!)
• Maybe people are far away from family
• Maybe 100% Christmas music (30 different renditions of Jingle Bells in one day) just grates.
• Maybe all the activity makes someone dizzy
• Maybe things get lost in the shuffle
• It could be any number of things
  

I wish I loved the holiday season. I really do. I'd love to be swept away by it. But then, I don't really get swept away by much.

I struggle with the holiday season, but I do love the meaning of it. I love the word Emmanuel, God with us. I learned once that literally it means that God pitched His tent among us. I love that idea. He made His home with us.

And I love that Jesus came in the dark of night. I love that His birth ended 400 years of relative silence from when the Old Testament ends and Jesus is born. I love that Jesus was born in a manger. Some of it is nostalgia from my horse riding days. I know that stables are smelly places, but there is a warmth there too. In terms of the big picture, a stable was a place where even shepherds could go unimpeded. Jesus came to the common man, not just the rich or the kings.

Mostly, I love what I imagine would have been a pause among all creation, when Jesus struggled into the world, and let out that first cry, and then was snuggled close. I love that Jesus knew comfort that way. I love that in the prodigal son, the father ran to hug his son. And though the cross was cruel, I love that Jesus chose to throw open his arms for all eternity because he wants to gather us close and never let go.

I struggle with the holidays for lots of reasons. But I love the meaning behind it. So, I'm praying that the peace of being held close to Jesus would prevail over the chaos and even the anxiety I am already beginning to feel.

40 to 40 (Gratitude 26)

Several years ago, I hit a slump in my life. To get out of that slump, I decided to learn something totally new, something totally other. I decided to take horseback riding lessons. I had only ever ridden a horse maybe twice in my life. Both times it was while being led around. That hardly counts as riding!

I am grateful that God gave me that idea and that he provided the time and money to be able to do it. (Lessons are not cheap!) I found that I loved everything about riding -- grooming, tacking up, the actual lesson. I even found comfort in the smell of the hay.

I rode the same horse much of the time. Eddie was a faithful partner. I learned more from him than just riding. I learned how to look ahead and past the jumps. I learned that it is always good to have a few carrots on hand as a reward for a job well done. I learned that my mood played out in my body language and impacted Eddie (and probably others around me). I learned not to take myself too seriously when I competed in a local competition and the eight-year-olds could ride circles around me. I learned about life and that you can lose yourself in the depths of a horse's penetrating eye. I learned a lot.

My lesson was once a week, but you could find me visiting Eddie and some of his stall mates 4-5 times a week.

Running Circles -- Hope Chronicles 21

It was one of those gorgeous warm spring days. I was thrilled that it was warm enough and light enough in the evening that I could take my riding lesson on Eddie in the outdoor arena. As I brushed him and tacked him up, I noticed that he seemed spunkier than he had in awhile. He was an old horse, and the cold slowed him down.



We were having a great lesson. Eddie moved easily and was responsive to my commands. It seemed to me that we cantered effortlessly. There was no balking at jumps. Eddie seemed to be enjoying the ride as much as I was.

We were only using the outside edge of the arena. Several jumps were clustered at one end waiting to be moved into place for an upcoming show. We took our jump and turned to the left and Eddie inexplicably picked up speed. I tightened and loosened my grip on the reigns several times in a command to slow. He ignored me. In fact, he picked up speed!

Kristi was yelling for me to slow him. I was yelling back that I was trying! Squeeze, release. Squeeze release. But Eddie broke into a gallop. (Please note that while I had been taking lessons for awhile, I had never galloped! Canter was fast enough for me.) It was hard to hear Kristi over the bounding of his hooves and the even louder bounding of my heart.

I desperately tried to remember every instruction I had ever been given. Stay loose -- if you tighten your legs (an instinctual response on a runaway horse) you are actually giving the cue to go faster. Trembling, I managed to pull my leg away from his body. Pull back -- I tried to get his attention with several sharp tugs to the reigns. Circle and make the circles smaller and smaller -- it's harder to go fast when running in small circles.

So, we circled -- my legs swinging as much as I dared and me jerking on the reigns. But we were at the far end of the arena with all the jumps. I didn't dare head to the open area at the other end of the arena. It might give him the idea we were "heading home" -- an idea that made him pick up his step even on the coldest of days.

And we circled and circled, but I couldn't figure out how to make the circles smaller without having to go over a jump. I loved cantering the jumps, but I didn't think I could manage to gallop over one! Kristi continued to shout instructions and twice tried to jump out in front of him to get him to slow. But not knowing what she was doing, I veered away -- afraid that he would trample her.

Ten minutes later he finally began to slow. When he slowed enough, Kristi grabbed the reigns and I slid -- legs trembling -- to the ground. But I was also laughing and proud of myself. I exclaimed, "I've never galloped before! That was exciting! I can't believe I managed to stay on!" With Eddie firmly under her control, Kristi managed to laugh too. One of my difficulites in riding was learning the balance aspect and the fact that I sometimes gave up and let myself fall when I thought it was inevitable. (My first few falls were really minor and didn't hurt much, so I learned the wrong lesson with them!) Kristi remarked that I seemed to have finally gotten the whole balance thing down as well as the staying on at all costs.

I've been thinking a lot about that the last few days. I know I've been oddly silent in my posts. (Heavens, my last post was Tuesday!) But my emotions have been galloping about and it has been all I can do to gather my thoughts. Life is like that evening ride sometimes. We can't slow down emotionally or physically or spiritually. We just keep hurtling on at a neck breaking speed.

But there are some life lessons from that night as well:

• Stay loose. Just like when I was on Eddie, this is easier said than done. I know that when my mind, my anxiety, my fear starts galloping off it's hard to slow it. Paul gives us excellent advice in Philippians 4:8 "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things." (NIV) One thing that I have done in the past is make a "Happy Thoughts Journal". God reminded me of it this week and I dug it out. It is a notebook where I only write positive, motivational quotes. But I've also put pictures in there and copies of encouraging emails from friends.


• Pull back. If life has just gone crazy, it's okay to pull back for a bit. As the psalmist says, God leads us beside still waters. Jesus knows what it is like to be overwhelmed. He made it a regular practice to get up early and spend time with God in prayer. Obviously, we can't just abandon every responsibility, but if we get creative we may find ways to have the calming and restoring moments we need with God.


• Circle in smaller and smaller circles. I get overwhelmed and I start looking at everything and I get more and more overwhelmed. Too often we try to manage life by stuffing our mouths and swallowing life in gulps. Break down the things that need to be done into bite size pieces. Early last summer I was in the throes of depression and totally overwhelmed. A friend told me what she tells her children when they are faced with a room that is cluttered with every toy they own. "Start with one toy and go from there."


• Listen to those around you. Honestly, I don't know what I would have done if Eddie had pulled this escapade when Kristi wasn't around. I couldn't catch everything she said, but it was enough to know she was shouting encouragement. Seek out encouragement from those around you. If you're like me, sometimes this is when you are tempted to skip church or whatever else. Don't. This is when you need it all the most.

Here's to a weekend to relax and gather my thoughts and prayers and leaving the old week behind and starting anew.

Out of Focus -- Hope Chronicles 10

I have found over the years that learning something new is good for me. In 2001, I took my first horseback riding lesson. I don't know what I was thinking. I believe I had been on a horse twice. Both of those times I was walked around while on the horse. It wasn't really riding. But in July 2001, I showed up at the stables in a nearby town and they put me on a horse named Streak. Apparently, at one point, he had been quite the horse and won all kinds of awards. Now, he was a dutiful lesson horse and the instructor taught me how to walk and sit and groom.

At that point I was hooked. The next time I came, I was put on another lesson horse, Eddie. Eddie was probably the largest horse in the stable. He had an insatiable appetite. At one end of the indoor arena, they kept hay above our heads. When Eddie went by, he often had the tenacity to stop and have a snack. He could reach it if he craned his neck up. They called it Eddie's drive through. I quickly learned that I had to have Eddie's full attention and a certain amount of momentum when we were near that hay to keep him from stopping! Eddie, however, quickly became my favorite. The picture is of me and Eddie. Can you tell how big he is?

By April 2002 I was learning to jump. You start out trotting over poles on the ground and then they get raised. Eventually I jumped 18 inch to 2 foot jumps even in a series of 8-10 jumps. It was so like flying!

I confess that I initially thought jumping was all about the horse and that I was just along for the ride. Nothing could be further from the truth! Just as dogs are pack animals, horses are herd animals. As long as the rider has established herself as the leader, they take their cues from the rider. I was amazed to find out that Eddie could tell where I was looking. Did you catch that? I'm on top of him and he can tell where I am looking? I imagined it as if sitting a string ran from my backbone to his. When I looked a certain way, that is (unless being particularly unruly) the way he would go. When I turned my head, my shoulders turned as well. My body position changed and, my best guess, is that is what clued him in.

Back to jumping. Initially, I did think that I was only along for the ride. While he trotted willingly over the poles on the ground, I found that he often came to a dead stop even with poles 6 inches to a foot off the ground. Unfortunately, this had "hard" results for me. At least twice, I went on over the jump without Eddie!

The lesson learned - always look where you are going. When riding to a jump, look up and over it and onto the next one and past that one . . . . When I looked down at the jump, he didn't nowhere to go. Being rather old and disinclined to work, he was more than happy to stop until I figured it out!

In the animal kingdom, there are a few means of protection. One is camouflage. If a predator can't see you, he can't eat you. Then there is fight. This one is typically the last resort for most animals. And there is flight. Horses are flight animals. They spook easily. In herds, there is always a lookout. They run if frightened.

This also played into the jumping. Eddie could tell if I was nervous or scared. Remember the string? My nervousness usually played out all over my body. When we came to a jump and I seemed unsure, Eddie decided (though he had jumped higher millions of times) that he wasn't sure either. So, stopping and looking at the scary jump (that he could merely step over) made more sense than attempting it!

Look where you are going. Ride the next two jumps and not just the one in front of you.

I think this is biblical as well. I believe it is what Jesus did when He went to the cross. The Bible teaches us that Jesus died willingly for us. He chose to do it. But it also tells us that in garden the night He was arrested, He prayed that God would take this cup from Him. He felt enough anxiety about it that his sweat was like blood. Luke 22:44 says, "And being in anguish, he prayed more earnestly, and his sweat was like drops of blood falling to the ground." I read once that this means that he was feeling enough anxiety, anguish, that the stress caused the capillaries in his body to begin to break.

So, what kept Him from fleeing when He knew what was coming? Hebrews 12:2 says, "Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God." What is the joy set before Him? I think it is a couple of things. First, it was being reunited with His Heavenly Father. Second, it was looking down through time at me and you. We are the joy set before Him.

This week has been a rough one. I confess that I have been looking at the jumps and not past them. Sigh. There are so many hurdles: things at work, finances, relationships, loneliness . . . . I did okay Monday and Tuesday, but by Wed. I was falling apart. At one point at work, something came up that I had done to the best of my knowledge. (We'll just say, my knowledge wasn't good enough.) I ended up in tears. I've been working on my eating habits. One week of watching it and eating more fruits and vegetables (up to 4 servings in a day), helped me lose 3.5lbs in a week. This week, I did the same and lost less than a pound. I was clearly anticipating another 3.5! Not so. I had a conflict with a friend. My thoughts have turned repeatedly to things I don't have but deeply long for rather than to being thankful for what I do have. Add to that, the woman's monthly cycle. (I confess to as a teen and in my twenties thinking it was all in everyone's head because it didn't bother me. Then I hit 30 and now I'm only a year shy of 40 . . . . Well, it is NOT all in the head! I'm at those couple of days of I-know-it's-coming-just-get-it-over-with!)

So, it has not been a good few days. Perhaps those things would have bothered me some anyway. But, I know that took my eyes off of Jesus. I looked at the jumps instead of at the prize. I looked at the jumps instead of my hope.

But today is a new day. I can regroup. I can refocus. I can fix my eyes on Jesus.