Anxiety Is My Closest Friend

Anxiety is my closest friend. Seriously. She keeps me up until all hours talking, perseverating. She rings me up in the midst of work, wondering when I will have more time for her, extrapolating on details that make my head spin. She meets me at the door with a pile of bills. Lest I forget, she reminds me of the 101 things that dot my list of things to do. When my attention wanders, she squeals until my eyes, mind, and heart are riveted back on her. She sets my priorities. She pushes me when I just need a moment of rest, reminding me of what might happen if things are tended to. The more insistent she is, the more attention I give her. The more attention I give her, the more insistent she is.

But I would rather have peace. I came upon this definition of peace recently:

Peace.

It does not mean to be in a place

where there is no noise,

trouble or hard work.

It means to be in the midst

of those thnings and still

be calm in your heart.

(author unknown)

So what brings you peace when the world comes crashing in? What brings you pace in the midst of trouble?

Looking at the one who holds me in His hands. Listening to the one who quiets me with His love (Zephaniah 3:17).

But if I know that, why is it so hard?

Because the world is loud with flashing lights.

Because I have so often listened to anxiety and worry that I hear them best instead of listening to the still, small voice, the whisper on the mountain that is God.

So I need to practice listening to God so that I hear him best. I need to train my ears, my eyes, my heart. I need to tune them to the one who can calm my heart in the midst of life.

Any tips on tuning into peace?

Be Anxious About Nothing -- Hope Chronicles 40

It would be so much simpler if there was always a cause and effect. But over the years I've simply found that there isn't always one.

I had a good day yesterday. I slept in and puttered around the house and on the computer. In the evening, I worked at the bookstore. It made for a late night since on Saturdays we are open until 11:00PM and we had been slammed most of the evening. It meant that recovery took us a solid 45 minutes. It probably should have been longer, but the manager was shooing us out the door. It made for a late night but it was still a good day.

I got up about 8 this morning and made it to 9:00 KidStuf. But somewhere in there anxiety inexplicably wormed its way in. There was nothing that I could put my finger on to be anxious about. I don't think that "being anxious about nothing" in this context was what Paul meant when he wrote in Philippians 4:6, "Be anxious about nothing, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God."

I had a couple reactions to the sudden onslaught. My first thought was to flee. Like some of the animals I love -- horses and cats -- I am a flight animal by nature. God whispered in my ear, "Start down that road and it will be hard to turn back. It will become a habit quickly," I stayed and wandered restlessly through the entire break between services.

The anxiety did not lessen second service. Rather, I turned into a puddle and cried during each worship song. Again, there was the feeling of needing to flee. But I stayed.

Well, I stayed exactly until church was over. There was no one on my right. And the person on my left was immediately engaged in conversation. I grabbed my stuff and sprinted to the door.

But the anxiety really had little, I think, to do with church. I got home and still felt anxious.

Anxiety is a hard thing to explain to someone who has never experienced it. It is much more than butterflies in the tummy. Rather, it is like a huge spring in your body being tightened and twisted until it might burst.

Sometimes there isn't much energy associated with it -- just a restlessness. But today, there was some energy behind mine. I made a choice. My first option was to hole up in my bed and pull the covers up. My second choice was to do something. I opted for the second.

I hate yard work. My dad always did all of the outside jobs. It was his domain. Consequently, I didn't learn how to mow the grass until last year. Thankfully, a friend did it for me a few times and then taught me how.

So, I checked the oil and added gas and pulled and pulled and pulled. About the 10th pull (right before I was ready to give up in despair), it started and I began the chore. As I came around the front, I realized that my closest neighbor (our townhouses are adjoined and she is also single) needed her yard done as well. So, when I came to the end of my lawn I kept going. On the swing back, I realized that my other neighbor (a single mom with two girls) needed her yard done as well. I hesitated a moment and then crossed into her yard. I did the 3 yards in long sweeps and hoped my neighbor's neighbors weren't watching and expecting me to keep going and going and going!

Proverbs 12:25 says, "An anxious heart weighs a man down, but a kind word cheers him up." I guess I adapted it to "An anxious heart weighs her down, but doing a kind deed cheers her up."

We now probably have three of the worst cut lawns (given my inexperience) in the neighborhood, but they are cut! Though, not having a weed eater or trimmer or whatever it is I would need, I'm not sure how to get right along the fence . . . .

So, the lawns are cut and while there is still a hint of anxiety, it's not nearly as strong as it was earlier. I feel as if I chose hope when in the past I would have chosen retreat.

Running Circles -- Hope Chronicles 21

It was one of those gorgeous warm spring days. I was thrilled that it was warm enough and light enough in the evening that I could take my riding lesson on Eddie in the outdoor arena. As I brushed him and tacked him up, I noticed that he seemed spunkier than he had in awhile. He was an old horse, and the cold slowed him down.



We were having a great lesson. Eddie moved easily and was responsive to my commands. It seemed to me that we cantered effortlessly. There was no balking at jumps. Eddie seemed to be enjoying the ride as much as I was.

We were only using the outside edge of the arena. Several jumps were clustered at one end waiting to be moved into place for an upcoming show. We took our jump and turned to the left and Eddie inexplicably picked up speed. I tightened and loosened my grip on the reigns several times in a command to slow. He ignored me. In fact, he picked up speed!

Kristi was yelling for me to slow him. I was yelling back that I was trying! Squeeze, release. Squeeze release. But Eddie broke into a gallop. (Please note that while I had been taking lessons for awhile, I had never galloped! Canter was fast enough for me.) It was hard to hear Kristi over the bounding of his hooves and the even louder bounding of my heart.

I desperately tried to remember every instruction I had ever been given. Stay loose -- if you tighten your legs (an instinctual response on a runaway horse) you are actually giving the cue to go faster. Trembling, I managed to pull my leg away from his body. Pull back -- I tried to get his attention with several sharp tugs to the reigns. Circle and make the circles smaller and smaller -- it's harder to go fast when running in small circles.

So, we circled -- my legs swinging as much as I dared and me jerking on the reigns. But we were at the far end of the arena with all the jumps. I didn't dare head to the open area at the other end of the arena. It might give him the idea we were "heading home" -- an idea that made him pick up his step even on the coldest of days.

And we circled and circled, but I couldn't figure out how to make the circles smaller without having to go over a jump. I loved cantering the jumps, but I didn't think I could manage to gallop over one! Kristi continued to shout instructions and twice tried to jump out in front of him to get him to slow. But not knowing what she was doing, I veered away -- afraid that he would trample her.

Ten minutes later he finally began to slow. When he slowed enough, Kristi grabbed the reigns and I slid -- legs trembling -- to the ground. But I was also laughing and proud of myself. I exclaimed, "I've never galloped before! That was exciting! I can't believe I managed to stay on!" With Eddie firmly under her control, Kristi managed to laugh too. One of my difficulites in riding was learning the balance aspect and the fact that I sometimes gave up and let myself fall when I thought it was inevitable. (My first few falls were really minor and didn't hurt much, so I learned the wrong lesson with them!) Kristi remarked that I seemed to have finally gotten the whole balance thing down as well as the staying on at all costs.

I've been thinking a lot about that the last few days. I know I've been oddly silent in my posts. (Heavens, my last post was Tuesday!) But my emotions have been galloping about and it has been all I can do to gather my thoughts. Life is like that evening ride sometimes. We can't slow down emotionally or physically or spiritually. We just keep hurtling on at a neck breaking speed.

But there are some life lessons from that night as well:

• Stay loose. Just like when I was on Eddie, this is easier said than done. I know that when my mind, my anxiety, my fear starts galloping off it's hard to slow it. Paul gives us excellent advice in Philippians 4:8 "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things." (NIV) One thing that I have done in the past is make a "Happy Thoughts Journal". God reminded me of it this week and I dug it out. It is a notebook where I only write positive, motivational quotes. But I've also put pictures in there and copies of encouraging emails from friends.


• Pull back. If life has just gone crazy, it's okay to pull back for a bit. As the psalmist says, God leads us beside still waters. Jesus knows what it is like to be overwhelmed. He made it a regular practice to get up early and spend time with God in prayer. Obviously, we can't just abandon every responsibility, but if we get creative we may find ways to have the calming and restoring moments we need with God.


• Circle in smaller and smaller circles. I get overwhelmed and I start looking at everything and I get more and more overwhelmed. Too often we try to manage life by stuffing our mouths and swallowing life in gulps. Break down the things that need to be done into bite size pieces. Early last summer I was in the throes of depression and totally overwhelmed. A friend told me what she tells her children when they are faced with a room that is cluttered with every toy they own. "Start with one toy and go from there."


• Listen to those around you. Honestly, I don't know what I would have done if Eddie had pulled this escapade when Kristi wasn't around. I couldn't catch everything she said, but it was enough to know she was shouting encouragement. Seek out encouragement from those around you. If you're like me, sometimes this is when you are tempted to skip church or whatever else. Don't. This is when you need it all the most.

Here's to a weekend to relax and gather my thoughts and prayers and leaving the old week behind and starting anew.