Bravery and Bridges

Have you ever said, "I could never do _______?" Maybe it is speak in front of a large crowd. Maybe it is run a mile, let alone a marathon. Maybe it is write a book or learn to dance.

Or have you ever looked at someone else's circumstances with cancer or a drug addicted child or a marital affair and said, "I could never handle that."

With either scenario, we look at the impossibilities. We see all the reasons why we could never pack up and do missions work in Africa. We see reasons why we could never handle a special needs child.We are (at least I am) plagued by impossibility.

I'm posting over at the Internet Cafe today. To continue reading, click here.

40 to 40 (Gratitude 39)

I am thankful for Proverbs 31. I know that I've already named off a couple people and She Speaks, but they all need to go into a gratitude. Since I went to She Speaks a couple of years ago, got involved in the blogging community, and went again to She Speaks year, I have gotten to know some wonderful people.

This past summer She Speaks 2008 was a true highlight for me. I was astounded that the minute I walked in I felt like I was stepping into family. Some of that was due to other bloggers I had met online like Lelia, Nicki, Lisa, and the list could go on and on. It was so great to see them in person.

But it was also wonderful to meet the staff. I've gotten to know a few of them over the past year and then again at the conference. I'm thankful Glynnis being willing to publish a couple of my things in the P31 magazine. I'm thankful for LeAnn and all she did to put the conference together. I'm thankful for people like Wendy and Samantha who did and do so many behind the scenes type things. I'm thankful for the whole lot of them.
Even after this conference they have continued to love on me. I was doing really well at the conference and rode pretty high a couple weeks after. Then due to insurance coverage I needed to change a couple things with my medication. Med changes for depression are really hard.

I called and talked to Melissa some and Terri a bit. They were encouraging that they were all praying.

One day a package showed up. It was a beautiful picture with hands reaching down and some reaching up. It said, "From Jesus." And it was filled with scripture and my name had been inserted in Isaiah 43:1.

But now, this is what the LORD says— he who created you, O Jacob, he who formed you, O Israel: "Fear not, for I have redeemed Amy; I have summoned you by name; you are mine.

I suspected it was from Melissa as she and I had been keeping the most contact. I recently found out that it had been LeAnn's idea and that it truly was a gift from the whole office. I was touched that they would all want to send it.

I've placed it on my desk at work so that whenever I'm frazzled, I can look over and be reminded of God's love and care for me.

I am thankful for the entire P31 team and all they do.

Never Hopeless -- Hope Chronicles 77

Have you ever felt hopeless about a situation or someone else or even yourself? I know that in the face of depression I can feel hopeless. The fall, the coming of the holiday season always tugs me towards depression. I think it is that there are so many hard memories gathered up there. They are what the psychological community would call triggers.

I'm mindful of them at the moment. I am trying to choose hope. I suppose that is what the 40 to 40/Practice Gratitude posts are about.

But while I am mindful, I know there is a sense of desperation, of wanting God to zap whatever issue I am facing -- financial, relationships, health, and depression. I want it all gone. But the question rises up if I believe that God wants to heal those things in my life. I am discovering the heart of mistrust.

I came across this quote from Charles L Allen:

"When you say a situation or a person is hopeless, you are slamming the door in the face of God."

Ouch. I love metaphors, word pictures. The idea of slamming the door in the face of God is visually and almost audibly horrifying to me. It is most horrifying because I know that I do it.

Julie, my counselor, has called me on it at times. No, she hasn't used those words or that quote. However, at times she cautions me on some of the things I say like, "Why keep trying?" or "Things will never get better." Sometimes she cautions that God may take me at my word.

I don't want to slam the door in the face of God any longer. Rather I want to be the woman recorded in Mark 5:21-33 who reached for Jesus' hem, faithfully believing that if she reached out to touch him her twelve years of suffering would end. Jesus felt the power leave him. He stopped and asked in the great press of a crowd who had touched him? She comes trembling, probably sure of a rebuke. But Jesus tells her, "Daughter, you faith has healed you. God in peace and be freed from your suffering."

After 12 years of suffering, I would think that she would have to have felt hopeless. No doctor had been able to relieve her suffering. She must have prayed. She must have asked why.

What is so appealing about her is that even in the midst of the suffering she does not give up. She pushes through the crowd and has the courage to hope enough to reach out and touch Jesus.

I know several people I care about are suffering in one way or another right now. My prayer today is that each of us would not slam and not allow the door to be slammed by others in the face of God. May we keep reaching because God is ever present, ever reaching down to take us by the hand and either heal us or walk through that place of suffering with us. He never leaves us. There is always hope.

The Thief

I finally feel like I'm coming into a good patch again in terms of the depression. But I wanted to share with you something I wrote last week. I was really struggling with seeing it as a failure even though a lot of it could be traced to a med change that was financially related. Still, I felt like a failure. I decided to journal one day about why depression is not a failure. I thought I would share it with you.

Depression is a thief. That is the best description of it. It sneaks into a person’s life and it steals energy, enthusiasm, joy, self-confidence . . . . It hampers relationships and can be a hindrance to work. More than anything depression steals hope. It makes me believe that tomorrow is as dark as today and that it will never get better. It taunts me, shouting at times that it will always be like this, I will never get fully better, and because of that I am a failure of great proportions.

Depression is a thief. But it is also a liar. I must choose ways to find ways to shine truth on those lies. I must fine a way to have the courage to believe:

· Depression is an illness. There is a biological component to it.

· Like any illness it needs treatment. No one would tell a heart attack victim not to go to the hospital.

· I am not defined by depression unless I choose to let it define me. But I choose to be defined by hope and love and faith and not depression and desperation.

Dale Carnegie said, “Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed no hope at all.” I am important. I must keep trying. Perhaps something unexpected and wondrous will come from all these years of effort. I choose hope.

Don't forget to enter the contest. All you have to do is leave a comment about a way in which you are showing what matters to HIM matters to you. Click the world to go to the original post, but comments here will be accepted as well.

Where I'm At

Some of you have noted my absence. (Thanks for noticing.) I have not dropped off the edge of the earth even though it may seem like it. A couple things have been going on:

• We are still playing with a medication change for my depression. This alternately translates into lots of anxiety or no energy at all.
• Second, I have been busy, busy, busy. This weekend all I did was work and sleep. My B&N scheduled went from averaging 9 hours to one week averaging 21! Yeah for the pay check. Boo for my energy level.
  
• As a result of the above, I barely feel as if I have a coherent thought in my head. Seriously, last night was my 4th close in a row. I worked Wed. night, off Thursday, Friday night, Saturday night, and a whopping 3-10:30 on Sunday and then closed Monday. I very literally tried to convince a customer last night that it was Thursday. I chalk it up to not having a weekend!

So, I need to get back into blogging. Hopefully, that can happen over the next few days. Until then, please pray about the meds and about my energy level.

Running Circles -- Hope Chronicles 21

It was one of those gorgeous warm spring days. I was thrilled that it was warm enough and light enough in the evening that I could take my riding lesson on Eddie in the outdoor arena. As I brushed him and tacked him up, I noticed that he seemed spunkier than he had in awhile. He was an old horse, and the cold slowed him down.



We were having a great lesson. Eddie moved easily and was responsive to my commands. It seemed to me that we cantered effortlessly. There was no balking at jumps. Eddie seemed to be enjoying the ride as much as I was.

We were only using the outside edge of the arena. Several jumps were clustered at one end waiting to be moved into place for an upcoming show. We took our jump and turned to the left and Eddie inexplicably picked up speed. I tightened and loosened my grip on the reigns several times in a command to slow. He ignored me. In fact, he picked up speed!

Kristi was yelling for me to slow him. I was yelling back that I was trying! Squeeze, release. Squeeze release. But Eddie broke into a gallop. (Please note that while I had been taking lessons for awhile, I had never galloped! Canter was fast enough for me.) It was hard to hear Kristi over the bounding of his hooves and the even louder bounding of my heart.

I desperately tried to remember every instruction I had ever been given. Stay loose -- if you tighten your legs (an instinctual response on a runaway horse) you are actually giving the cue to go faster. Trembling, I managed to pull my leg away from his body. Pull back -- I tried to get his attention with several sharp tugs to the reigns. Circle and make the circles smaller and smaller -- it's harder to go fast when running in small circles.

So, we circled -- my legs swinging as much as I dared and me jerking on the reigns. But we were at the far end of the arena with all the jumps. I didn't dare head to the open area at the other end of the arena. It might give him the idea we were "heading home" -- an idea that made him pick up his step even on the coldest of days.

And we circled and circled, but I couldn't figure out how to make the circles smaller without having to go over a jump. I loved cantering the jumps, but I didn't think I could manage to gallop over one! Kristi continued to shout instructions and twice tried to jump out in front of him to get him to slow. But not knowing what she was doing, I veered away -- afraid that he would trample her.

Ten minutes later he finally began to slow. When he slowed enough, Kristi grabbed the reigns and I slid -- legs trembling -- to the ground. But I was also laughing and proud of myself. I exclaimed, "I've never galloped before! That was exciting! I can't believe I managed to stay on!" With Eddie firmly under her control, Kristi managed to laugh too. One of my difficulites in riding was learning the balance aspect and the fact that I sometimes gave up and let myself fall when I thought it was inevitable. (My first few falls were really minor and didn't hurt much, so I learned the wrong lesson with them!) Kristi remarked that I seemed to have finally gotten the whole balance thing down as well as the staying on at all costs.

I've been thinking a lot about that the last few days. I know I've been oddly silent in my posts. (Heavens, my last post was Tuesday!) But my emotions have been galloping about and it has been all I can do to gather my thoughts. Life is like that evening ride sometimes. We can't slow down emotionally or physically or spiritually. We just keep hurtling on at a neck breaking speed.

But there are some life lessons from that night as well:

• Stay loose. Just like when I was on Eddie, this is easier said than done. I know that when my mind, my anxiety, my fear starts galloping off it's hard to slow it. Paul gives us excellent advice in Philippians 4:8 "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things." (NIV) One thing that I have done in the past is make a "Happy Thoughts Journal". God reminded me of it this week and I dug it out. It is a notebook where I only write positive, motivational quotes. But I've also put pictures in there and copies of encouraging emails from friends.


• Pull back. If life has just gone crazy, it's okay to pull back for a bit. As the psalmist says, God leads us beside still waters. Jesus knows what it is like to be overwhelmed. He made it a regular practice to get up early and spend time with God in prayer. Obviously, we can't just abandon every responsibility, but if we get creative we may find ways to have the calming and restoring moments we need with God.


• Circle in smaller and smaller circles. I get overwhelmed and I start looking at everything and I get more and more overwhelmed. Too often we try to manage life by stuffing our mouths and swallowing life in gulps. Break down the things that need to be done into bite size pieces. Early last summer I was in the throes of depression and totally overwhelmed. A friend told me what she tells her children when they are faced with a room that is cluttered with every toy they own. "Start with one toy and go from there."


• Listen to those around you. Honestly, I don't know what I would have done if Eddie had pulled this escapade when Kristi wasn't around. I couldn't catch everything she said, but it was enough to know she was shouting encouragement. Seek out encouragement from those around you. If you're like me, sometimes this is when you are tempted to skip church or whatever else. Don't. This is when you need it all the most.

Here's to a weekend to relax and gather my thoughts and prayers and leaving the old week behind and starting anew.

Follow the Tracks -- Hope Chronicles 14

It snowed Thursday night and into Friday morning. And it snowed and snowed and snowed. (I probably shouldn't be surprised given that I live in Central Illinois, but I always hate it anyway!) I knew the forecast before I went to bed. It called for 6-10 inches, so I allotted time in the morning for shoveling and was digging my way out in the 5am darkness. Because of the dirfts it came 3/4 of the way up my calves.

I backed out of the driveway and into the alley. Since it is an alley, it is typically one of the last things on the list for the road department to plow. My wheels spun in the snow. I rocked the car backwards and forwards. At that point, there was only one set of tracks in the snow. I instinctively knew that if I wanted to get out of the alley, I needed to follow those tracks.

So, that's what I did. Even when the tracks ventured right when I would normally go left, I followed them to the right. Together we looped around the subdivision and finally spilled out onto a main street. It wasn't the way I would normally go, but I'm convinced that if I hadn't ventured out of them, I would have been completely stuck.


It seems like everything in life right now is pointing me towards hope. The tracks in the snow are no different.

Just like I needed to follow those tracks to get out of that alley, to follow them right when I would have gone left, sometimes I also need to follow the tracks of those who have gone before me.

One of my favorite Bible characters is the prophet Elijah. The story of Elijah can be found in 1Kings 17 and following. In chapter 18, God calls Elijah to a confrontation with Ahab and the prophets of Baal. It's a wonderful story. I would encourage you to read it! Here it is in brief: Elijah challenges the propehts of Baal to a contest. Whose ever god answers with fire on the altars they built, he would be god. Elijah lets Baal's prophets go first. They dance and scream and entreat Baal to answer them. As time drags on, Elijah taunts them. In verse 27-28 (NIV) it says, "Surely he is a god! Perhaps he is deep in thought, or busy, or traveling. Maybe he is sleeping and must be awakened." So they shouted louder and slashed themselves with swords and spears, as was their custom, until their blood flowed. Midday passed, and they continued their frantic prophesying until the time for the evening sacrifice. But there was no response, no one answered, no one paid attention."

Then Elijah has his turn. He digs a trench around the altar and pours water on it so it runs off the altar and into the trench. God answers in a mighty way with fire from heavent that burns up the sacrafice and even laps up all the water in the ditch! Elijah and the Israelites slay the prophets of Baal.

As is so often the case, after an emotional high, Elijah plummets emotionally. He hears that Jezebel is furious and wants to kill him. He flees. Emotionally exhausted, he sits in front of a broom tree and prays to die. God sends an angel with sustenance. Then he travels to Horeb for 40 days and comes to a cave. God calls Elijah into his presence in chapter 19. It says, "Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the LORD, but the LORD was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake came a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper. When Elijah heard it, he pulled his cloak over his face and went out and stood at the mouth of the cave. "

God was not in the rock shattering wind. He was not in the eartquake. He was not in the fire. When God came, He was in the whisper! How often do I miss God because I am too busy or loud or . . . ? God is often in the whisper.

Elijah (as I probably would) immediately whines to God that he is the only one left and people are after him. Yes, the great prophet whines even after the miracles he has seen. God puts it all in perspective, He gives him a mission (go back) and lets him no that Elijah is not alone -- there are 7,000 in Israel who have not bowed to Baal. And God is sending Elijah a partner.

What tracks can we follow that God and Elijah lay down for us here?

• Rest when you need to. God provided a rest and sustenance for Elijah in the desert.



• Look for God in the whisper as well as the big things of life. Maybe find a quiet spot or quiet time when you can hear Him more clearly.



• Whining doesn't work! Keep things in perspective. How could Elijah think he was the only one when there were 7,000 of God's faithful still in Israel. He did what I often do, he looked at the surface of things rather than reality. He took his eyes off the God who had so miraculously came through and let fear get the best of him.



• Get moving. Energy breeds energy. Get back on task.

Where is the hope? God always leaves us tracks to follow. It's up to us if we will follow those who came before or get stuck in the snow.

______________________________________________________

I did make it into work and worked for about and hour and a half before my boss called me at the office and let me know we would be closed due to the weather! So, I got to come home and do things around the house. While I was trying to take a nap, I realized that Katy had a lot of dandruff/dry skin. (It shows especially on her dark fur.) While cats do clean themselves, its recommended to give them a bath occassionally. It helps get rid of some of the extra fur and takes care of those hard to reach places. They weren't happy and left me to my own devices the rest of the day! I think they were mad I redid their meticulously done hair without permission!

Breaking out of Insanity -- She Speaks & Proverbs 31 Contest

Someone once said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. As a counselor, I know that isn't quite right, but there is a ring of truth to it. I have been dealing with depression since I was 10. That is at least the first time I remember wishing to die. There was no hope of help in my family of origin. We were much to private for anything like that. Thus, I didn't start getting help for it until I was an adult.

Unfortunately, one of the things I have learned is that once you deal with major depression, the likelihood of it recurring increases every time you have an episode.

The fall of 2005 wasn't any different. That fall I went to a conference on abuse called The Wounded Heart put on by author and speaker, Dan Allender. He spoke of an opportunity to go to a conference in May or June that was really along group therapy session. I was hesitant but decided that I needed to do something different. I didn't want to keep running around on that treadmill of depression. So, I called to get information.

There was a long application that had to be filled out that included lots of personal details. I bared my soul and filled it out. Then I found out that you had to do a phone interview as well. So, I anticipated and worried about the call. What would they ask?

The call came in February 2006. They didn't ask much of anything. Instead the call was to say that I wasn't eligible to come! Maybe, they said, in a year --after another year of working with my doctor and therapist. Even though I was nervous and hesitant about the whole thing, I was crushed.

But God had different plans for me. As so often is the case, He gives better gifts than we can imagine.

At some point, Lysa Terkeurst spoke in a nearby town. My counselor, Julie, went to talk. She told me about it and said that she had wished that I could have heard her. She then went on to say that Lysa was going to be in Normal at Hearts at Home. Not being a mom, I didn't think that I could sneak in on that. But I did start checking out her books.

At one point that spring, I emailed her and told her a bit of my story. I was actually surprised that she responded. But as I cruised the web, I checked out Proverbs 31 and found out about She Speaks. Since I had saved for the Wounded Heart conference, I had some money. Having always loved writing, I decided to step out and go. (Please note that I generally hate large crowds, going somewhere like that alone, and traveling alone.)

While I learned a lot about writing and speaking, God used this conference in a mighty way to mend a hurting heart. When I cried on MaryBeth Whalen while trying to meet with her to talk about writing, I think they called the troops out. They got word to me that Lysa wanted me to go to the prayer room and meet with Luanne. I nervously complied (popping in and out several times before staying put). Somewhere in all of that -- talking to MaryBeth, a prayer with Luanne, talking with Teri, and other people -- God wrapped His arms around me and a spiritual part of me relaxed that I don't think had ever relaxed before.

There was a pronounced difference in my life that summer and fall and winter. It turns out it was visible:

• I got a note from one of the members of the church's leadership team saying how touched he was to see me reaching out and talking to people on Sunday mornings. (Me -- the one who assumed no one would want to talk to her.)


• We had a game night in Dec. Even at those things, maybe even more at those things because of the lack of structure, I often felt out of place and was quiet and reserved. That night however, I belly laughed so hard I cried. A couple people announced that watching me was more fun than playing the game. This normally would have sent my self-conscious self into a spin. But, I took it for the compliment it was.


• In Feb. my pastor had me come up and tell the church about starting a private practice in counseling. He said something about the change in me and the church whooped and hollered!

With starting a private practice, I didn't feel like I had the funds to go last year. And then tragedy struck and a dear friend died very suddenly. After one of the most significant breaks in the depression I had ever had, I felt the depression sink it's teeth into me again.

I am working through it. And have determined to "not just do the same old thing and expect results." While I am still going to counseling and all of that, I've had some more practical pieces to the plan: keeping scripture always in front of me, taking a class through a local Christian group, writing weekly on hope to fix my eyes on Jesus, and finding ways to feed my soul.

So, I want to go to She Speaks again for two reasons. First, I think it would feed my soul. Second, I believe with all the writing I have been doing about hope, that a book is forming and God is calling me to go this time with a complete proposal and pitch it. That's scary since I fear rejection, but . . . . Even if it doesn't get accepted, I think I may be writing it as much for myself as for anyone else.

But money is very tight. The business has never really taken off. Along with the depression there has been an increase in doctor bills. This is not to mention two falls -- one off a horse where I broke my tail bone and one fall down a full flight of stairs while playing with my niece where I fractured a few fingers and sprained a knee and ankle. And my roommate moved out this summer and I haven't been able to find a new one. So, it is tight. Yet, I'm cutting away every inch I can to try to be able to come.

Proverbs 31 is sponsoring a scholarship contest. So, this is what I'm entering. These are the reasons I want to go. You can find out about She Speaks by clicking here and you can enter the contest by clicking P31 Contest

Perhaps, it is selfish to want the scholarship since I've been blessed by being able to go once. I don't know. But, it never hurts to try for something. God will somehow provide a way.

Thanks for reading all of this. I hope you will consider going!

The Determined Life

I don’t know what I was thinking except that I needed to do something completely different to get out of the particular hole I was in the summer of 2001. (Unfortunately, having struggled with major depression and posttraumatic stress disorder for 28 years, there have been lots of holes!) I had found in the past that learning a new skill, something in which to invest the intensity of my emotions, often helped. Knowing nothing about horses and having been led around on one only twice in my life, I showed up at the stables in a nearby town and they put me on a horse named Streak. Once upon a time, he had been quite the horse and won awards. Now, he was a dutiful lesson horse and the instructor taught me how to groom him, sit properly (More complicated than you might think!) and walk him in big, lazy circles. At some point as I rhythmically swayed in the saddle, I intrinsically knew that I had found my next new skill to learn. Little did I know that I would learn a lot about life as well!

The next week, I was put on another lesson horse, Eddie. Eddie was the largest horse in the stable and had an insatiable appetite. Hay was kept above our heads at one end of the arena. When Eddie went by, he often had the tenacity to stop, crane his neck up, and have a snack. They called it “Eddie's drive through.” I quickly learned that I had to have Eddie's full attention and a certain amount of momentum when we were near that hay to keep him from stopping! Eddie, however, quickly became my most trusted partner.

By April 2002 I was learning to jump. You start out trotting over poles on the ground and then they get raised. Eventually I jumped 18 inch to 2 foot jumps even in a series of 8-10 jumps. It was so like flying!

I confess that I initially thought jumping was all about the horse and that I was just along for the ride. Nothing could be further from the truth! Just as dogs are pack animals, horses are herd animals. As long as the rider has established herself as the leader, they take their cues from the rider. I was amazed to find out that Eddie could tell where I was looking. Did you catch that? I was on top of him and he could tell where I was looking? It was if sitting a string ran from my backbone to his. When I looked a certain way, that is the way he would go. When I turned my head, my shoulders turned as well. My body position changed and this clued him in.

While Eddie trotted willingly over the poles on the ground, I found that he often came to a dead stop even with poles inches off the ground. Unfortunately, this had hard results for me. At least twice, I went on over the jump without Eddie!

The lesson learned - always look where you are going! When riding to a jump, look up and over it and onto the next one and past that one . . . . When I looked down at the jump, he didn't know where to go. Being rather old and disinclined to work, he was more than happy to stop until I figured it out!

In the animal kingdom, there are a few means of protection. One is camouflage. If a predator can't see you, he can't eat you. Then there is fight. This one is typically the last resort for most animals. And there is flight. Horses are flight animals. They spook easily. In herds, there is always a lookout. They run if frightened.

This also played into the jumping. Eddie could tell if I was nervous or scared. (Remember the string?) My nervousness usually played out all over my body. When we came to a jump and I seemed unsure, Eddie decided (though he had jumped higher millions of times) that he wasn't sure either. So, stopping and looking at the scary jump (that he could merely step over) made more sense than attempting it!

Look where you are going. Ride the next two jumps and not just the one in front of you.

This is biblical as well. I believe it is what Jesus did when He went to the cross. The Bible teaches that Jesus died willingly for us. He chose to do it. But it also tells us that in garden the night He was arrested, He prayed that God would take this cup from Him. He felt enough anxiety about it that his sweat was like blood. Luke 22:44 says, "And being in anguish, he prayed more earnestly, and his sweat was like drops of blood falling to the ground." (NIV) He was feeling enough anxiety, anguish, that the stress caused the capillaries in his body to begin to break.

So, what kept Him from fleeing when He knew what was coming? Hebrews 12:2 says, "Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God." (NIV) What was the joy set before Him? It was a couple of things. First, it was being reunited with His Heavenly Father. Second, it was looking down through time at you and me. We are the joy set before Him.

I confess that I have wasted many of my 39 years looking at life’s jumps. Okay, the truth is, I’ve wasted too much time looking longingly into life’s arena rather than even attempting riding. Once I started riding in the arena of life, I’ve found myself paralyzed by fear and anxiety, unable to step over the smallest hurdle let alone tackle the higher jumps.

I had to learn to ride Eddie with determination and look beyond the jumps. Now, I am learning how to live with determination. I will not be defined by life’s tragedies and circumstances. I will be defined by the One who paid so dearly for me.

How does this play out in day to day life or when I am in a major depressive episode? Several things come to mind.

• Stay close to God through prayer and scripture.


• Keep scripture always in front of you. A friend has been encouraging me for several years to write out scripture on index cards and stash them all over the house, the car, at work, . . . . I’m finally doing it!


• Lean into a community of believers. Riders in shows or on the Olympics always look pristine. However, the truth is that horseback riding is downright dirty! Stables are dirty and dusty and horses sweat! I like to be clean, but I found caring for Eddie was a joy. I liked the intimacy of the moments spent brushing him down. Being in a community of believes means getting down and dirty too! Share your dirt and let someone help brush it away and do it for them!


• Look past the jumps! Maybe it is a struggle with weight, problems with you marriage or a friend or a child, conflict, health issues, things from the past, or depression. It’s hard work, but choose how you think. I literally had to think my way over the jumps while riding. Now, I have to do it in life as well. I struggle so much with negative thoughts that this year I’ve committed to writing weekly on some aspect of hope to combat that negative pull.
  
  Above all else, fix your eyes on Jesus. He is the joy set before us!
  
  *I certify that this is an original work. It is reworked from a blog posted on 1/12/08 on this site. If selected, I give Proverbs 31 permission to use this work.
  

The Future Is Nothing To Fear -- Hope Chronicles 7

I struggle with depression. I can honestly say that I think the depression started when I was 10. That is, at least in my recollection, the first time I wished that I was dead. I've struggled with it off and on now for 28 years. Sometimes I get a break for a a few months, but it has been more on than off. A couple years ago, I got about an 18 month break in the depression. It all flew out the window when a friend of mine died this spring. I completely crumbled.

I'm probably an unusual depressed person. I'm fairly functional. I manage to hold a job and all of that but fall apart all around the edges. After struggling with it for so long, I know the symptoms and what to do. I keep busy, see the doctor and therapist regularly, take the meds, watch my thoughts, work hard at connecting with people even when I don't feel like it, . . . .

I know there was a precipitating factor, but having the depression hit so hard the last few months has been really difficult. I struggled with what the point was in keeping going because statistically every time I have a depressive episode I am more likely to have another. Why not give up?

Because there are points when I feel better.

Because there are people who care.

Because God wants me to keep going.

Because of things like faith and hope and love.

I am doing better. The last 2 weeks have been a major turn around. (That is good news!) I saw my doctor yesterday. She was totally thrilled. But then in the midst of it she said, "While you are doing well, we need to strategize the best way to handle the next one." I understand what she is saying, though I would love it if God made it so the depression never came back.

As I contemplated the discussion yesterday and today, I've felt fear creep in. Fear is a thief. It steals joy and peace and takes my eyes off of God. I came across this quote from Max Lucado in GOD CAME NEAR today and it spoke to me:

Such moments are necessary because they remind us that everything is okay. The king is still on the throne and life is still worth living. Eternal instants remind us that love is still the greatest posessession and the future is nothing to fear.

Do you know what he is talking about? Have you ever had an "eternal instant"? It's those moments when life just feels so right. Maybe it is when your child hugs you or you see a sun set. I know I've had them over the years. One of the most recent was when I had a friend's children spend the night with me. I was putting them to bed and Elena asked, "Do you have a Bible?" They wanted to hear a Bible story. I explained that I had a Bible but I didn't have one for children. They made sure that I knew that their parents read to them out of the "regular" Bible. So, I read to them about David and Goliath from my regular NIV. I was so touched to see their tender hearts towards scripture. There have been eternal instants: baking with a friend, sitting on a porch, cuddling with my cat. Eternal instants are ones that push back the darkness and fear. What was your most recent "eternal instant?"

As Max Lucado writes, the King is still on the throne. Life is worth living. In spite of what the world and our circumstances might say, the future is nothing to fear.

Because it seemed fitting in starting off the New Year, I've reprinted this from my xanga blog dated Sept. 1, 2007 -- www.xanga.com/BabblingBrooke135

Choose Hope -- Hope Chronicles 4

My chosen profession is counseling. I am currently starting a private practice after having worked in the field for 5 years. It's a challenging profession because you are often dealing with people's misery. Happy people (unless they are at the end of counseling or maybe in it for mental maintenance) rarely see a counselor. One thing that has struck me is that misery is often the result of seeing life as out of control. Life "happens" to the person rather than them having any control over it.

To be sure, there are things in life that do "happen" to us: death, sickness, an accident, etc. But we often have a choice as to how we will respond to these things. That choice often makes all the difference.

The actor Christopher Reeve once said, "Once you choose hope, anything's possible." Well known for his roles as Super Man, Christopher Reeve later took a fall from a horse and became a paraplegic. So, how can one who was confined to a wheelchair and unable to do the most basic of things, have hope? I believe that it is that he chose hope.

Choosing hope is not an easy thing. It takes determination and a mindset that pushes back the darkness. I struggle to make the choice to choose hope. But knowing that it is a choice, I believe, is the first step. For when we do not think we have a choice in things, we sink into misery. Sometimes the evidence of the choice to chose hope are in the small things for me: putting on a smile, biting back the harsh word, even getting out of bed on the days that depression sinks its teeth into me. They are all choices that make everything else possible.

Hope Dwells With Us -- Hope Chronicles 2

This past year was a rough one. A year ago last fall, I fell off a horse and broke my tailbone. I don’t know that I’ve ever felt something so painful! I couldn’t walk or sit comfortably. I couldn’t bend without aggravating it. I resorted to a donut pillow to make it through work.

At the end of March I was playing Hide-and-Seek with my 5-year-old niece. As I stealthily tip toed up the stairs, I missed a step and fell all the way down the stairs. I sprained my ankle, my knee, and fractured a couple of fingers. I suppose I should have been grateful that it wasn’t my dominant hand, but do you know how many things require two hands to do them? I made huge messes in the kitchen and because of my ankle and knee they were painful to clean up.

Within a month, a dear friend had died and I was an emotional wreck. I ended up with major stomach problems. I couldn’t keep anything down for 8 days and had to go to the ER to get fluids.

I mention all of these times because they are times when I felt helpless to do even the most basic thing. And with that helplessness came a sense of hopelessness. What was the use of trying?

Recently, I was watching a TV show. They referenced Dante’s Inferno. In the story, Dante visits the eight circles of hell. The quote they referenced was a quote on entering hell, “Abandon hope all who enter here.”

Abandon hope. Most of probably don’t like the sound of that. I don’t know that Dante’s description of hell is accurate, but in this one thing, I think it is probably right. Hell, it would stand to reason, would be a hopeless place.

I admit that there are times that I’ve abandoned hope. I tell myself that things won’t get better. I say that I could pray but God wouldn’t hear me. I tell myself all the things that are wrong with me. My thinking often does me few favors in times like those.

Luckily with prayer, counsel, and sometimes medication, I’ve come out of those dark places of the soul.

But really what brought me out of those places was that even though I may have abandoned hope at times, hope –the HOPE – has never abandoned me. In fact, that HOPE – Jesus – came from heaven to earth and then to the cross so that I would never have to truly be without hope.

Matthew 1:22-23 says, “All this took place to fulfill what the Lord had said through the prophet. ‘The virgin will be with child and will give birth to a son, and they will call him Immanuel’ – which means ‘God with us.’”

Immanuel. God with us. I remember learning once that the more literal translation means something along the lines of “He will pitch his tent among us.” In other words, he wasn’t just passing through. When God came to his people, he dwelt among them, lived among them.

And His presence remains with us to this day. Immanuel. God with us.

We may abandon hope, but HOPE never abandons us. HOPE goes to the ends of the earth so that we know we need never be without hope. Immanuel. God with us.