Afraid of What We Triumphantly Faced Before

"Hadley, leave it!"

Pounding feet and barking greet my ears.

"Hadley! LEAVE IT!"

Occasionally, she will leave it. It (in many cases) is my cat Mali. Don't get me wrong, for a cat and dog they actually do reasonably well together. But, sometimes Mali boxes Hadley's ears for no apparent reasons. Other times, even the slightest movement on Mali's part results in a game of chase and barking on Hadley's part.

As annoying as these moments are (especially since leaving a running cat is next to impossible for my pup), I have noticed something interesting. Hadley is obviously not afraid of Mali. As a general rule, she does not cower around her. She and Mali sometimes sit calmly nose to nose. And she chases her. Who chases what they are afraid of?

As well as "leave it," Hadley and I are also working on "Come." She's actually doing fairly well with this. She will scamper to me with her tail wagging and is typically rewarded with a treat.

However, there are times when this is not the case. For example, the other morning she had chased Mali upstairs. Since "leave it" was not working, I called for her to come.

Silence.

I called again.

Mournful barking.

Curious, I went to the bottom of the stairs only to find Mali (whose is almost exactly half Hadley's size) barring the way. Hadley's head was down and she was admitting pitiful whines. She wanted to obey but Mali sat there triumphantly -- the queen of the castle -- blocking her way.

The scenario was comical, but it also begged a question. Why was Hadley giving chase one moment and cowering the next?

The scene tugged the story of Elijah (1 Kings 17-19) to mind. Elijah lived during a time when it was dangerous to be a prophet of God. God had the prophets in hiding. For a couple of years, God took care of Elijah in miraculous ways -- being fed by ravens and later an unending and miraculous supply of flour in a widow's house. In the third year, God decides it is time to confront the evil king Ahab and queen Jezebel.

Through Elijah, God confronts Jezebel's prophets of Baal. They both build altars and declare that the god who answers with fire is the true god. Baal's prophets go first and call on Baal -- slicing themselves and dancing to get his attention -- morning to past midday. No answer.

Elijah's turn. The altar is built and he pours water on the sacrifice and altar three times. There is trench around the altar and the water fills the trench. Then Elijah prays to God and fire comes down, burns up the offering, and laps up the water in the trench. God answered. Elijah had all the prophets of Baal put to death.

It was a great victory for Elijah and an even bigger victory for God. But Jezebel is not cowed. She is angry. She vows that she will kill Elijah -- whom God has protected and done mighty works through. Perhaps we can understand her anger.

But the perplexing bit is Elijah. He turns and runs. And when he interacts with God, he whines about his plight.

What changed? Did God abandon Elijah when Jezebel threatened? No. God never changes. Rather than look at the God who had just displayed His might and authority, the God who had cared for him in miraculous ways, Elijah turned his back and looked instead at his circumstances.

With his back to God, he stared intently on the threat on his life.

Don't get me wrong. I understand it. Been there. Done that. But it is a reminder to me. When I feel afraid or panicked or hopeless, where are my eyes? Are they on my God or on myself and my circumstances?

Sometimes a cat can look like a lion. At those moments, we need God's vision to put everything back in perspective.

How can you adjust your vision today?

Shaking Off Fears

Fear is one of those things with two sides, like two sides of a coin. On one hand, there things that it is healthy to be afraid of like the hot stove. These fears keep us from getting hurt.

But then there are fears that keep us from achieving what God may want us to do. These are the fears that say, "You can't do that" or "What will everyone think if you mess up?" I am way too consumed by these kinds of fears. They often keep me from trying, striving.

As you may know, I've started running the last couple of months. It's a program called "Catch the Wave" put on by the local running club for beginning runners. I missed the first two weeks, so I was already behind when everyone was suppose to run 6 minutes the third week. I struggled to keep pace with the lowest group, Group 10.

The next week, they added a transitional group and called it Tiger. I must of spaced on the idea of it being a "transitional" group and was sticking with that group. Last week, our leader was out so another experienced runner led the run. I ran fairly far ahead with her and we circled back periodically for the other members of the Tiger group. She told me four times that I should move up to Group 10. My initial reaction was, "I can't." It was intimidating to think about. Last week the Tiger group ran 4 and a half minutes and walked 2 and repeated that pattern. The other groups were running 16 and walking 4 or 5 minutes in between the running intervals. How could I even think of jumping up that much?

And then there was the other consideration. I've enjoyed getting to know Katie and Chris in the Tiger group. I would be moving up to a group where I didn't really know anyone. I have a definite anxiety about being around people I don't know.

I decided to take the leap. Tonight, I ran with Group 10. The plan was 5 minutes walking, 20 minutes running, 5 minutes walking, 20 minutes running, 5 minutes walking. My mind started going with the "I can't" statements before we started. But I decided to not look at my watch and just run.

Somehow, I ended up at the front with one of the leaders. It was a slow pace, but I needed that. I found myself acutely aware that people were running right behind me and if I slowed down I might get stepped on. Amazingly, I made it 17:30! I did a 7 minute walk and then tried the second 20. I actually made it about 12 out of the 20 during that stint.

My legs feel a bit like jello, but it is a happy, satisfied feeling.

How do we shake off fears?

1. Ask God if it is what He wants us to do. Is God concerned with my running? Maybe to a degree, though it isn't likely to impact things much. He is more concerned when I short change myself and, more importantly, Him.
2. Focus on the task at hand and not the fears. I just needed to run. I didn't need to worry about the time. My task was to put one foot in front of the other and just keep moving.
3. Focus on the God who gives strength and endurance. Things aren't always over with quickly. (It's amazing how long 20 minutes is!) In life, things can take years.
   

Elijah was a prophet who stood up to Ahab. But before things came to a head in 2 Kings, Elijah went through a drought/famine lasting several years. He was also pretty much on his own in terms of comrades. There were other prophets that God had saved, but none of them were near Elijah. Then God sends him to confront Ahab and Ahab's wife sends people out to kill Elijah. There were lots of scary situations. But God was with Elijah.

Maybe that is an over simplification of things. I need to figure out how to apply it all in the rest of life. But for today, I feel like I gave the fear of "I can't" a good swift kick.

A couple years ago, my friend Allison tried to teach me to run. She moved suddenly and the running stopped. I had a goal of running a mile straight. If I reached that goal, I told her girls I would take them for ice cream. I called her tonight to tell her they needed to do an ice cream run. That was a fun phone call -- even if it was a couple years in the coming.

A Child's Fear

I just got home from BN a bit ago. I thought it was just going to be a typical night. But God stirred up an old longing.

I staffed Kids for most of the night. When Will went on lunch and break, I covered customer service. At one point, a boy about 9 or 10 walked up with tears in his eyes. "I can't find my mom or dad, " he said as he struggled to hold back the tears.

I got their names and paged them to customer service. They were there in an instant. "We were right . . . ." The dad paused mid sentence and took in his son's face. "Come here, Buddy." And then there were hugs.

I was reminded of a story my mom told about when my sister and I were 2 or 3. We had arrived home from a trip to the zoo and had both fallen asleep in the car. My mom carried my sister inside. Before she knew it, our neighbor was at the door with my twin and I. She had plucked us from the car when we awoke screaming and disoriented for our mother.

I don't know how many times I heard this tale. But it struck me tonight that the part that was always missing was where she gathered us in her arms and told us it was all okay. The retellings always felt like being chided for having such silly childhood fears in the backseat of our familiar car in our familiar drive way when she had only been gone for minutes.

It hit me tonight. That the parental reaction tonight was the one I longed for as a child and even sometimes as an adult.

So, I'm rolling it around in my brain. How does God respond in the midst of my fears?

He scoops me up and holds me close. He whispers in my ear. He does not chide. He stands beside me, even leads me even in the valley of the shadow of death. He comforts me. And then, He gives me rest.

The Package

This brightly wrapped package has been sitting on the edge of my coffee table since mid June. I'm not sure why I've left it there. I really should put it away somewhere because it has been a constant reminder of the friendship that almost was.

I met someone in kind of an odd way early this summer. For some reason, I had voiced the feelings of loneliness that sometimes plague me. Her response was that she would be my friend and after she got some exams out of the way within the next month we could hang out. I was thrilled. She genuinely seemed to like talking to me and called me a few times.

One day another friend and I were going to see Prince Caspian. When I told this woman this, she voiced how she wished she could go and how she wished that she had read all of the Narnia books straight through. She really couldn't go to the movie but later that week I spied a thick volume of all of the Narnia books in one. I picked up one for her and one for me. It was suppose to be a 'just because" kind of gift.

I invited her to come by. She had several things going on. I told her that I had something for her and it wouldn't take long to pick it up. She never came by and I was never able to reach her again.

So, that package has sat on my table while I keep hoping she will call. But now it is more of a reminder of a friendship lost than anything. I think it is time to put it away or find someone else to give it to. It has been 4 1/2 months.

The last several days it has gotten me thinking of all the packages that go unopened in our lives. Yes, maybe one is a friendship. Another might be some talent we've longed to develop but haven't taken the time for. It could be a book or THE BOOK that remains unopened on our night stand.

All things keep us from opening them. Time. Fear of rejection. Fear that things won't go the way we hoped.

But each time we leave a package unopened we close ourselves off to the joy that might be packed away in there. And maybe even miss the joy of being able to bless others with whatever the package might contain.

I have this thought of God sitting on His throne in a package strewn room. Some of us are there, too shy to take the one He offers or too fearful it may not be what we wanted. But then we need to trust that God knows best.

What package will you open today?

For me, I need to concentrate on my book proposal -- who else to send it to and just keep writing it. Yes, it is a long shot, but I think I took the chance at She Speaks and then packed it away. Now, it's time to reopen it and start working on it all again.

Princess or Stray (Part 2) -- Hope Chronicles 19 cont.

During World War II, many children in England had to evacuate due to the fighting. (If you are a Narnia fan, you’ll recall that this is why Peter, Susan, Edmund, and Lucy end up at the Professor’s house.) Some ended up in kind situations. Others pretty much had to fend for themselves. Because of the fear of losing their lives, the fear of what would come to tomorrow, the fear of not having enough, some of the children had trouble falling asleep at night. It must have been God inspired, but someone had the idea of giving children bread to sleep with each night. With the bread in their hands, they knew they had something to eat and would have something to eat for the next day too. With the comfort of the bread, the children were able to sleep.

I believe that there is such a think as a national psyche. I don’t mean that to sound New Age-ish at all. But there are things that happen in each generation that shape how that generation thinks and feels. Sometimes, some of those things are passed on to the next generation.

Some things that have impacted our national psyche at various points are the Vietnam War, 9/11, Kennedy’s Assassination, the Great Depression, Colombine, . . . . These things shape how whole generations think and feel.

Do you recall how Jacob and his sons ended up in Egypt? The quick version: Jacob favored Joseph. Joseph’s brothers got jealous, sold him into slavery, and told Jacob that his son was dead. Meanwhile, Joseph found favor with God and God brought him from a slave to the second highest in the land of Egypt. Then there was a famine and Joseph’s brothers end up in Egypt wanting food . . . . There’s an amazing reconciliation and everyone joins Joseph in Egypt. But eventually the Egyptians get wary of the Israelites prosperity and force them into slavery for 400 years.

It stands to reason that Israel’s psyche was impacted by the famine and servitude. They lived in a land and mindset of “never enough.” But God is with them and He calls them out of Egypt, sends plagues on the Egyptians that don’t touch the Israelites, and performs miracles like parting the sea. They saw God work in mighty ways!

In Exodus 16, the Israelites grumble because they are hungry. God gives them quail to eat in the evening and manna (bread) to eat every morning. He gives specific instructions that no one is to save any of the manna overnight but promises there will be more the next day. Having the heart of a stray, some of the Israelites disregard these instructions. The next day it stinks and is full of maggots (Gag!).

A couple thousand years later, I can look at the Israelites and shake my head and ask, “What were you thinking? God gave you specific instructions!” But then, I suppose, people can look at my life and ask the same haunting question, “What were you thinking? Didn’t you believe God’s promises?”

Yeah, but . . . . You get the picture. Just like the Israelites, sometimes I operate out of a stray, never enough heart.

Mark recounts that when Jesus sent the disciples out in twos he told them not to take any bread, bag, money, or extra clothes. They were to go with the sandals on their feet and a staff. I think I would have struggled to follow those instructions. When they return the emphasis is on the fact that they preached repentance, drove out demons, and healed people. There is no mention of going hungry. Rather, it seems that God provided for them.

The next circumstance Mark recounts is that people followed Jesus and his disciples on their little get-away. Jesus has compassion on them and realizes that they will be hungry. The disciples are aghast when Jesus tells them to feed the crowd (upwards of 5,000) even though they have already experienced God’s provision.

They scrounge around and come up with five loaves of bread and two fish. There – in the wilderness or desert – Jesus feeds 5,000+. Not only does he feed the 5,000, there are 12 basketfuls of leftovers! With Jesus there is more than enough.

Jesus disciples live in a the land of plenty – of more than enough – without realizing it!

Let’s go back to the princess and the stray from yesterday’s post. Which one do you identify with Mali (my stray) or Katy (my princess)? Do you live in “Never Enough” or “Plenty?”

If you come from a difficult background, my guess (though there may be exceptions) is that you operate from a stray heart. The anxiety of never having enough (food, love, whatever) sinks deep roots.

But even if you did have enough or had a pleasant childhood, you may still dwell in “Never Enough.” Remember the elder brother in the parable of the Prodigal Son? He was never in want, but jealousy over the reunion his father gave his younger brother was quick. Part of a never enough mentality or stray heart is a wariness about others getting what they don’t deserve (or you think they don’t deserve). Is your first thought, what about me?

I confess that over the years I have been a stray at heart. I’ve been vigilant about things being equal or fair. Even though I try, at times it is hard to be happy for another’s good fortune. I too often quickly think, “What about me?”

So, how do we turn a stray heart into a princess heart? Any ideas?

Check back for the conclusion in a day or so!

First To Say "Hello"

I went to the mall today. Apparently, there is something wrong with my X chromosomes because I avoid the mall at all costs. I'm devoid of the "female shopping" gene. In fact, I don't remember the last time I went to the mall. No -- it wasn't at Christmas. It had to be way before that! (To pay for Christmas this year, I got a part time, seasonal job at Barnes and Noble. So, practically everyone, with very few exceptions, got something I could pick up there. The pay could be better, but the discount was really nice!)

But, a friend is having a birthday soon and I hadn't run across anything yet to get her. (No luck at the mall either! Which means I may have to go back and look some more or think of something creative.) Shopping for me is a sprinting event. First, you need to know exactly where you are going. Second, you devise the plan as how to get there and get out. Third, you only look at the things that jump out and bite you! Unfortunately, that technique doesn't always work.

I was walking briskly through Kohls, scanning things. A high pitched little voice exclaimed, "Hi!" I slowed and realized that the tyke in the stroller was talking to another woman who was passing. She yelled, "Hi!" again to the woman. As I neared, she shouted, "Hi!" to me as well. "Hi! Hi! Hi!" Being an all around kid-friendly person, I slowed and smiled and said, "Hi, there!" This delighted her. She turned to watch as I passed -- yelling her greeting. I waved and smiled.

Really, she was irresistible. Who could not respond to such a friendly greeting?

But it got me to thinking. I wondered if she will always be the kind of person who is the first to say, "Hello!" or if something will shift as she grows up. Honestly, I hope it doesn't.

I don't know that I was ever the kind of child who would go through a store cheerily shouting, "Hi!" I was pretty shy and reserved and didn't do much to call attention to myself. But I wish I had been that kind of child and I definitely wish I was that kind of adult.

Here is a question for you. Are you the kind of person who is always the first to say, "Hello" or are you the kind who waits to see what the waters hold? That is to say, the kind who waits for another to initiate.

I am the later. As I've thought about it today, I think it is largely fear based. There's less rejection if I don't "put myself out there" by saying, "Hi!" I think it also shows more of a concern with my comfort than yours. Who wouldn't want a friendly greeting?

With awareness comes responsibility. So, I guess I need to work on my friendly "Hello" for tomorrow. Who knows what will come of it when I am willing to risk and willing to put someone else's comfort ahead of my own? I think it is what God is calling me to.

So, let's start now -- "Hello there!"

The Future Is Nothing To Fear -- Hope Chronicles 7

I struggle with depression. I can honestly say that I think the depression started when I was 10. That is, at least in my recollection, the first time I wished that I was dead. I've struggled with it off and on now for 28 years. Sometimes I get a break for a a few months, but it has been more on than off. A couple years ago, I got about an 18 month break in the depression. It all flew out the window when a friend of mine died this spring. I completely crumbled.

I'm probably an unusual depressed person. I'm fairly functional. I manage to hold a job and all of that but fall apart all around the edges. After struggling with it for so long, I know the symptoms and what to do. I keep busy, see the doctor and therapist regularly, take the meds, watch my thoughts, work hard at connecting with people even when I don't feel like it, . . . .

I know there was a precipitating factor, but having the depression hit so hard the last few months has been really difficult. I struggled with what the point was in keeping going because statistically every time I have a depressive episode I am more likely to have another. Why not give up?

Because there are points when I feel better.

Because there are people who care.

Because God wants me to keep going.

Because of things like faith and hope and love.

I am doing better. The last 2 weeks have been a major turn around. (That is good news!) I saw my doctor yesterday. She was totally thrilled. But then in the midst of it she said, "While you are doing well, we need to strategize the best way to handle the next one." I understand what she is saying, though I would love it if God made it so the depression never came back.

As I contemplated the discussion yesterday and today, I've felt fear creep in. Fear is a thief. It steals joy and peace and takes my eyes off of God. I came across this quote from Max Lucado in GOD CAME NEAR today and it spoke to me:

Such moments are necessary because they remind us that everything is okay. The king is still on the throne and life is still worth living. Eternal instants remind us that love is still the greatest posessession and the future is nothing to fear.

Do you know what he is talking about? Have you ever had an "eternal instant"? It's those moments when life just feels so right. Maybe it is when your child hugs you or you see a sun set. I know I've had them over the years. One of the most recent was when I had a friend's children spend the night with me. I was putting them to bed and Elena asked, "Do you have a Bible?" They wanted to hear a Bible story. I explained that I had a Bible but I didn't have one for children. They made sure that I knew that their parents read to them out of the "regular" Bible. So, I read to them about David and Goliath from my regular NIV. I was so touched to see their tender hearts towards scripture. There have been eternal instants: baking with a friend, sitting on a porch, cuddling with my cat. Eternal instants are ones that push back the darkness and fear. What was your most recent "eternal instant?"

As Max Lucado writes, the King is still on the throne. Life is worth living. In spite of what the world and our circumstances might say, the future is nothing to fear.

Because it seemed fitting in starting off the New Year, I've reprinted this from my xanga blog dated Sept. 1, 2007 -- www.xanga.com/BabblingBrooke135