My Oddest Birthday Present

As most of you reading will probably know, I turned 40 recently -- December 15th to be exact. For the 40 days leading up to my birthday, I blogged about something I was grateful for. On the 12th, some friends gave me a surprise party. On the 16th, my friend Jill and I spent the day together. The 40 days were a great reminder for me to be grateful for what I have. I loved the party and my day with Jill. Overall, it was a good birthday.

On the 15th I got, perhaps, the oddest present I could get. It came in the form of an email from a woman at church. Earlier in the summer, I had interacted with her over a topic. While I wasn't angry with her, that isn't how I came across. She was emailing me after several months to let me know how much that interaction still bothered her.

Honestly, I was surprised. My instinct was to go into defense mode -- a mode I operate out of a lot. Before I could go into lock down, God's voice rang through. "This is how you lived your first 40 years. How will you live your next 40?"

I am convinced that only His Spirit could compel me to immediately type the following

Thank you for the email. I am sorry for how things transpired. None of it was ever about you. But I do recognize that it may have hurt you. Would you be willing to get together with me and perhaps Jill or someone else to talk this through?

I would really like to resolve it and apologize in person.

We were able to meet today. I think it was a good time of sorting through things and bringing some closure to the issue. But it was hard and scary going into it. I've had a lot of anxiety thinking about it since that email and didn't sleep much at all last night thinking about meeting today.

The woman was totally unaware that it was my birthday the day she sent it. But I do believe it was an odd sort of birthday present, because God's presence spoke so quickly and swiftly in the moment of reading and responding and set in motion the possibility of meeting and reconciling today.

I prefer warm fuzzy, birthday greetings -- but this one provided the opportunity to bless me and help me grow but also, I hope, to bless her.

Warming the Heart

It is cold in central Illinois today. I don't just mean a little cold. I mean down right bitter. I think it was suppose to be -3 last night and that probably wasn't taking into account the wind chill. With the wind, the cold bites right into the bone!

So, I think my dear Katy has the right idea. Curl up in a patch of sun and try to stay warm.

Today in church God brought to mind my first year at Crosswinds. I had abandonned church for a time and I think that when I acutally started going again, I was afraid of getting zapped for stepping in the door. I'm glad to say that didn't happen!

From what I understand, Crosswinds has always been a praying church. When I started going they had several weeks where they did a lot of prayer ministry at the end of the service. For someone who was afraid of getting zapped, this really set me on edge. It wasn't that I was theologically opposed or even that it was a holy roller kind of thing. It was actually somewhat sedate. But every time it happened I wanted to flee. To be honest, there were a number of times I did. For whatever reason, I just couldn't tolerate it. Looking back, it seems silly now, but that is where I was at.

They didn't pray every week at the end of service. However, I started getting vibes about it. Seriously, I did. At that point they had 2 services. Sometimes I would turn to my friend who went to both services and ask, "They're going to pray aren't they?" She said that they weren't going to, that they hadn't prayed during first hour. But as sure as I would say it, it would happen. I cannot explain it. But it was if God was whispering in my ear before service even started. I believe He was attempting to prepare me so I could respond appropriately.

Eventually, I did learn to respond appropriately and listen when He was speaking to me. In May 2004, I was over come with an urge to write one Sunday during service. It was a compulsion. So I wrote all around the margins of the bulletin and squeezed things in here and there.

Typically, when I write, the general idea flows, but there are "do overs" and scratch marks and what not as I make changes and perfect it. A friend can attest that this is what I wrote without the "do overs". Rather than what I typically think of as writing, this seemed more like dictation.

Give Me Your Past

I cannot have your present and future unless you give me your past . . .
It shackles you and you limp along
You try, but where you could dance, you crawl,
where you could run, you stumble and fall.
Why do you hold so tight to a bush of thorns in the cold
when I could hold you have wrap you in blankets of softness?
I cannot have your present and future unless you give me your past . . .
You do well by the world's standards.
Imagine what you might do if you didn't wear those chains.
How much more might you glorify me?
How many people would be blessed if I had all of you?
What would you have seen if you could have looked through my eyes?
What would have changed . . .
when you taught My Word
when you ministered to others
when you studied
when you prayed
when you interacted with your family or even
when you looked on the hurting.
How much more might have been done?
I cannot have your present and future unless you give me your past . . .
Let go of the bush of thorns.
Let me put salv on your wounds and hold you close.
Let go of the past and embrace me instead.
Let go of your fears. Let me deal with them. Look at me, not them.
I cannot have your present and future until you give me your past . . .
While the past won't change,
I can change what it means for you
and even that may be used for me

Amy Brooke -- May 2004
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!
2 Corinthians 5:17

I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenword in Christ Jesus.
Philippians 3:14

It was a difficult week on an emotional level. Sometimes when it is a difficult emotionally, my heart kind of freezes up. I believe God brought this to mind to help my heart thaw a bit. Just as things that happened 30 years ago are in the past, so is last week. I can move on from here.

May God warm your heart today where ever you need it most.