Are You Listening?

Today at the office, a very distraught woman came in. This is somewhat unusual in my office. Land records aren't typically all that distressing. Someone else was helping her, but I could tell that it was escalating. I went over to see if I could diffuse whatever was brewing. She explained that she needed to get her home in her name only. Her husband had passed away quite awhile ago. (Yes, this can be distressing. I'm not referring to that piece.) She had a letter telling her that her husband's estate needed to be probated or she needed a Quit Claim Deed from each of his children. She was insistent that it all had to happen right away and kept repeating that she only had several days.

"Mam, I'm not sure where you are getting that you only have several days or you will lose your house."

"Right here." She pointed out a sentence.

I read it. "I think there has been some confusion. The letter says getting the deed in you name can happen several ways, not several days."

I tried to walk through the other points in the letter with her. But she was having none of it. She continued to insist that she only had several days or she would lose her house. In a rage, she cussed my colleague and I and left.

The whole thing saddened me because by not listening carefully she is causing herself a heap of heart ache and fear. Who wouldn't be fearful if they felt they might lose their home in days?

It got me to thinking. Are there times when I don't listen carefully? Are there times when I am so wound up that I confuse ways and days?

I know that I have and probably still do. However, it reminded me of something I've tried in conflict situations. When I know going into a situation that I might get side tracked or not see something clearly I write the points I want to make out on note cards. Then, every few cards I insert another note card with various bits of wisdom on it:

• Listen before speaking
• Think before you speak
• Ask questions
• You do not have to be RIGHT

It's actually helped me a lot. But maybe I need to make a mental note of some of those same things for everyday situations when I let the emotions of the moment runaway with me. The biggest one should always be. ARE YOU LISTENING?

My Oddest Birthday Present

As most of you reading will probably know, I turned 40 recently -- December 15th to be exact. For the 40 days leading up to my birthday, I blogged about something I was grateful for. On the 12th, some friends gave me a surprise party. On the 16th, my friend Jill and I spent the day together. The 40 days were a great reminder for me to be grateful for what I have. I loved the party and my day with Jill. Overall, it was a good birthday.

On the 15th I got, perhaps, the oddest present I could get. It came in the form of an email from a woman at church. Earlier in the summer, I had interacted with her over a topic. While I wasn't angry with her, that isn't how I came across. She was emailing me after several months to let me know how much that interaction still bothered her.

Honestly, I was surprised. My instinct was to go into defense mode -- a mode I operate out of a lot. Before I could go into lock down, God's voice rang through. "This is how you lived your first 40 years. How will you live your next 40?"

I am convinced that only His Spirit could compel me to immediately type the following

Thank you for the email. I am sorry for how things transpired. None of it was ever about you. But I do recognize that it may have hurt you. Would you be willing to get together with me and perhaps Jill or someone else to talk this through?

I would really like to resolve it and apologize in person.

We were able to meet today. I think it was a good time of sorting through things and bringing some closure to the issue. But it was hard and scary going into it. I've had a lot of anxiety thinking about it since that email and didn't sleep much at all last night thinking about meeting today.

The woman was totally unaware that it was my birthday the day she sent it. But I do believe it was an odd sort of birthday present, because God's presence spoke so quickly and swiftly in the moment of reading and responding and set in motion the possibility of meeting and reconciling today.

I prefer warm fuzzy, birthday greetings -- but this one provided the opportunity to bless me and help me grow but also, I hope, to bless her.

Life Lessons

Today I was talking to my boss. He said something about trying to figure me out, that he was watching the way I responded to some things that had happened the last few days. I'm not always successful at these, but I told him that I am working on trying to live by two things:

1. Keep short accounts. The longer hurts go without a response or an attempt to reconcile, the bigger, badder, messier they become.
2. We judge ourselves by our intentions. We judge others by their actions. My hope here is that I am learning to give grace and not assume ill motive where any wasn't intended.

What about you? Do you have one or two life lessons you try to live by?

Notes to Myself

I've been in the midst of some conflict lately. As with most things, it seems like it comes in waves. Today, I am meeting with a friend to try and sort out the mess of the last couple of months.Sigh. I both want to meet, think we need to meet, and dread it. Part of the problem is that I think we both know how to push the other's buttons. So, I need to choose not to allow those buttons to get activated.

A little over a year ago, I was in a conflict with someone else. We met with a neutral third party to work it out. I wrote notes to myself on index cards. Some were just a sentence or two about an issue that needed to be addressed, a prompt for myself to keep me on track. I find that sometimes in conflict I can chase rabbit trails.

Every 2-3 cards I had something totally different written on a card. It had nothing to do with the conflict at hand. It had everything to do with me. Here is some of what I wrote:

• Listen. Really listen.
• You DO NOT have to be right.
• Speak in love, not anger
• Listen with your heart

I think the other person was a bit put off that I had come with a stack of note cards. I think they thought that all the cards were issues I had with them. No, they were reminders for myself.

I've made a few notes to myself again. Hopefully, when I feel myself getting pulled in, digging my heels in and wanting to win, I can glance at a note and be reminded of a better way to respond

Tug of War

The last time I was involved in a tug of war was when I was a college student at camp. We did it in the sand by the bay. Everyone kept yelling, "Dig in! Dig in!" While this was probably good advice, it wasn't all that helpful in sand unless you had a pretty good size trench. The whole time we were stepping on each other and falling down. I have no clue which team won but I do know I didn't enjoy it at all. Later when I went to camp as a staff, I opted out of that event!

Today I talked to Julie about a conflict I'm in with someone. She made the observation that we appear to be in a bit of a tug of war. She had some great advice. She said, "If you want to end a tug of war, you can lay down your rope and walk toward the other person." I struggled with that a bit after she said it. My emotional gut level reaction said that I should "dig in." When I dig in, I don't usually just do it with my feet. My trench has to be at least waist deep!

Julie is one of those people who can say things softly but still get the point across. Much of the time, I spoke about not feeling "safe." SAFETY is HUGE for me. I think there is some element of that involved. But Julie just said, "I cannot tell if you aren't feeling safe or if you have dug your heels in."

Honestly, I think it was some of both. I'm still not feeling totally safe regarding the situation. But, tonight I sent an email in an attempt to "lay down my rope and walk toward the other person." We'll see what happens.

Even though it doesn't feel totally safe, some of the angst about the situation dissipated in sending that email. Perhaps, it is simply because I am choosing not to tug back. Depending on the response I get, I may have to keep choosing to let that rope lie there rather than pick it up. Even if the other person tugs it a few more times, there shouldn't be much harm (as long as I don't grab it back) because tug of war by yourself is completely useless and I can't imagine anyone keeping at it when no one is pulling back.

So, I've laid down the rope and now I have to wait and see about a meeting in a few days. Please pray for me to let that rope stay right there on the ground and be able to trust God for the sense of safety I need.

Are you in a tug of war? What do you think would happen if you stopped tugging?