Not Really Alone

Thanks for all the thoughts on today's earlier post. I really appreciate it. If you haven't chimed in, please feel free too.

I've thought about it a lot today. I'm not sure what the answer is. But please pray with me about this whole issue of alone. It is very real. But I wonder if my fear of it should be allowed to over ride my decision making. I have been doing ppt as an act of service. Should the alone factor weigh so heavily that I don't do it.

I believe in KidStuf and want to help. So, the other question is if there is a better fit for me, something I can get passionate about? I don't know that answer off the top of my head. But I did email a friend and asked to get together to talk about it.

And if I am suppose to keep doing it, I pray God will make that clear and ease that fear.

I'm drawn back to Prince Caspian. Aslan tells Lucy that much time has been wasted. Lucy says something to the effect of, "I couldn't have left the others and come up to alone, how could I? . . . . I suppose I could. Yes, and I wouldn't have been alone, I know, not if I was with you."

So, there is that reality. I would not really be alone. And I would not just have God but the rest of people working on KidStuf going in the same direction even if I was in a loft in the corner with God doing my bit.



As soon as I'm done reading all the Narnia books, I promise to let up on the Narnia quotes!

Finding a Bigger God

I've been reading the Chronicles of Narnia for fun. I read them along time ago, but I've found there are so many things I didn't remember. It has also been interesting to read them in order. Though I found The Magician's Nephew a bit slow at first, it picked up and was fun to understand some of the history of Narnia. For example, I know know why there is a lamp post in Narnia and how all the trouble with the White Witch began.

I'm now in the midst of Prince Caspian. (Yes, the movie makers took some liberties.) However, I was delighted to come across this passage:

The great beast rolled over on his side so that Lucy fell, half sitting and half lying between his front paws. He bent toward and just touched her nose with his tongue. His warm breath came all around her. She gazed up into the large wise face.

"Welcome, child," he said."

"Aslan," said Lucy, "you're bigger."

"That is because you are older, little one," answered he.

"Not because you are?"

"I am not. but every year you grow, you will find me bigger."

I don't remember it being in the movie, but it caught my attention in the book because it felt so true of God. It seems that the older I get the more I should understand about God. Perhaps, I do understand more than when I became a Christian at thirteen. But, the more I know about God, the more I am struck by how much more there is to know about God. In that sense, as I grow I find God bigger and bigger.

Hopefully, the bigness of God will always make me stand in awe.

The Lame Shall Leap -- Hope Chronicles 48

As I wrote in a post last week, I enjoyed the new Narnia -- Prince Caspian movie even if they did add and change a few things. It's made me want to go back and read the books and see what lines up.

Please indulge me. I do know it is a story. But today, it somehow got into my mind how odd it must have been (even in a pretend sort of way) for Peter, Susan, Edmund, and Lucy to go back to England after being in Narnia. How odd would it be to grow up and be kings and queens in a magical land and to suddenly be thrust back into your old life? Would your adult self feel strange to be thrust back into a child's body? Would something about you, your experience, feel as if it pushed against the boundaries of the normal world?

The movie lets on that the children were feeling pretty dissatisfied with ordinary life. Peter even got into a fight. (I checked and that bit isn't in the book.) It seems "realistic" though. To go from being king to an ordinary boy would be a hard change!

I think there is a piece that relates to our life as Christians. I have, at times, had "mountain top" experiences. These are places where you feel so close to God that you cannot help but be changed. In the Old Testament, Moses met with God as a man meets with a friend. It so changed him that his face radiated God's glory and he had to wear a veil. In some ways, his experience with God pushed against the boundaries of a normal, ordinary world.

When have you felt changed by being in God's presence? As I mentioned before, I often think of it more in terms of those special get-away type things. But it doesn't have to be that. Moses met with God every day. As Mose met with God, God expanded his understanding of his glory.

We may not visibly glow as Moses did, but do our lives push outside the normal boundaries of the everyday life?

For me this week it has been learning about compassion. I don't believe in coincidences, so when God brings me in contact with three disabled people in one week, I suspect there is something to be learned.

The first was when I was walking on Monday. There was a man pulled up to an outside table. Well, he was actually pulled up to the bench in a wheel chair. Since he couldn't get closer to the table, he was hunched over and leaning forward to eat from the bench. Both of his legs were in casts. He dropped his fork and let out a string of curses. I came upon him from the back. He was genuinely surprised when I picked it up for him. He thanked me, but then I moved on.

The second was in the office. We often find that we speak a different "language" than some of the people coming in. They use words for documents and procedures that have different meanings than they intend. It frustrates them and us. I was helping a man at the counter. He kept ducking his head in what I thought was an odd manner. But over the course of our 15 minute interaction, he finally had to look at me. I realized that one eye was completely white like the white part of the eyeball missing the iris and pupil. Something told me, "Don't look away. Everyone does that." I'll admit that it was disconcerting. But I met his gaze and explained once more. This time, my explanation, took hold.

The third was as I was getting on the elevator. A man got off. He was drenched from the torrential rain we had just had. As we were in the lower part of the building and he looked bewildered, it was easy to conclude that he was lost. I asked, "Can I help you find something?" He slumped a bit and then held out the sodden papers and gestured. He couldn't hear and didn't seem to be able to speak.

They were tax papers. That is not my area. I glanced at the papers and motioned to him to follow me to an office I thought could help. I picked the right office, but the woman at the counter wasn't about to let me go. She talked to me rather than him. I didn't know if he read lips or not, but the angle seemed like it would be awkward. I found myself grabbing a pen and paper and jotting things to him. He seemed relieved to have the means to communicate. But just like the woman at the counter, he turned to me and had me relay it!

One of my favorite Bible stories is when Jesus feeds the 5,000. It says that Jesus had compassion on them. Compassion is more than feeling sorry for someone. It is coupled with a desire to alleviate the suffering you see.

All of the instances I related were actually very small instances compared to what they look like here -- a couple minutes to fifteen or so. And it's not that I did any wonderful things: picking up a fork, making eye contact, and jotting some sentences. The bigger thing, I think, was being moved by compassion.

It struck me after the last instance that all three ailments were ones that are mentioned in connection with Jesus:

• "Then will the lame leap like a deer, and the mute tongue shout for joy." (Isaiah 35:6 in a prophecy about the Messiah)
• "In that day the deaf will hear the words of the scroll, and out of gloom and darkness the eyes of the blind will see." (Isaiah 29:3)
• "Then will the eyes of the blind be opened and the ears of the deaf unstopped." (Isaiah 35:5)
• The healing of the deaf and mute man in Mark 7.
• All of the healings probably apply.

Jesus came to save. But He also came to make us whole. Each of these men represented some aspect of that awaiting promise to me. We may not have wholeness yet, but we will. Jesus has too much compassion on us to have it any other way. He is moved by our suffering. When we let ourselves be moved by compassion for others, I think it pushes against that normal, ordinary kind of being in the world. While I didn't work any great miracles, God did let me alleviate some suffering in some small ways. There is hope in knowing that God chooses to use us at all.

And of course, there is hope in knowing that our souls that upon coming to know God, in some ways, have become too big for our frail bodies will one day be released into Jesus' waiting embrace.

Heart's Posture, Belief, and Not Alone

I saw Narnia Chronicles -- Prince Caspian last weekend. I highly recommend it and I don't recommend movies that often! (See yesterday's blog for clips.) I want to share some about it without giving it all away.

So, without too much detail, here are some of my thoughts. Primarily, I think it is about the heart's posture. You get to see it from several different perspectives: Peter's decision to move without Aslan, Edmond's contrast to where he was in the The Lion, Witch, and the Wardrobe, Susan's disenchantment as she realizes that the problem with Narnia is that they ever have to leave, Caspian's humility, and Lucy's unerring belief. They are woven together almost seamlessly.

I love the way it asks the question throughout, "Do you want to believe?" It seems that most of the characters (though not all) struggle with some aspect of belief. Do they believe each other? Do they remain true to what they know about Aslan? What is the role of wanting to believe in seeing?

It my mind the story of Jesus not being able to heal in Nazareth because of their unbelief rises up.

Throughout the movie, "Where is Aslan?" is asked. The Narnians struggle at first to even accept the Peter, Susan, Edmund, and Lucy as the kings and queens of old. As one says, "Aslan disappeared the same time you lot did." Ouch! And from a Narnian perspective it must have felt like abandonment. And even the children must try to figure out where Aslan is . . . . In his abscence and under the tyranny of the neighboring realm, even the trees have gone deep within themselves and never dance.

I know there have been times in my life when I have felt abandoned even by God. I gave up on church for a time. I have, at times, retreated deep within myself. But God is always inviting us to dance.

At one point, Lucy, the youngest faces the invading army alone. She pulls out a small knife and stares unwaveringly at the approaching army. But she is anything but alone . . . . I shall not say more lest I give it away but think Red Sea . . . .

My one disappointment was that my favorite passage from the book (Yes, I've read them all) was slightly changed.

"Lucy, he said, "we must not lie here for long. You have work in hand, and much time has been lost today."

"Yes, wasn't it a shame?" said Lucy. "I saw you all right. They wouldn't believe me. They're all so --"

From some where deep inside Aslan's body there came the faintest suggestion of a growl.

"I'm sorry," said Lucy, who understood some of his moods. "I didn't mean to start slanging the others. But it wasn't my fault anyway, was it?"

The Lion looked straight into her eyes.

"Oh, Aslan," said Lucy. "You don't mean it was? How could I -- I couldn't have left the others and come up to you alone, how could I?" Don't look at me like that . . . . oh well, I suppose I could. Yes, and it wouldn't have been alone, I know, not if I was with you. But what would have been the good?"

"You mean," said Lucy rather faintly, "that it would have turned out all right -- somehow? But how? Please Aslan! Am I not to know?"

"To know what would have happened child?" said Aslan. "No. Nobody is ever told that."C.S. Lewis

I love that passage. "To know what would have happened? No one is ever told that." And it speaks to following even when others you trust won't follow with you . . . .

If you've seen the movie, whose heart mirrors yours the most and why? Do you have a favorite clip/part? Post about it and leave a link with Mister Linky and we'll come read . . . .

The Best Is Yet To Be -- Hope Chronicles 43

Life is hard. People say things and I get hurt. There are unexpected expenses of which the almost $4.00 per gallon gas prices are the least of the worries. Friends move away. The depression worsens and I don't sleep for almost 8 weeks. (Happily, the sleep has been better the last two weeks.) There a bills to pay and things around the house that need doing and I don't have the time or energy. And there is the loneliness.

I picked up a book at B&N to check out. I grabbed the wrong one. I read parts of it and knew that while I definitely identified, I was probably identifying too much. It was best not to finish it, save it for another time. But I will share a piece from it. It is called Suddenly by Barbara Delinsky. One of the main characters commits suicide and leaves the town wondering why. Paige finds some unmailed letters and in them Mara writes eloquently about being outwardly successful but being so alone. She says something to the effect of, "What really matters is that in the middle of the night, when all the trappings are gone, I am alone." Yes, that feeling resonates with me.

I've found myself telling myself that if this could be this way or this could be that way then my life would be fine. At the core of those things is having enough money to take care of what needs to be taken care of. (I'm not having much financial peace at the moment in spite of taking that class.) But push past that anxiety and you will find a world of "what ifs?"

• What if I had gone to a different college?
• What if I had stayed on staff with InterVarsity?
• What if I had dated in high school or college?
• What if I had turned left instead of right and met the love of my life around the corner?
• What if, what if, what if?

But they are questions that won't get answered and keep us looking in the wrong direction.

Prince Caspian comes out today in the theatres. I'm saving money and not going right now. I don't know if it is good or not, but I remember the book and this marvelous conversation Aslan has with Lucy. She has seen him up high all day and wanted to go up to him but no one would listen or follow. When she does go to him, he tells her that much time has been lost. She starts to blame the others and Aslan gives a low growl. Lucy says, "Well I couldn't have come up alone? I couldn't have, could I? Oh, Aslan, am I not to know!"

A wise Aslan says, "To know what may have happened? No, child, no one is ever told that."

I think it is a mercy that we aren't told. A mercy and a warning not to go down the "what if" trail second guessing.

Two things happen for me. I focus a lot on what has happened in the past. I was severely abused. I was emotionally tortured. I had a crummy childhood and it is easy to be angry about that. The anger is justified, but it doesn't do much good if it keeps me stuck in a loop of looking and being angry over and over again. So, I get stuck in the past.

And I get stuck in the present. I get driven down by the bills and gas prices. I feel lonely at night especially. Spend time thinking, if x +b happened, life would be perfect. I focus on all the things that are not meeting up to what I want (husband and kids at the top of the list).

But when I focus so intently on those things, I lose perspective and I lose hope. Yesterday is gone. Today is fleeting. And the best is yet to be.

The best is yet to be. Jesus is coming to get me. Knowing that should make everything else pale in comparison. Jesus is coming specifically for me. I want to always be ready, emotionally, spiritually ready for his call. And he will usher me in to heaven, the best that is yet to be. All of this down here is about getting ready to meet God face to face. So, I should not devalue any experience, any person, any interaction. All of them may be preparing me to meet God.

Yes, they don't quite look like I what I might want, wonder, beg for, but they are part of my preparation before I'm ready for heaven.

Heaven is fact. Think about that. No matter how bad today was (and it was dozy for me), the best is yet to be. It works if you had a great day too. You can look and be thankful and then stand in wonder, "The best is yet to be. This goodness will pale."

Hope is recognizing the murk and mud in our lives, acknowledging the past, plodding through the present, but fixing our eyes on what is yest to be. And it will be the 5 star galaxy kind of best.

Today, as I lapsed into my lament, I found myself thinking, I don't need a what. I need a who. Particularly I was thinking of a friend or a mate. But God gently reminded me, "You already have a who. You have me. Keep pressing on and let me worry about the rest."

I have hope because the best is yet to be and because he who is the absolute BEST is with me.

Tell me about an area you struggle to keep Jesus at the forefront of . . . .