Keeping It In Perspective

I went to a meeting last night with some people from the grief support group. Well, it wasn't actually a meeting. We went to dinner, but we ended up talking about the whole grief thing. I'll admit to getting a bit tripped up. At one point the conversation turned to "I don't know that I would have made it if I didn't have my kids" or some other intense family connection. There was a great emphasis on being anchored by those around them.

 

It was one of those conversations that had the potential to really trip me up in a big way. Because none of the things that they spoke of being so reliant on for getting them through the grief are things that I have: no kids and I'm fairly disconnected from my family of origin. So, every time someone whole heartedly agreed, a piece of me sunk a bit.

 

But, I am also in a different spot than most of them. I believe all of them were in the 6 months or less category of grieving. In that respect, at just over a year, I am the "old timer."

 

Still, it chipped away at me a bit. I found myself thinking and I have . . . cats. Not a helpful thought. So, I talked to God a bit last night. This is what he reminded me:

• Jesus said that who ever does the will of His father is his mother, brother, and sister.
• While I still long for that family connection in a concrete, skin on way, I do have a Father in heaven who is a defender of widows and a father to the fatherless.
• I have a church family and they have skin on.
• I have friends
• I even have this bloggy community

Granted, none of is packaged quite the way I might like, but they are still gifts from God, still reasons (as the people above put it) to keep going. So, this morning is my thank you to God and my prayer that He would help me keep it all in perspective even if doesn't look quite like what I expected.

 

I do not want to shun what God has given. I choose to be thankful.

 

Be Anxious About Nothing -- Hope Chronicles 40

It would be so much simpler if there was always a cause and effect. But over the years I've simply found that there isn't always one.

I had a good day yesterday. I slept in and puttered around the house and on the computer. In the evening, I worked at the bookstore. It made for a late night since on Saturdays we are open until 11:00PM and we had been slammed most of the evening. It meant that recovery took us a solid 45 minutes. It probably should have been longer, but the manager was shooing us out the door. It made for a late night but it was still a good day.

I got up about 8 this morning and made it to 9:00 KidStuf. But somewhere in there anxiety inexplicably wormed its way in. There was nothing that I could put my finger on to be anxious about. I don't think that "being anxious about nothing" in this context was what Paul meant when he wrote in Philippians 4:6, "Be anxious about nothing, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God."

I had a couple reactions to the sudden onslaught. My first thought was to flee. Like some of the animals I love -- horses and cats -- I am a flight animal by nature. God whispered in my ear, "Start down that road and it will be hard to turn back. It will become a habit quickly," I stayed and wandered restlessly through the entire break between services.

The anxiety did not lessen second service. Rather, I turned into a puddle and cried during each worship song. Again, there was the feeling of needing to flee. But I stayed.

Well, I stayed exactly until church was over. There was no one on my right. And the person on my left was immediately engaged in conversation. I grabbed my stuff and sprinted to the door.

But the anxiety really had little, I think, to do with church. I got home and still felt anxious.

Anxiety is a hard thing to explain to someone who has never experienced it. It is much more than butterflies in the tummy. Rather, it is like a huge spring in your body being tightened and twisted until it might burst.

Sometimes there isn't much energy associated with it -- just a restlessness. But today, there was some energy behind mine. I made a choice. My first option was to hole up in my bed and pull the covers up. My second choice was to do something. I opted for the second.

I hate yard work. My dad always did all of the outside jobs. It was his domain. Consequently, I didn't learn how to mow the grass until last year. Thankfully, a friend did it for me a few times and then taught me how.

So, I checked the oil and added gas and pulled and pulled and pulled. About the 10th pull (right before I was ready to give up in despair), it started and I began the chore. As I came around the front, I realized that my closest neighbor (our townhouses are adjoined and she is also single) needed her yard done as well. So, when I came to the end of my lawn I kept going. On the swing back, I realized that my other neighbor (a single mom with two girls) needed her yard done as well. I hesitated a moment and then crossed into her yard. I did the 3 yards in long sweeps and hoped my neighbor's neighbors weren't watching and expecting me to keep going and going and going!

Proverbs 12:25 says, "An anxious heart weighs a man down, but a kind word cheers him up." I guess I adapted it to "An anxious heart weighs her down, but doing a kind deed cheers her up."

We now probably have three of the worst cut lawns (given my inexperience) in the neighborhood, but they are cut! Though, not having a weed eater or trimmer or whatever it is I would need, I'm not sure how to get right along the fence . . . .

So, the lawns are cut and while there is still a hint of anxiety, it's not nearly as strong as it was earlier. I feel as if I chose hope when in the past I would have chosen retreat.

Just for Fun -- Cat Tricks

You've heard me talk alot about Mali's antics and also her amazing ability to learn. (This is largely dependent on there being a food reward.) Finally, some evidence of her hula hoop abilities in still. Click here for a short video of all her tricks, but we are still trying to learn new things!

No, it isn't that I have too much time on my hands! I saw a book at the bookstore and paged through it. I thought I would try it. The hula hoop was my idea. Cats have short attention spans, so we've only worked on it a few minutes each day. I enjoy the interaction with her on this level.

Katy is just as smart -- maybe even smarter. She knows she gets treats without having to work for them. Though I did teach her to ask for them!

So for everyone who has said to me, "You can't teach a cat tricks," here is my proof:

I always thought of myself as more of a dog person. But time just hasn't permited all that a dog needs. So, I ended up with cats. I must admit that I am crazy about them. Part of it is that they seem to feel the same about me and follow me from room to room. They want to be part of things. I'm finding it difficult to type with Katy on keyboard! She definitely believes my lap is her territory!

Many blessings today!

The Song

Using all my Internet savvy, I found the song by Ray Boltz that I spoke of in yesterday's post. To go to a spot where you can listen to this song click here and look for Thank You. I know there is a way to post the sound here, but I haven't the foggiest on that, so I'll just post that link! Here are the words:

Thank You
Words and music by Ray Boltz

I dreamed I went to heaven
And you were there with me
We walked upon the streets of gold
Beside the crystal sea
We heard the angels singing
Then someone called your name
You turned and saw this young man
And he was smiling as he came

And he said, Friend,
You may not know me now
And the he said, But wait
You used to teach my Sunday School
When I was only eight
and every week you would say a prayer
Before the class would start
And one day when you said that prayer
I asked Jesus in my heart

CHORUS:
Thank you for giving to the Lord
I am a life that was changed
Thank you for giving to the Lord
I am so glad you gave

Then another man stood before you
And said remember the time
A missionary came to your church
And his pictures made you cry
You didn't have much money
But you gave it anyway
Jesus took the gift you gave
And that's why I am here today

CHORUS
Thank you for giving to the Lord
I am a life that was changed
Thank you for giving to the Lord
I am so glad you gave

One by one they came
Far as the eye could see
Each life somehow touched
By your generosity
Little things that you had done
Sacrifices made
Unnoticed on the earth
In heaven now proclaimed

And I know up in heaven
You're not suppose to cry
But I am almost sure
There were tears in your eyes
As Jesus took your hand
And you stood before the Lord
He said, My child look around
Great is your reward.

CHORUS
Thank you for giving to the Lord
I am a life that was changed
Thank you for giving to the Lord
I am so glad you gave

I am so glad you gave.

Ripple

It was late in the day --very late in the day. In fact, it was about 4:20 when the gentleman walked through the door. He hurriedly filled out some paperwork. I could have easily put it off until Monday as it didn't end up on my desk until 4:26 and we close at 4:30. However, I could tell from the conversation at the front desk that this wouldn't go over well and I thought I could take care of it in a few minutes.

While I was setting up the account, a coworker continued to converse with the man. He was not happy to learn that his account would only last 30 days. He was assured that it could be renewed with an email. He seemed to think this was a bigger deal than it actually was. I typically take care of these accounts every morning at 6:30 when I get in. It is the first thing I do. If a renewal email comes in during the day, I genuinely try to take care of it that day. But this didn't satisfy him.

Evidently, I was not the only one listening. When my coworker turned to me and the man pressed, I gave the same answer and a supervisor popped out of his office.

The man was not loud but he was persistent. He was not rude but he was tense. Perhaps it was the tenseness that made the ripple through the office. It was obvious that everyone was aware that there was a problem.

I had errands to run and places to be and disentangled myself as quickly as I could.

Tonight, I had a friend's children. We played a few games, ate brownies, and watched some TV. In the midst of that, a delicate question crept in. It took me by surprise, but I fielded it and let mom know the nature of it when she collected them. As we watched TV, I pondered that question -- not so much the content but the influence my answer might have. I care deeply about these kids and think that I am a positive influence in their lives.

I don't want to overstate it, but I hope that even in the mundane things like brownies and games and the occasional challenging question that I am having a ripple effect. Who knows how long or far away that ripple may be felt. Oh, no one may ever be able to point to a game night three or four times and many years removed, but I still think it may count.

Ray Boltz is a Christian singer. Though, I haven't heard his work in quite awhile. He use to have a song out about that ripple effect. Someone got to heaven and God revealed all the lives they had impacted that they had never known about. Person after person said, "I am a life that was changed . . . ."

I have to stop and wonder if my ripple is negative or positive . . . . I'm sure it is not (sadly) wholly one or the other. But I pray that it is more positive than negative and may God nudge me before I throw the negative (intentional or unintentional) stone in the pond of life.

Someone's Singing About Me -- Hope Chronicles 39

If you are ever around me when it is my birthday and we happen to be in a public place, I forbid you to break into a round of "Happy Birthday, dear Amy." I would be mortified and probably crawl under the table.

At least that is what I thought until a moment ago. I just read this post at Lisa Whittle's site. It got me thinking and got me excited. It made me think of Zephaniah 3:17.

"The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing."

Can you imagine God taking such delight in you that He sings! I've read that so many times before, but it hit me in a new way tonight after reading Lisa's post. God loves me enough to sing about it. I don't imagine it is a quiet, subdued singing either (unless I need soothing, perhaps). I imagine it is a gusty, full of zest, and full of emotion, shout from the heavens kind of singing. And it is a song to make everyone stop and wonder in amazement.

Somehow, something shifted just now for me. I don't think I would shy away to have the King of the Universe sing to me a love song. I think I would be, I think I am enthralled.

On second thoughts, if any of you want to sing to me when my birthday rolls around next December 15th (I'm safe cause it's far off to remember!), I might not stop you. I might relish the moment as a reminder that God is singing too.

---

Two Hope Chronicles in one day! Hm. I thought about just giving this one the designation "Hope Thought" but changed my mind. Or I could schedule to post it tomorrow, but I couldn't wait. It seems to big to just be a "thought"! I hope you are hearing music!

Not What They Appear -- Hope Chronicles 38

Several years ago I lived in Bloomington, Indiana. I was on staff with InterVarsity Christian Fellowship and struggling a bit to make ends meet on my own. A family offered to have me live in their basement. I paid some rent and supplemented this with helping with the kids. We opted to try it for six months but it worked so well that it lasted three years!

When I first moved in, they were in the process of putting in a bathroom in the basement. Until it was done, I used the guest bathroom upstairs. One night I got up to use the bathroom. Not wanting to wake anyone, I walked in the dark and didn't flip the light on until I reached my destination. "Silly, cat!" I whispered and then -- in terror -- I slammed the door! It had clicked in my sleepy mind that the tail I saw protruding from behind the toilet was ringed rather than pure grey.

I knocked on Jerry and Dana's door and announced that there was a raccoon in the bathroom. Neither believed me and told me that it was the cat. I insisted that Jerry check. Sure enough, there was a raccoon now caught in the bathroom!

The shape was right from behind. The coloring was right. It just took me a moment to notice that the tail was a bit off and things were not what they appeared.

After reading some antics that happened at Amy's "In My Life" site involving reptiles in the toilet, it got me thinking about that night. As I've thought about it, I've pondered how often things are not as they appear: physically, emotionally, relationally, and spiritually.

Physically

We all know there is no such thing as magic and that magicians use slight of hand to make us think we're seeing something we're not. (But it is still amazing and I so wish I could learn the quarter out of the ear trick.) Just like magicians, we make things in our lives look differently than they are:

• Hiding things in the closet when company comes
• Plucking the offending gray hair
• Putting on our faces
• Acting as though things are one way when they aren't

In the animal kingdom, I can think of two things start out very differently than what they will become: the fuzzy caterpillar and the ugly duckling. Maybe I should make that three because scripture teaches that even we aren't what we will one day be. No, I don't mean the aging process we fight so hard.

Emotionally

I think most of us put on fronts. We pretend we are doing better than we actually are. We smile when we feel like crying. If someone asks how we are it is a "Great!" or "Fine!" We tell ourselves and others that this or that hurt, slight, or disappointment, doesn't matter anyway.

Relationally

Even here we can pretend that things are different than they actually are. We pretend we aren't angry or hurt when we are. We pretend we are the best daughter or friend or wife or mother or church member . . . there ever was. We find our importance in relation to those around us rather than in relation to our heavenly Father.

Spiritually

Yes, we can pretend that we are doing better in this area than we actually are. We can quote scripture and teach Sunday school. We can make a meal for someone who is ill or just not let anyone see how closely the pastor's lesson struck home with us.

In lots of ways, we have the right shape, the right color, but deep down we know that something is off. There are rings on that tail that should be solid!

I'm rereading and thinking, "That doesn't sound very hopeful!" But there is hope in the fact that things are not what they appear. Not that we should all go pretending -- not that. Rather there is hope in knowing the end of the story even if we don't know the twists and turns that it will take to get there.

Physically, emotionally, relationally, the world seems to be in a piteous state: global warming, war, disease, school shootings, drugs, . . . . But the hope is in that it will all one day be renewed. As scripture says, even creation waits in eager expectation (Romans 8:19-21 (NIV)):

The creation waits in eager expectation for the sons of God to be revealed. For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God.

All the pretense and pretending will one day fade away. It will become clear that things are not what they appear when the glory of God shines all around. It's hidden now, but one day it won't be so. There is hope in knowing that I am not yet what I will be but I am becoming. There is hope in knowing the one who is changing me and all His creation.

While there is hope in that, the challenge of all this is letting ourselves be real with one another while we wait. In doing so, I think we might find hope in God's community. So the next time you are tempted to say "Great!" (of course unless you really are), think about if the tail is solid or has rings!