Wednesday, April 23, 2008

If I Had Only Known

Sometimes, others have already said it so much better than we ever could that it seems necessary to borrow their words. Carolyn Arends is a Christian singer/song writer. This song sums up the end of things with Bill for me. Here is a snippet of it:
If I had known only known
That you'd be leaving here so soon
I would not have been so flippant
When I offered you the moon.
I would pull my chair up closer
To the railing of your bed
Chosen much more carefully
The words I said
I would ask you for your stories
I would tell you mine
I would give you much more credit
I would take more of your time
There's so much I left unspoken
If you were here right now
Oh, I would love you out loud
Carolyn Arends
Love You Out Loud
Album: This Much I Understand

If I had only known:
  • I would have held your hand more often
  • I would have called you more just to say "Hello" even if we would be seeing each other in just a few hours.
  • I would have laughed when you tried to tame my crazy kitty Katy into coming to you no matter how late it made us for dinner
  • I would have pressed to meet your family sooner
  • I would have let you help me with more things instead of trying to be independent
  • I would have snuggled more
  • I would have told you more about my thoughts and feelings. Oh, it wasn't that you didn't it ask but just that I am not a natural talker.
  • I would have made you more cookies and peanut butter pie.

If I had only known that you'd be leaving here so soon, I would not have been so shy. I would have loved you out loud.

If you were here right now:

  • I'd let you help with flowers for the yard
  • I'd actually cook for you
  • I'd tell you how hard it was to have you go so suddenly
  • I'd laugh with you about Mali's antics. She would have you wrapped around that tiny paw.
  • I'd let you comfort me on some of the strange turns my life has taken
  • I'd tell you about the book I hope to write
  • I'd drive you crazy holding your hand
  • I'd laugh more
  • I'd smile more
  • I'd be the one to try and sneak the kiss
  • I'd count every second as a treasure

And, yes, I would love you out loud . . . .

Bill died April 23, 2007 from an aortic aneurysm. We had met at church. Our first date almost turned into a group outing. I was standing with Emily when he approached me and asked about a concert in Peoria that night. Assuming he meant a group outing, I turned to Emily and asked her if that sounded like fun. He graciously said that more people would be fine. But Emily caught on more quickly than I did and she declined.

When he picked me up he noticed that I didn't put the garage door down. I explained that it was broken and I had no clue what to do with it. The next day he came by to fix it for me. I was making cookies, so he stayed for some . . . .

He fixed that sill garage door 3 times! Third time was the charm. It hasn't broken since.

But I suppose instead, it's my heart that got broken to have him leave so suddenly. It's been a year and I still remember. It's been a year that was really hard in places, but my heart is healing. I'm making it through.

Bill brought me laughter and a feeling of connection that before I had only ever dreamed could happen. Without Bill I might have given up that the connection even really existed. While it hurt to say a sudden "Goodbye," there is hope in knowing that mystical connection is fact not fiction and even I can dare to reach out for it.


Michelle said...

Amy, I have been thinking about you today. I am praying for you to have God's peace, comfort, and strength as you face this difficult one year anniversary. Thanks for the reminder to make the most of the time we have with the special people God places in our lives.

MrsProverbs31 said...

No doubt the pain is there. No doubt I can't feel it the same way you do. No doubt I've never walked in your shoes. But, note that God knows it all. And this painful memory and regret was meant for more strength, wisdom, and courage to grow within you so that you can share with those who are facing the same pain as you have.

God bless you and I'm praying for you.

MrsJoeB said...

Amy, I am so so sorry. My heart just breaks because I know how much I love my husband and how lost I would feel if He was gone. We have only been married just over 3 years. My heart and prayers go out to you. God is all we need and that is what we have to cling to when the ones we love hurt us, fails us, or leave us. You will be in my prayers as you journey through this.
In His Graces~Pamela

Heather@Mommymonk said...

These are tough days filled with remembering and pain. Praying for you....

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry I'm late. My thoughts and prayers are with you tonight. I don't know why, but I am compelled to say: Look forward. Don't forget. But look forward.