Resting -- Hope Chronicles 72

I recently took this picture of Katy. I love it. The amazing thing is that she didn't even stir when I took it. Yes, I was trying to be quiet so I could capture the moment, but I thought the whir of the camera and the flash would wake her. If it did, she didn't let me know about it.

In some ways this is a picture of trust to me. Katy was sprawled out on one of our favorite and softest blankets. Mali was nearby, but Katy still spread out. She often doesn't do this when Mali is near because Mali is a pouncer.

One thing to know about cats is that they often take awhile to warm up to you. Staring directly at a cat may seem aggressive. Sometimes, that is why cats choose to go to those who ignore them. The go on their own terms.

They also do not often show their bellies. No, it is not a self-conscious thing. Rather it is self-protection. It's harder to escape from a prone position and their bellies are vulnerable spots. So, either this blanket was too inviting to pass up or Katy was trusting enough of me and Mali to relax into the softness.

This is a picture of rest -- relaxing even in the midst of something hard. I think of Psalm 23. God makes the write lie down in green pastures but then go through the valley of the shadow of death. In the end, God provides a banquet in the presence of the writer's enemies. I always wondered about this. But someone explained it once that once someone entered that person's house, they were under their protection. Thus, they could relax and enjoy the feast. Or in Katy's case, stretch out on the softest blanket around because she knew she was safe.

Do I rest in God like that? Do I stretch out and show Him my tender places? I long to say "Yes" but I know there are times when I am too busy protecting myself rather than letting Him protect me that I do not fully relax into Him.

Where there is trust there is rest. Where there is trust there is hope because we know that a feast awaits even in the presence of enemies. There is hope because God has called us his.

Two Kinds of Ice Cream

This is part of a series of posts on the book Behind Those Eyes. It was written by Lisa Whittle and is being hosted over a Lelia's site. This week was on "Ms. Happiness."

I do not know the musician or all the words. But there is part of a song that has stuck in my head since about 5th or 6th grade. Here's what I know: "Happiness is two kinds of ice cream, finding your skate key, telling the time. Happiness is learning to whistle and tying your shoe for the very first time . . . ." Wow, just think, Steak-n-Shake must have heard that song too when they started their side-by-side milkshakes. I'll take my happiness as chocolate and strawberry please.

Wouldn't it be nice if happiness were that simple? Maybe as a child it is enough. Children get joy out of the simplest of things. But as an adult, telling the time usually means we are running late because we couldn't find the car keys and there aren't two items in the house to make an edible meal.

So, just like Lisa writes, we pretend. We put on our happy faces and pretend that we are okay. "How are you?"

"Fine, great. You?'

"Good. Your husband?"

We go on pretending to be happy, but every time we pretend, we sink a bit deeper into the muck. Pretending to be happy is like trying to tread quick sand. There's no on to pull you out because they're all convinced that you two kinds of ice cream have satisfied.

I love the distinction Lisa makes between happiness and joy. There is such a huge difference. She quotes CS Lewis: "We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition, when infinite joy is offered to us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in the slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by an offer of a holiday at the sea."

That is so me. My friend Sandy once described my relationship with God like that. God wanting to cleanse me but me only willing to stick my foot in lest I make the ocean dirty -- never imagining it was a well spring of living water. Hopefully, I've changed since then, but that image has stuck with me.

I am the child happy with the mud pies or two kinds of ice cream. Because of that, I miss out on joy in a deep and lasting way. I go on pretending to be happy even when I'm not.

God calls us to put off the pretending and find joy -- not happiness -- in Him. Lisa writes:

Because while happiness cannot readily be achieved and is often impersonated, the reality is joy that comes from our heavenly Father is easily achieved and readily offered.

The rub is admitting I'm not happy and that I need God to give me that joy. God, please pour out your joy on all of us.

My Heart's Desire

If you asked me what I want more than anything, I would say a family. I know, I should probably say a deeper walk with Jesus. And I do want that, but family has been on my mind lately.

Perhaps it has been on my mind even more lately. I recently had the annual female check up. They had me do a fasting blood draw. It was not good. I was also not in a good frame of mind that day. I see the nurse practitioner. She wanted to go over the results with me. I told her I didn't want to to know. She went over them anyway. Sigh.

But today I went back and they were much improved -- so much so that they won't check it again until I go back in a year.

But I am turning 40 in a few short months -- two months from Wed. So, they scheduled me for a a mammogram. I had one once before when I thought I felt something. It was a cyst. So, this was my second. I knew what to expect. Still, who likes to be squished?

So, when I was getting my blood drawn today, the entire 40 thing was very much on my mind. I told her I had a question but not about the labs. My question was, "At 40 how long do I have to have a child?" Yes, I teared up. She said there are no signs of menopause yet and maybe not even until I'm 50. But after the 35 the quality of the eggs decreases and pregnancy gets riskier.

I suppose it was a silly question. I'm not even dating anyone. I'm not sure I know anyone to date. But that ache is there. Today I just wanted to ask God, "Why give me all the parts and the desire to have children if they are not going to be used?"

No answer yet. But it is a big question.

But then sometimes I think God doesn't "zap" and fix things because there is something I am suppose to learn along the way.

And I am struck by how I opened this post. Why don't I have that same ache that I have for a family that I have for a deeper relationship with Jesus. Yes, the upcoming birthday has stirred things up, but shouldn't my desire always be first and foremost a desire for Him?

So, I'm praying that God would set the order right in my mind and heart. And I'm praying for a "Yes" to both.

Vengeance vs. Forgiveness -- Hope Chronicles 71

Awhile back I read Change of Heart by Jodi Picoult. She does not write to a Christian audience, but I have really liked some of her stuff. Change of Heart was not one of my favorites. Yet it still had those "ah -ha" moments that made me think.

The premise is that a pregnant woman's husband and child are murdered. The murder is on death row and wants his heart to go to the woman's second child. As you will have guessed needs a heart transplant. In the book, the mother, June, asks the following questions:

Would you give up your vengeance against someone you hate if it meant saving someone you love?

Would you want your dreams to come true if it meant granting your enemy's dying wish?

Humanity has a great need for vengeance. We want to see the wrongs righted. We want people who hurt us to pay ounce for ounce back every bit of hurt and suffering they have caused.

Humanity has a great need for vengeance, but Christianity has no need for it. Yes, being human, we still want to see people pay for what they have done to us. But Jesus calls us to something higher, something better. He calls us to give our hurts and even our hopes to Him and let Him do the sorting out. Yes, our enemy may in the end get his dying wish, but we would only rob ourselves and the ones we love if we lived by vengeance instead of forgiveness.

But forgiveness is hard. My father was very abusive while I was growing up. He has never asked forgiveness for what he did. I must admit that I still harbor some bitterness about everything he robbed me of and even the angst it has caused with other family members. But I do not actively seek revenge. I leave that all with Jesus. To that extent I have forgiven.

Yet, the question is one my pastor has asked in his own life. He had an abusive step father who late in life responded to an altar call. His first response was, "No, you cannot forgive him, God!" But like me, he has had to learn to leave the balance of it all up to God.

There is the rub, isn't it? With the cross their is no balance. It's all lopsided because Jesus paid the price for all of it. Because of that lopsided balance, I have hope. Without it, I would never be able to come to God. Coming to Jesus, isn't that worth giving up our sense of vengeance?

Running Your Heart Out -- Hope Chronicles 70

Last week I had the opportunity to watch a friend's boys -- Kolya and Austin. Kolya had a cross country meet. Since it was an invitational, everyone had to wait to the end to get awards.

This is a picture of Kolya running. He came in 19th out of 60 runners in his group. I think that is pretty amazing.

While Kolya ran a great race, another runner has gotten me thinking. It seemed that everyone had finished and the crowd was starting to mingle at where the awards were going to be given. I asked someone why they hadn't started. Even though it was a good 15 minutes later, it turned out that there was a boy who was still running. A boy who had run all season nowhere near the pack. A boy for whom only two or three people had stayed at the ending place to cheer on. A boy who ran his heart out.

Hebrews 12:1-3 says the following about the race we are running spiritually.

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

Carolyn Arends is a contemporary Christian singer. She sings about running the race and that great crowd of witnesses: "Sometimes I press on, sometimes I look back, sometimes I just lay in the road on my back. I've got to get up and I don't know how, I hear in the distance the roar of the crowd."

We all feel like giving up sometimes. What is amazing about this youth is that he didn't quit. He didn't quit as the pack pulled farther and farther ahead. He didn't quit when only a handful met him at the finish. He kept going and going --pushing himself. I don't know his faith, but oh, to be able to fix my eyes on Jesus, the end of the race, that I would run on and on and on even when no other runners are in sight.

That boy ran his heart out. May we have hope enough in the cross to run our hearts out until the end of the race.

Finding My Way

Henry Ward Beecher said, "The strength and happiness of a man consists in finding the way in which God is going and going that way too." Oh, such wise counsel. Who could not be strong and happy following in the footsteps of Jesus.

Yet, I struggle to know which way God is taking me. I think I know and then things keep falling through on me a bit. Right now it is something at church that I was looking forward to doing and now won't be able to do.

I find my heart tugged more and more about the impoverished, but I'm not sure what I am suppose to do. I do think God may be directing those thoughts.

I recently read Gary Haugen's book Just Courage. In the last chapter he says that God asks us if we want to be safe or brave? We cannot have both, though there is a sense of safety in following God. God, I want to be brave, but I don't know how. Will you show me?

My Mailbox Is HAPPY

My mailbox is so HAPPY! I've been praying and waiting for it to come. Today, I found this in my mailbox! It is the first letter from my newest Compassion child, Ambar. (Some of you may recall that Delia left the program. Compassion immediately matched me up with Ambar.) It was this summer and I wrote to her right away and have sent a few letters, but I hadn't heard back yet.

Ambar is 8 and lives in the capital city of Ecuador. She wrote me about going to church and school and playing dolls with her cousin. She says she lives in a small house with her parents and siblings and that she has fun with her dog on the weekends.

I had received the packet on her, but it is nice to have something actually from her! She wrote the end of August, so it took about 6 weeks to get here.

How sweet to read her promise that she will be praying for me always.

If I get excited over a letter, imagine what a letter from you might do? Imagine how happy that would make an impoverished child. So, if you sponsor a child, your homework tonight is to write a note to them. If you don't sponsor a child, please pray about sponsoring one. On my sidebar you can link to children that are waiting for sponsors. Maybe the picture showing now is the child for you!