40 to 40 (Gratitude 6)

I am thankful for children --those I know and those I don't. Children have a way of wiggling their way into my heart. It can be a child at the bookstore crying over something or having a slumber party with a couple of kids I know.

Last year for my birthday I actually took 8 kids ice skating! It was in the midst of a snow storm, so the ice arena was almost empty. The kids ranged in age from 5 to 14 and they are all just all around good kids. It did my heart good to see the older ones helping the younger ones.

My friend Allison also stayed to skate and treated me with a birthday cake. This is a picture of me, Elena, and Addie while they were clearing the ice.

I just genuinely like making children happy. I love to see them smile. And when one of my little friends yells, "Amy!" from across the room, they make my day.

The older ones are fun as well. We just do different things like bowling or games or something of that nature. I like it that the older ones seem to feel safe talking to me about any manner of things. I love the idea that I am a safe person.

So, children of all ages are what I am grateful for today.

40 to 40 (Gratitude 5)

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I am thankful that God gave me a love of reading from a very early age and that my parents encouraged reading. I remember going to the local library every Saturday and checking out 2-3 books. These would all be read by the next Saturday, so they were ready to be taken back.

My one sister and I actually were interested in the same things. Often, you would find a book with two bookmarks in it because we would try to read it at the same time!

Even now, I have 4 books that I am reading: Behind Those Eyes (Christian inspiration), Thank You For All Things (secular fiction), The Shack (Christian fiction), and The Life You've Always Wanted (Christian inspiration).

For the most part, my family were C & E (Christmas and Easter) church goers. However, there were other occasional days sprinkled in there as well. One Sunday we "just happened" to go to church the day they were giving the third graders Bibles. I remember holding it and looking at it as being the first time I had looked at a Bible.

It was a holy "coincidence" that brought us there that Sunday. And a built in love of reading that made us, without parental encouragement, want to read it. God wired me so that when given the chance, I would fall in love with His word. This is me in the third grade.

Never Hopeless -- Hope Chronicles 77

Have you ever felt hopeless about a situation or someone else or even yourself? I know that in the face of depression I can feel hopeless. The fall, the coming of the holiday season always tugs me towards depression. I think it is that there are so many hard memories gathered up there. They are what the psychological community would call triggers.

I'm mindful of them at the moment. I am trying to choose hope. I suppose that is what the 40 to 40/Practice Gratitude posts are about.

But while I am mindful, I know there is a sense of desperation, of wanting God to zap whatever issue I am facing -- financial, relationships, health, and depression. I want it all gone. But the question rises up if I believe that God wants to heal those things in my life. I am discovering the heart of mistrust.

I came across this quote from Charles L Allen:

"When you say a situation or a person is hopeless, you are slamming the door in the face of God."

Ouch. I love metaphors, word pictures. The idea of slamming the door in the face of God is visually and almost audibly horrifying to me. It is most horrifying because I know that I do it.

Julie, my counselor, has called me on it at times. No, she hasn't used those words or that quote. However, at times she cautions me on some of the things I say like, "Why keep trying?" or "Things will never get better." Sometimes she cautions that God may take me at my word.

I don't want to slam the door in the face of God any longer. Rather I want to be the woman recorded in Mark 5:21-33 who reached for Jesus' hem, faithfully believing that if she reached out to touch him her twelve years of suffering would end. Jesus felt the power leave him. He stopped and asked in the great press of a crowd who had touched him? She comes trembling, probably sure of a rebuke. But Jesus tells her, "Daughter, you faith has healed you. God in peace and be freed from your suffering."

After 12 years of suffering, I would think that she would have to have felt hopeless. No doctor had been able to relieve her suffering. She must have prayed. She must have asked why.

What is so appealing about her is that even in the midst of the suffering she does not give up. She pushes through the crowd and has the courage to hope enough to reach out and touch Jesus.

I know several people I care about are suffering in one way or another right now. My prayer today is that each of us would not slam and not allow the door to be slammed by others in the face of God. May we keep reaching because God is ever present, ever reaching down to take us by the hand and either heal us or walk through that place of suffering with us. He never leaves us. There is always hope.

40 to 40 (Gratitude 4)

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I am thankful for my church. When I write that, I don't necessarily mean the building. I definitely mean the people. A building is just a place to meet. The real heart of the church is the people.

I started going to Crosswinds about five years ago. I had been having a difficult time and was angry with God. I determined that if I didn't seem to matter to God then I shouldn't bother getting up for church on a Sunday morning. This lasted about 9 months. Finally, in desperation I called my doctor's office. It is a Christian practice. I asked the nurse if there was a church they could recommend. They listed 3 but only 1 had a pastor's name attached. I called there.

I'm so thankful that God brought me there. I was as jumpy as a frog and prickly as a porcupine, but God used the people to really minister to me and bring some measure of healing.

40 to 40 (Gratitude 3)

I've always thought of myself as more of a dog person. I like the way they greet you at the door and follow you around. A few years ago I had a dog for awhile. She was an older dog that I found at the Humane Society. What no one realized was that she was also an anxious dog. The more attached she became to me, the more anxious she became when I would leave. After 6 months of trying everything imaginable, I talked to the local shelter. The reassured me that even with knowing about the anxiety problem, they could find her a home.

Tearfully, I took her back and made one of the volunteers promise to bring her a treat of peanut butter on toast. (That was my breakfast most mornings and I always gave her the last bit.)

A woman at the shelter suggested I try a cat. I was skeptical, but eventually I ended up with two very dog like cats. Katy and Mali both greet me at the door. They follow me from room to room and are a general nuisance when I am on the computer. They just can't get enough lap time.

But as you can see below, they are both cats and like most cats, they love their naps.

Katy

Mali

I am grateful for having them in my lives. They help give me balance and something soft to cuddle when I'm feeling blue. If only I could take them for walks! It might help motivate me to exercise more.

Do you have a pet that helps round out your life?

Life Lessons

Today I was talking to my boss. He said something about trying to figure me out, that he was watching the way I responded to some things that had happened the last few days. I'm not always successful at these, but I told him that I am working on trying to live by two things:

1. Keep short accounts. The longer hurts go without a response or an attempt to reconcile, the bigger, badder, messier they become.
2. We judge ourselves by our intentions. We judge others by their actions. My hope here is that I am learning to give grace and not assume ill motive where any wasn't intended.

What about you? Do you have one or two life lessons you try to live by?

40 to 40 (Gratitude 2)

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I am grateful that while I don't have a family per say, I have had families in my life. The one that comes to mind today is the Fredericks. I spent several years on staff with InterVarsity Christian Fellowship. During my time in Bloomington, IN, I had the opportunity to live with the Fredericks.

Jerry had said something about me moving in jokingly. But I was having a hard time making ends meet and was in a rough roommate situation. I got up the nerve to ask Jerry and Dana if they would consider it. We all agreed to try it out for 6 months.

I had a room down the basement and paid very minimally on a few things. In return, I helped out with the kids. When I first moved in, Jerry and Dana had Hannah and Elizabeth.

Hannah in 1996

Elizabeth in 1996

Both girls were adopted as infants. Later, they also adopted Jonathon. He was a little wild man, but I loved his spirit.

Jonathan in 1996

I loved the arrangement because it made me feel like part of a family. I was in some ways, the big sister. I did art projects with Hannah and snuggled with Elizabeth and read and read and read. With Jonathan everything was one big game.

I moved in 1996. Jerry and Dana later found out that Dana was pregnant. She gave birth to a little girl named Sarah. She was a miracle for them. I just wish I had the opportunity to know her like I did the other three!

Our six month trial turned into 3 very blessed years in my life.